my brother has killed himself...

(67 Posts)
kneesofnorks Mon 10-Dec-12 20:03:33

I feel so guilty I wasnt there for him, he lived in canada, im in england and i had no idea he was in such a dark place.

Its been 24 hours since we had a call from his local police and every minute feels harder and harder...

I dont have a passport and dont have the money for a flight over, my aunt and uncle are having to deal with it all as my parents arent fit to fly over, I feel like im letting him down sad

kneesofnorks Wed 12-Dec-12 16:07:31

Couldn't face work today, I didn't sleep last night again. We're getting more information each day and I'm not sure if it. Makes it easier or harder? He'd taken paracetamol so part of me is glad the hypothermia got him as that's more peaceful than a painful organ failure... part of it makes it worse that its confirmation it was deliberate

ChippingInAWinterWonderland Wed 12-Dec-12 17:07:29

Knees - I'm not surprised you couldn't face work today my love. No one with half a brain or half a heart would expect you to be there sad

I think having all of the truth is a good thing, otherwise you would be left with more questions than answers and that's really hard.

I am very sad that he thought this was the best (only?) option, but I hope he died painlessly.

Do you know what he was arrested for? Maybe the guilt or embarrassment of that was just the final straw for him? He seems to have been OK for money (as he's paid his rent in advance), so at least he wasn't forced into 'living rough' and 'commiting crimes' to exist.

Did your Aunt and Uncle see him very often?

It's so very sad, I wish I could give you a hug now and I wish he hadn't felt this was his best/only choice.

HolofernesesHead Wed 12-Dec-12 17:15:35

Really sorry to hear this, Knees.

anonononon Wed 12-Dec-12 17:17:25

Knees,
Please get yourself signed off - a Drs note stating unfit to work is a much stronger position to be in if you face a disciplinary for your sickness record rather than making it in some days and not others because you can't sleep or think straight.

I have never got to the bottom of why my DB did what he did, and can't understand it, even now. The best way I've found to deal with it is he made what he thought to be the best decision at the time with the information he had, however devastating it is to those picking up the pieces.

Be kind to your self. Its a cliché, but it really will get easier in time. However if I'm anything to go by, it will take a while (weeks-months) for you to be able to put it aside for few hours, rather than it being the only thing going round your mind.

Mindingalongtime Wed 12-Dec-12 18:40:48

knees sorry for your loss. Canadian affair are good for flights as you can choose the cheapest out and back, they work on single flight dates. DS always books a single out and then decides when to come back dependent on price.

Take care.

kneesofnorks Wed 12-Dec-12 19:07:14

He's being cremated between 3 and 4 tomorrow afternoon UK time. Mum and dad are coming to mine so we can be together

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen Sat 15-Dec-12 09:09:11

How are you doing knees?

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 15-Dec-12 16:51:54

Knees - just wanted to pop by and say that I'm still thinking of you - and of course your parents x

kneesofnorks Sat 15-Dec-12 23:58:08

Im taking one day at a time, a cliche but what else can i do? I did a lot if crying and hugging with mum and dad on thurs, ive never seen them so upset.
Aunt and uncle sent pictures of his flowers and coffin, that was hard to look at, they said he looked peaceful and as if he was asleep, i feel a bit happier knowing he's at peace, after all if he had been in pain from cancer or something we'd have been glad he wasnt hurting any more, in a way its the same, just a different kind of pain?
I managed to talk about him without crying so i must be coping better, christmas will be hard but really new yr will be harder, he always called just after midnight and wont this year.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen Sun 16-Dec-12 01:10:27

I'm so sorry sad

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sun 16-Dec-12 01:32:59

Oh love - yes, it is all you can do, one day at a time. Sometimes it's one day, one hour, one minute - coping with 'right now'. You sound very strong though and are doing really, really well to be able to talk about him without crying. It is good that you can find a bit of peace knowing that he's not hurting anymore x

Greensleeves Sun 16-Dec-12 01:34:12

I'm so sorry. Take it one day at a time and be gentle with yourself sad

GRW Sun 16-Dec-12 08:29:20

I am so sorry, and will think of you over Christmas and New Year. You are doing so well, and hold onto to the thought that for your brother the suffering is over and everything is ok. I remember feeling that too when my sister died, and it did help x

kneesofnorks Wed 19-Dec-12 15:56:05

Ive been back at work since monday, still not really sleeping but mostly feeling a bit normal. His death cert arrived today so thats knocked me down a bit. Off for a christmas meal with friends tonight, so im hoping that will put me in a bit more of a seasonal mood.
Ive probably spoken to my mum and dad more in the last 10 days than in the last 6 months, i think we're all making more of an effort to reassure each other...

Sunnywithachanceofjinglebells Wed 19-Dec-12 23:38:34

Big hugs knees x

roughtyping Wed 19-Dec-12 23:41:00

knees, I'm so sorry for your loss. One of my friends committed suicide a few weeks ago and it's been horrendous, can't begin to imagine how you feel. Sending lots of hugs and positive thoughts to you all x

Mollydoggerson Wed 19-Dec-12 23:59:22

I'm so sorry for your loss and it's not your fault in any way, I hope you can all find peace with this terrible turn of events.

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