2 years since dh killed his self :(

(23 Posts)
Blondeshavemorefun Tue 16-Apr-13 03:51:11

Today is 2 years since my darling husband Mark sadly decided he had had enough of life, and committed suicide to escape his dark days of severe depression he suffered - I came home and found him - he had hung his self sad

How can it be 2 years since you were here with us? Your friends,family and myself miss you so much and always will.

The first year was hell, looking back I'm not sure how I coped with the pain,hurt, sadness, bleakness, confusion and even guilt of what Mark did.

Loneliness was a huge factor as those who have lost a husband/wife/partner - someone who was in your life 24/7 will only understand

I didn't sleep for months on end, i lost weight - But i did cope with thanks to the amazing love and support of my friends and family and later on the new man in my life Mr D

When people ask me how I coped its because I had to - I managed to be strong, though i don't know how, as I miss you so much &wish you are here, but you are not&never will be sad

Everyone said I was so brave and amazing and they wouldn't be able to cope if the same thing happened to them - as I always say there is no choice, and you HAVE to deal with what happened. In the early days I used to say cry, die or survive and I have chosen to survive and carry on with my life

The 2nd year is slightly easier if that's the right word as you've done all the 1st's and don't think this time last year we did ..... or maybe you just learn to cope better as there is no choice - but some 2nd's are tough, my wedding anniversary as that was so personal to me and was a very hard day last month. It brought back that I will NEVER see dh again and spent the day in tears

Its true you don't get 'over' it, you never stop missing them,you don't stop hurting.I still have heartbreaking days where I cry - yesterday i cried&already have today and i know i will on other days - silly things set me off&reduce me to tears, but bad days are fewer than before tho still come out of nowhere at times

I keep saying sadly tomorrow doesn't always come sad so tell your loved ones you love them and don't put off today for tomorrow.

I HAVE to think and believe that Dh is happy again&he found his light - seeing someone you love so much suffer with depression&have some days so dark and black is so hard - ive seen psychics that tell me stuff that they just can't know and this is what kept me going in the early days - that they said he was happy&not under his dark cloud of blackness&how&where he died - I've not said a word about depression and his cause of death to them

Eventually if you are lucky you get to get to a place where you feel that you can live again, you learn to smile, and though I do feel guilty that I laugh and enjoy life - that I'm smiling again, though Mark will ALWAYS have a place in my heart and mind - but he made that decision to sadly end his life.

But my life goes on and this is what I think all of us who have lost a husband/wife/partner/friend or family - that this is what they want - they cant be here with us for whatever reasons sad but are above watching us and want us to carry on with life whichever way we can - it just takes time to understand and realise this

Off to the crem later with a friend and will raise a glass to Mark tonight with some of his friends who all miss him and wish he was still with us.

Miss and love you my darling and I hope you are at peace wherever you are xxxxxxxxx

TanteRose Tue 16-Apr-13 04:01:32

Oh Blondes, I'm so sorry sad

you must miss Mark so much

thinking of you and your family & friends today flowers

TallGiraffe Tue 16-Apr-13 05:04:34

Blondes flowers

I cannot imagine how horrible today must be for you. I hope in amongst the sadness you can remember some of the happiest moments.

Take care of yourself and let yourself feel whatever emotions you need to feel.

Blush12 Tue 16-Apr-13 05:49:45

Blondes

So sorry, will be thinking of you and your family today. X

Portofino Tue 16-Apr-13 06:31:46

Thinking of you today honey. Love and (((hugs))) xxxxx

tribpot Tue 16-Apr-13 06:38:02

Very sorry, Blondes.

beachyhead Tue 16-Apr-13 06:50:48

Blondes, thinking of you today....

sydlexic Tue 16-Apr-13 06:58:01

I agree with everything you say about having to cope, no one gives you a choice.

I think suicide is particularly hard to bear. I came very close myself once due to depression. It is so hard for my well self to contemplate even though I have been there.

Hopefully your pain will be easier to bear as time goes on.

I am so sorry for your loss.

BellaVita Tue 16-Apr-13 07:00:38

thanks for you and Mark Blondes xxx

NotTreadingGrapes Tue 16-Apr-13 07:05:00

Thinking of you today Blondes. Be easy with yourself x

Doyouthinktheysaurus Tue 16-Apr-13 07:12:39

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts today Blondesthanks

Depression is such a cruel, cruel illness......

RatherBeOnThePiste Tue 16-Apr-13 08:49:22

Much love darling, thinking of you and your wonderful Mark Xx

Blondeshavemorefun Tue 16-Apr-13 09:43:02

Part of me can't believe it's 2yrs - seems like yesterday that I posted on here saying that mark had committed suicide and the emotions that I went through

And the crap I had with banks - companies - anything to do with mark

Other part thinks omg 2years - how can that be?

For anyone reading this who has lost a partner - time does lessen the sadness and you do deal with the sorrow and emotions

Though when I was told that I thought what total bollocks - but it's true

Plus if any of you have partners - children - joint assets please get a will done. It saves so much hassle

Mark and I were married and no kids so the easiest to sort out in the laws eyes and was so hard - a will would have saved a lot of stress and fighting

We didn't think we would need one at 37 x

Thinking of you thanks

lydiajones Tue 16-Apr-13 09:50:12

Thinking of you today.xxx

Doyouthinktheysaurus Tue 16-Apr-13 13:22:48

I do remember your posts at the time and the struggles you had from a practical and financial viewpoint.

Your posts were and still are always dignified and full of your love for your husband.

I hope you have the support you need today.

Thinking of you today flowers

Portofino Tue 16-Apr-13 18:23:22

Hope you have a peaceful evening Blondes <<sends wine and Belgian chocolate>> xxxx

bassetfeet Tue 16-Apr-13 22:13:43

thinking of you and Mark flowers x

Blondeshavemorefun Wed 17-Apr-13 11:05:15

thanks, went to crem with one of my best friends, planted a flower for him, fed the ducks by the pond where some of his ashes are and had a little cry

met up with some of our friends in the evening and had memories and laughter but also some tears

Thinking of you blondes and your lovely Mark.

You were such a support to me last year when James died. I can't explain how much comfort I took from your words at the time.

You are an incredible woman xx

Poledra Wed 17-Apr-13 11:29:53

I saw you on a thread just the other day Blondes and wondered how you were doing. Be kind to yourself. flowers

Blondeshavemorefun Wed 17-Apr-13 14:57:26

mum (michelle) i rem you as well, your son james died last July,same way as mark sad

Im glad my words helped, i dont know how you are 9mths on - rem baby steps and be kind to yourself

i hope you have friends in the rw who are there for you - i know you didnt want to do counselling, i hope you did - sometimes its good to talk to someone out of the picture xx

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