Hope no one minds me posting this as I know it's not a recent bereavement but I need to get this down so I can put on my "happy face" once again.
My darling boy died 28 years ago (October) a tragic accident that shouldnt have happened but it did and I cant change that.
I had 3 other DC after he died, (also his twin sister) and I now have 6 gorgeous grandchildren, I should be happy but I'm not, I still want what I cant ever have, my beautiful son back.
His birthday is awful because I need to be happy for his sister but Christmas is worse because I need to be happy for everyone.
I went to his grave yesterday, took him his bit Christmas cake and mince pie, silly I know but I dont want him to miss out (I crumble them over his grave).
So Christmas "starts" today, family will visit tomorrow, no one will mention him and why should they? 3 of my DC never knew him and his sister cant remember him.
Family and friends tell me I'm lucky to have such a lovely family and I know deep down I am but my son is missing. He will never be here with his wife and children, I will never kiss his beautiful face or pick out a silly jumper with rudolph on it for him.
I miss him, I'm angry, I'm sad but these feelings have to be ignored then on Sunday, I can visit him again, tell him what a lovely time we had and give him his New Year nip of whisky and get ready to start another year without him.
The saddest thing of all though, is that there too many parents who know exactly how I feel
Anyway I'm going to get the "happy face" on now, and tomorrow I will say a little prayer for bereaved parents everywhere because I know there are are lots of other "happy faces" celebrating Christmas.
I know it's not the same at all but my mum died 27 years ago today when I was 14. We just had to get on with it and we did have many kind people around but after a few weeks we were just expected to do the "chin up" routine and get on with life.
So although no comparison, really sorry for your loss and the fact that it is so hidden x
Sending you a hug. This is my first Christmas without my son. I cannot imagine a Christmas when I won't think about him. Our children are alive in your hearts forever. I hope you can share your feelings with others, even just one person. The ladies on the 'misty breeze' thread are marvellous. I don't know what I would do without them xxx
I am in the situation of your later children OP. my brothers death before I was born affected me greatly. It was only when I was in my 30s that I was "allowed" to discover and express this feeling. It had wrongly been assumed by my family that I didn't or couldn't be affected by the death of somebody I never knew.
One of the reasons for this was "don't mention x, mam is more upset than you, and sure you never knew x". This was from well meaning siblings, who I believe have never faced their own enormous grief, being young children themselves when he died.
My grandma lost her first child n a tragic accident when my mum was only 18 months old. My grandparents had a further 3 children, but as a child I used to listen to my grandma talking endlessly about her missing child. It was so sad. No counselling then either (1930s).
It would be so lovely if you could have someone with you when you give your son his cake, and his whisky. I hope you find ways to talk about your son, and that your family and friends listen and reply.
And I agree, mumsnet can be wonderfully supportive. Just knowing you can write here, and so many people listen, can be healing, I have found. I hope you find some comfort here too.