Support thread for anyone grieving for a parent

(980 Posts)
mummylin Sat 08-Dec-12 19:28:41

I have done as maybe has suggested and started a new thread.My comp dosent cope well with long threads.

Just been stopped on the town and asked how mum is. It kills me when people do that. I try to be nice because their only asking but it hurts so much having to talk about it again and explain what happened.
I am doing okay but piling all my energy into the house. Never been so tidy!. It is due to snow here tonight and tomorrow i am seriously hoping the children get the day off but i highly doubt thatll happen. I am about to try and attempt chocolate crunch like we had in school dinners. Mum was helping me find the perfect recipe so i suppose its up to me now!

mummylin Thu 17-Jan-13 15:53:15

I love snow but we hardly ever get any .but I want to go and meet my brother from heathrow tomorrow so hope there are no flight disruptions !!! but I also want to wear my snow boots I had for xmas in 2010 and have not had any snow since then !!!

mummylin Fri 18-Jan-13 12:58:40

My brother is stranded in Madrid.His flight from there has been cancelled after he has already endured two flights from Columbia.I am sure he will be fed up.

t875 Fri 18-Jan-13 16:59:54

Oh blimey Mummylin thats not good, i remember when my brother was stranded in spain, when is his flight going to be?

We have had a flurrying here but nothing special, although im sure in the morning could be a different story, we shall see.

I still buy things for my mum, if I see it and think oh mum will like that i get it for the girls or myself or it will go on her shelf.
having a downer to day and missing my mum loads, I go along a fair while now but then it hits on me like a weight and i really miss talking to her and sharing whats been happening, hubby annoyed me and i know i cant tell my dad as he will make me worse as he gets annoyed with hubby, but my mum would have been like ooh your sort it, and breeze through and it was just great to have her advise, and I miss that at the moment.

Think I might write my diary again to my mum.
Hope things are better with hubby mummylin

Hi to everyone on the thread, hope your days are going along as good as they can do xx

yesterday was a disaster from start to finish the school couldnt get organised on if they were closing so we ended up back and too and were all back home by eleven. kids were excited for the snow but behavior was shocking by teatime so they went to bed early unfortunately the arguing seems to have continued this morning, they could argue in an empty roomgrin wish I could get up to cemetery but its so snowy and there Is no footpath so hope it melts soon

ssd Sat 19-Jan-13 09:26:53

hi girls

y'day was a real down day for me too, I thought I was doing well but y'day I really struggled and it has shook me up. I just wanted to go to my hometown and visit mum, and have a cup of tea and take her a run, same as I've done on a Friday for years and years. The fact I cant now just floors me. I'm ok if I keep busy, but sometimes you haven't anything to keep busy with and the overwhelming longing just hits you like a weight, as t875 says, you said it spot on. I phoned a friends mum and spoke to her yesterday, she still lives in my hometown and I was desperate for her to say "come over for a cup of tea" but she was going shopping and I felt a bit daft, I haven't visited her for years and I didn't want to say can I come and visit you as I want to go to (hometown) as I'm missing mum. Just felt a bit daft and very desperate. I thought I'd just drive over myself but on the way I got a really sore head and I just didn't go. I don't think it would have helped, driving around there myself with no one to visit is just too sad. Its just the place is so familiar, I've been going there 40 odd years and now don't and I'm missing going so much, but of course what I'm missing is visiting mum <sigh>..and there's nothing there to do if I'm not visiting her, its just a small place

its just all so hard isn't it

mummylin, I hope your db gets here safely soon and you get on better with dh!! my dh has been quite nice recently, I've been having really sore heads lately and he's been ok to me, thank god!!

t875, I get what you're saying...I'm not getting any relief from anything just now, nothing is bringing me any comfort, just feel really low, I hope buying things for your mums shelf helps, I have a shelf now too but I haven't bought anything for it, I wanted to buy myself some M&S flowers y'day but just couldn't...maybe I'll buy things again but just not yet

waiting, the kids fighting really doesn't help does it!! can I ask, do you feel closer to your mum when you visit the cemetery? I need to find a way to feel a bit closer to my mum again

hope things improve for us all girls xxx

a little, sorry of that's not what you want to hear. if its quiet there and I can just sit on the bench nearby but I usually go with others. I think in summer when the bulbs are out and I can sit on the bench with my music on I will feel more at peace with being there. right now its raw but yes being there must help as I do feel calmer when I come away.

mummylin Sat 19-Jan-13 13:41:15

I too feel happier when I go to take new flowers for my mum,i usually have a little word with her [ I hope she hears me ] and I usually think how happy mum would be to know that she has flowers and a visitor.
yesterday was a nightmare.My brother had two planes cancelled but was finally put on another one which was to leave Madrid about 4 pm.when we knew he was actually on board ,my other brother and I left here to travel to heathrow arriving there about 6 pm.His plane landed at 6.35.We just happened to be talking to a lady who said her son had landed at three but was still on the plane as there were not enough gates for all the planes on the runway.then got a text from brother to say they had to wait on plane for 40 mins ,this passed and the next text said another hour and half to wait on the plane.No info was coming from the airport. Eventually my brother came through about 10pm and I finally got home at 12.50 Am !! my poor brother was shattered,he had already had two flights ,one of which was ten hours ,then another ten hours wait in Madrid,then all the hassle at heathrow.All the trouble he had to get on a plane ,then they wouldn't let anyone off.It was chaos,so many people arriving and not having their connecting flights ,the q for them to book into a hotel was enormous and lots of people had ten pound food vouchers !!Then to cap it all off when we got to the car park my other brother had lost the damn parking ticket ! it was a nightmare all round.For the people with children it was horrendous.dh now gone to do the food shop as he knows I am worn out from yesterday !

ssd Sun 20-Jan-13 18:23:11

my mum was cremated and we scattered her ashes where we scattered dads ashes 14 years previous. i also used to take my mum there for a drive out on sundays, and visited there all during growing up but I dont feel going there now brings me comfort...maybe its just still too raw, hopefully one day it will.

am working tomorrow with the woman who loves to tell me what she's been doing this week with her mum and how her MIL is....great

have felt pretty low this weekend, worse than I've felt for a while, I read somewhere that grief and loss can be worse 6-8 months after a death, think this is how I'm feeling, like its really real and sunk in now and I cant feel any comfort from mum or dad now, although mum died 4 and a half months ago, just feels like a whole other lifetime

ssd Sun 20-Jan-13 18:31:15

also the lack of empathy shown from some people is just astonishing isnt it

I have a relative who I thought I was very close to, she lives abroad and hasnt asked me how I am for months...send cheery xmas cards like everythings great, messages on fb " hope you are having a good day" 3 weeks after mum died...sorry???...messaged me yesterday after I contacted her first saying " xmas must have been hard for you", yeah and where were you, xmas was 4 weeks ago??? I know one thing, when its her time and her mum and dad die I wont be giving her a shoulder, I'll send a card and then ignore her, just like shes done to me....and I know people dont know what its like if they have never experienced it but a 48 yr old woman must have a tiny inkling you'd be hurting after losing the last of your parents, its not rocket science is it.

mummylin Mon 21-Jan-13 13:10:04

I agree with you ssd others have no idea how bloody painful and gut wrenching it is unless they have actually gone through it.My poor friend is interring her brothers ashes today,if you remember he died suddenly in November.She was getting a bit worried that the bad weather would delay this ,but hopefully it will be able to of taken place this morning.I still get this awful horrible feeling inside when I return to the morning she died.I still like most of you I suspect keep going back to that terrible time.I still go over questions I don't know the answers to and probably never will.|My poor mum ,not an inkling what was going to happen in a few hours time when I left her on the sat evening.She was looking forward to watching downton abbey the next night and was worried because they had not given her a breakfast menu !! I will never ever get over her loss and at the moment I still cannot accept her death and her not being here.But I also know she would not want us to be sad, but I cant stop these feelings.

HoneyKate Mon 21-Jan-13 14:21:33

Hope all of you on this thread are doing ok.

Had a horrendous weekend, too many dark thoughts about life (or lack of it) after death, sleeplessness and then bad dreams when I did manage to finally drop off. The rest of my family seem to be completely back to normal and act as if nothing has happened. It's a month today since mum's funeral and six weeks since she died. And yet, when the phone rings, I still find myself thinking for a split second, oh maybe that's mum.....I feel such a desperate need to talk to her.

My family think it's odd I still cry, it's like an un-said "here she goes again" look they exchange. But then I'm crying at polar bear cubs on the telly, so perhaps they're right.

I can't even begin to talk about how upsetting it has been sorting through her things, seeing other family members just throwing stuff around like her life never meant anything. All of her things are gone now, I have no idea who has what although a lot was disposed of before I had the chance to see. When I asked for a couple of things in particular I was told they had already been collected by a charity. Beyond awful.

And don't even get me started on how many "friends" I haven't heard from other than a condolence card six weeks ago although my DH says they are probably keeping their distance and waiting for me to indicate that I am "ready" to start socialising again. Is that how friends react? I have always followed up condolence cards with regular phone calls and emails and certainly wouldn't leave it this long before suggesting meeting for coffee or something.....

honey It seems to be the done thing to just say your condolences and then leave us be, I think its just a really lazy and selfish way to behave so i havent bothered to get in touch with the friends who have done that. I have not seen a single one of my friends since late october, but if thats how they want to behave just because they are too scared to speak to me then im not going to get in touch. Christmas and new year have been hard enough and doing it with no support from people i thought were friends has really hurt me. Maybe you can be the bigger person and try to make contact. Everyone has gone back to what they do but i dont really have anything to go back to. I would like to go back to work but financially we would be even worse off that we are now so that wont be happening for the time being but it is so boring without my mum, i was always there every day, i miss her so much

ssd Mon 21-Jan-13 17:45:00

honey, I'm sorry but what you wrote is exactly what I'm feeling, and mummylin's post, I am nodding in agreement with you both

and waiting, I'm sorry your friends have been so awful, I must admit I've sort of bombarded my friends with texts and calls since mum died, I feel apart from dh and the kids I have absolutely no one now and I've been contacting people I haven't spoke to in ages, just for an ear to bend to take my mind off my situation....but certain folk that I feel I shouldnt need to contact, like my siblings and relative abroad, I've been waiting for them to contact me and its never came

I feel on top of the hurt I feel losing my mum I'm really hurting for the lack of thought shown to me by people I thought cared for me the same way I cared for them (note the use of the past tense, not anymore)

jaffacake2 Mon 21-Jan-13 17:54:46

Hi can I just join the thread.
My dear old mum died in hospital last sunday. She had been having a series of falls in december and then eventually was admitted new years eve.Deteriorated and died in her sleep.
Afew hours after her death I had taken my eyes off what I was eating and had an anaphylactic reaction to a cake which someone had bought us which must have had traces of nuts in it.So i ended up in resus where my mum was still in the mortuary.My daughters thought they were about to lose their mum and nana in same day.
Have just been to the drs to be signed off work this week,cant cope emotionally or physically.
Funeral has been delayed for 7 weeks as my brother and wife have taken themselves off to NZ for a long holiday and wont let me have the funeral till they get back.
Feel grim.

Sorry you are having to join us jaffa but hope you get some support from being here. It sounds like you have had an awful few weeks, be kind to yourself and take things as you can. Sorry about having to wait so long for the funeral that is very hard. thinking of you

ssd Mon 21-Jan-13 20:01:11

oh jaffa, am so very sorry, how awful for you to deal with. please keep posting here, we'll support you.x

jaffacake2 Mon 21-Jan-13 21:03:36

ssd thank you
I wondered what other people think of my brother delaying the funeral for 7 weeks whilst hes on holiday ?
I am upset about it but have arranged with our vicar to have a short blessing for her at the weekend so that her soul can be released and that we can try and say goodbye. Im not a greatly religious person but feel that there should be a religious element at the time near death. guess thats what funerals are for,but not usually at such a time lapse.

ssd Tue 22-Jan-13 08:58:34

jaffa, I think its absolute shite but it doesnt surprise me, sadly. When my mum died my sister was going on holiday with my neice and they asked for the funeral to be a week later to fit in with their flights, even though it cost nothing to change them. My sister flew here for the funeral and flew back to her holiday home she owns straight away. I cleared mums house alone and found it totally awful to do, my sister said she'd help when her holiday was finished, I told her not to bother, the council needed the keys back before then.

I'm sorry to say its true weddings and funerals seem to bring out the worst and the best in folk. My brother came to help straight away, my sister suited herself and stayed one day.

Your brother is being totally selfish and not thinking at all of how a 7 week wait is hurting you, he's just thinkin of what he feels. Sadly as I know its not unusual. I'm sorry. and apart from anything else, how the hell can they have their holiday knowing their mum is waiting to be buried? To me its inhuman, to them its just what suits them. Is you dad still alive, what does he think?

xx

jaffacake2 Tue 22-Jan-13 09:09:13

No my dad died 2005 shortly after my younger brother died from brain cancer in 2004. so I am on my own with this.My daughters are amazing aged 20 and 29yr and my brothers widow is supportive.She is coming with my nephews to our blessing on saturday so am hoping that will help us all.
I am going to the undertakers later to make some decisions about coffin etc.
It is good to hear other peoples opinions because it was presented to me how selfish I was being and not considering the expense of their holiday !

BiscuitsandBaileys Tue 22-Jan-13 09:57:24

Don't even know how to put this into words.
On Saturday, one year and eight days after my lovely mum died, my darling dad passed away. He was so brave, but the bastard cancer took over. I was with him, for which I'll always be grateful for. It's weird though, I have barely cried since Saturday, I feel so, so sad for him, so why no tears?
Miss you always mum and dad, you were the best xxxxxxxx

jaffacake2 Tue 22-Jan-13 10:09:27

Biscuit,I am so sorry for you. Tears will come when they are ready.Sadly when my brother was dying from cancer I grieved for him before his death. Then when he died I didnt cry until the funeral. Somehow you go into shock after death,like a shutdown.All body reactions seem to be paralysed whilst your mind tries to deal with the enormity that you have lost a person who was such a presence in your life.
Be kind to yourself at this time.

BiscuitsandBaileys Tue 22-Jan-13 10:53:41

jaffacake2, thank you for your kind words. I too am sorry for your loss.
I think I just have my practical head on, his death has been referred to the coroners office so I've had lots of phone calls from them, doctors etc. It just feels wrong to be doing ok as he was so loved and a huge part of my life.

mummylin Tue 22-Jan-13 12:46:29

Oh biscuit I am so sorry that you have yet more grief to deal with when still dealing with the loss of your mum.What a terrible time for you yet again.you know it goes without saying that we are all here for you.
Jaffa sorry too that you have had to join this thread,but we will be as supportive as we can to .I think its terrible that you are expected to wait all those weeks until you can lay your mum to rest.I had a friend who flew to South Africa the day before her own mums funeral.I could never ever of done that and I think its incredibly bloody selfish. holidays can be taken at any time and in my mind its very very disrespectful and very hurtful for you.

jaffacake2 Tue 22-Jan-13 13:18:37

can I just ask something ?
The funeral director is coming to my home later to discuss the arrangements my brother has made for my mums funeral at end of feb due to him going on extended holiday to NZ for 7 weeks just after mums death.
Do you think it would be ok to change anything he wanted ?
I am not into expensive coffin extra cars etc. My mum was a lovely down to earth lady,part of the Salvation army when she was younger.We discussed the songs she wanted at the service before she died and donations in lieu of flowers to Salvation army.
Dont know what my brother has arranged.But I have had enough of giving in to his demands.
Would the funeral director push for what my brother wanted ?
Getting myself upset and angry about it all

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