Support thread for anyone grieving for a parent

(980 Posts)
mummylin Sat 08-Dec-12 19:28:41

I have done as maybe has suggested and started a new thread.My comp dosent cope well with long threads.

t875 Tue 05-Feb-13 12:17:49

Happy Birthday Mummylin hope your day is going as well as it can be and the next few days, thinking of you {{hugs}} xx

likesnowflakesinanocean Tue 05-Feb-13 13:19:41

happy birthday mummylin hope its going okay and wishing you strength for the next few days.

I am still in the same glum mood today, if she were her she would giving me a swift boot up the backside. things are pretty tough in chez snowflake at the minute. i know you all understand.

how are you all? x

Galaxymum Tue 05-Feb-13 16:47:38

Happy birthday mummylin. My thoughts are with you x

mummylin Tue 05-Feb-13 23:25:21

thankyou very much for all your good wishes.i went to crem to take my sis some daffs and a little pot of crocus,s and thought that the plants on the headstone would still be ok.well I was sad to see that the squirrels hace been eating the heads off so there were only half the flowers left,and that is on both graves.took the same for mums grave and her flowers were the same.So wasn't too happy but had no time to go and get more.Will do it at the weekend.But for myself I have had the most beautiful flowers,money,tickets for a show ,clothes etc and on fri my ds is taking us to a new restaurant where they bring you hot stones or something and you actually cook your own meat !! My lounge looks like a florists shop.i have taken some pics so I will put them on here for you to see.
But had more sad news from one of my male friends today.I sent a text this morning asking how his mum was and if he was coping [ diagnosed with terminal cancer only 3 weeks ago ] and she died yesterday morning.feel so sorry for him and have been in contact on and off all day.I cant believe all the sadness around me at the moment.of course I didn't mention it was my birthday but that was another bit of sadness today.Just tomorrow ,to go ,but I think I will be ok with that.Thanks again everyone xx

ssd Wed 06-Feb-13 18:58:52

oh how sad mummylin, its never ending is it sad

todays nearly over, hope tomorrows better xx

mummylin Wed 06-Feb-13 20:14:46

at the moment its just getting worse,not for me but for my friends around me.But one thing I do knowt that I must show my support for them and will understand how others are feeling. Its just so upsetting for everyone and I feel so sorry for them.x

ssd Wed 06-Feb-13 20:24:22

I can imagine you're a great support to them

t875 Wed 06-Feb-13 23:07:36

oh mummylin, sending you huge hugs, hope tomorrow is better. Such sadness.

glad you got treated special though for your birthday, must be so hard for you at the moment sad Thinking of you, protect yourself too though, there is a lot going on for you right now. So sorry to hear about your friends loss xx

t875 Wed 06-Feb-13 23:09:23

Thinking of everyone on the thread and sending thanks if needed. Were all together and hugs.
hope everyone's days are going along the best they can do xx

t875 Wed 06-Feb-13 23:20:52

Had a sad day today, ive had to not think so much as the sadness is definitely too much at the moment so ive had to distract myself. Some days it isnt too bad, but today has been beyond sad, i got her picture down and put it on the chair where she would have sat and left qvc on while i went up the school but i felt ok after though.

definately jaded days as im leading up to the 1st year sad
x

t875 Thu 07-Feb-13 12:59:43

I'm not doing great the last few days. Little bit tough again. Very raw. The feeling of the end is coming and no more my mum and no more this time last year. Kills me😓 I feel the sadness again and I know she's around but it's very difficult at the moment! But in and out. Ive got to find strength again! I don't know how I'm going to get through this time leading to the day she left me 😔

likesnowflakesinanocean Thu 07-Feb-13 18:41:48

hey t8 sorry your not doin so good. always here if u want chat

mummylin Thu 07-Feb-13 19:00:37

So sorry to see that ssd and T875 are feeling so sda.The first anniversary is always going to be a tough one I think.I know what you mean t875 .When it gets to the end of the first year,it then becomes " over a year ago now " and that seems so far away,even though the grief is still so painful. snowflakes hope you are doing ok.
I am ok today but still stressed trying to get this new comp to do things.I have almost abandoned it except for mumsnet where it is so much quicker.I have returned my old one to its rightful place and will carry on using that for everything bar mumsnet !!! At least I will be able to post on here when the thread gets longer ,unlike before.

likesnowflakesinanocean Thu 07-Feb-13 19:07:24

sorry only read top post, sorry to see lots of others are sad too this week. I havent had a good day someone asked me how mum was this morning so had to explain set the tone for an all round shit day

mummylin Thu 07-Feb-13 19:58:04

Oh how awful for you.makes your guts wrench dosent it when that happens.x

likesnowflakesinanocean Thu 07-Feb-13 20:02:38

sucks doesnt it. even worse when they say what your joking. yeah clearly something I'd joke about

ssd Fri 08-Feb-13 09:41:20

I'm really sorry some of you are feeling really sad again. Its just like being on a beach and being overcome with the big waves isnt it.

t875, I know you're feeling all the horrible build up till Easter, I'm sorry, I havent any great advice, I'd just say let it wash over you, be good to yourself, you've got me thinking of you and many others here too. Its just the better weather coming in, the eggs in the shops, all that reminding you of your last few months with your mum, when you had no idea what was coming.sad. I'm just sorry and here to hold your hand and have a chat anytime. Am thinking of your dad at this time, too. I know I'll be going through what your going through later on this year and I'm not looking forward to it sad

blurryeyegirl Fri 08-Feb-13 13:59:25

Hello, please may I join? I am sorry to all of you walking this awful path. And I admit to being totally selfish and self-absorbed and not reading any of the above posts. I can't. I feel like I am just about holding it together and can't face anyone else's grief right now. I just need to unload my feelings if that is ok? I don't need anyone to reply, just writing it down will be enough.

I should say that I am a fairly pragmatic "coper" and hate showing my emotions, even to people who care.

I lost my dad a few days after his 69th birthday last March. To complications from lung cancer. He had been in hospital since january, was quite bitter about being in hospital (he was not a bitter person). He was however bed bound, and although he wanted to come home, little help was forthcoming to get him home - and i was (i admit) reluctant to bring him home, as mum would have ended up being his carer 24/7 - a job which she would not have coped with, and which I would have ended up committing to. I feel incredibly guilty about this - all he wanted was to come home, and I didnt push for it to happen sad

anyway - I have kind of been okay about his death. Obviously i miss him, but prior to his hospital admission, he was an incredibly active and youthful man - he would have HATED being alive but immobile. It would have totally destroyed his lovely nature.

I have just had a baby - it is my 2nd dc, and the first boy to have been born in our family for many, many years (since dad actually) - i realise that this, coupled with lack of sleep is making me more emotional than ever!

Mum has just gone to the other side of the world to stay with her friend for a month. I took her to the train station today. Mum is a very highly-strung individual, who has always been quite self-centered and mildly toxic. She has recently lost a lot of weight and has been talking about starting to live her life again now dad has gone. Practically I totally understand why she would want to. Life is short. Grab it with both hands, etc etc...

but, today i noticed she had taken off her wedding ring sad and it upset me more than I would ever have expected. I am crying writing this. she has replaced it with another ring which dad bought her, but it's not the same. He's not even been gone a fucking year sad I miss my dad, I want him back, he was the level headed one, the foundation of our family. He never got to see his grandson. He didnt even know i was pregnant.

I think I am so upset because I recognise that I am also losing my mum. She isn;t the lady I remember from my childhood. She is like a "mate" rather than a mum. and the worse thing is, she isn't someone I would choose to be friends with sad I just feel so desperate that this is how my family has turned out. A mum who is acting like a foolish teenager and no dad. I would talk to my sister, we are close, but I know that she is struggling with things more than me - she also has just had a baby smile

I am sorry this is so long and self-obsessed. I just need somewhere to vent, to rant about the fucking injustice of it all, and to wonder why I am missing my dad more now than i was when he died. Thanks if you have read this far.

ILovePonyo Fri 08-Feb-13 15:51:57

Hi all,

God its hard isn't it.

blurry I have read your post, you are definitely not alone and yes it is ridiculously unfair. So sad that your dad never met his grandson, I imagine he would have been extra proud to have him in the family? smile Also sorry to hear about your mum, that sounds really selfish sorry to be blunt but it does. I would be completely pissed off too. Fwiw I have been thinking about my mum today and how she could be more supportive.

mummylin what a lot going on for you, so sad for your friend. Enjoy your night out tonight, that restaurant sounds good, yum!

ssd bloody complicated families eh. Hope you're ok.

t875 sending thanks back, sorry to hear how you're feeling. The first anniversary is going to be so tough, at the moment it reminds of the funeral, I was just waiting and waiting for it wishing I could just get it over and done with so then it would be DONE and not on my mind all the time. It feels like longer than a year sometimes for me, well its not been a year yet but it feels like a long time.

snowflakes oh god to someone asking about your mum. I am hmm at joking, yeah of course really funny... do some people not think before they speak?! Sending you a hug.

Hi anyone else I've missed. I just came on to say that I saw someone I knew who knows about my dad, not a friend but an aquaintence (sp?) and she asked how things were and how I am, I said "pretty shit" she knew what I meant. It was nice to talk to someone who has also been through something similar and didn't try to ignore it, we had a little chat about my dad which was lovely. Then I came home and told dp who said 'oh' and looked all uncomfortable hmm

Can I add something which may sound really selfish and horrible on my part, you can tell me if AIBU. MY parents seperated over 10 years ago, Dad had an affair and left so my mum was understandably gutted and never got over it. However since he died she has been really upset (still understandable) but I dont feel she is being supportive enough of me/my sis. I cant really talk to her about him, she just shuts down. She didnt see him much since they seperated and was very angry/bitter, the person he was over the last 10 years she didn;t really know iyswim?
That sounds awful reading it back and I dont think I've explained it very well, I have to go now but will try and explain a bit more later. Please tell me IABU if I am!

mummylin Fri 08-Feb-13 17:49:39

ILovePonyo No you are not being selfish but maybe your mum is grieving for what they used to have together before it all went terribly wrong.maybe she cant u8nderstand how hurt you are at losing someone who hurt her.I don't know only a couple of wild guesses as to what could be the matter.I am sorry you are not getting the support you need from her,could you sit and tell her how you are feeling ?
blurryeyegirl sorry you too are having to join this thread.Its a terrible time for everyone all round and people grieve in different ways.Sometimes it jumps up and slaps you in the face I would imagine if its not long since you had your baby your emotions will be all over the place to start with without the added loss of your dad.Of course you want your mum,But she is obviously dealing with things in her own way and inside may be very distressed about what has happened.Maybe others will have different views to share with you and you will be able to get some comfort from that.Hope you will continue to come here for support from all of us.We are all walking in your shoes as far as the loss of a loved one is concerned and we all share your heartache x

t875 Fri 08-Feb-13 18:44:43

Iloveponyo Sorry you aren't getting the support, isn't it hard, that has been a common theme on this forum about the family not being there, isn't it all hard enough that we have lost someone so significant in our lives to have to worry about others making things hard for us, my brother has been in and out, i can imagine leading up to the anniversary he will shut off, it hurts but maybe he wont, he has been a little better he wasn't there for me much in the first 6 months.
blurry sorry to hear the loss of your dad how awful he wasnt around for you childs birth so unfair. Same as what I said to iloveponyo sorry to hear you are going through this with your mum, it must hurt you like mad,could you let her know how you are feeling?
ssd Thanks hun and i know you are there for me too, been such a downer, i must say coming out of it a bit now. Hope your week off has been good for you x
snowflake Cant believe that person said 'your joiking' WHAT?!?! honestly some people really dont think. Thanks also for your support, i know i can chat with you guys but its very hard and i seriously would have brought you guys down further! xx
mummylin Thanks, I guess ive been having a lot of things go round my head, see my mum had her massive stroke 7th april and I believe she went then, but she took her last breath the week after so I have two dates kicking around in my mind. sad but I have decided we are doing the 12th will light a candle on the 7th.

Decided will get some rooting powder and replant my rose bush fresh for my mum take a cutting, it will be in its own pot, she will be part of us then, we had that rose bush at our house too.
we have a cup cake and play music for her and light a candle and possibly have something to eat in the day together, we will cook a roast for my dad. I will also buy her a special easter egg to the girls from us, we will also get something special for my dad. We are also doing pan cakes for her next week with lots of sauce as i know she would love it!! xx

blurryeyegirl Fri 08-Feb-13 19:02:21

thank you for your kind words. I will continue to come here for support and will take my time to get to know you and your stories. Sometimes I just need to run away and pretend it never happened, so I might be here sporadically at first. I do wish I was able to grieve "properly" and to speak to mum. I would never do that though, she needs to be able to live her life free from my constraints and my grief, we are all grown-ups, though sometimes I feel like the older one of the family hmm

what o you guys do to commemorate the birthdays of your parents? I have been promising dd (5) that we will make a memory book of her granddad - I've been putting it off because I don't want to just sit and sob whilst she remembers him. But it is important I write down these memories, and print off these photos whilst she still remembers. So we shall do that in half term, close to his birthday. I am unsure whether I want to do anything like sit and remember him on his birthday, or just carry on as usual. Neither seems a good option. I really am crap at emotions and allowing myself to feel.

t875 Fri 08-Feb-13 19:39:26

Hi blurreyeyed We brought her a present, We had fish and chips and a cup cake with a candle in for my mum, we said "happy birthday mum" each of us lit a candle, we let off a balloon the girls wrote a small note at the bottom and so did me my dad and brother. We listened to music she would have liked lots of Daniel o Donnel and west life and shared memories of her. With the children we made her a birthday card with the craft bits and they had all special things on there cards my mum loved.
finally after everyone left me in the evening, kids in bed etc, i put on QVC as we always would and raised a glass to her..well I actually passed her one.

The memory book sounds lovely and very nice tribute for your dd. Did your dad do anything particular with dd? Was there a certain meal he liked with you? My eldest done knitting with my mum so she done that on the day and she said im sure nanny is with me.
xx

t875 Fri 08-Feb-13 19:43:50

sorry my heads everywhere, meant a nice tribute with the memory book for your dd and you to your dad.
Here anytime you need an ear or shoulder.
Hope the day goes ok as it can do, let us know if you feel like chatting about it xx

mummylin Fri 08-Feb-13 20:08:01

going out for dinner now but first I have to cook my own meat on a hot rock or something.first time I have been taken out and had to cook my own.!

Hope you will all have a goodish day tomorrow and have some sort of peace xx

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