Support thread for anyone grieving for a parent

(980 Posts)
mummylin Sat 08-Dec-12 19:28:41

I have done as maybe has suggested and started a new thread.My comp dosent cope well with long threads.

mummylin Mon 29-Apr-13 11:27:56

Hello everyone. A good time was had at the footi parade and my dh and brother were on the tele in the news about it. I was standing. Between them but as I'm so short only the top of my head was visible. We had a few calls and texts about it last night. It was really funny. However about midnight I received. Text fro my dd,s ex to say he had been up to his mums flat and could not stop crying. ( remember his mum died end of march ) I felt so sorry for him and sent him back a long long Text, but the thing is that what he is feeling now is what he is going to,put his own dd,s and my daughter through in the not too distant future. He can't see this at all but all the rehab he has been offered he won't take and anything that goes wrong just gives him another reason / excuse to carry on with his drinking. He now has numerous health probs. kidney failure , probs with his liver. Fits. Diabetes type 2 all down to his drinking. He is now too ill to recover as his organs are damaged forever. It's all just such a bloody mess. You would think after losing two brothers and seeing what they went through because of drink it would of put him off but it hasn't. The stupid thing is that if he thinks about dying he gets really scared. It's a long long story and this is not they thread to write Anymore about this situation. I fear there are going to be a few bad times coming up.

vladthedisorganised Mon 29-Apr-13 12:37:04

Hi all, hope you're all OK today.
mummylin that's so sad about your DD's ex. It's scary how addiction takes over and it's really hard to understand, particularly with all the health problems he's suffering.
I had a really crap day on Saturday. DH out, attempting to make a fancy birthday cake for DD, and DD bored (usually she likes making cake, but not this time). After an hour in front of the TV I managed to split the damn thing while trying to get it out of the tin and read DD a book at the same time - and it set off what I'd been holding back for months. DD acted up the whole day which wasn't like her, ate nothing but cake and a fruit shoot, and all I could do was sob. I couldn't even move because I was totally floored by all the grief I felt. DH had no signal on his phone so I couldn't reach him, didn't want to burden Dad, and realised I had failed miserably in absolutely everything; I wasn't being the 'capable' sort who realised life was too short to be miserable, I wasn't being the caring daughter who helped her grieving Dad through a difficult time; I wasn't being a fun parent who helped guide DD towards doing the right things like exercising and eating healthily; I wasn't even much cop as a wife with my desperate "Can you get home" texts to DH (and had failed to find a babysitter who could look after DD while we went out for DH's birthday). All I could manage was to be an absolute mess. I had no acheivement to point to, however minor ("well, DD did watch too much TV today but we had a lovely time at the park and look how sparkling the floor is!"). I can't stop bleeding, have no idea when or if the hospital can be bothered to give me a scan (GP says he's chasing them but can't give me timescales), and the only person who might have a clue about how I'm operating is Mum. And I still don't know where her grave is.
It's sort of better in that I haven't spent the last however-many months like that, but I desperately need to stop being like this as it isn't fair on DD and DH. At least a few people are beginning to acknowledge that a stern "I hope you're looking after your Dad" isn't the full story and that I might be finding this a little difficult too..

mummylin Mon 29-Apr-13 12:58:11

Vlad, it's ok to have. Miserable day ! Things can only be bottled up for so long them something has to give. Don't beat yourself up about it. It's anew day today,and hopefully you are feeling a bit calmer. You have been through a sad time recently so possibly you Are doing the grieving for that situation. I expect that people have been concerned about your dad but in the process you were overlooked. Bad news about the cake but its only a cake and you can put it in a trifle and have that instead ! thanks

t875 Mon 29-Apr-13 14:36:51

Vlad - Hope today is better for you, we all get them days Im sure the birthday will all go smooth.
I have had this we obv are there for our dads but we also need to make sure we are ok ourselves. I'd speak to your hubby and let him know when you are struggling. Good for you for giving the cake a go as i soo wouldnt be able to do that in the early days. Im with mummylin, can you use little round cutters to make little mini cakes with jam inbetween? Hug to you were here for you on them days.

Mummylin - Sad to hear about dd's ex! What a mess, hopefully he can get the help he needs.

We had my brother and his wife and my dad here yesterday all watching the footie, but my god i missed my mum there, its rubbish without her!! But i just have to get on with it, but its just crap without her!!

snowflake - what a lovely idea with the flowers!! I bet you mum will love that!! xx

ssd Mon 29-Apr-13 16:14:17

hi girls

vlad I'm sorry you're feeling so low sad, I really hope you feel better soon, I know you need to help your dad but you sound like you need a shoulder yourself, I hope you can find one.

I've been really low myself, just so very alone and needy. I know that sounds pathetic. Its hard to explain. I feel I've lost my family and my past. My mum and dad are gone and my siblings give me no support of comfort or any kind of shoulder to cry on. I honestly don't think they think about me..and they had no idea how mums death affected me. I cant tell them, it would be embarrassing, mums death has shown me how distant we are. Although why I thought otherwise is a mystery, they never knew how much I did for mum or how it affected me, they never asked or got involved , just left it all to me. But God how I could do with a big brother or sister to talk to just now, one who misses mum like me and understands how painful it is. But they don't, mums death hardly affected them, they'd be amazed to think I was still hurting. But why do I still want to be close to them, when I haven't been for years? Is it because mum and dad are gone and I feel I haven't anyone left? I don' t know, its bugging me and hurting me as well. Dont anyone say talk to them, it wont happen, it'd be like telling a man what giving birth is like. I havent spoke to them for months, they would never phone and say "and how are you ssd"...it doesnt happen. Amazing isnt it, I cared for mum for all these years and anyone with half a brain would know how close we were, but they dont seem to think I'd miss her at all. I just cant fathom it, and instead of just getting over it its eating away at me. I've had more, much more sympathy from you lot here than from my own flesh and blood. The saying bloods thicker than water sure doesnt apply to me!! I need to get over this, but I dont know how to.

sorry for the rant.

ssd Mon 29-Apr-13 16:18:26

when dad died I shared it with mum, but now mum has died I've got no one to share this with.

maybe I'll try phoning cruse again someday.

t875 Mon 29-Apr-13 19:31:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ssd Mon 29-Apr-13 20:42:25

thanks t875

thing is, what could cruse say that'd make a difference? nothing would change. \i feel I need to change my thinking as nothing else will change, and I'm only hurting myself

I need to get a new focus so I dont have time to bother with things like this, really dont know why I bother

mummylin Mon 29-Apr-13 20:54:56

Why don't you tell your family exactly how it has been for you ssd perhaps they are so wrapped up in their own little world they genuinely don't realise what they have been doing. If they don't react , then you haven't lost anything. It's worth a try if it can help to settle your mind a bit. If you don't do anything at all it s going to just continue eating away at you. You deserve better thanks xx

t875 Mon 29-Apr-13 21:40:54

totally agree mummylin thanks ssd you totally deserve better.

with cruse believe me they really could help you, i didn't just get help with the loss of my mum but i also got help/advise and little tasks etc to help me get over the hurt of some people in my life (who you know about) and it really helped me to see they weren't important and me being bothered and hurt and angry about them wasn't going to change their selfish ways, but they will also help you to move forward with your loss.

I guess the way i saw it was go for it as i had nothing to lose or just phone that number and chat to them, the voice on the end of the phone for me was a god send on and off that first 6 months.

I know very silly but ive got an iphone and ive got some games apps, bejeweled blitz, hay day etc, and they have kept me busy also love my loose women, come dine with me, i try and get stuck in doing stuff round the house too even decorating, just taking wallpaper off and we paint, grief is like climbing ivy imo and it crawls all over me and tightens and if i don't shake it off it will pull me down. I love her and she will be with me all the time i believe that. But it kills at times, now is one of them but im trying not to think too much and distract myself where I can but i know it isnt easy!!
HUGS xxxx

mummylin Mon 29-Apr-13 22:07:53

t875 I do hope you have 4 pictures one word on your phone , that will keep you occupied ! grin it drives me crazy
ssd you are being almost crippled by your feelings and you really do need to somehow get it sorted one way or another.if your family are dismissive then you will just have not bother about them and concentrate on your own family. Don't let them do this to you.xx

mummylin Mon 29-Apr-13 22:09:16

We will have to keep our eye on the thread as its getting quite near to the end now, we don't want to run out do we !

likesnowflakesinanocean Mon 29-Apr-13 22:25:53

what happens if we run out, anything cool grin

mummylin Mon 29-Apr-13 22:28:57

I don't know. Maybe we win a prize or somethinggrin but we won't find out because I will start a new one when this one gets a bit more towards the end.

ssd Mon 29-Apr-13 22:36:07

I can't tell them, we aren't close, I've never told them anything, ever. Probably hard to imagine if you speak to your siblings now and then. I've led a totally separate life to them for years. There's loads of unspoken feelings for years on my part. When mum died my db was great, did all the arrangements, I couldn't do a thing. He was upset too and acknowledged my feelings. Since he went home I've spoke to him about 2/3 times tops in over 7 months, me always calling , I last called 31 Dec haven't spoke since. sister long story, way opposite to me. Yet I still dream of having a close, interested family, that shares a bit of my grief, but have to accept no one is like that. I need to let it go.

thanks for listening, wish I could just wipe this away from bothering me, but something like this does fester inside.

t875 Mon 29-Apr-13 23:29:40

mummylin - candy crush is driving me mad, level 33!! lol grin

ssd - So very sad no wonder you are feeling the way you do. Its good for you to get it out though, please rant to us anytime, but please focas on the decent people hun people that are worth you thinking of them xx

snowflake, vlad, manz, thinking of you all on this thread today xx

mummylin Tue 30-Apr-13 00:04:42

I think ou will just have to learn to Accept how they are then ssd but maybe you need to see someone in order for you to move forward. I am very lucky in that I have a close family network. It must be awful to feel you have no-one. But it seems that the people who should care about you are hurting you deeply and with your added grief it's making you feel terrible.maybe there is a Counsellor you can talk to , just so that you can get this sadness out of your system in order to move on. You still have us though if we can help in anyway xx
t875 I am not going to play that !!! It sounds so addictive and in fact some of it sounds hard to play As well from what I've read on heresmile

t875 Tue 30-Apr-13 00:13:26

what level are you mummylin on 4 pics one word? I think im 80 something!!? Love Hayday though!! smile xx

mummylin Tue 30-Apr-13 00:31:33

I am on puzzle 672 and I have no points for clues., my friends dh used them all up when I let him play !!!' I think some people only have a few puzzles but the one I downloaded had loads and I have had two updates as well. Some of them are really hard I find ( maybe I'm just thick )

mummylin Tue 30-Apr-13 00:33:46

What is hayday ? Another hard game is a riddle for everyday. All these puzzles are meant to be good for the brain, I thnkI Im Finding I don't have much of one hahah x

mummylin Tue 30-Apr-13 00:35:00

It's called a year of riddles not what I said In last post

HoveringKestrel Tue 30-Apr-13 00:36:28

I would like to post on this thread.

My Dad has not died, but he did, to me, when I was 13.

He went to prison. I won't say why unless someone reads this and asks why. But I lost him. Just before my SATS. SATS arent a big thing but they are when you're 13.

I would like to say it was a massivve loss. But I can't. I never liked him.

So that is my contribution.

mummylin Tue 30-Apr-13 00:51:14

Hello hoveringkestrel I am sorry that you seem to of had a difficult time from when you were young.if you want people to talk to and lend a listening ear you can do that here. I am sure we will all do our best to make you feel happier if we can

HoveringKestrel Tue 30-Apr-13 01:12:57

No, sorry, I didn't mean it like a ccry for help, and thank you for being so kind for a supportive message like that, but this thread had lost it's direction from reading previous messages. I wanted to bring it back. Thank you mummylin for noticing.

mummylin Tue 30-Apr-13 01:25:30

No you are wrong. This thread has not lost its directive, we are all trying to move on with our lives after suffering A life changing event it is good for us to be now able to discuss other parts of our lives rather than just dwelling on our sadness. We all support each other and have found it a great help.
Seeing as you posted it , I will ask you why your father went to prison but you don't have to answer if you prefer not to. The offer still stands if you want to join us. By the way welcome to mn. I have seen your opening posts.

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