Support thread for anyone grieving for a parent

(980 Posts)
mummylin Sat 08-Dec-12 19:28:41

I have done as maybe has suggested and started a new thread.My comp dosent cope well with long threads.

t875 Fri 01-Feb-13 19:26:47

ssd im sure she can see them flowers, good for you getting them and treating yourself, i bet your mum was loving seeing you do that too. Love the idea of the red vase, i bet the flowers look lovely smile

Im glad the bank visit went as good as it could do, was thinking of you xx

mummylin - wow how amazing of your daughter!!! My god thank god she did go today!!!

how fab of your daughter and two lovely poems aswell. feel grim tonight have made some big decision lately and am tryin to pull myself out of how miserable I feel. she would be so pissed off with me if she saw the way I was moping around

Galaxymum Fri 01-Feb-13 19:39:42

Oh these poems are beautiful. Lovely words.

Thank you for your kind words especially t875 offering a pm chat.I do appreciate it. It's so good to find others who understand what I'm feeling. These poems sum it up.

t875 Fri 01-Feb-13 21:42:22

The west life song I'll see you again

Tough song to hear, I cry buckets. But the words are very prominent.

And " you can count on me like 1 2 3 I'll be there.
I also like electric dreams don't know the band but I believe it's from the 80's!
Waiting - sending hugs. We're here if u need a chat. It is a horribly hard time. Stress and anger I found come hand in hand with grief. Was very hard, my marriage rocked big time but I know grief was making me not be able to think.
I don't know how you would feel about this and believe me I don't promote spiritualism
But I got great comfort talking to a psychic and also watching Colin fry and Sally the psychic.
It gave me comfort to know she is ok and around me. But we are all different and I totally respect that. But I have to say I think without that belief my days would be darker I couldn't bear the thought of her not being around anymore or not with her loved ones. Xx

mummylin Fri 01-Feb-13 23:42:42

We had a westlife song at my mums funeral .It was "you raise me up " but we had it by mums fav Daniel O'donnel

Human league - Electric dreams.

We'll always be together
However far it seems
We'll always be together
together in electric dreams smile

Thats a good song, i find a lot of music upsets me lately which is pretty embarrasing if your in the middle of Asda, Think im doing the right things and know she would be proud of me if she knows. Thats a nice thought.
I dont relaly follow anything psychic not really sure if i believe or not

t875 Sat 02-Feb-13 00:17:23

Hi mummylin- Yeah we had raise me up by west life and flying without wings.

I play together in electric dreams often and next to me
And if I could then I would
I'll go where ever you will go
way up high or down low
I'll go where ever you will go

This gives me comfort when I hear this on the radio smile
I guess having a friend who is psychic and hearing her stories over 10 years and how accurate she's been has helped me. But I guess watching Colin fry and Sally definitely helped to confirm more.

Ah I bet she is proud of you waiting
Im sure all of our parents are proud
we are going through tough times.

Take care everyone. Hope your weekend isn't too bad. We're b decorating and then my dads with me Sunday. I'll try to drop in.

Hi to galaxy too and Here anytime, Hope things are a little better there for you and you ssd. Hope your day/ evenin went along ok hun xx

t875 Sat 02-Feb-13 00:20:02

Are proud of us with how well we are going along our days through this tough time -- sorry was meant to finish that but was talking to hubby too.

Altjough I do have my belief it still kills some days to not have her here physically. Xx

ssd Sat 02-Feb-13 14:27:58

I believe too, too many things happened after mum died and it cant all be coincidence. But as time goes on and life drags on, I wonder about it all. I just don't know, I'd love to see a psychic and get something concrete but I'm scared they'll have nothing to tell me which would make me feel a million times worse.

I hope today is kind to you all, I've got a big lump in my throat all the time now, I wish it would go away and I'd stop feeling so sad. Just missing mum (and dad).

Do you know I dread dying now and leaving my kids feeling like this...I'm getting so morbid now. But maybe with me having just boys they'll bounce back quicker, men are a different species aren't they, us women seem to suffer more in all ways. See, morbid again!!! Think I'll go for a walk, shake off this sadness.

likesnowflakesinanocean Sat 02-Feb-13 18:11:42

t875, heads up :P hope you got my pm smile

Im doin okay tonight, busy so havent had time to ponder.

t875 Sat 02-Feb-13 21:25:30

haha, ok, yeah just seen likesnowflakesinaocean glad your doing ok, ill get back.

oh ssd hun, it really is very hard, i really know how your feeling and its a very hard time it probably didn't start getting that little easier for me until the last few months, 6 months hit me, i just had to make sure if i wanted to see people i did and if i didn't i didn't, i didn't answer the phone to my brother if i wasn't in the mood.
can you be paid for having time off work, maybe you need a week off work hun especially being around that person.

Sending a big hug, and a brew and thanks always here for you xx
hope everyone is going along not too bad, mummylin, galaxy, kitten?? how are you going?
im not too bad today, the last few days have been very murky, i had to pick myself up she wouldn't like it..i know she would be kicking me up the arse big time, and plus i was negative and i cant be as i need to look for a job as we need the money.
so we dont the decorating today, walls all prepped and ready for painting, just got to paint the woodwork first, but did i say i HATE DIY! smile

hugs everyone if needed xx

ILovePonyo Mon 04-Feb-13 09:13:55

Hello everyone,

Hope you don't mind me posting. I have been lurking on this thread for a while and recognise some names, just haven't felt up to posting yet. My lovely dad died suddenly in April last year and I am finding things tough (understated)

I was going to start a thread but thought I'd be better posting on here, I feel like I am very much 'burying' my grief and don't think this is healthy. I haven't cried much because I try not to think about him, but then I end up thinking about him most of the time anyway if the makes sense?

My dp and family hardly talk about him, I think my dp doesn't want to upset me and my mum and sis aren't really 'talkers' so I feel like he's gone and that's it, we won't talk about him again. I feel glad I'm working full time because at least that's a distraction.

I booked in with cruse but cancelled because I couldn't face crying especially in front of a stranger (hmm I know) and just feel like I'm not dealing with this vey well - though too look at me you wouldn't have a clue, you'd prob think I was absolutely fine?!

Anyway just thought I'd see if anyone can relate, I feel like I need to do something but don't know what. I am going to try and stay on this thread if that's ok, to try and offer a bit of support to others and get some myself. Thanks for reading excuse long rambling post smile

ssd Mon 04-Feb-13 09:51:34

ILovePonyo , of course you can join here, no problem there. I totally get what your saying. My mum died 5 months ago now and I thought it would get easier, but it isn't at all. But like you I put on a cheery face and you'd never know I was hurting. I think until you've been in our situation you really haven't got a clue as to the enormity of it all. If I was you I'd phone cruse back, I bet they are used to seeing someone in floods of tears.I think the hardest part is the not being able to talk about your loved one who has died, the world moves on very fast and seems to forget them, but its all we think about, like a default setting. I was watching telly last night and you'd have thought I was engrossed in whatever it was that was on. But I was thinking of the last few days of my mum, the phone calls, the visit I didn't make and wish I had, what was happening with the kids, going through it all again, processing it again, remembering bits I'd tried to forget, working out her last few days. I find grief is like that, I'm at work doing my job but mind is on the day I found my mum dead all the events that happened next. But you'd never know it, I smile and joke away like everyone else. I guess its just part of it all, I don't know when things change, over time I think.I think its a bit like having post traumatic stress disorder, my dad had that and he could remember events that happened 60 yrs ago in the war but he couldn't remember stuff that happened the day before. He just kept processing it in his mind as the events were too enormous to forget. Mum dying feels like that, its at the foremost of my mind and the slightest thing draws me back to that week but you'd never know it to see me.

sorry for the ramble, just hoping you know you're not alone.

t875 Mon 04-Feb-13 10:35:53

I loveponyo we are definitely here for you for anyone that unfortunately needs this thread.

I lost my wonderful mum in April and like you with your dad it was very sudden. I still miss her greatly. I know it's different for people but I think me crying and talking about my mum has helped me move on and some what in a tiny way had to accept my mum is no longer with me and I've had to try and fill the darkness with light with doing different things she would love to see me and the children do.

I did talk to cruse though in the phone and was in floods of tears and also I have seen them twice. I couldn't recommend them enough. They were great and the lady calls me from time to time too to see how I am.

Im with ssd Please try cruse again and go with how you feel, I ranted, cried, poured it all out. Thinking of you and here for you anytime.
Come back and tell us about your dad Hun if u can.
It's been nice this thread as I've been able to say so much about my mum as I haven't said as much to my rl friends. Xx

t875 Mon 04-Feb-13 10:37:55

Thinking of you mummylin. Weren't sure if it's your birthday today. If so. Hope it goes the best it can for you x

mummylin Mon 04-Feb-13 11:06:49

No its tomorrow t785 but thankyou anyway for thinking of me.*ILovePonyo * welcome to this thread where we are all trying to come to terms with what has happened.I think I am right in saying that most of us have tried to put a brave face on it,but this leads others to think " oh they are ok now and over it" If only they knew how wrong they are.Some of us have found that even family have not been as supportive as they could be.So this thread has been a godsend to enable us to say how we are really feeling.We can all empathise with each other and it helps such a lot to chat to likeminded people.
Tomorrow will be difficult as I have to go and take flowers for my sister[ and of course that means mum will also get some] and its hard to enjoy the day and then on wed its the anniversary of my grans death so you can see why I don't like 5th and 6th of Feb.I am so glad you are all here x

t875 Mon 04-Feb-13 12:49:48

Oh Mummylin, what a time you have coming up. Bless you!! Try and enjoy your birthday the best you can as this is your day to show the special ness of you and the amazing love and care you show for everyone around you.and im sure all those in spirit would want you to have a nice day, but on the other side of things i cant imagine how hard it will be for you, i definitely can see why you don't like these days. Big hugs for the next few days to you mummylin and remember we are here for you to vent, cry or talk too. x

You are so right too with what you say about friends and family, i think mine think im ok and its like yeah i laugh, i joke, but i still have a lot of sadness there. i met a friend up the coffee shop last week and id had a moment up the shops managed to wipe the tears away before meeting my friend and when she met me she was making me feel like i had to be a game show host!!!

Hope everyone isnt too bad today xx

mummylin Mon 04-Feb-13 13:27:10

I met a lady on sat who had only recently lost her dh.I didn't know before then so I went and had a word with her.She said that everyone thinks she is ok so I said to her " but your not are you " and she burst into tears and gave me a big hug.I really empathised with how sad she is.I feel really sorry for myself sometimes ,but there are so many others going through the same thing albeit at different stages..i thought how selfish I am to continually go on about my loss when so many others are going through it too.The people I feel sorry for the most are the ones who are in the first few days of this process.I can recall exactly how devastating it is.And it feels like you are in a trance like state and that none of it is really true.I still feel like that ,but not all the time.But I do start everyday thinking about her and I bring her into every conversation I have ,no matter who I am talking too.x

likesnowflakesinanocean Mon 04-Feb-13 14:44:26

hope the next few days go okay mummylin, and you enjoy your birthday as much as you possibly can. I had a moment on town today, looking in the charity shops for stuff i can use for the dogs bedding and i just thought how most of the stuff was somebodys much loved possessions ect now on a dusty shelf. made me feel really grim. You will be happy to know i went and bough myself some biscuits to cheer me up grin

likesnowflakesinanocean Mon 04-Feb-13 18:26:17

have been ranting tonight. I've given up on my friends they haven't even been in touch to see how am doing, go out for a coffee anything really. was out walking dog and friend who lived nearby drove past beeped and waved. I feel like a terrible person but I just stood there. I live a 5 minute walk away and she hasn't popped by, sent me a text or a call. I just though why bother waving you clearly couldn't give a toss. felt v bad for being so harsh but its how I feel

ILovePonyo Mon 04-Feb-13 20:49:57

Back again, thanks for being so welcoming. I have been reading th e beginning of this thread and some others on bereavement topic today whilst at work

ssd I might phone cruse back. I can relate to everything you said, I was meant to go out to meet some old workmates tonight but decided not to, I just though sod it, I can't be arsed putting my cheery face on. Think its for the best at the moment.

snowflakes I agree with what ssd said, "until you've been in this position you haven't got a clue as to the enormity of it all" I really don't think my friends understand it. I can't understand you being pissed off, don't feel bad about it. I have one friend whos dad died when she was a teenager, she 'gets' it more than other friends who haven't lost a parent. I remember when people found out at work, the people who were nicest were people who'd experienced the same thing. Thats quite rambly hope it makes sense...

t875 I'm sorry about your mum, sounds similar to my dad. Thanks for asking me to write a bit about him, I will do one day soon. I think speaking to cruse over the phone sounds good, the lady you spoke to sounds lovely smile

mummylin good luck over the next few days, I'm sure you'll be glad when its all over. I think its lovely you said that to the woman whos dh died, she must have felt relieved in a way. I have started trying to bring my dad into convos more too.

Thanks for replying everyone, sorry I couldn't write more but I will try and keep up with thread.
My dd is 2 in a couple of weeks and I have the present my dad bought her to give her, he must have bought it at the same time as her 1st bday present. It guts me that she won't know him, he loved her so much and was always taking photos of her when he came to visit, we do have lots of photos of them together (thanks to dad!)which is nice.
Our family situation was a bit complicated, maybe I'll bore you all with it one day, but that makes things difficult too. Anyway sending out thanks thanks thanks to you all, night ladies.

ILovePonyo Mon 04-Feb-13 20:52:53

t875 by similar to my dad, I meant that the month and passing away suddenly was similar, hope that didn't sound flippant.

mummylin Mon 04-Feb-13 22:38:23

I have just been through my drawers to find a birthday card that I have had previously from my mum.I found one ,I think its the same one as I used last year,but I don't care,i am just happy to put a card up which says to a special daughter and inside " from mum ,love always " I will always do this and the same at xmas time too.makes me feel a bit better. Already had some lovely flowers from one of my friends as she is busy tomorrow.By my mums photo now of course ! hugs to you all.It can all only get better one day.

t875 Mon 04-Feb-13 23:16:10

ohh mummylin and huge hugs from this end to you too!! And these thanks for you, glad you found the card from your mum, maybe you mum made it for you to find it from her hun. Take care and if I cant get on here tomorrow, happy birthday, hope your day goes as good as it can for you, you really deserve it, you are a special person. x
snowflakes I was so annoyed and sad to read your friend just beeping and the people around you treating you like your all fine, its unbelievable how people have been, i will NEVER be there for a lot of people i know, people i have been there massively for It will never be the same again for some people, I will never be there for them. {{hugs}} to you!!
ilovepony I didn't find it flippant atall, no problems what so ever, we will be there for each other along with everyone else on this thread will no doubt give us support come April hun, Im finding it hard to even think about easter right now, cant believe good Friday I was talking to her about Easter eggs then the next morning, my mum had gone. sad
kills doesn't it. Glad to read your thinking of CRUSE let us know how you get on, good luck!! And yes when you feel ready we are here to listen when you want to talk about your dad. Thinking of you and hugs x

ssd Tue 05-Feb-13 10:17:20

happy birthday mummylin, we've all got you to thank for starting this thread for us, so flowers for you to sit beside your mums card. I hope today and tomorrow passes as well as they can.....

snow, I'm the same as t875, I'm pissed off at certain people and will never be there for them again, people I've really helped in the past..never again!!

ponyo, yes to the complicated family situation, sounds familiar. Ours looks normal on paper, but I know with my mum gone there's no family there for me now, well except ,my cousin who has been great, the one here defo not the one in the US who has let me down BIG TIME!! REALLY BIG TIME, I'll never be there for her again. And keep posting, just when you feel like it. I think most of us are here as we've found family/friends have let us down big time and theres no one there to really spill your heart to when you need to, so being able to come on here and cry/rant/vent whatever saves our other halves getting it too much (and sometimes they are the ones we are ranting about!!!)

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