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Bereavement

My fallen soldier

10 replies

simbaandblue · 23/02/2013 18:35

On the 30th December 2009 I lost the man I loved. He was an America soldier who was based in the uk, working with British soldiers. He was my hero and we were crazily in love. He was killed in action and this destroyed me. I was broken. And only 23 years old. We were planning our wedding...
I went off the rails. Drinking so much and ended up in hospital for 3 weeks. I went back to my mums for 5 months to recover and put the pieces back together best I could.
Fast forward 18 months and I meet someone (another soldier). We hit it off and although I'm reluctant and scared at first, a relationship blossomed. We are now married and 3 weeks ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I love my husband dearly, he put me back together and fixed my heart. I've never compared them... Maybe that's how I was able to love again. My American soldier wrote me a letter, in case of his death. That letter helped me to know it was ok to move on when it felt right.

But I feel guilty... I look at my baby and wish Trev was here to see this... I wish he was here to see my baby. I feel guilty that my life goes on and that I love someone else.

There is no one in real life I can say this too without them thinking I don't love my husband... I do! With all my heart but that doesn't mean I can't miss Trev!!

Sorry, this probably doesn't make much sense but there you go...

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EeyoresGloomyPlace · 23/02/2013 18:54

Im so sorry for your loss. Grief is such a complicated, deep running emotion, you can't switch off your love because the subject has been taken from you, but equally that doesn't mean you can never learn to love again.

Congratulations on the birth of your precious baby. I hope in time you will be able to come to terms with the mix of feelings you have, but to my untrained and inexperienced ear you sound like you are going through a very normal grieving process with very normal feelings.

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Lucyellensmum95 · 23/02/2013 18:58

Your soldier would not want you to be alone, he loved you and he wants you to be happy. You owe it to him actually to be as happy as you can, be a good mum and enjoy the love of your DH and new baby. Please don't feel guilty, you honour the dead by living life well. You must feel very proud to have known and loved Trev who died protecting people.

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Moominsarehippos · 23/02/2013 19:01

Congratulations on moving on with your life and having a beautiful baby.

If course you will miss Trev, why wouldn't you? You must wonder 'what if...' all the time. It is lovely that you remember him with pride and affection, and I'm sure his family will appreciate that.

Focus on your life now, but don't forget a brave man. Remember, generations of women have gone through this (and not all that long ago). So keep a little corner in your heart for him (sit and remember him, and have a few tears too), but let your husband and baby take up the most space in there - they need you most.

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simbaandblue · 23/02/2013 19:08

He was the bravest man I've ever known and I feel blessed to have known and been loved by him. But you're right, he would want me to be happy. We talked about it before his final tour, about what he wanted for me and now I have him. Part of me likes to think he helped me find my husband and I believe he is watching over me, still protecting me.
I miss his company so much and there is still a place for him in my heart and one day I will tell me son all about him. At my wedding my maid of honour read out a poem that meant a lot to me and Trev, "I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)", I keep him close all the time.
Thanks for your lovely comments xxxx

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Goldmandra · 23/02/2013 22:28

Your OP makes perfect sense. It is right that you should treasure your time with Trev and miss him. You shared something really special.

It is also lovely that, although his life was cut short, he was able to enjoy your wonderful relationship and the happy times you enjoyed together. You each gave the other a very precious gift.

He would want you to be happy and to have a loving family to share your life with because he cared so much about you and I'm sure he knew that, no matter what happened, he would always have a very special place in your heart.

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Moominsarehippos · 24/02/2013 14:18

I'm sure your husband understands. He will have lost close friends too in his line of work. Cherish your baby and husband, and also your memories.

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marmon · 25/02/2013 20:11

My dp died and I remarried just over two years after his death and I felt exactly the same as you. Infact my dp has been dead just over 10 years and today I shed a little tear for him, I love my dh dearly but like you I keep a special place in my heart for my dp.
We have to live our lives or the alternative is a lifetime of mourning and thats not healthy for anyone. Enjoy your life and all its adventures and rest assured that your soldier is along side you smiling all the way.xx

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nkf · 25/02/2013 20:16

I think you've had some major experiences at a very young age. And that's why you seem wise. It's okay to remember your first love. It's okay to love again and be happy. It's all part of life. Congratulations on your new family.

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AmandaPayne · 25/02/2013 20:34

My grandmother lost her husband early (in her early 50s) to cancer. 10 years later she remarried a lovely man who was a widower.

20+ years later they both prominently display photos of their first spouse in their home. My grandmother will openly say that she wishes my grandfather had seen some major event - like my wedding.

I think their age, and the fact that they had both lost spouses, enabled them to understand that one love is not diminished or threatened by love for someone who is gone. They will both love their first spouses until they die, but are equally devoted to one another.

I am sure that your husband understands this too (particularly with his job), far earlier than many of us ever do. Are you able to share any of your feelings with your husband, or are you keeping it pent up inside?

Sorry for your loss, and congratulations on your new baby.

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simbaandblue · 25/02/2013 22:29

Thanks for all the lovely comments! It helps to air how I feel on here.
My husband knows very little about my relationship for Trev because I found it the easiest way at the beginning. He knows the important bits. I prefer it that way, I like my memories to be my memories if that makes sense? I have some amazing friends who always listen but for a while now I haven't spoken about T.

My baby boy is amazing and he keeps me going, just looking at him... Never felt love like this! One of the hardest things to face was actually that my husband treats me better than any man ever has, he is just amazing! I had a very difficult labour and my DH has been incredible, looks after me and helps me recover. But I've accepted that I'll always have a place for my Hero!!
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