Support thread for anyone grieving for a parent

(980 Posts)
mummylin Sat 08-Dec-12 19:28:41

I have done as maybe has suggested and started a new thread.My comp dosent cope well with long threads.

I think because it was all i used to do i feel at a complete loss now, when littlest monster goes back to school what next. Theres been so much going on recently just wish i had her here, would give anything to see her smile again.

t875 Fri 28-Dec-12 23:23:41

Oh I know what you mean my god i do. It's new years eve is going to be hard too. That time last year we had one hell of a party there was only 8 of us but we must have sounded like we were in a party of 20!

I'm pleased her last new years not only my brother was with us ( always not been with us) and she danced and really partied with us.
It is mental and so shit she isn't here this year! How the hell is she not here this year! And Suprisingly my brother isn't going to be with us.

Hope Christmas went along ok waiting. Was so hard wasn't it. I bet our muns were there though. X

Christmas was ok, spent some time with my grandparents brother and sister. it was nice and we had some laughs but plenty of tears too. doubt we will do anything for new year, been invited out tonight but don't feel like it right now will see. how are you all?

mummylin Sat 29-Dec-12 14:23:50

Well it seems that most of us have now got through xmas without our loved ones.You wonder how can that be,how can we have xmas with someone so loved missing ? I am not going out on new years eve,couldnt face it last year and cant face it this year either.I dont mind if dh wants to go out.he did last year and i just sat alone and sobbed.I wanted to be on my own and i want to do that this year too,although i expect i will be on the phone to my sister at some point.I still believe my mum is here and in fact when i was pointing out a new plant i said to my sis in law " my mum bought me that " when in fact she didnt my old neighbour gave it to me. The thought of all the years ahead without her are quite daunting and that too makes me so sad.But on the other hand i know my mum would be cross to think that i havent really moved on at all.I think all my brothers have now accepted it,although i know they are still sad.I cannot accept she isnt here and until i do i think i will just be in limbo.Now i have to try and make some order of all the presents dh and i have recieved.Once all the packaging has been thrown out ,it will be a lot easier.Still havent changed over to my new comp as i keep putting it off !!
Love and peace to you all. xx

t875 Sat 29-Dec-12 15:53:44

I know what you mean mummylin. My mum would be very sad that I wasn't moving on so I try my best to be cheerful like she was. But my god some days are hard.

I do feel my mum I can't explain it. I guess we spoke spiritual things when she was alive so we have a connection but it's not enough a lot of the time as I just want her here. I miss our chats and just her being here.
I find myself talking to her a lot some days and long for an answer.

If it was up to me I'd go to bed new years eve! My girls want to celebrate it so I guess I best. But my god it will be hard :-( x

BiscuitsandBaileys Mon 31-Dec-12 09:39:04

Hi everyone.
T875, thats really nice that you feel your mum around you often.
Hope you are all doing ok today. I'm feeling down today, I don't want to start a new year without my mum, I feel like I'm leaving her behind. And then the middle of January will be the first anniversary of losing her. Also my dads cancer is getting worse and I can't even begin to think what that means. Last night I went to bed and cried, I don't do that often and I think thats why I feel so down. But I'll put on my 'everything's fine' face that I'm sure so many of you are familiar with and carry on like all is good.
Love to you all xxx

ssd Mon 31-Dec-12 12:16:51

hi girls

yes biscuits, I know that face well...we will all be experts in it!! I know what you mean about a new year leaving mum behind, I kind of feel like that but also feel like t875, my mum is here at my house now, so she'll come into the new year with us....just wish I could see her again

hugs to you all xx

slapping on my "honest im fine" face to go to town shopping, dont feel good today at all. Sick of all the moaning fb status from friends about their crap year which wasnt actually that bad. And moaning about their family, id give anything to be with my family this year like many of you probably would too. Its getting v annoying

jammic Mon 31-Dec-12 20:31:23

My dad died last february. I miss him so much. I got thru Xmas ok but new year feels like a whole other ball game. 2013 is a year without dad. I don't want to celebrate it, I'd rather go to sleep...

t875 Mon 31-Dec-12 23:03:17

oh god this is not easy atall, i also have slapped on my "im fine face" but really its difficult and my dad is struggling a lot tonight, i have tried to pick him up but its not worked atall smile

raised a glass to her tonight, i know she is around but i just want to see her and speak to her!!!

plus my brother was meant to see my dad tomorrow and he told him tonight when he got here that he couldnt make it, when only earlier he confirmed it. grrr!

Thinking of you all tonight , what a tough time for all of us {{hugs}} xx

t875 Mon 31-Dec-12 23:04:09

wrong smiley at the beginning was meant to be sad

ssd Mon 31-Dec-12 23:19:29

jammic, keep posting here, we understand only too well....

waiting, I hate fb now, have had to hide most folk I know, cant take all the family stories and boasting

t875, your poor dad, wish I could give him a hug!

lets jut get through new year girls, its all we can do

thinking of you all xxx

ssd Tue 01-Jan-13 00:01:03

happy new year mum, love you xxx

ssd Tue 01-Jan-13 00:14:46

I miss you and dad so much mum, I have an ache deep inside myself I don't think I'll ever fill....I love my kids and dh, I'm lucky to have them, but I don't want to be an orphan when all my friends have a mum and dad, I'm too young to be where I am, I wish you'd had me sooner but I suppose I'm just glad you had me at all. I hope you're having a drink together and welcoming in the bells..wherever you both are, at least I know you're together now.

xx

ds managed to stay up till half twelve, it was nice to have him as a distraction wearing silly string from party poppers as hair and being thrilled at the fireworks. wherever mum is now I hope she knows how much we miss her. no matter how short the time we had her I'd of never wished for anyone else

t875 Tue 01-Jan-13 01:40:10

Bloody hell that wasnt easy was it! sad Im sure they are all having a drink up there with their loved ones.

But that was actually a lot harder than christmas, probably could have been a little better for my kids on the strike of midnight but what can you do when a significant charactor special lady is missing.

Happy new year mum, i take you into 2013 with me/us , you will never be forgotten!!! {{{hugs to you all}}} xx

jammic Tue 01-Jan-13 08:32:21

I fell asleep luckily. It took me ages though. And now we're in 2013. It's dads birthday this month and the anniversary of the last time I saw him. My dad died last year, not this year. It just feels like he's slipping away.

Well done everyone for making it through

mummylin Wed 02-Jan-13 11:54:46

wishing everyone the hopes that somehow we will begin to find some peace within ourselves.Like the rest of you i found new years eve very difficult.I also feel its going into another year.I have now had two xmas's without her,even though its only 14 months since mum died.At 1 am on new years eve we took one of my brothers to heathrow and by the time we got back it was 5am,then of course i was over tired and could not sleep.So thats one of the reasons i didnt want to go anywhere also i wanted to sit and think of my mum at midnight on my own,dh went to the pub which is fine.I sat and spoke to her and believe it or not i sent a text to my mums phone which i have here ! it has been in her handbag since she died and obviously now has no battery .I dont have the charger for it ,but one day i want to go through it and if there are any messages she has sent me still there ,i will send them to myself and treasure them.I also dont like the fact that now i have to say mum died in 2011,it seems so long ago but was only 7 weeks away from xmas.Please let this year be the year i can think of mum without having this awful feeling inside.Missing you terribly mum xxx

ssd Wed 02-Jan-13 14:21:49

all the books I read say time heals, I wonder if it does or if we just get used to things more? when my dad died I was totally heartbroken, but 14 yrs later I can say time did heal...but I had my mum all that time, so didn't feel I'd lost everything...now mum has gone too I cant see how time can heal, I think its just a case of getting used to a new world...

has anyone here lost both parents and found time heals? I guess it depends on your circumstances, I don't have siblings close to me in any way, so feel I've lost my past totally...maybe having some bothers or sisters close by to still share life with would help, I'm a bit like an only child in that my siblings live 100's of miles away and aren't close to me, it was always just me and mum when dad died

mummylin, that's a good idea with the phone....that would be lovely to see your mums old messages.. I threw mums old mobile out when I was clearing out her flat, I had to clear it out quickly and by myself so my mind wasn't thinking straight and there's things I would have kept with hindsight, but at that time i was just in a fog with it all

can't be bothered at all today , finding things really difficult so curled up with ds watching dvds. I posted an aibu about how awful my friends have been in supporting me. I've not seen a single one of my friends since October when mum went into hospital. feel so lonely and let down. glad I have you guys to chat too or I'd go bats

maybeyoushouldrivesantassleigh Wed 02-Jan-13 16:41:27

waiting that's hard, glad we can be here for you a bit (although I know it's not the same as a RL hug)

I've not been on the computer at all for days, so there's loads of messages to read back through. It's been tough going over Christmas and New Year, I'm almost looking forward to getting back into the school run routine, so I can feel I'm moving forward a bit. It's strange to think we lost Mum last year, not this year anymore sad I can't believe how the time has flown by without her here, I feel like it should drag by but I can't believe it will be a year at the end of February shock

Thinking of you all and hoping that 2013 things get a bit easier to deal with x

Galaxymum Wed 02-Jan-13 17:54:38

Hi everyone. I found New Year very difficult. Coming to the end of 2012 was like leaving mum there and I sobbed at the Remembering montages. Christmas was lovely as dd is 6 and I totally focused on hr but after I had awful grief again. I was overwhelmed. I need to sort the temaining things at mum's house so it can go up for sale. I shoved stuff in cupboards in the autumn ss I couldn't deal with her coats and her handbags etc. I feel a bit pressured now asPIL are decorating and asking if they should get rid of stuff.It makes me overly precioud as I'm an only one and it's hard go letgo.

Galaxymum Wed 02-Jan-13 19:55:53

I meant to say before I didn't post in December as I had my mum's inquest and then rushed on to Christmas. But I do hope everyone is ok.

Anyone facing up to an inquest - I actually found it gave me quite a bit of closure. I was lucky as the coroner was very experienced, very personnable and directed everything so I would understand. He made sure I was happy for witnesses to move on and gave me time to ask the questions I needed to ask which was very helpful to giving me closure.

By the end I knew no one was to blame, I heard fully how my mum fell in hospital and learned exactly why the 1st op had failed (and that no one was to blame.)

The booklet sent to me about the inquest after mum died really freaked me out as it was so formal. But actually the process was very much about why and how, and was done very sensitively.

If anyone has to go through the process and has any questions I'd be happy to answer what it was like.

MovingOnNow Wed 02-Jan-13 22:33:36

Hi all, my dad died a month ago today and we had the funeral on 17th, then straight into Christmas. He was in hospital for 3 months with advanced stage dementia and had been ill for 5 years before that. From the moment he was diagnosed I always accepted his illness and I knew he would die. I wanted him to go. He only hit the advanced stage a week before going into hospital and even a week before he died, there was talk of him going into a nursing home. He then suddenly got very sick, got pneumonia and died. I was relieved when he went, the endless trips to the hospital were awful and I know much he would have hated it, if he had properly known. It only really hits me now when I visit my mum. Sounds silly but the gone-ness of him is hard. He had hardly been out for years and was always absent from family parties, though he did manage an hour at my house the Xmas before but that was very rare. But when I visit, the physical absence of him is very strange. I had stopped thinking about what he was like before he was sick, very loud sometimes and the life and soul often. I didn't always get on with him, we would clash sometimes. But now I am remembering that as well as remembering the very quiet soul he became, the grandad my children knew who was actually very different to my dad. It's like two people died really. My youngest child was born only weeks before my dad first got ill. He is still little and has difficulties with speech and communication, the same skills my sad was losing gradually. He would always sit on my dads lap and give him a hug before we left. I think he liked him because he didn't talk much either, there were no expectations on either side. I think this has been one of the most painful things about it, watching my dad and child failing in the same way for very different reasons. But I'm grateful to him for going when he did, he has given me the freedom to concentrate my mind on just my son and I really, desperately needed to be able to do that. One day I think I will be able to look back and take in everything that has happened. It's hard at the moment but I think it will get us to a better place. Sorry for all your losses and well done for making it through Christmas and new year,

mummylin Wed 02-Jan-13 22:53:52

MovingOnNow It sounds like you have had the past 5 years to prepare yourself for what was to come.I am glad you have found peace now that your dad has found his own eternal peace.You sound very together and you have accepted things well.I wish i could do that too ,but i know i never will.Thanks for posting,its good to see a different side of the coin.

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