Support thread for anyone grieving for a parent

(980 Posts)
mummylin Sat 08-Dec-12 19:28:41

I have done as maybe has suggested and started a new thread.My comp dosent cope well with long threads.

Sorry you are having to join knitknack my mum passed away just over 3 weeks ago so i suppose we are the same point. I am completly shattered, have had surgery but not major enough to wipe me out this way so i can only assume it is from being so drained so i imagine working full time you must feel it ten times over! hope you can get some rest over the upcoming hols and spend some time looking after you

knitknack Wed 12-Dec-12 22:00:12

Oh waiting I'm so sorry - look after you too!

make sure to take some time over the hols and not burn yourself out you must be very busy with it being end of term. this thread is lovely and everyone really helps each other out, stick around its good to chat.

knitknack Wed 12-Dec-12 22:04:15

I will smile

we not that bad a bunch, we have our good and bad days. My sis has just text to arrange sorting out all of mums things at the weekend. not looking forward to that

t875 Thu 13-Dec-12 10:07:57

Hi Knitknack sorry to hear of your loss, its absolutely horrendous. I still have times on and off now after 8 months, but at the beginning i literally went minute by minute hour by hour. Cry, talk, and be around people that you feel comfortable with. Do what you want. It does get a little easier over time as it has for me. But i still get the days when i miss my mum like mad.

keep a few things close to you of your mums too this helped me but we are all different. Hugs to you x

mummylin Thu 13-Dec-12 11:08:06

knitknack Sorry to see someone else has had to join this thread. It is now 13 months since i lost my mum and it still feels like yesterday.What a sad thing for you to have to cope with so close to Xmastime.Somehow it always seems worse at this time of the year.I suppose because normally its a time for celebration,But a death now seems so much worse. I hope you have some support in RL but we are here if you want to chat.
ssd i am getting seriously concerned about you.You seem to be in a really bad place at the moment.You were very brave to go to the village and up to your mums house ,that is something i will never do,i am never going past mums house again,especially as there are new people in it.I still think it belongs to my mum ,but of course it dosent.I wonder if the new people ever give a thought to the person who lived there before them,when they see some of her plants flower will they think of her ?
waiting hope that robin is now firmly stuck to the tree somehow !
Last night went well and we all had a lovely meal,couldnt help wishing my mum was here cause she would of been with us. x

mummylin Thu 13-Dec-12 11:13:12

I think today i will attempt to make a start on wrapping some things up,i still have lots to buy but at least if i do this it will be something less to do,if you get what i mean.I also have to find the time to make all the mince pies for the rest of the family which somehow has become my job now mum isnt here.May do that at the weekend.My mums were the best ever,spoilt us all with her lovely pastry,mine are not so good as mums but are quite nice.I just hate shop bought ones ,i suppose because we have always had home -made.

t875 Thu 13-Dec-12 11:51:25

ssd - sorry to hear you had some inconsiderate people yesterday at work, what is it with people not thinking of others. God they know what you are going through. Some people. Here if you ever need a chat on PM.

Thinking of everyone today i now have my youngest off with the flu after the eldest just got over it! Hoping im ok now, seems to be going round.

maybeyoushouldrivesantassleigh Thu 13-Dec-12 14:13:29

Thank you for your lovely messages, I was in a bad way yesterday, but after shouting at dh on the phone and having a good cry, we've sorted things out a bit. Time will tell whether I get any more hugs and comfort though hmm

Sorry to hear your sad news KnitKnack but welcome to this thread. I've got so much comfort from all you lovely people here, I hope we can help you a little bit too.

ssd You're having such a tough time, some people are sooo inconsiderate, they genuinely don't think of anyone but themselves. I think having a good cry is good though, it's the pent up emotions which cause problems I believe.

I keep seeing Robins now and they give me a wee cheer up, I hope it is mum fluttering by just keeping an eye on us smile

Dd is being so sweet and keeps making things for Granny's Christmas. It makes me cry but in a good way, she's the only person who talks about Mum every day.

Wish me luck - my MIL is due to arrive any minutesad It's always difficult being around her anyway but now I resent her because she's not Mum. Must keep my lip firmly buttoned!

gymboywalton Thu 13-Dec-12 14:30:33

hope everyone is ok today

heard that a friend's father died last night which seemed really strange -i really feel for her

feel a bit better today anyway

mummylin Thu 13-Dec-12 15:10:40

I have just had a wonderful surprise. My mum was always stocked up with everything and last xmas i bought home a huge bag of wrapping paper,well i have just opened the bag and found all these lovely silver tree ornaments.I am so thrilled and they are all on my tree wether they match or not.They will always be very special to me now.Also found a little boy and girl cherub figure which is for putting little candles in ,but the wing has broken off of one of them ,but dh can stick it for me later.If i had opened the bag last xmas i could of used them then,but wasnt in the right frame of mind to do anything really.It does show that in some small way i have moved on a bit.xx

mummylin Thu 13-Dec-12 15:17:07

glad you are feeling a bit better today gymboy.someone said to me once that " the darkest day is only 24 hrs " At least the first one has now gone for you.
cappucinogirl4 Oh you were far too young to lose your mum and she was too young to die,What a horrible time that must of been for you all.I think we will always be sad,most of all because of what we will of missed.

t875 Thu 13-Dec-12 15:25:19

maybe good luck with the mil, i know the feeling i have that with my brother and my sil, she winds me up normaly its been bloody difficuly more since my mum passed. Glad things are better for you and dh.
mummylin How nice about the tree decorations and candle holders I bet they are very special and will have a very special meaning over chiristmas and beyond.
Had a bad afternoon today, really cried, silly think like she liked bread sauce at the table, oooh its soo bloody hard!! Some days i think i can go through christmas and be ok and days like today i wonder if i can but i have too for the kids. sad
hope everyone is going along best they can today x

mummylin Thu 13-Dec-12 16:31:36

t875 yes you can and will get through it, leading up to xmas lastyear i truly doubted that i would get through the day,but you know what i did, and you can too.i think just thinkin about it makes you fearful but when the day comes it is not as bad as you expect it to be.Of course we will all have our sad moments on that day,but having such a lot to do helps. We will all be ok. we can always poponhere take ourselves to another room to have a few moments to ourselves to remember happier times. xx

t875 Thu 13-Dec-12 16:51:15

Yeah your right Mummylin, i know i can on them strong days, today hasn't been a strong day for me. Feeling better now though, i think im exhausted with both kids ive been back and forth with antibiotics and nurofen/calpol! I think ill change my name to Florence nightingale. smile
Thanks for reminding me I forgot to stop looking forward, i do a lot better going day by day. Hope today is going ok for you!! xx

t875 Thu 13-Dec-12 16:57:43

Some days just hit me so hard, we gotta put the tree up at my dads on Saturday that isnt going to be easy. x

mummylin Thu 13-Dec-12 21:38:03

I am actually still wrapping presents.There are so many in my family !! not all my siblings buy for each other ,but they all buy for me ! My lounge loks like a disaster area at the moment,but dh gone out to the pub for his quiz so i am just going to wrap what i have already bought for him then put everything away.I still have some more to get yet but am going shopping with my dd on saturday and my friend on Monday so should finish it all then .That must be our mantra,"tomorrow is another day,and it might be better than today " x

Defiantly hoping tomorrow is a better day. I have just been doin wrapping I completely lost track so nephew has ended up with lots of presents but never mind he's ace and always makes me smile so its money well spent

ssd Thu 13-Dec-12 23:03:42

today would have been my dads birthday and it was also the day 2 years ago something serious happened with mum and I had to take her to hospital, she was 83 and without going into too much detail I think she'd had enough...that was a week I don't ever want to repeat

mummylin, don't worry about me, you have enough on your plate.......i know part of the reason I'm grieving so bad is that I was like mums main carer, or only, I should say, siblings useless, for 14 years since dad died and the hole she's left is too enormous. She did have care from home helps come in, but the only visitor she had apart from them was me and I sorted everything out for her. She almost became like a child and I was her mum. We have no other family here, so I've had no family around apart from dh and the kids, to fall back on...and the hole shes left I am trying to fill is enormous

anyway I don't want to go on, I know I'll need to find something for me to focus on, dh said it right after she died, he said "you felt like looking after your mum gave you a purpose and you feel you don't have one now"...he was right.

I have been really bad these last 2 days, my colleagues talk about the ballet did me in...I'll need to try to walk away when she starts again...she is ok but extremely self centered, her mum is youngish and fit and she has no idea how I feel, also if you met me you'd never know I was grieving, I smile and joke like everyone else because that expected of you, as if you'll get over your mum dying in a few weeks or something

have read all the messages and haven't replied individually, but am thinking of you all xx

t875 Thu 13-Dec-12 23:43:47

I too have had a bad day today ssd just wanted to let you know thinking of you, there is going to be days where you will have bad days and then not so bad. {{hugs}}

I will reply tomorrow i was still in a pretty sad place tonight. Thinking of everyone xx

mummylin Fri 14-Dec-12 10:52:52

I think thats what we all do ssd just try to cover up and pretend we are ok.Some people if we were to say "well actually,i am still grieving for my mum" etc ,they would not know what to say or would ignore that and change the subject. People can be very thoughtless and that word just about sums them up.If they have not experienced a death of a parent ,they have no idea how awful it is and what a huge hole it has left in our lives.Then and only then will they realise and probably be saying exactly what we all do.Hope you all have a reasonable day today xx

crazykat Fri 14-Dec-12 11:13:38

Thinking of you ssd.

maybe DH can be a bit like that, he doesn't know what it's like as he has his parents. Although I do too for now, mum doesn't have long left and it's heartbreaking. The best thing I've found when DH is being like that is to write down how I feel, it helps just to get it all out.

There must be something about robbins, one of my earliest memories is watching robbins through the window with my mum and nan. I haven't seen one in years but the other day there was one hopping along the path.

It's so hard right now, even though I know every extra day with mum is a blessing I can't help thinking that everything we do will be the last time we get to do it together. Yesterday was DD1s first christmas play and mum came to watch. It was lovely and another memory I'll have but at the same time it was aweful knowing that she'll not see another one.

We've told the two eldest DCs that mum will have to go to the angels to be with nan, I don't think DS1 understood fully but DD1 did. I felt horrible for telling them but the cancer nurse told me it's best to prepare them so it will hopefully be less of a shock when the time comes.

I feel a bit of a fraud posting on here as mum's still here. In some ways I feel like I've already lost her as I know that she doesn't have long left. I'd give anything to have her for longer, she's only 53, she should have years and years left, not just a couple of months.

Thinking of you all and hoping today is a good one xx

couldthisbeit Fri 14-Dec-12 11:25:11

Hi, I hope you don't mind me joining you all. Just need a place to see that I will get through this. My dear mum passed away last Friday, two weeks to the day after being diagnosed with lung and liver cancer. It all happened so fast and I feel like I am in a terrible bubble where nothing is the same, nothing is right. I can't imagine life without her. I have a gorgeous 17 month old son and am 20 weeks pregnant with number two. They and my dp are keeping me putting one foot in front of the other but all I want is my mum.
I am not a big poster but do get comfort from reading your posts. I am truly sorry that you are all going through this too.

gymboywalton Fri 14-Dec-12 13:19:13

couldthisbeit-i am really really sorry that you have had cause to join us on this thread. I know exactly how you feel-when my dad passed i felt almost like alien for weeks. it was like everything was strange and wrong and i wasn't part of the same world.

the only comfort i can offer is that it does get easier-you will never get over it but you will get to a point where you have bad days rather than having good days -does that make sense?

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