My 28th Christmas without my darling son

(30 Posts)
MrsPresley Mon 24-Dec-12 07:46:06

Hope no one minds me posting this as I know it's not a recent bereavement but I need to get this down so I can put on my "happy face" once again.

My darling boy died 28 years ago (October) a tragic accident that shouldnt have happened but it did and I cant change that.

I had 3 other DC after he died, (also his twin sister) and I now have 6 gorgeous grandchildren, I should be happy but I'm not, I still want what I cant ever have, my beautiful son back.

His birthday is awful because I need to be happy for his sister but Christmas is worse because I need to be happy for everyone.

I went to his grave yesterday, took him his bit Christmas cake and mince pie, silly I know but I dont want him to miss out (I crumble them over his grave).

So Christmas "starts" today, family will visit tomorrow, no one will mention him sad and why should they? 3 of my DC never knew him and his sister cant remember him.

Family and friends tell me I'm lucky to have such a lovely family and I know deep down I am but my son is missing. He will never be here with his wife and children, I will never kiss his beautiful face or pick out a silly jumper with rudolph on it for him.

I miss him, I'm angry, I'm sad but these feelings have to be ignored then on Sunday, I can visit him again, tell him what a lovely time we had and give him his New Year nip of whisky and get ready to start another year without him.

The saddest thing of all though, is that there too many parents who know exactly how I feel sad

Anyway I'm going to get the "happy face" on now, and tomorrow I will say a little prayer for bereaved parents everywhere because I know there are are lots of other "happy faces" celebrating Christmas.

MikeLitorisHasChristmasLights Mon 24-Dec-12 07:49:49

I am so sorry for you.

I cant say anything else but be kind to yourself and I hope you manage to get some hapiness out of the next few days.

X

chibi Mon 24-Dec-12 07:49:50

your post touched me, and i am sending you internet hugs x

ripsishere Mon 24-Dec-12 07:51:50

Me too. I seldom look in this area but you came up as 'last 15 minutes'.
Please be kind to yourself. I can't imagine the pain you are going through, even 28 years later.
Have you had any counseling?

Fishandjam Mon 24-Dec-12 07:54:47

Hugs from me too.

It's very sad that nobody mentions him. Do you think people do it so they don't upset you? Could you quietly put a photo of him somewhere prominent, without saying anything?

KnottysNom Mon 24-Dec-12 07:58:51

Oh love sad

Please look after yourself x

CheerfulYank Mon 24-Dec-12 08:01:50

So, so sorry. He will always be your boy!

Some relatives of mine (grandmother's cousins, I think the exact relationship was) were very close to my family while I was growing up. Their three year old died of leukemia in 1942. His father only passed away three years ago, and I think his Johnny was never far from his mind, after all that time.

I'm so sorry, you must miss him so much. <hugs>

Bullincathkidston Mon 24-Dec-12 08:02:09

I'm sorry, ill think of you and your son on Christmas Day. Hugs here too x

TheFollyfootandtheivy Mon 24-Dec-12 08:05:09

Oh bless you Mrs P. Taking him a mince pie and Christmas cake is just lovely, not silly in the slightest. I hope you get through the Christmas season OK. Even though its been 28 long years, that huge gap in your life is still there isnt it, guess you just get better at living with that gap, it doesnt go away. Ever.

Sending you lots of love. We have a special star on our Christmas tree for DH's sister. Sadly she wont ever see it but we know its there xx

MrsPresley Mon 24-Dec-12 08:05:55

Thank you x

I wish Mumsnet had been around years ago!

ripsishere I was pregnant with DD2 when my son died so was just expected to get on with it and "think of the baby" sad, so no counselling.

Fishandjam You've hit the nail on the head, people dont mention him in case it upsets me, but it upsets me that they dont.

But I'll get through it, I always do but this year, today, it was lovely just being able to put on paper so to speak, how I feel.

I still feel a bit sefish though because there are so many people who dont have any family left to share Christmas (or any day) with.

I only have 3 photos of him because I was in hospital with DD2 (complications) and when I came home at the end of January, everything had been taken away, his bed, toys, clothes. It was thought, very wrongly that the best thing was to forget all about him angry and concentrate on what I did have, I'm still so angry about that!

LadyKinbote Mon 24-Dec-12 08:07:43

How awful, I can't imagine how you feel. I think it's important to find a way of including him at Christmas - do you light a candle for him or anything? Your DC probably don't realise how much you need to talk about him. Are you able to say "I'm missing your brother today, would you like to look at some photos with me?". Would it help to tell us about him - his name and what he was like? And of course there is no time limit on bereavement councilling if you feel that would help. I hope Christmas goes as well for you as it possibly can.

Whatiswitnit Mon 24-Dec-12 08:10:58

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your son. I can only imagine how heartbreaking it is for you.

Please don't hide your feelings from your family. If you want to have a cry then do it. Your children have their own children so they will understand your sadness.

Talk about your son. Whether they knew him or not, he is their brother and deserves to be remembered.

I hope you have a happy Christmas. X

BeginningtoffeealotlikeXmas Mon 24-Dec-12 08:24:34

I'm so sorry for your loss. Would it help a little to make a book of memories of him that you could, perhaps, show to your other children? It sounds as if you don't feel he is seen as part of your family anymore, as no one talks about him, and that must feel very lonely and painful for you. I would imagine your boy's twin sister, in particular, would like to know more about him and have the opportunity to talk about him.

It must have been dreadful for you to find that all this things had been taken away sad. All those toys and clothes would have been some small comfort to you.

I agree with the poster who suggested bereavement counselling. Did you know that you can ask for counselling through your GP? It is available on the NHS.

My aunt lost her son (my cousin) 31 years ago. It makes no difference to her that it was so many years ago - she still misses him just as much, even though she has made a new life for herself. We have never held back from talking about him. It must be so sad for you that nobody talks about your baby anymore.

When I think of my cousin this Christmas Day, I will think too of your son.

CheerfulYank Mon 24-Dec-12 08:28:10

Yes, please feel free to talk about him here, all you want! We would love to hear about what he was like.

Maybe you could get a small frame-type ornament, and put one of his pictures on your tree each year?

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman Mon 24-Dec-12 08:31:09

I am so sorry. Your post reminds me of my nana. Her son died when he was three months old.
She missed him everyday until she dies 50 years later. He was still her son as much as her other children were her children.

I am so sorry and I don't know what you are experiencing directly. But I saw it with my nana. She took him Christmas cake as well.

Look after yourself and I will think of you tomorrow.

AngelPup Mon 24-Dec-12 08:37:28

I am so sorry for your loss. It must be so hard when you feel that you are the only person who is feeling that way because everyone else has moved on. Worse that you feel you have to be happy for everyone and hide your true feelings.

I do wonder if you could tell your family how you feel and ask for their support. Maybe they just don't realise how you feel because you have done such a good job of hiding it over the years.

Talk with them and see if you can start a family tradition of say, lighting a candle and saying a little prayer every Christmas Eve / Day in memory of your son...just so you feel he is part of the festivities. Knowing that everyone is also remembering him, or at least joining you in your remembrance of him, may help you feel less alone. Just an idea.

Take care.

EnjoyResponsibly Mon 24-Dec-12 08:45:43

I'm so sorry for your tragic loss.

I have a cousin who died 25 plus years ago, i know he is next to his mum her every waking minute. I talk to her about him because I remember so much of our childhood. It's so bloody unfair.

Be kind to yourself. Sending a unMN hug xx

I'm glad you can light a candle for him.
Please, don't squash your feelings. You don't 'need to be happy' for anyone if it means acting what you are not feeling. Emotions are powerful things, don't deny them.

everlong Mon 24-Dec-12 14:06:29

I am so sorry. 28 years sad such a long time to grieve, to keep that pain to yourself.

There's lots of mums ( and a few dads ) that post on here who have lost a child. We understand. We know it doesn't go away.

So always post if you need support.

Sending you a big hug from one mum to another ((love))

Fuchzia Mon 24-Dec-12 14:14:00

Nothing to say but so sorry. I'll be thinking of you.

bamboostalks Mon 24-Dec-12 14:16:30

Perhaps raise a toast to him tomorrow and don't worry about shedding a tear. We always toast absent family and friends and have a weep. Very cathartic.

RandallPinkFloyd Mon 24-Dec-12 14:24:57

I'm so sorry OP.

I have a very close relative in a very similar situation. She lost 2 young daughters in a tragic accident at home.

They would be in their early 40's by now but I know she thinks of them every day.

Her husband wouldn't let her talk about them at all. That sounds horrible written down but I think he just couldn't cope with it.

I know one of her biggest joys is that her granddaughter looks very much like one of her daughters. It shows that a part of them is still here.

I think the things you take for him are lovely, he's part of your family

What was your son's name? What was he like?

Beachcombergirl Mon 24-Dec-12 19:11:31

Much love. Take care. I'm so sorry for your loss

Im so sorry OP, My brother died 31 years ago, my mum was also not offered any counselling and basically told to get on with it for the sake of then two year old me.

Christmas is so difficult, we are always one missing.
Hugs to you.

chubbychipmonk Tue 25-Dec-12 00:42:07

Merry Xmas to you & ALL your family including your son, I'm sure he'll be right by your side today X

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