Dad's got a girlfriend ...

(13 Posts)
yellowsheep Thu 20-Dec-12 14:40:01

My lovley mum died in may this year, so this will be our first christmas without her, the house looks so empty at the moment (she was xmas mad and there wouldnt even be a tree up now if my DD hadnt begged her grandad to decorate it). we had been staying with him for a while until new house is ready should be tomorrow (yeah)

New woman is 'popping in' on christmas morning as she has bought presents for everyone including my children, i have only met her twice. My sister is not happy about my dad meeting somone, and said she dosnt want to meet her yet - and he hasnt mentioned she will be comming round on xmas day. things are more complicated as we have a brother with servere learning difficulties who will be 'home' for xmas as well he has not met the other woman and i have no idea how he will react/if he will react at all.

I love my daddy and really want him to be happy and the new woman obviously makes him happy - he grins evry time she phones etc... but i think her comming into the family home on xmas morning is too much.

I have tried suguesting that maybe another day between xmas and new year would be better for us all but dad is adament that she is just popping in on the way to her familys house....

I only just about coped when she came round last week and had one of the twins on her lap reading to him.... that was what my mum did.

carocaro Thu 20-Dec-12 16:14:38

I know how hard this can be, but some men are like Jerry Merquire (Tom Cruise movie) they 'can't be alone' which is not a bad thing, just how they are. He sounds happy which is a good thing. To be honest, her just popping in sounds OK to me and a fair compromise on your Dad's part and on the ladies part, she could have been in decorating the house and cooking lunch! She sounds like she is trying to be kind to you all. Remember she is not a Mum-replacement just someone nice your Dad has met and she is making a lovley effort with the children's presents and everything. It is hard when this dynamic shifts, when I first met my now step Dad I was a nervous petulant wreck!

I think Christmas is a time for a bit of love and understanding (I shall be trying out this ideal when MIL is with us over Xmas!!) so this brief time on Xmas morning should be fine. I understand grief and the overwhelming sense of loss that comes with loosing a parent and when that parent moves on, but think of it this way he could be lonely and miserable instead he's found some companionship to help him. I am sure your brother and sister will be fine, a hello and a happy christmas is all that's needed, you don't have to have massive big conflabs! I think if you don't allow it to happen you might feel a bit tight later on, on Christmas day. Try and think of it as a little christmas present to your Dad from you all.

Mollydoggerson Thu 20-Dec-12 16:20:46

I think it's disrespectfull to your entitlement to have a fair amount of time to grieve your mother's loss. I would feel uncomfortable for things to move this fast and I think the gf has a nerve to sit your son on her knee. It just seems too familiar too soon.

What can you do?

Tell your father and even tell the new gf you need more time and Christmas Day is also a day for reminiscence this year and you would prefer to postpone her call by a few days.

If this doesn't work.

You can be civil to her and then go for a walk if it starts getting too much for you.

I'm sorry for your loss.

LookingForNewName Thu 20-Dec-12 16:36:19

I think its his home and his call if I'm honest as difficult as this is for everyone else involved and I do sympathise, it is his right to live his life as he sees fit. If you and your sis do not want to meet her then do not be there, but I think that would be very disrespectful so one who has made an effort to buy gifts and meet you guys.

carocaro Thu 20-Dec-12 19:23:00

MD - "GF has the nerve"- she's not evil, she was trying to be nice, would you rather she had ignored them and batter them away if they cam up to her? You make her sound like the bad person is this situation when there is no bad person!

yellowsheep Fri 21-Dec-12 11:53:21

My sister has now said that she is not ready to meet the girlfriend yet and if she is to come round on Christmas day then her and her partner won't be there at all......

So I am stick in themiddle and I will have to tell my dad what she has said sad

Mollydoggerson Fri 21-Dec-12 16:22:34

Carocaro, I didn't say she was evil (throws eyes to heaven). Why are you asking me silly questions? If I were in that position I would rather that an older adult would have the cop on to tread softly.

Yellowsheep, can your sister not ring your dad directly and tell him herself?

yellowsheep Fri 21-Dec-12 19:44:47

ow is not comming now... she is comming on christmas eve instead

LookingForNewName Fri 21-Dec-12 23:01:26

I disis comes round and accepts OW, seems like you are stuck in the middle, go with what your heart says, if you think DF and GF are due some support and acceptance then go with it, don't feel obliged to support your ds if your df is happy.

carocaro Sat 22-Dec-12 12:43:47

"Carocaro, I didn't say she was evil (throws eyes to heaven). Why are you asking me silly questions? If I were in that position I would rather that an older adult would have the cop on to tread softly"

Why are you saying silly things? 'had the nerve to sit the child on her knee' (throws eyes to heaven) Being nice to a child that screams of having the cop to tread softly.

OP - your sister needs to sort it out herself with your Dad. I presume she's a grown up and not a child. It is very mean of her to put you in this position.

HalfSpamHalfBrisket Sat 22-Dec-12 13:05:34

Sorry about the loss of your beloved mum, yellow. I'm glad there has been a compromise. I'm struggling with a similar situation as mum asked if her new partner could be at Christmas dinner this year. It's just too soon and too raw for me. He will be around at some point during the day though.

Logically, like you, I understand and acknowledge that my mother has the right to bring a new partner in to the family. Emotionally it is not as easy - I am upset by the replacement of my lovely dad so quickly.

Blondeshavemorefun Wed 26-Dec-12 16:52:27

sorry for the loss of your mum but your dad has every right to meet someone new who can make him happy

i speak from experience, my dh died last april, and i met a new man 8/9mths later - i wasnt looking for someone, but it just happened, and he gave me my smile back

i will never forget my dh - spent 19years together, but life goes on and if your dad has met someone who can help mend his heart then i hope your sister and you, can be happy for him

im sure many think i moved on too soon, but till you have been in that position you will never know how you will feel

meeting someone else doesnt mean your dad doesnt love your mum anymore, or that he has forgotten her

i describe my feelings and love for my new man as like having another child

you have your first born and totally love and adore them, then you have a 2nd child - doesnt mean you love no 2 more or no 1 less - but that you love them the same

its so hard for the new partner and whatever they do, someone will always not like it

life is too short and sadly sometimes tomorrow doesnt come, so any chance of happiness then let 'the ones who are left behind' smile again x

sorry a little long winded, but glad a compromise was sorted

Pagwatch Wed 26-Dec-12 17:11:23

It is difficult for everyone though.
Tutting at the op and her sister is as insensitive is as harsh as judging the father for perusing a second relationship.
It's all to do with grief and grief is so hard to process. The loss of a parent can make a child of us again. Seeing a parent with a new partner is a bitter sweet mixture of happiness that they have found a new person to care for and who cares for them, and a unavoidable stark reminder of the parent you have lost.
I am never more aware that my dad is dead than when I see my mother with her new DP. Of course I am so happy for her but it can take time to process and adjust to this unavoidable reminder that my dad really has gone. I have 7 siblings and each one of us reacted differently. Grief is personal.

Op I think the fact that you are all trying to navigate this speaks to how much you care for each other. It takes time but if you are all thinking about it, trying to be sensitive and kind, it will sort itself out.

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