Support thread for anyone grieving for a parent

(980 Posts)
mummylin Sat 08-Dec-12 19:28:41

I have done as maybe has suggested and started a new thread.My comp dosent cope well with long threads.

mummylin Sat 08-Dec-12 20:16:07

To my Mum Mum i am now facing the second Xmas without you.You are constantly in my thoughts.Who knew that when i said to you " bye mum i will see you tomorrow" that tomorrow would never come for you.My life was shattered and i feel it will never be the same.You were such an important person to me and i miss our daily chat and cuppa so much.I miss your cakes you used to make us, and as yet i cannot find the recipe you used.But knowing how you kept everything ,i know it will be somewhere amongst your things { of which i have a lot of } Mum i hope you didnt suffer at all ,this is what haunts me, even now.I know it was quick and unexpected,but this made it worse for us all. I have tried to be strong and have failed miserably at times,even though you left us a letter which you hoped would comfort us all.Thankyou Mum for being so loving and for making me the person i am today.I will love and miss you always.We will meet again,from your loving daughter xxxxx R.I.P xx

t875 Sun 09-Dec-12 14:50:00

found you all. smile

ssd I do know what you mean and it is very unfair it is very hard to think like it and like you i tell myself off but you just cant help how you feel ssd, it makes us bitter and angry and these are all very normal feelings.
((big hugs))

Mummylin - what you wrote to your mum was lovely, im sure she saw it and thought the same. I will do the same.

I am very behind on this thread so i apologise if i havent been able to be here as much as i would like have been. Sending love and support to all those that are going through hard times, my thoughts are with you all.

It was hard here for me, we got the tree out and the decs, cried when i saw all the special bits that reminded me of her but got through it, couldnt put the christmas music on but the tree looks nice and the girls helped! We done special things in relation to the christmas tree and decorations. I want to get a special tree decoration for our tree and for my dads..yes he is putting up the tree we are helping him, it wont be easy but he wants to do it for her.
im sure she was around us watching and smiling. Gotta trudge on eh xx

t875 Sun 09-Dec-12 14:54:22

cruse mentioned to me to about doing a page of all my mums favorite things, so i went on google and i have done a page. I have cupcakes, cats, {she loved them} kleeneze believe of not, loved a bargain, hehe essentials and prima we loved our magazines, i used to pass them onto her and when i read it now I read off whats inside and say "what do you think of that mum" I have a robin on there as i have seen a robin a lot in the garden over the time of her passing and on and off through the summer. Roast dinner she loved it oh and fish and chips! Theres perfume as she always smelt lovely, and there is pictures of accessories as she loved bangles, necklaces etc. crafts, knitting, Its nice to see it all on a piece of paper, im going to laminate it and again im sure she loved me doing it. and i had written on it said Mum always and forever with me xxx

fantasticfanjo Sun 09-Dec-12 16:49:08

Mum.

As I attempt to create happy Christmas Memories for my own DC's the realisation that I'm nobody's child any more brings overwhelming feelings of grief.

This is our first Christmas with out you,and as I put my own tree up I remember your Mismatched tree adorned with decade old decorations that we'd made at Infant school,that you still insisted (despite protests) on keeping year after year. Oh how I'll miss the "recycled" wrapping paper that you used to insist on reusing,as children we were never allowed to rip open presents because the paper would be re used and as adults I'd laugh at the thought of how my lovely coordinated wrapping and posh bows would find there way back to me the next year.

You were a feisty,opinionated and determined woman,who despite recovering from bastard breast cancer still lived life to the full,even into your 70's you buggered off to Peru for 2 months , I "dined out" on your internet dating exploits and almost had to make an appointment to see you !!

Just before last Christmas we discovered that the bastard cancer had spread,but you still cooked well hell of a dinner and insisted that we all played silly games.

Right up until the end you made sure that life was worth living and still saw the positives,you even said that lying in your hospice bed ,looking out of the window made you realise how beautiful the clouds were.

Oh how I miss you.

Love you x

mummylin Mon 10-Dec-12 10:49:09

fantasticfanjo I easily understand your trepidation at having your first xmas without your dear Mum.That for me was last year and mum had been gone 7 weeks.I was terrified of how i would feel and react ,but in fact others made it possible to still have a cChristmas day without spending it in floods of tears.The worst time for me was new years eve when my normal practice was to phone my mum at midnight ,then she would go to bed.I could not face going out and spent the evening in tears.I wanted to be on my own and i was as dh went alone to a family party.I hope that you too will be able to have a least some semblence of a happy day,of course you will be thinking of your mum ,as will i and i expect everyone else from the first thread,but you will get the strength from somewhere to get through the day.
t785 Its strange that you mention the robins as on my mums headstone we had a little robin etched onto it.I have bought two little xmas tres to take to the cemetery for my mum and my sister ,but i have also bought some little robins to place there ! I have made a start at home and the tree etc is now up.This morning the sun is shining through my conservatory,into my lounge directly on to my mums photo and it looks beautiful.
ssd i hope you find your way to this thread. i do understand how sad you are now that your mum isnt here to buy you little treats ,my mum used to do the same.I have had some odd things from her in the past,but its things that mum thought would be useful to me.She once bought me a fly swat back from her holidays, and one of my brothers had one too.We laughed at the time ,but do you know what id give anything for her to be here to buy me another one ! Just take one day at a time ssd ,you and all of us will eventually be able to speak about our loved ones without feeling the terrible grief.Thinking of you all xx

Hi everyone, so sorry for all our losses!!

I am coming up to my third christmas without my mum. I remember last christmas for some reason was worse than the first one without her....I had to keep going off into the bathroom for a sob!

Thinking of you all xx

Beachcombergirl Mon 10-Dec-12 11:44:24

I am facing my first christmas without mum but also my first christmas as a mum. I lost mum about 8 weeks ago so suddenly. No warning, she just died in my car. Just me and dd were there. It was so frightening and I keep replaying it over and over again. I also lost dad 2 years ago. I am so sad. In tears as I write this. I miss them both so much it's a physical pain. I just want my mum and dad x

Beachcombergirl, how awful, I`m so sorry, much much love to you xxx One day at a time, it is a physical pain, I remember to well, it will get easier. This Christmas do as little as you like, cuddle that baby and let others take the flax, put yourself first, have you got support surrounding you?

crazykat Mon 10-Dec-12 13:42:10

beachcombergirl i'm so sorry for your loss, i know there are no words which will make you feel better but my thoughts are with you.

I cried my eyes out yesterday when mum gave us our christmas cards, it just suddenly hit me that this will be the last one I ever get from her. It seems like every day something happens that will be the last I experience with her.

Last christmas was the first without my nan who was more of a second mum to me. She died suddenly 8weeks before christmas and I kept wishing we'd had some warning as her doctor sent her to a&e to be checked out and she died later that night. But I can honestly say that this is much worse, I know I'll be able to say everything I want to say to my mum but it just feels like I'm in limbo waiting for her to die.

I'm hoping that our church will agree to baptise DS2 after christmas as they usually only baptise four children on the first sunday of each month. We were going to wait until it's a bit warmer and have a party after like we did for our other DCs but that doesn't matter now, I just want mum to see him baptised so I'm really hoping the vicar will be able to help.

Big hugs to all of you x

ssd Mon 10-Dec-12 16:39:01

mummylin, thanks for your kind messages to me, the support on this thread is totally life affirming,, thank you all xx

beachcombergirl, I'm just so very sorry, I really am.Hugs to you and your baby x

fantasticfanjo (thats some name grin), you saying "As I attempt to create happy Christmas Memories for my own DC's the realisation that I'm nobody's child any more brings overwhelming feelings of grief." completely sums it up for me

Betty, hi again, have pm'd you back x

I remember reading here someone, sorry but cant remember who, said they thought the Victorians had the right idea wearing all black during a period of mourning, I feel that's something that was a good idea, so many people who see you at work or out and about forget that inside you just feel like sobbing and they give you no consideration, as if you're all over things and back to normal, its cruel how the world works sometimes

hugs again to us all here xx

Ah here you all are,thought i had been deserted.

Today has gone quickly i have been making things for the dc and families stockings, ds came home from school then was promptly sick everywhere so i guess he will be home tomorrow. I have to go back to emergency dentist tomorrow as the swelling from my surgery hasnt gone down so need to see whats what. I am totally petrified of the dentist to the point of being sick and dizzy. would usually take my mum, its hitting me hard while im scared that shes no longer here to help me through.
I miss her so very much, more than i thought was possible. Im trying to see that she was in so much pain, and didnt like her life the way it was since the cancer. but she was 45. i should have had so many more years with her and ds should still have his wonderful nanna who doted on him.

I too am finding it so hard that everyone is going back to normal and i feel lost. i spent every day at mums whilst she was ill so now i feel as though every day is missing something. maybe when i have recovered from surgery and in the new year its time to find full time work and throw myself into doing something again.
I will make christmas special, for my wonderful ds and scs who dont deserve to miss out and who my mum adored and wouldnt want to be sad but i cant see ever feeling normal again happening

thinking of each of you for differing reasons and wishing you strength

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Tue 11-Dec-12 08:05:10

I keep dreaming of her. I spend the dream just looking at her, trying to remember every detail of her, and telling her that I love her and I don't want her to go. But everytime she leaves me and walks away. She ignores me telling her I love her as though she isn't interested and doesn't care that she is leaving me.

I know she has no more pain, no more illness, no more depression and no more worrying, but I miss her so much, that's selfish isn't it?

maybeyoushouldrivesantassleigh Tue 11-Dec-12 10:26:23

No not at all StickEm perfectly normal I think. (I certainly have very similar feelings but without the dreams) My poor mum was ill for years and years , lots of misdiagnoses etc and the cancer was the final straw. She missed out on so much through illness, days out, coming to stay with us but I'd still have her back in a heartbeat, so I guess I must be selfish too...

waiting trying to deal with illness at the same time as grief is absolutely overwhelming. i really hope the dentist can sort you out and make you feel better health wise. I share your terror of dentists - but if he can help you then it's worth the fear I think.

ssd I agree wearing black would be a symbol for all the world to see that we are grieving and maybe just maybe people might be a bit more considerate towards us as they would be visually reminded of what has happened. But then again, how long would we wear black for?? I am still hurting many months on and still want recognition and kindness.

crazycat I'm sure your Vicar will make an excxeption and baptise your lovely baby, it's a very special circumstance, I'm sure they will understand how important it is for you.

Must go - am due at school soon but wanted to check in! Hello everyone else - you're in my thoughts as always.

mummylin Tue 11-Dec-12 10:45:26

Hello everyone. It is a bitterly cold day here today and the ground is white with frost.I am going to go out shopping once again,but am finding it so upsetting to see things which my mum would of loved and which i would of bought for her for Xmas.
waiting I too feel like you and feel that my life wil never be normal again.I just cant see an end to this awful feeling of loss.
To All newly bereaved I am so sorry ,we all know the terrible grief you are feeling,but we [ all on this thread ] hope that in some way we can make you feel a bit better.We cannot take this grief away from you but we can be here to support you and tell you that what you are going through is normal.
ssd hope you will have a better day today.
I feel like i have been living in some sort of different life since mum has been gone,i cant believe that it is so long since i have seen her.I dont think i would like to wear black for long but maybe an arm band would suffice ,just to let people know that yes we are still grieving ,and no we are not ok.We are just learning to survive without our loved ones and although we may appear to be normal ,we certainly are a long way from that.Thinking of you all especially as Xmas gets nearer.xx

I am back, got some anti bs to try and encourage swelling to go down abit quicker. I have to start a process of having lots of work done as ive left it so long that needs must. I am petrified but also feel really stupid for letting it get this bad. I think my mum would be proud of me for finally admitting i need help and to do something about it though. I am still on the hunt for a christmas decoration have found a lovely personalised one for £7.99. its abit pricey but its beautiful so will wait till i can get that next monday as money is tight right now. I am finding christmas shopping hard but only have one left to buy now as have done most online. I also received my MN secret santa today and sobbed my heart out at the kindness of strangers. it felt good to cry for positive reasons instead. thinking of you all, how are we coping with the run up to christmas?

t875 Tue 11-Dec-12 21:29:51

mummylin - How special you saying about the robin! I feel a significant connection to my mum and seeing the robin, it was around today too and hasnt been for a few weeks. I love seeing him! smile I looked up robins and the significance of them and it means new beginnings.

beachcombgirl - Feel for you, what a time you are going through, sounds like last year was an awful one with the passing of your nan too. Bless you. Were right there with you through what you are going through. Here anytime x

Stickem - How hard you having them dreams, im sure its all thats going round in your head right now. I still get the days of guilt and 'what if's' and my god they have hammered me the last few days. I remember i had a dream about my mum but this one was very vague and she was at my dads house and when i saw her face she looked sad and it was horrible as i dont remember my mum hardly ever sad so i didnt like it and i shut it out, i had a lovely one where she spoke to me and we hugged, i soooo want to dream of her again! x

and to everyone else i am thinking of you all, i am sorry i have missed a fair bit of the thread as my eldest has the flu and is really rough, i have had no sleep hardly as she has had a high temperature and then in the day she has been off school.

Shes hopefully back tomorrow and i think i will enjoy the peace wink x

ssd Tue 11-Dec-12 22:41:54

I wrote a big piece last night then my laptop went weird and it wouldnt post

it was all about robins!!!!!!

I was putting up the xmas tree, and amongst a lot of decorations that were my mums is 4 wee robins, I pointed them out to dh and he said "they are from (place I was brought up), meaning from mum...which they were......he knew if it was a robin or a little bird it was from my mum. t875 thats interesting it meaning new beginnings, when I had a really spiritual feeling before about my mum I could hear a voice from her in my head saying "move on, move on".....felt like saying I'm trying mum but its not easy.....

am off to bed as tired out, will post some more soon, hugs to you all xx

mummylin Tue 11-Dec-12 23:01:35

How strange about all the robins !! i was trying today to get one of the laminated xmas cards especially for the cemetery.last year i got a lovely one in Clintons,but this year they havent got them.Was browsing around in G&T and i just spotted some.I bought two but couldnt get one with mum on it.Showed them to my dh tonight and he said there were some from an ebay shop.So he looked for me and Now i have a beautiful laminated card coming from [ i dont know where ] which says mum on it, So now i will have 3 !! I may see if my friend would like one ,the one who just lost her brother. Dont forget folk if you are have kept any old xmas cards from your mum ,put one up ,it will warm your heart a little.I did this last year and i will do it again this year,just so i have a card that says "daughter " on. take care all xx

t875 Tue 11-Dec-12 23:24:22

wow such a lot of talk about robins!!! I love the idea of a laminated card, seriously when i was sorting out my mums things my dad left me to sort last week there was cards, and as i was looking through i come across this one with a robin, i have it up now on the side, it reminds me of the scene from the john lewis advert (we should petition and get the robin back) grrr! Im so glad i can share this about the robin, i swear my friends think ive lost the plot! smile

I really feel it is a message from her! I wonder if she loved robins!?!

i had a moment tonight when i wasnt being a walk over with my brother and i could hear her saying to me in my head "well done, you do what you want" Ive always been unselfish always putting everyone first especially my brother well not anymore! I put the children, hubby and my dad first now and thats it. My friends who bother with me i bother with them but the ones where i make the effort, it will be C ya.

Spooky all this robin talk, my tree decoration from when I was v young is a crafted robin with spindly legs that perches on the tree, I've felt calmer ever since I put it up knowing its there watching

gymboywalton Wed 12-Dec-12 08:09:59

it's the first anniversary of my dad's death today

i thought i would be ok but actually i feel like taking to my bed, sleeping and howling.

i keep thinking 'this time last year he was alive'

i miss him SO much-i'd give anything to see him again.

gymboywalton Wed 12-Dec-12 08:11:36

my dad DID loved robins! he was always watching the birds in the garden. The day after his funeral we took some flowers to the graveyard to lay on my nan's grave and there was a little robin singing his heart out to us-he stayed there on the branch of a tree and sang and sang.....

maybeyoushouldrivesantassleigh Wed 12-Dec-12 09:26:30

I have a robin decoration up too which Mum gave to dd a few Christmases ago smile

I'm having a tough time this week. Arguing with my dh, we just seem to be poles apart just nowsad He came in from work last night, barely spoke, just stood reading the paper and looking at texts while I sorted out the tea. He sat down at the table with dd, letting me 'serve' them bring drinks through etc, all without asking how we were/what kind of day we'd had. I felt like I was a servant or invisible or something. Then he leapt up from the table saying he'd lost his watch and started frantically searching. He retraced his bike route etc and didn't find it. Tbh I couldn't have cared less, did a desultory search of the house. He is sooo cross, I'm in tears beacause it's just all too much, he's gone to work without hardly a word. He just doesn't understand I need communication/hugs etc. I'm sat here in tears... Sorry...didn't mean to blurt that out.

I miss my mum so much and his bloody mother is arriving tomorrow (only found out it's tomorrow and not Frdiay this morning) the house is a tip, no beds made and he'll be out Thursday and Friday night leaving me alone with her! Grrrr.

Sorry will come back later and talk properly guess I just needed to get that out!

ssd Wed 12-Dec-12 09:27:16

my mum loved robins too, she was a great bird watcher and a member of the RSPB for years, she got the kids memberships when they were young but sadly they are just into football!!

I don't think all this robin talk is just a coincidence, I think there a them going here.....I think our loved ones are gently telling us to move on with our lives....I must admit, I would hate to think my kids were grieving for me really badly, I'm not afraid of dying, I think its the natural order of things and I now believe we go to somewhere beautiful (I had no belief before mum died but have a really strong feeling now)...anyway I know I wouldn't want my kids to grieve too much but I also know there's nothing I can do about the way I feel, I've felt mums death way deep to my core, its like a part of the universe has gone out and will never be the same again

I don't know what I'm trying to say, just that I think all the robins mentioned are there for a reason and we each have a different reason for them

I'm looking at the ones on my tree too, I've just emptied out my bag from the loft with the cards and wrapping paper in it, I felt something small at the bottom of it, just as I was putting the empty bag into the bin, it was a lovely bird decoration that was my mums, everything I've felt coming from mum since he died has been to do with birds, every last thing, and I feel this is another small sign..............maybe I'm being daft, but I think if you feel something that feels right to you then that's enough

I think we'll all be looking out for those wee robins now !! xx

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now