Support thread for anyone grieving for a parent

(980 Posts)
mummylin Sat 08-Dec-12 19:28:41

I have done as maybe has suggested and started a new thread.My comp dosent cope well with long threads.

likesnowflakesinanocean Fri 08-Feb-13 20:25:51

I am generally quite amazed at peoples stupidity smile it gives me a laugh now and again but on bad days it makes me angry for the rest of the day. Have been okay today, bought a photo album as at the minute all the photos were loose in the memory box and i was worried about them getting bent and creased. Put the photos in the folder today which meant delving into the memory box, everything smells of charlie red perfume sad it was nice but it didnt half hurt.

t875 Sun 10-Feb-13 23:50:46

Oh we've been doing photos snowflake. Bloody hard going, my mums were so sad to see how one minute she was I. These photos then gone sad but we also had a good laugh at my dodgy 80's hair styles and fashion! My girls actually said "why are you wearing a wig" I said no its an 80's perm! grin
It was bitter sweet with the photos but was good to see them brought back some memories and I've put a few in her shelf for a while so she can look down and see them in our front room.

Hope your all ok and not had a too bad weekend
I'm picked up a bit but still a bit dodgy the waves are definately bigger and more. But I soldier through them! X

mummylin Mon 11-Feb-13 12:44:48

I have a photo album in which I have put all the sympathy cards ,the little cards from mums flowers and also some pressed flowers from her funeral. I too want to keep them nice. I also have albums for my grandparents funerals and my sisters. I am a bit of a hoarder for some things and this is one of them. Today is my friends mums funeral at 2pm.I have messaged him to say I will be thinking of him and yesterday I found out my neighbours mum has died ten days ago. She lived up north and there was bad history between them going back 20yrs.Suffice it to say that when she used to come down south for a holiday she stayed with us ,or my mum. I am already not speaking to him over the fact he ignored my mums death, and now I am annoyed that he didn't even phone to say she had passed away. Me and Dh went up to see her twice in Yorkshire. He has been a bastard of a son. Its a very long story but when she was 73 she came down here to move in with him ,he treated her like dirt and eventually threw her out ,putting all her belongings out on the front lawn. It was awful. My mum helped by finding somewhere she could live but eventually she went back to her roots and they haven't spoken since, even when she has been in my home for a holiday. Its a very long story. He told dh yesterday she died on 31st Jan. Now even more reason not to speak to him as far as im concerned. Poor old soul, may she now rest in peace. Even though he treated her so badly I know she would of been glad to see him, he was the only child she had.

idshagphilspencer Mon 11-Feb-13 19:23:56

Haven't been here for a long time, name changed too. Last week was a bad week, some horrible reminders of my dad in his last years whilst I was in work. It blew me apart , still pushing it all away, all too hard.

Beachcombergirl Mon 11-Feb-13 21:40:10

Hi all
I haven't been here for a while. Looking after an 8 month old tends to take up most of my time. Dad died 2 years ago and mum died suddenly in October. I'm struggling. I have to go back to work soon after my mat leave and I can't bear the thought of it. I can't bear the thought of being away from my baby. She's keeping me going. What's particularly set me off today is we are giving up mum and dads telephone number. Silly little thing I know but it's been our family number since always. I can here them saying it as they answer the phone. It's another layer of losing them and its so painful. I feel sad today. :-(

mummylin Mon 11-Feb-13 22:39:24

Beachcomber i completely understand what you say about the telephone number.Its all so bloody hard isnt it Sometimes the pain is too much to bear isn't it,but I klnow we will all get there in the end.
idshagphilspencer Any clue as to who you were so we know your story ? not that it really makes any difference.Im sorry you are still struggling. How long have you been bereaved.I hope you will post again.

Ps who is phil spencer ???

idshagphilspencer Mon 11-Feb-13 22:45:02

Lost my dad last autumn. Bit partial to bicuits in a previous life ;)
Oh and phil spencer is a sex god mummylin honest smile

mummylin Mon 11-Feb-13 23:20:12

I have it now .I should be in CSI I reckon ! must investigate this sex god.Sorry you are still feeling so down but its not really that long ago now is it.I am 15 months on and still feel it terribly.Not too bad on a daily basis ,im not in tears all day or anything like that,but when I sit and think about it,thats when I get tearful And I want to tell her so many things.Its instinct that everytime something crops up I think " oh ill call mum " then sickenly its back fresh in my mind.I don't think I will ever be the same person now.Nice to see you again ,hope you pop back xx

t875 Tue 12-Feb-13 09:38:54

If it don't rain mummylin. Wow what a time you've had. I bet your mum and her old neighbour are having a matter up there.
idshagphilspencer Is that the bloke from location location?
Sorry you have had a struggle there, the dips definately r bigger for me at the moment. I spoke to my lady at cruse and she said it was acceptance. I wondered why I felt so hard about it all I don't feel I've accepted it Atall. I'm like you mummylin things will just hit me and that's when I miss her loads, but I'm not crying all the time. Although coming up to April is getting hard. I'm back at the ' how the hell can she be gone phase'
ssd how are you doing? Here if you need a chat x

Hope everyones days are going along the best they can for you x

t875 Tue 12-Feb-13 09:44:01

beachcomber it's good to see you here, it's things like numbers that I can imagine are so hard. Sending you a big ol hug. Are you going back to work part time?
phil spencer grin forgot to say good to see you pop back.
Hi to kitten, galaxy, snowflake and anyone I've missed please pop by we're all here to comfort x

BiscuitsandBaileys Tue 12-Feb-13 10:53:39

Hi all. I haven't been on here for a bit, so much to do at the moment.
Tomorrow is my lovely dads funeral sad Yesterday was 13 months since I lost my mum and now I'm planning my dads funeral. It's still so surreal, three weeks since I lost him and it still hasn't sunk in, maybe it will after tomorrow, maybe it won't and I can just carry on in denial and pretend that everything's fine.
A grey day here today but looking at tomorrows weather they give sunny intervals, that would be nice.
xx

ssd Tue 12-Feb-13 11:41:11

hi everyone, I've been lying low for a while, had a few days off and managed to get a bit of time to myself, just to go over things again and again

I dont know what stage I'm at now. I just feel really low and lost, in life in general. I know its to do with not having any parents now and feeling I've lost my siblings and relatives abroad since mum died and they havent been there for me at all. I feel I lost more than mum when she died. And theres nothing and no one to make it up, I dont have an exciting career to fall back on or a multitude of friends, althought I do have friends, I am lucky that way. I dont have the money to afford making big changes in my life, we struggle from month to month, I cant retrain or take a year off to study, my wages are meagre but boy do we need them. Not that I have any energy to study or do anything exciting with my life.

I just feel all around me are friends/ neighbours/work collegues with their mums and dads still around and it makes me feel so empty and alone. I dont know anyone who has lost both parents here. I recently went on a night out with friends and one of the girls was saying "its scary, we're now at the stage
when your mum and dad start to become ill and you need to start facing you will lose them"...I just sat quietly thinking "christ, that stage was 14 years ago for me"

I think I just feel out of kitler with people my age, I feel like me and dh should be about 60 something, both out parents are dead and we've none close family now, I thought that happened when your old! maybe I am old but I'm mid 40's grin oh well

mummylin Tue 12-Feb-13 12:15:17

biscuits I hope everything will go as smoothly as it can tomorrow for you. What a terrible time you have had.
t875 its not my mums neighbour ,its my neighbours mum !! confusing story I know. But she was a very old and fragile lady and im glad she is not suffering anymore,im just so annoyed that my neighbour didn't tell us she had died, I would love to of sent some flowers or something and I am very angry at how he treated her when she was alive. She was staying with us for a week once and we went and told her son that she was here and would he like to come round and say hello, they didn't even bother, she was so upset. They were horrible to her. They wouldn't let her in their house at all. I too am not looking forward to April cause its my mums birthday, my dh has very kindly booked 5 nights away for him and 7 others to go to Barcelona to watch footi,just before mums birthday. That is the place where we spent our last holiday with mum and came back just a few days before she died. I will never go there again.2 of my brothers are going too and it just seems that they have no feelings or upset about revisiting the places we went with our mum.maybe I am too sensitive about things ,I don't know. Its not that I mind dh going its the timing and the place.I do know that my brothers have different feelings to me.

mummylin Tue 12-Feb-13 12:17:43

ssd you have had the double whammy of losing both parents at a relatively young age ,im not surprised you are feeling so alone and lost.i am sure the dark depressing days are not helping any of us.But the spring is a time of regrowth and life and maybe we will all embrace that when it comes along.xx

ssd Tue 12-Feb-13 12:32:29

biscuits, I hope a bit of sun comes out for you tomorrow, will be thinking of you xx

ssd Tue 12-Feb-13 12:34:04

thanks mummylin, you're right, I need some energy back in my old bones, looking after mum for so long and her dying has drained me

xx

ssd Tue 12-Feb-13 12:37:58

have just read that bit about Barcelona sad its amazing how brothers and sister can be so different to us, isnt it...my sister visited here about 2 months after mum died and didnt want to visit where we put her ashes or see any of the things I cleared out and kept from her flat, in fact she was hardly mentioned at all...totally wierd to me, normal to her, I dont think blood is thicker than water, that saying is rubbish, to me anyway

mummylin Tue 12-Feb-13 12:51:41

My sister is down here this week with her twins,she has been here since sunday ,but not a text, phone call ,zilch.I know she will turn up eventually cause she wasnts me to go to our aunts together.[ probably to help with twins ] she does thank me for seeing to both graves ,but I really cant see why she cant say " go and get mum some flowers and I will pay for them" in fact that would apply to all of the rest of the family.Not that I mind but I just think that at least someone in the family would want to take the flowers for a change.Because they loved mum !

ssd Tue 12-Feb-13 13:57:37

I hear you mummylin x

Beachcombergirl Tue 12-Feb-13 20:17:47

T875 I hope to go back part time but I'm waiting to see if work will let me. If they don't I will quit I think as we don't have any family nearby and I couldn't bear her being in childcare 5 days. X

vladthedisorganised Thu 14-Feb-13 00:11:50

Hi everyone, so glad to find this thread. My mum died two weeks ago after four months living with lung cancer; her funeral was on Monday and now everyone has gone home I know I'm on a knife edge. I'm the only child.

Still at the complete, utter exhaustion phase - I spent Mum's last week pretty much on an hour's sleep a night while I did the shifts at the hospice - but the anger at trivial things is creeping in. Not looking forward to going back to work and not feeling particularly ready to, but I don't have a lot of choice really. It doesn't seem right to spend whole days talking about third party contracts and transfers of services between companies when it doesn't actually mean anything in the scheme of things.

I just wish I'd had more time on my own with her while she was still reasonably OK. She was always inundated with random visitors who wore her out, so by the time I got there after work I ended up turning around and going home because I seemed to be the only person who could see when it was getting too much for her. I'm kind of glad I gave her a rest but wish I could have had the time that they had instead!

Feeling like I don't know what I want out of life at the moment... very empty at times, very angry at others and stupidly needy at others still. What I really need is the kind of gossipy, trivial chat Mum and I always used to have to cheer each other up.. but no idea who I could have that with now sad

ssd Thu 14-Feb-13 08:18:26

hi vlad, sorry you've joined in here, but keep posting, it may help you.

beach, I hope work lets you cut down your days and you dont have to quit

sorry for short answers, am a bit short on chat just now, will hopefully come back later when my heads clearer

ssd Thu 14-Feb-13 08:26:20

mummylin, just to go back to what you were saying about flowers, its really pertinent to me. I got mum flowers every other week for the last ten years plus. I always used to think why don't my brother or sister send her some in the post, or anything, a card, chocs, anything, just to cheer her up. They did send something on her birthday, but once a year, sheesh! I used to see mum every week and see her living alone, sitting in her chair, no one else to talk to (and some weeks I wasn't much company), just with the paper to read or the telly to watch and I used to think, why don't they ever end mum some flowers? But they never did, they never thought a mum in her 80's who was housebound and had lost all Independence needed something from her kids living far away who never saw her, something to cheer her up and brighten her day. But they never thought, about that or anything else to do with mum, just left it all to me and carried on with their super lives. I hope to god karma comes back and bites them hard on the arse.

am really really angry about all this and have never told them, they would be amazed to think they'd ever out a foot wrong, my sister esp believes the sun shines out of her arse.

t875 Thu 14-Feb-13 11:39:48

Vlad - so sorry to hear about your loss, i have found this thread to be an absolute godsend and a big support and we are here for you too.
It is very early days and its an absolutely horrendous time, i was a mess,
cry, talk to people you know will listen to you (including us) maybe have some special little bits of your mums close to you, we had a plant in the house for my mum and I also had a shelf, Take each minute, hour, day at a time and go with you how you feel. I believe my mum is still around me but the physical side sometimes pushing that right away, but that faith has helped me, i have also had signs i believe have been from her and a white feather appearing in random places. But I dont preach spiritualism as this is each to their own just saying this has helped me somewhat.. x
There is also CRUSE who have been very good for me and at the begining when the days were very dark for me the direct number to cruse helped a lot.
hugs to you and thinking of you through this very hard time. As time has gone on for me, 10 months i can say it has got a little easier but i still get them big waves of missing my mum madly and the sadness. Were here for you xx

Hi everyone else well floating through my day best i can.
hope your all not having too bad days.
beach good luck with the job situation hope it works out the best for you hun.

Im working out how funny it is how much im like my mum, when we went through old photos the things i would take pics of she done the same, we love our hints and tips, decluttering, crafts, i even find i use her expressions, we are so more our parents than we realize!!

xx

likesnowflakesinanocean Thu 14-Feb-13 13:35:27

Sorry to see we have new people

the coroner has written to say he is recording the cause as natural causes of the type of cancer mum had. so there will be no witnessess called at the inquest or evidence read. Have decided not to go dont want to sit and listen to her talked about like she wasnt our mum or anyone important just for something i already know sad hurts like hell though.

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