For Anyone grieving for one of their parents,you will find support here.

(362 Posts)
mummylin Wed 07-Nov-12 21:50:04

hope you all find this ok,the pages were just refusing to load up and messages taking so long.thats why i had a double post on other thread.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sat 24-Nov-12 20:32:49

That's exactly it waiting.

And how did it happen? At the weekend we had walked to the supermarket with ds, we ate chips and ds made her laugh. She looked after him on Thursday. Normal everyday things.

Then she was just gone. No goodbye, no anything. Just gone forever.

That must be very hard to grasp along with everything else your trying to organise. Although my mum wasn't conscious for the week we knew what was comin I could Stoll physically see her even if we couldnt talk. Please take care of you and Ds everything else will fall in place when it needs to. It's so wrong how things can change so suddenly, people can just cease to exist.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sat 24-Nov-12 20:43:11

Thank you, and I'm so sorry you are going through this too. How can something we all know will happen, such a "normal" part of life, just tear you apart like this? I'm no good at knowing what to say to people, like you and everyone else is on here sorry blush I'm just so sad for everyone and what they're going through x

Totally agree, never know what to say but its so much better than saying nothing which people do. Went to a school event and a woman asked how mum was, felt like my stomach was being ripped through my chest then when I said she had died she kept saying your joking so I had to repeat myself sad

Beachcombergirl Sat 24-Nov-12 23:04:50

The not existing anymore part of death is awful. With mum and dad now gone I feel like my childhood and adult life until now has been smashed apart and my wonderful family has been destroyed. People say they live on in memories and yes I get that but the loss of physical presence is unbearable.

hellyd Sun 25-Nov-12 07:17:25

I know just what u mean by ,missing the physical presence, I live 2hrs away from mum but that reassuring feeling that she is just at the other end of a phone call is gone.
Thanks for the welcome i'm just so sorry their are so many of us in the same position.

ssd Sun 25-Nov-12 09:43:31

I agree totally with whats been written above, absolutely all of it

and I'm sorry for the inquests girls, god that's really hard and add stress on top of stress...and mummylin I'd have ripped the neighbours head off too!!!

re: the where has she gone thing...does anyone else constantly go through whats happened in their head? I don't know why I'm doing this all the time. Unless I'm at work and busy, its all I think of, its like I'm constantly processing it in my mind, trying to accept it. But my mum was in her 80's and just reached the end of her life, she just died of old age, so why am I still so shocked and upset 11 weeks after she died, when does someone start accepting that shes gone forever? I feel like I'm fighting accepting it, I'm looking for her everywhere, even though for years she was a very old frail mum who only went out in a wheelchair with me, we didn't walk round the shops together and chat, we haven't had that for years.

I just wish I could accept it and stop fighting it and start looking forward instead of continually going through the past in my head

I totally feel like beachcombergirl, my past has been wiped away, it didn't feel so enormous when dad died but with mum gone it feels like its all gone, I worked out I visited mum and dad every week for the last 25 years at least once a week, then in the last 14 years just mum visited at least once a week, the same house in the same village where I grew up, now I'll never go back there and its as familiar as my right arm...I did go back once a few weeks ago and drove round by myself but it hurt so much I cant go back

and yes yes to not being bothered with anything, I have no joy in all the xmassy stuff too, in fact shopping makes me really lonely and teary, I used to love xmas shopping and the build up but this year I'm just on the verge of tears every time I'm out...
and dh has really pissed me off, he hasn't seen how upset I am at all, he didn't cry when his mum died and got over it immediately (but his mum wasn't someone you'd cry over, sounds horrible but sadly true), anyway dh has organised for me to go to some big night out and keeps saying oh just go really impatiently, its the last thing I want and its making me really panicky

I'm sorry to be all about me , I know we are all hurting here xxx

ssd Sun 25-Nov-12 09:44:25

I agree totally with whats been written above, absolutely all of it

and I'm sorry for the inquests girls, god that's really hard and add stress on top of stress...and mummylin I'd have ripped the neighbours head off too!!!

re: the where has she gone thing...does anyone else constantly go through whats happened in their head? I don't know why I'm doing this all the time. Unless I'm at work and busy, its all I think of, its like I'm constantly processing it in my mind, trying to accept it. But my mum was in her 80's and just reached the end of her life, she just died of old age, so why am I still so shocked and upset 11 weeks after she died, when does someone start accepting that shes gone forever? I feel like I'm fighting accepting it, I'm looking for her everywhere, even though for years she was a very old frail mum who only went out in a wheelchair with me, we didn't walk round the shops together and chat, we haven't had that for years.

I just wish I could accept it and stop fighting it and start looking forward instead of continually going through the past in my head

I totally feel like beachcombergirl, my past has been wiped away, it didn't feel so enormous when dad died but with mum gone it feels like its all gone, I worked out I visited mum and dad every week for the last 25 years at least once a week, then in the last 14 years just mum visited at least once a week, the same house in the same village where I grew up, now I'll never go back there and its as familiar as my right arm...I did go back once a few weeks ago and drove round by myself but it hurt so much I cant go back

and yes yes to not being bothered with anything, I have no joy in all the xmassy stuff too, in fact shopping makes me really lonely and teary, I used to love xmas shopping and the build up but this year I'm just on the verge of tears every time I'm out...
and dh has really pissed me off, he hasn't seen how upset I am at all, he didn't cry when his mum died and got over it immediately (but his mum wasn't someone you'd cry over, sounds horrible but sadly true), anyway dh has organised for me to go to some big night out and keeps saying oh just go really impatiently, its the last thing I want and its making me really panicky

I'm sorry to be all about me , I know we are all hurting here xxx

ssd Sun 25-Nov-12 09:45:34

oh sorry about that x

mummylin Sun 25-Nov-12 16:41:23

i want my mum back too sad have been to cemetery today to take her her little angel and her heart.It was so damn miserable there today.was pouring with rain and so gloomy.I did not know my mum was going to die,neither did she.Its awful.Does anyone think weird things like me ? i worry my mum is getting wet at the moment and if its flooded underground.I cant help it.

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sun 25-Nov-12 17:05:25

mummylin I think weird things but strangely, not about what is happening/will happen to her mortal remains. She always told me that when you die what is left is just the shell you lived in, it's not you anymore. Wherever your mum is I'm sure she wouldn't be hanging around the graveyard - my grandad always told me he would have better things to do than that when he died. wink

I am however concerned about what happens to the "you" part of you; everything she thought, everything she did/wanted to do, memories, likes and dislikes. I wish I knew where all that part of someone goes. Somedays I believe in heaven, somedays I just panic that there is nothing. Dh says he doesn't care if there is nothing but I don't know how he can be ok with that. I find that thought very scary.

ssd Sun 25-Nov-12 17:14:54

I cant accept theres nothing, its too overwhelming sad

t875 Sun 25-Nov-12 17:44:45

I definitively cant think there is nothing there, i have had a lot of messages and connections and strangely i feel her presence, i also feel when she isn't around.

But...some days that helps me and gives me comfort and other days it doesnt work.
I just dont understand why im struggling again, it must be christmas coming up and she would have loved everything, she would have been so excited and now shes gone, its funny she said to me last christmas, "why dont you have the table cloth" I said "you need it though mum for next year!" "oh its ok, its fine and she passed it" - I wonder if she knew something...she wasnt all that keen either to talk about this christmas... I wonder if they know..my mum spoke to me in a strange deep way a few days before she passed about some boxes like storage boxes with butterflies, she said "I really want you to have them.." When i look back, that was a very strange conversation..i found them boxes and my girls have got some lovely bits in them.

Thinking of everyone xx

I am on countdown now as funeral arranged for thursday and with intermin death certificate it will definatly be going ahead. All feels so much more real now. dreading inquest, i just dont want to hear about all the things that went wrong. I miss her so much already not sure i can listen to everyone listed out

ssd Sun 25-Nov-12 21:00:14

do you need to go to the inquest? I think if you cant face it leave it till when/if you can

hugs for thursday, a most surreal day IME

I hope i dont have to go, they had told us that her stomach had perforated, and she wouldnt survive an operation to fix it so there was nothing they can do. but i dont see how a coroner would not then record a verdict of that when doing autopsy so makes me wonder if they have made mistakes or lied and i dont think i could handle that

ssd Sun 25-Nov-12 22:53:36

sad I dont think I could handle that either

if I were you I'd stay well clear for just now, until you're ready to handle it

xx

t875 Mon 26-Nov-12 09:49:09

Oh bless you waiting I couldn't imagine what you are going through, i still have that nagging feeling of asking to see the scans of my mums brain scan, but what the hell would i do if i found anything not right, I was a royal pia pushing them to do this and that, telling the consultant if he couldn't do anything get someone who can at the time I wonder could they have done more, ..just don't know..im bitter at the moment though so this clouds my mind a lot. I did phone a brain hospital up London and they said my mum going straight to ICU with a stroke was not a good sign in the first place. sad

Were all get eachother through these dark times xx

It's nice to talk to people who aren't telling me how to feel and act.my brother has really not handled the need for inquest well.and Is convinced they could of done more it might be true but he just keeps on and its not easy to hear repeatedly that she should still be here sad

mummylin Mon 26-Nov-12 10:38:53

I also veer from going to thoughts that mum died because of something they did / didnt do.And like someone else has said funny little things pop into your head about wether they suspect something is going to happen.My mum told me who the two hampers on the bed were for and asked me to give her friend back her old peoples club membership card.its all very weird.Well today is the day of my friends brothers funeral and its reminding me of my poor sisters funeral [ same time of year and just a few days apart]She is still in utter disbelief and is heartbroken.But we have planned to go out and shop together tomorrow.We will get each other through. Now i have to go and see what i am going to wear and have a bath.Funeral is at 2pm. chins up everyone, we will all get there wherever there is !

t875 Mon 26-Nov-12 11:08:18

Will be thinking of you today mummylin, that would be very hard and i can imagine its going to be hard for you.

waiting It really must be hard for you, we are here for you to talk too hun

xx

I hope your friends brothers funeral goes as well as is possible and that shopping is in kind to you both, i am doing most of ours online this year really cant be fussed or sending dp out. Its very hard t875 i know what he means and there is part of me that really does want to know but i know it wont bring her back. Very sad today, mums parcel for christmas arrived, i was going to keep it at the house or give to her husband but it is totally smashed to pieces. Have had huge argument with delivery company and denounced them on social networking sites as because it was 3 for 2 it has to go back and another one be sent. when i said no i dont want another and this is why she said i would not be refunded in any way because of three for 2 so i now have to go through it being delivered again next week. sad

mummylin Mon 26-Nov-12 13:00:28

I am ready but my heart is beating like the clappers. i dithered about what to wear and i was going to wear th top that i bought for my mums ,BUT i couldnt do it and put it back in the wardrobe,i am however wearing the cardigan that was also for my mums. Have spoken to my friend several times this am and i feel so sad for her and all the rest of the family. Im off now ,thanks for good wishes and thoughts x

ssd Mon 26-Nov-12 18:47:49

hope the funeral went as well as possible mummylin x

I'm sorry for the girls feeling that something could have been done to save your mums, this must be hard to take and accept. I dont have that.my mum died naturally of old age, she went peacefully which I'm grateful for, at least I think she did, I wasnt there, she was alone, although I seen her before she was taken out of her flat and she still had her wee hands clasped in her lap, leaning over on the couch like she has just toppled over gently. I hope my dad was there to meet her when she passed, I really think they are together now and I'm happy for them, I hope I get to see them again, the thought of never ever seeing them again kills me. I just want to know they are together and are ok, I could accept things if I felt they were somewhere, the thought of them both just gone totally is unacceptable to me.

The world feels a very lonely place just now..mums death has brought back dads death and I feel like I've lost everything.

BlackCatinChristmasChaos Mon 26-Nov-12 22:24:00

Funeral went o.k. today. Feeling a bit sad and lost for words. Must go to bed now as life carries on tomorrow (school run etc).

Hope I'm feeling a little better tomorrow.

Thinking of you all xx

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