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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Does the pain ever go away from an M/c?

35 replies

sharklet · 14/05/2006 15:07

I'm sat here in tears and it completely stupid. I had an M/c back in feb, very early on only 7 weeks. We're trying for no. 2 and every month its just the saem feeeling as when I had the m/c over and over again. Will this ever go away?

I'm sat here crying becasue I can't find my persona monitor manual so I can try using that to coniee with, becasue my periods just come and becasue my two best freinds are about to pop and I know its going to hurt so much to see thier babies once they come along. Its the hormones making me be all slef indulgent. I don't expect anyone to reply. I just needed to pur this out somewhere as its driving me mad. I just feel like I'm reliving that moment I knew that I was miscarrying over and over again.

OP posts:

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sharklet · 14/05/2006 15:23

my god I can't spell today. I meant concieve with it - got knows that coniee is !!

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Ledodgyherring · 14/05/2006 15:28

((((Sharklet)))))), I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I had a mc in March 2004 at 8 weeks so do know what you're going through. Time does ease the pain, you'll never forget but it will get better. The thing I found about mc so early on that people around you forget quickly or don't like to mention it. I've had another baby since I mc but I will never forget the baby I mc and on the anniversary every year and the due date it's still hard. Good luck with ttc having another baby does help enormously but the baby you lost was still your child and always will be. Thinking of you

Arabica · 14/05/2006 15:43

I had a m/c in Feb 2005. At the time it was easily the worst thing that had ever happened to me, but time has helped. It took several months before I felt ready to try for another baby, but even now that I am pregnant (and it has been a very difficult pregnancy)I will always have a fond place in my heart for the baby I lost. I kept a little folder with my memories of the miscarried babyit doesn't have much, just a couple of letters from the hospital and the scan picture they gave me, but it helps to know that i have honoured his or her memory in the best way I can. It helped me to concentrate on the good memories, like how happy I felt when I discovered I was pregnant. Crying lots also helpedI don't cry easily but when I did, it was a relief. I hope you are feeling better soon, big hugs.

booge · 14/05/2006 15:50

Sharklet, I'm so sorry your are feeling like this, I had a mc in June 2004 and it really knocked me for 6, I was very low, my skin went to pot and I'd cry over anything but then I concieved again in August 04 and had to concentrate my energies on the new pregnancy. I still wonder about the baby we lost, I think it is perfectly normal and ok to grieve for a baby you've lost but it will get easier in time.

supakids · 14/05/2006 15:59

You poor thing, maybe speak to your gp about counselling. I lost triplets last september so know the suffering. In fact i avoided mn up until just two weeks ago cos I didnt want to talk about, read about everyone else and their babies. (8 months no mn)

Northerner · 14/05/2006 16:08

Hi Sharklet. I miscarried about 3 weeks ago so I know what a sad, lonely experience it is. For me, the hard part was the lost hopes, the hopes and dreams I had had for our family.

Also, you are still ttc which is stressful in itself. Why not take a step back, and if it happens it happens?

You ovbiously have a child already? I found my ds the best medcine possible.

bramblina · 14/05/2006 16:15

It's so hard to hear but time really does heal. I had 4 over a 3 year period, each one was easier and harder to deal with for different reasons. I found that just getting past my due date really helped, like I could breathe again. My close friend was due 1 month before I was, with my first, and tbh for me her pg was the worst, once she had the beby I felt a lot better. The day she had her lo was very hard, but then I managed to detach myself, as I wouldn't have wanted her baby anyway, just to be pg so I felt no "jealousy" as it were. ave you tried to think how you will feel once these babies are born? That may be easier for you. Just give your body time, you will get there. I had a ds last year, after a wonderful but very anxious pg, and he's just the icing on the cake. Actually, I would go through it all agqin just to have him. I think I appreciate him a lot more than my friend who had no trouble conceiving. You will get there, and this will be a memory one day. Take care. x

spidermama · 14/05/2006 16:24

So sorry Sharklet. I know it hurts really badly and I completely understand what you're saying about when friends have babies. I couldn't bear the sight of pregnant women. My bf got pg with her first just a month after I lost my first and when she told me I went into emotional freefall. Horrible.

The pain does subside gradually. Here are my experiences in case they help ...

My mcs were 8 and 3 years ago. It's not as if the pain has disappeared completely, but I only actually cry about once every three months, if that. And I'm a cry baby! So yes it fades with time.

I did some goodbye ceremonies in which I set aside time to say 'goodbye' and to think about my lost ones. With the first I had no physical thing to bury as I spent most of it in hospital. I was really struggling. Then my MIL came to visit and she's really great at times like this. She took a load of pumpkin seeds from the pumpkin I was cutting and we took them in a bag to the River Thames. There (and now I'm crying thinking about it) we each threw some in and said stuff about the baby who never came to us. We said 'Goodbye' and told her we loved her. There was me, MIL, DH and my nephew (who was magnificent). It really did help and served almost as a funeral.

I also found it helpful to write down the story of MC1 partly because it involved some horrible hospital details which made the whole thing so much worse. I don't know how the mechanics of yours went, but it can play a part in how the greiving process goes.

With the second I was 'luckier' if that's possible. I'd already had three children and I mc-ed at home. I actually found the pg sac intact so I took myself off to the bottom of the garden when I was ready, buried it and wept for an hour or so. It really helped having the actual sac.

These physical seperation processes (even the manufactured one) were very helpful for me.

Even more helpful, of course, is getting pregnant again and that will happen for you. I remember the feeling of each period being like the MC all over again. It will come though sharklet.

I'm so sorry. Isn't it incredible that such a high percentage of women go through this and it is so painful.

All the best. xx

sharklet · 14/05/2006 21:02

Thankyou for sharing your stories. I'm so sorry you have all been through it too.

DD is definately the best medecine - you right about that Northerner. She knows when I'm sad and comes and gives me her huge toddler cuddles, which never fails to help. I really want to be able to give her a brother or sister.

I know it will happen sometime. Its just it seems like sometime never comes. I always thought I couldn't concieve - I had tried for 7 years with my ex and nothing. DD was a total and utter shock when she appeared - albeit a very welcome and wonderful one. I suppose I'm scared that maybe she was a fluke.

Thankyou so much for sharing your story Spidermama. I creid too when I read about the pumpkin seeds. That is such a wonderful idea and such a special thing to have done. I think maybe I need to find something to mark it in some way, to close the door in some way on it, but like you I have nothing from that. I'm going to talk to DH about it. I don't think he really realises how much its affected me. His mother lost his sister to hydracephalus when she was just a baby and its marked him badly, the whole episode reminds him of that and I suppose that why I'd avoided the subject with him.

I just put my little chicken pox riddled DD to bed and realised I am so blessed with just her in my life. I f I can't have another then so be it. But I wish and pray that it does.

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Northerner · 14/05/2006 21:09

Oh god I'm crying now after reading this. I really thought I was over my M/c but am in tears now. Also I feel like my period is coming (the 1st after mc) and like Spidermama says, a horrible reminder I'm not PG anymore.

YOu feel that you just can't keep going on about it to people, and that you should move on, but I'm feeling pretty sad right now.

Sharklet, sorry for hijacking your thread.

alex8 · 14/05/2006 21:46

I wonder if it depends on whether you have a subsequent successful pregnancy? I had one in Jan and am now trying to focus on ttc again. If this doesnt work I know I will dwell much more on what might have been. Especially around the due date.

alex8 · 14/05/2006 21:48

Am not saying it would erase the pain at all. Just help to ease it.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 14/05/2006 21:48

Oh Sharklet

Im sure you will get there real soon. I dont know what to say, i havent been through this myself.

xxx

bramblina · 14/05/2006 21:51

I know I'll never get over mine. But I do learn to live with them, and I can talk about them like it was an episode of my life that got me to my ds. My sister mc'd her 1st pg and now has a tree in memoriam. I considered this but thought I would constantly be thinking of it so decided agianst it. I'm glad I did now as I'd have a few and that just wouldn't have helped me. I still have the scan pictures though, and they always make me cry.
I dno't know what I'm trying to say. Don't dismiss that you shouldn't be sad just because you were "only" 7 weeks, it hurts at any stage. It's all the planning and emotions, a lot of which you are not in control of. Will it help you to get past your due date? Think of something that will help and focus on that. Book a really expensive holiday or at least get yourself in to a situation where you actually can't afford to fall pregnant that month, it worked for me and my friend.
Take time, it's really really hard but it does get easier. I'm so sorry if this hasn't helped I just want to sympathise with you, I'm so sad for you.

marthamoo · 14/05/2006 21:58

It doesn't go away, no - not completely. But you learn to accept it as part of your life, and it becomes less raw - though then something will happen - maybe you'll read a thread like this - and it will make you cry. You only miscarried in February, sharklet - that's no time at all, you still have a lot of grieving to do. I miscarried my second pregnancy after two years of ttc - and I think I only began to heal when I became pregnant again, six (long) months after the miscarriage. You can't put your life on hold while you hope to conceive again - but I know how hard it is, with every period a reminder of what you lost And the world will seem full of pregnant women and babies - it did to me. Your dd will help you so much - I remember thinking the same thing, that at least I had ds - some people never get that lucky even once. I really hope you conceive again soon - be kind to yourself and accept that the grief is a process you have to work through little by little.

And Northerner - I put my foot in it a while ago on another thread - I didn't know you had miscarried - I'm so very sorry.

sharklet · 15/05/2006 08:00

Northerner. I'm so sorry your feeling this too. I hope it hasn't dragged it up too much for you. I'm just going to try to hold onto DD and let her help me through it all. I hope you can do the same. xx

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Northerner · 16/05/2006 11:29

Marthamoo - yes I saw the thread, you thought I was the mystery pregnent poster, but don't worry! I was not at all upset/offended by it.

Bless you, I think you said sorry twice on the other thread

mrsmaddyd · 16/05/2006 11:37

Sharlet im so sorry your feeling so bad. Im my experince im afraid the pain doesnt go away, especially when your ttcing. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks last April and another in the October. i am now pregnant agin and i still grieve over my first mc. I should be over the moon as i am healthily pregnant but im sorry to say that a new pregnancy doesnt take away the pain.

Maybe you need to talk to your health visitor and see if your local center has a miscarriage group so you can talk to others in the same situation. Not that i ever did that, mn got me through the worst periods.

I do hope it gets better for you soon and i totally sypmathise will all your going through at the moment especially with trying again. Each month lasts a year doesnt it. take Care of your self and talk too people. (((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

milward · 16/05/2006 11:51

Sorry to hear what's happened xxx

I had a m/c in '99 & then everyone I knew was preg or just had a baby. I tried every month to conceive. The worst was not being preg when the baby would have been born. Take it easy around this time xxx Once I was preg (& thought I'd never be preg again) I worried, felt guilty for looking preg - thinking how other people who'd had a m/c or probs with fertility would feel seeing me - I felt so relieved when dd2 was born.

thoughts to you xxx

retailtherapist · 16/05/2006 20:34

I have had three miscarriages now (the last one just over two weeks ago). I also had one in Jan this year and was obsessed with becoming pg again. Fortunately for me I did and convinced myself that the previous pg just wasn't meant to be for whatever reason and although I was still grieving that loss was positive about the new pg.
Now I have lost this baby too I can't come to terms with the fact that I should now be both 27 and 12 weeks pg.
But despite all this I'm sure things will get better as I also had an m/c before having my 2yr old ds and once I was pg with him felt that it was all meant to be. Does that make sense?
I will never ever get over losing my babies but time does heal.. at least it did the 1st time round.
I planted some daffodil bulbs for baby number one and three... have yet to plant something for baby number four. They will come up every year at about the time I lost them.
I hope you can find your persona moniter instructions.. am waiting for 1st period so I can use mine!
Good luck
xxx

PanicPants · 16/05/2006 20:43

Sharklet, the pain does get easier but you'll never forget it either.

I've had 2 m/c and an ectopic and I do the ' that baby would have been 5 today' etc

I know it's a cliche but time does make it easier, but it will always be with you, but you have to move on and look at all the good things in your life too.

gothicmama · 16/05/2006 20:50

time makes it easier as does saying goodbye - from my experience each month is a reminder initially of whatyou have lost. I've had 6m/c and one ectopic prg before having dd. I ahve just had ds adn on my notes my ectopic is noted as an abortion which brought it back and i wanted to write no this baby was wanted I remeber his birthday and have special box with a name init which is sealed shut and this helps I guess you need to find your way of remembering and this will help you.

tamum · 16/05/2006 20:59

I would have said yes it does, but Arabica's post has just left me with my eyes full of tears, so I guess it doesn't. I actually agree with alex8- it seems awful to say having a child subsequently makes you feel better, it's not as though they are interchangeable, but I got pregnant with dd before the due date of the baby I miscarried, and you know it did help. She's here, and she couldn't possibly be if the other pregnancy had continued, and the thoguht of her not being here is too awful to comtemplate, so you know... I am rambling. Sharklet, I am so sorry. Time does ease the pain, really.

gothicmama · 16/05/2006 21:01

it may help if u look at the unborn spirit children thread in philosophy section of MN

PanicPants · 16/05/2006 21:05

Oh gothicmumma, 6 m/c? How on earth do you cope? Did anyone ever look into it?

tamum - I know exactly what you mean, I conceived ds nearly straightaway after my last m/c, and i know that he wouldn't be here, if I hadn't have m/c.

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