Absolutely falling apart

(12 Posts)

The run up to Xmas is tough isn't it? I just keep remembering last Xmas and the knowledge that hung over all of us that it'd be mum's last one. She was too ill to have Xmas dinner, and only spent a couple of hours with us before having to go to bed. She looked so weak and worn out.

I'd bought some of her presents before we found out about the cancer, most of them never got used. The only thing she used was a dressing gown, dad wants me to have it now. And I want it, but I don't.

I'm sorting out my ebook collection, and keep seeing books that mum recommended and I never got around to reading. And I remember that dad was going to buy her a Kindle for Xmas, and decided against it, as she couldn't use it. I wish she was here to share ebooks with.

And this Xmas is going to be harder than I ever imagined, as if it wasn't going to be hard enough without mum. Dad has got a new girlfriend. Mum has been dead 8 months. He met her just over a month ago, now he's inseparable from her. He keeps telling me that he thinks mum pushed him to this new woman. I'm finding it so fucking hard though.

I've asked him to give me time and he just keeps pushing.

We met her for the first time, and every time I handed DS to dad for a cuddle, dad would instantly hand him to this new woman. As if she was DS's grandmother. My mum died 2 weeks before DS was born, he's never had a cuddle with my mum, she never even saw him, or heard he had arrived. And suddenly dad is treating this woman like she's family. And expecting me to treat her like family. Expecting DS to look on her as family.

It hurts so damn bad.

Spoke to dad last night, and he took every opportunity to go on about how she's a big part of his life now, and will be a part of my life. Telling me how mum would want him to be happy. I know all this, but I'm still grieving badly and need time. DH tried talking to dad for me, and now dad is pissed at DH and threatening to have a big falling out with him.

I tried changing the subject with dad and asked what he wanted for xmas, and got the forlorn response of "what I want you aren't ready to give".

How fucking bad does he want me to feel??

I almost took an overdose the other day I felt so wretched. Dad's response? "You need to snap out of it, I've moved on, you should too". sad

I dream about mum all the time, and every morning I wake up and mourn her death all over again.

I dreamt the other night that I was round dad's and he was with this new woman. And mum was there too. She was relegated to a spare room. Him and new woman were having fun, and mum was sat quietly alone, ignored. I know he hasn't forgotten her, but I guess that sums up how I feel about it.

DS is standing with support now, he's started weaning, he's almost crawling, he's learning to wave, he's babbling, he's smiling and laughing, he's having favourite toys. Mum has never seen any of this. And she loved children. She was so excited when she found out I was pregnant. She never got to see her only grandchild. Two fucking weeks.

I miss her so badly it physically hurts.

So much other shit is happening right now on top of this. I need my mum. I don't need dad's shit. Dad is going to spend all of Xmas going on about this new woman and trying to make me feel bad. He keeps hinting that he wants her there. For the first xmas without mum. DS's first Xmas. I don't want her in my memories of that day. I don't want her in photos of that day.

I've had to agree to seeing dad and my brother on Xmas Eve, so he can go see her on Xmas day.

He keeps telling me how much my brother gets on with her, as if he's saying, "your brother is doing things for me, you don't care". But then he said the same when mum was dying. He told me that I didn't suffer like him and my brother did as I wasn't there to hear mum cry in the night. I didn't have to see her deteriorate day after day. Why wasn't I there? I was in fucking hospital for the majority of the hospital on a fucking drip. I had to beg to be allowed to go to mum's funeral. And even then I had to leave the wake as I was so unwell. If I'd had any choice I wouldn't have left mum's side, I'd have slept on the floor of her room. I didn't have a choice. Early after mum's diagnosis, when we thought she'd live beyond DS's birth, I'd planned to move in with mum and dad to help out. Dad knew this.

But now I'm the disappointment, the daughter who doesn't care. The selfish one.

After DS's birth we were visiting dad once a week with him. Dad has only come to us twice since DS was born. We live 45 mins drive away. Both me and DH are disabled and stuck on benefits. So we do all the travelling, we pay all the petrol costs.

And yet it's me who doesn't make an effort.

If it wasn't for DS and DH I'd be dead by now. Then I could be with mum.

Just wanted to say the first year is always the hardest...

I think your dad is being slightly insensitve but everyone grieves differently. My mum died when I was 4 (23 years ago this year) and I know how much it hurts to know your children will never hug their nanny. Although I have a wonderful stepmother I wish my mum was here sad

Christmas is always hard... Little by little you get there... Keep going xx

FarrowAndBollock Tue 20-Nov-12 16:27:09

I'm so sorry OP. Your father sounds insensitive in the extreme - you must feel so hurt and let down. Have you spoken you anyone about counselling for your loss? Your GP may be able to arrange for someone to talk it through with and help you work through your anger and sadness.

I'm seeing a counsellor from Cruse regularly, which is good, but unfortunately no one can wave a magic wand and make all this shit go away. sad

MoomieAndFreddie Wed 21-Nov-12 08:05:26

I saw your post on FB (my initials are M.W on fb ) and couldn't not read what you had written here

i have no real advice for you i'm afraid but just wanted to say how sorry i am for your loss, i can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be for you, especially at this time of year

hopefully some other, wiser posters will be along soon with some good advice and more kind words

un-mnetty ((((((hugs)))))))

TobyLerone Wed 21-Nov-12 08:16:42

Poor darling girl sad

Your dad is being a twat. Can you distance yourself from him for a while? Have Christmas with just DH and DS? Tell him you need to do it as you need time.

I don't know what to suggest. I only know that my heart would be broken if I were in your situation.

ssd Wed 21-Nov-12 09:06:56

oh op, I'm so very sorry and I'm angry at your dad for being selfish, you aren't the selfish one here trust me

there's a thread going just now, I cant do links or anything but its called for anyone grieving for their parents you will get support here...please join us, there's a lot of sadness anger and hurt there but also a huge amount of support and understanding from posters who have or are going through similar.

i hope you join us x

ssd Wed 21-Nov-12 09:08:53
ssd Wed 21-Nov-12 09:09:10

bloody hell it worked!

AlanMoore Wed 21-Nov-12 09:22:38

sad so sorry you are going through this.

Your dad is on the rebound, I have seen three people do the same when widowed. He is being insensitive and his GF is too, and I agree with the person up thread who suggested you distance yourself a bit. Sounds as though your dad downplays your involvement/support anyway so back off a bit for your own sake. Do you have aunts/uncles or your mums friends numbers if you'd like to chat about her? When my nana died me & mum got a lot of comfort from nana's friends, who told us lots of funny stories etc.

Your dad is grieving too even if he thinks he's finished. Have a quiet Xmas with your DH and lovely baby and make some special memories for the three of you. Next year things may well be much better between you and dad. It will be hard because it's the first Xmas without your mum but there'll be joy too because it's the first with your baby, so try to make it a bit special. Maybe you could eat something you love that's not traditional or something? X

AlanMoore Wed 21-Nov-12 09:24:17

And if you are alone and feeling desperate give Samaritans a ring, they will listen x

Murder I am so sorry you are going through this.

My dad was a little strange in some of the ways he dealt with the death of my lovely mum too. She hadn't even been cremated and he had had her taken off all financial stuff, banks etc etc.....he got rid of her clothes pretty quick and I found that incredibly hard but I suppose it was his way of dealing with it.

He hasn't got a lady friend yet but he made indications pretty early on that he would like to have someone special in his life. After she had been gone about a year he asked me if I thought about her a lot to which I answered yes of course, every day, loads and loads of times. His reply was that he didnt think of her daily but he did still think of her a lot. How can you be with someone for 50 years and then not even a year after their death not think about them all the time

I dont get it.

I miss her so badly it physically hurts - oh darling of course it does, it is still early days for you. My mum died Aug 2010 so I am further on down the road and it doesnt hurt AS MUCH although I am still sometimes consumes by the sadness of it all.

PM me if you ever need an ear xx

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