remembering the babies lost in 2005......

[wannabump2006]

hi there,not so sure how to start this one as i told myself that i wouldn't come back onto mn,but as it happens here i am!!!!(doh!).....

well i was on here alot last year as i'd lost my first born son in may 2005.He was stillborn at 33weeks due to a rare liver/heart malformation.I'd then gone on to get pregnant again in the august(this was prob not the best idea,but for anyone who can empathise:you just want to be pregnant and have a baby in your arms..)..I then miscarried as the baby had stopped growing at 5 weeks...absolutly heartbreaking!!:(
Well after that i became very depressed,was put on tablets and couldn't return to work as a nursery nurse in a baby unit as it was too much for me.....so up until just recently i've been at home,getting better..mentally and physically,and as i'm in a new job just trying to get on with life....
Around the time i miscarried a woman i knew from the pub also found out she was pregnant,and due the week after i would have been due(really did my head in!!)...shes recently had the baby and bought it in the pub today to show everyone...i couldn't bring myself to even look at her!!let alone at the gorgeous bundle i could imagine she had in the pram!!!!!...it prob made me look like a real bitch!!...i'm really not honest!!....has anyone else had a similar situation!!??.........
Anyway its bought back lots of memories and made me quite emotional(having dreaded af at the mo doesn't help either!!)...plus the anniversary of my baby boys stillbirth is coming up on the 14th of may,and it seems like such a hurdle coming up that i won't be able to get over!!!....
I just wondered if anyone who i spoke to last year is around?I was writing then as shelley24,and then before i stopped coming on here had this nickname......

I'm hoping to settle into this new job and start having abit of a life again!!(have not worked for a year!!)...and then DH and i have decided to start ttc in august.....

please feel free to share your stories on here with me and we can support each other,or just to remember your little angels......i really hope some old familiars are still out there as i'd so love to hear from you!!!.....:):):):):)

[bramblina]

Oh I'm so sad for you. The title said it all for me- I have barely thought about the babies I lost since I had my ds in August but am now welling up as I write this as when I do think of them I feel so guilty for moving on and being so happy with my beautiful ds.
I had earlier mc's than you (so really cannot begin to imagine how you have survived) first at 14 wks, then 11wks, then 6 wks and then 5wks. The first was the hardest and I just dreaded my due date, 2 close friends were due then and I couldn't have forgotten even if I'd wanted to. Getting past that due date really did make a big difference to me though, I think up till then I would imagine myself pregnant and wanting to hold on to that thought but after I would have been due, well I couldn't "imagine" the baby's face so kind of had to let go of that thought, IYSWIM.
Consequently it took me a year to become pg again, depression etc took hold but that did get better as time went on.
I know what you mean about not even being able to look at the new baby but feeling so awful for it.
$ years on and we have a wonderful son, but when I do think back to that awful period, well, I can't remember much of it, I think I've blanked it from my memory but I do remember being a different person and it's awful to think others are still going through it, I'm so sorry for you. You will come out the other end though, so stay strong, and I send you lots of love.

[wendy11]

I remember your story and I am so sorry you have had such an awful time since then. The anniversary of your little boys birth will be a very traumatic time for you. Take each day as it comes and be gentle and kind to yourself over that time.

I lost my little boy through a stillbirth in September 2004 and have since had 2 m/c (both IVF pgs), one last August and one in February this year. September was one hardest months of my life, the anniversary of the loss of Adam and the relative rawness of a m/c after the stress of fertility treatment. It was almost too much to bear and without the love and strength shown to me by my family and friends I would not have been able to cope. I am coming up to the time I found out I was pg with Adam and finding it so hard that here I am two years down the line and I still don't have a baby in my arms or at the moment even the hope of one. Life can be so difficult and it is so easy to fall into that deep dark hole of depression.

I really hope that things are on the turn for you and that a new job may herald the beginning of many new things in your life and hopefully some really good news in the not too distant future. Take good care of yourself. I don't come onto MN very much any more but I will check on you over the next few weeks.

[coggy]

wannabump - I haven't got much time to be on mn at the moment but my first born, also a boy, was stillborn last year. He died on his due date at the end of May because of a knot in his cord.
We have been ttc without any luck since then - I know exactly what you mean about several things that you have written.
Anyone with any sympathy would not think that you looked like a bitch. Four of my friends had babies closely to me. One had her little boy only nine days later - that was tough because we did the Mothercare thing together etc.
Hopefully I will have some more time to come back on here in a day or two.
Take care,
X

[diddle]

Oh shelley - i know the feeling very well. got to dahs off to do school run right now, but will be back later to share my thoughts. big hugs to you mate

[whiffy]

Really feel for some of you posting here. I had an ectopic and then 7 m/cs, mostly between 9 and 12 weeks. It was so traumatic, that I found being pg an absolute trial - kept waiting for something to go wrong, which it always seemed to do (and usually without warning, so I was usually told at the scanning table that there was no heartbeat).

I can't even begin to imagine how a stillbirth must feel. One of my friends had a baby die during childbirth and it was 2 years before she could talk about little Joseph.

Please try not to be too downheartened. I now have a beautiful DS and am in the 2nd trim expecting number 2. My friend has a beautiful daughter. We will never forget the sad times we went through but I think my friend would agree with me that we would go through it all again in an instant to end up with our children. It is worth it in the end though it seems such a dark dark time to get through. {hugs}

[diddle]

Right Shelley i'm back.
So glad that you are on the mend and at least feeling better than you were. This is obviously going to be a tough time for you, anniversarys often are, mine have passed already at the end of last year and the beginning of this year. The days were very hard and it is so easy to think that you're the only one who remembers what happened at that time a year ago or more.
I can totally understand why you reacted the way you did to the lady in the pub, and nobody would blame you for feeling sad, angry or upset, life is very unfair.
I think the break from TTC and sorting out your life will have done you the world of good, and your body will be in tip top condition in August when you start again.
I am now 33 wks pregnant myself and after a trauma free pregnancy so far, I still won't let my mind relax about the pregnancy. I am constantly worried it will go wrong. I won't rest unti the baby is in my arms, and even then there will just be different worries that come with having a newborn.
There is light at the end of the tunnel for you, your time will come and you'll be a fantastic mom one day.
In the meantime, don't feel bad for remembering your lost little angels, and don't feel bad if you don't think about them every day. I don't think of my two all the time, but some days something just sets me off and i remember all the pain and heartache it leaves you with. I have two rose bushes in memory of them and i am proud to say they are still alive growing strong, and a lovely reminder of the two that left us too early.
sending you lots of lovely hugs and wishing you all the best.

[wannabump2006]

just a quick message to say thanks soo much for your replies!!!!....i've got a weight watchers meeting at 6 so i'll write abit more later,love lots,shell.x.x.x.x.

[slinkstah]

Another May05 baby here
Seven Tahlia born and died 23 weeks on the 20th
still heartbroken and can't believe its nearly a year.
i am pg again and have had a rather stressful pg with the same thing threatened to happen again at 23 weeks but luckily caught in time (cervix stitched)
i totally understand about not being able to deal with seeing the new baby in the pub, i saw a new baby in a shop the other day and my sister was cooing over it etc and i couldn't look, i also find it hard when i see babies the same age as what my dd would have been now.
well... in fact i am just angry bitter and sad and i have no idea how i am going to cope with having another baby very soon while im still grieveing for my dd i lost.

this is the reason i don't come on this thread anymore as i can't give much advice to anyone as still sad myself:(

[stoppinattwo]

A v good friend on mine lost her DS at 2.5 on the 6th of May after a very short but tough fight with Cancer.
I feel still so cheated for her and so blessed that my DC's are healthy.
When I think about him i still cry for him and her. Dont think I'll ever stop.

I remember this message that i put in a card for her, I can't remember it exactly.

"some poeple come into our lives and quickly go, some stay for a while, they all leave footprints in our hearts and we are never ever the same"

When I lost my dad in 97 i felt quite stong, like that was the worst thing that could happen to me, nothing could hurt quite as much, I didnt have kids then, I dont quite know what I would do If anything happened to them. I think about all of you who have ever lost a child - you are the strong ones.

[Nicola63]

It is now just over a year since I lost twins in my first m/c. It was early (10 weeks), but it was my first pregnancy (even though I was 41 years old), eagerly and happily awaited and greeted, and the thought of things going wrong had not crossed my mind until that time. The m/c came as a cruel shock. It happened in another country and was just three days before my wedding, at which I had been planning to reveal my pregnancy to my family, and so that made it hard. I will not forget the 2 little babies I lost.

I really feel for those who lost babies later, ior had a stillbirth. My mother had a fullterm stillbirth when I was 16, it was a very traumatic experience for the whole family, and in thise days the way these things were dealt with was that they were simply not referred to ever again, which is what happened. My mum went on to have another baby three years later and this helped heal the pain, I think, but I sometimes think about that lost baby who was never mentioned again.

[seriouslystressedspacecadet]

i lost a baby girl in march of last year at 16 weeks and another girl in october at 23 weeks, a close friend of mine was due the same time as me and ive found it very difficult seeing her with her new baby(born in feb).

[amyjade]

Remembering my beautiful daughter Freya who passed away aged 19 months on 16th April 2005 from Pneumococcal meningitis.


The loss of Freya has totally devestated my life, i miss her every second of everyday.
Freya was the absolute light of my life, a shy and content little girl who touched the hearts of everyone who knew her.


Forever part of our hearts.

Could we ever forget your sparkling eyes
or the way you brightened each day,
or the smile which is etched in our memories,
so you are never far away?
Could we ever forget those priceless moments?
The answer, of course, is never.
For you were part of our lives for a brief time,
but you'll be part of our hearts forever.


You will always be with me baby girl xxxxxxxxxx