My mum died and I now have mixed feelings about starting a family

(10 Posts)
can6342 Sun 14-Apr-13 21:57:35

Hi Freesia2013
I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum. I had a similar experience to you, I lost my Mum suddenly/unexpectedly when she was 57. Me and DH were TTC at the time and I got pregnant with my first a few months after she died.
My DS is now 5 months old and I won't lie, it has been very difficult at times.
Since he was born I've gone through a whole lot of feelings I didn't imagine. I felt like I grieved for my Mum all over again. I feel sad for my son that he won't ever meet his wonderful granny, and sad that my Mum missed out (I discussed TTC with her and she was so excited).
Also, it wasn't till I was a mum myself that I realised just how much my mother had done for me, and I cannot tell her how grateful I am.
But... Having said this, I truly believe my Mum gave me enough love to last a lifetime, and she wanted me to look to the future and be happy. Having my son is a wonderful gift, he brings me so much joy and I feel like Mum is watching over us smile.
It was the right decision for us to carry on TTC, but I would agree with the above posters that it's worth taking some time to grieve before you make any decisions.

An unexpected death that close, only 2 months ago, is going to be feeling very raw. Its not surprising if the idea of carrying on with plans you made earlier feels unthinkable for now - the very idea that the world is going to keep turning without her is enough to face.

But it does get better. You find ways to make a "new normal". Life will never be quite the same, but you will gradually settle to a new version of normality, where thinking about a future without her won't be terrible, won't hurt like someone just twisted a knife in your gut, and won't make you feel guilty about the idea of "getting over" your grief.

Honestly, it does ease. Don't tie yourself in knots now worrying about what you will or won't want to do in a year or two's time. Get through this week, this month. Be kind to yourself.

My mum always said that you shouldn't make any important and lasting decisions for a year after an important loss - things that go through people's minds like selling the house, moving abroad, etc. And I'd think starting a family, or deciding that you never will, would definitely be in that category too.

It does get better, and you reach a point where you can think of the person you lost, think of the good things about the time you had together, without that sharp pain. You might always have regrets about the time you didn't have, but your perspective will shift and the pain and regret won't be the main focus of your thoughts any more.

MERLYPUSS Wed 10-Apr-13 09:55:32

I felt nothing about starting a family in respect to my mums death. I knew I just wanted to carry on her DNA if you like. Ok, my kids do not have a nan (in laws are abroad) but they have fab aunts, uncles etc.
I was proud to carry the line foreward and know she would've been dead chuffed to have had twins as GC's as her sister was a twin.
New children in the family are a healer. I found out I was expecting the same month my nephew was killed. It was a focus if you like that the good things in life go on.
Sorry for your loss. It does get easier over time. Or different maybe.

tazzle Wed 10-Apr-13 03:16:17

I do understand what you are saying though. ... watching the raw grief of my DD's and hugging them,feeling them shaking as they mourn their DGM... while experiencing my own emotions is just at times devastating.

But had I not had DC...we would both have missed out on thirty years and more of many much happier experiences with them. and DGC.

Maybe listen to a song called the rose....kinda says it all really. Would do a link but dont know how on phone....

tazzle Wed 10-Apr-13 02:57:23

I am the same age as your mum and saying final goodbye to my own mum on friday.
It's hard to say goodbye to anyone you love no matter their age whether expected or not ....but although it sounds corny death is a part of the cycle of life. The majority of us will outlive our parents so will share this experience.

However any children you have will have a huuuuge range of experiences and feelings. ..loss will be only one small part....what about all the good stuff?

PinkPepper Wed 10-Apr-13 02:13:47

I'm sorry I can't be more help but I understand completely, my mother passed away four months after my son was born, in a completle shock freak accident - so yes, she met him, she held him, but also she had so many plans for him, so many promises to him that she never got the chance to enjoy.
I want more children, and I want to get married, but I can't begin to imagine doing it and not telling my mum. She passed almost seven months ago.

I'm sure you'll come to find peace with having children, and you will see your mum in them, and in youself in the way you become a mother.

I think the loss of a parent makes you think twice about everything. I know for me my mum was something so solid, so for that to go everything else kind of falls too

Freesia2013 Tue 09-Apr-13 23:42:59

Sorry for your losses too.

Thanks for your kind words, I know my husband would make a great dad and he has been so supportive.

My mum would have been an amazing granny, such a shame I can't share with her.

I will get there it will just take time.

mumofthemonsters808 Tue 09-Apr-13 23:04:09

I know the pain you are experiencing because I lost my lovely Mum 12 months ago and it is so hard to get by without them.Like you say about your Mum,the thing I miss the most is our chats, sometimes I visualise her with me and talk to her but othertimes I feel too sad to even pretend and just cry when I think about her.

Having lost my Dad 7 years ago I recognise that feeling this way does not last forever,when I think of him I smile and although I still miss him I have accepted that he has gone.You too overtime will reach this acceptance but the whole process is very slow and painful, but you will heal.

When my Mum unexpectedly died the shock alone took months to get over. I wanted to take to my bed and not bother getting up again but as I had two young children and no support whatsoever I had to plod on as normal.Life does go on, especially when you have your own family washing baskets need to be emptied,meals cooked etc.This routine became my salvation I did not have the time to dwell in my self pity I had two children who needed me and after countless episodes of bursting into tears in the most inappropriate places I made the decision that the death of my mother was not going to define me.

Be gentle to yourself lots of TLC,good food,good company and take each day as it comes, you will feel different as time goes by.Please do not put off starting a family, when children loose parents they grieve but they survive.Take care, you are not alone there are lots of people on here coping with the loss of a parent.

mummylin Tue 09-Apr-13 22:42:43

All I can say is that your mum will live on through you and any future children. I too am still mourning my mum so I understand some of what you are feeling. So sorry for your loss

Freesia2013 Tue 09-Apr-13 22:30:50

Hello

I am new to this. My mum passed away unexpectedly 2 months ago at only 58yrs, it was a huge shock to my family and We are doing ok. For me, it's still very weird as she was a really close friend as well as my mum so it's been hard as there are so many things I would love to chat to her about and share things.

My husband and I have been thinking of starting a family for a while but waiting until everything such as finances sorted. I now feel this terrible burden that I can't put our future children (should we have them) through the pain I'm (and my siblings) are going through right now should something happen to me if I was a mum.

I realise that we don't generally think about things like this when planning to conceive but my circumstances are making me think twice.

Has anyone else experienced this? Any experiences are welcome.

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