For Anyone grieving for one of their parents,you will find support here.

(362 Posts)
mummylin Wed 07-Nov-12 21:50:04

hope you all find this ok,the pages were just refusing to load up and messages taking so long.thats why i had a double post on other thread.

Oh no, that's really tough. And knowing it will all have to be rearranged, you don't need that. Could your dh postpone his leave? Although maybe it will be good just spending some time together...

Thank you for your lovely comment thanks I'm lucky to have such a nice dd!

No hope of postponing. Busiest time of year for him ( he's not Santa btw) but its nice to have him here I feel tearful at the oddest thing and I haven't cooked for over a week so he's keeping me going. I wrapped the kids presents today an it just felt so weird knowing mum won't be here.My Ds is 5 and sounds much like your dd, he is lively and clever but so beyond his years emotionally he's had the weight of the world on his shoulders this past two years. I spoil him rotten, people say it all the time but it'll never change. He pulls me through much like I imagine your Dd does ans they deserve some recognition

ssd Thu 22-Nov-12 22:15:46

I say spoil your kids, does them damn good

I was spoiled as a child, not financially, but with love and it did me good

and if you can afford to give them a few extra treats too then why the hell not

xx

mummylin Thu 22-Nov-12 22:33:33

Waitingforastartofall i am so sorry that you have had to rearrange things.Its bad enough to do it once.what a horrible upset on top of everything else.I cant understand why, if people die in a hospital they then have to increase the families grief by doing an autospy.But apparently the coroners word is law and they have to make the decision.Seems wrong to me that they can overide the families request when there is an obvious cause of death.Hope Grandad will be ok.
ssd You are the same as me in wanting to ,and do talk about mum all the time.In my mind it keeps her as part of the family still.It keeps her here with us in my mind.
t785I am glad you are getting some help from cruse and finding it helpful.Its nice to know you have the same beliefs , i hope you can gain some comfort from the nice lady.
maybeyoushoulddrive It is the little things that upsets us isnt it,things we shared ,things that we bought for each other.Mum always made the whole families mince pies ,and now it seems its my job.last year my niece and i made about 10 dozen of them !! But we want to keep mums traditions going.But i cant make them as nice as my mums,but they are edible and look nice so thats something.they will go to 8 different houses [ mine included of course]
To all, today i found a very funny photo of my mum.It was my dh's 50th and it was a footi theme, my mum walked in with the biggest boobs i have ever seen !! it was so funny and i have no idea where she got them from,anyway today it did give me a little chuckle followed by a horrible lurch in my stomach at what i have lost. Well folks thats another day we have all got through.Bring on tomorrow !

ssd Thu 22-Nov-12 22:53:10

your right mummylin, some things do give us a horrible lurch when we least expect it...y'day on the radio at work an old song came on from war of the worlds called "now you're not here"...god I could cry just thinking about it

I wonder when life feels normal again? I'm starting to try to keep super busy so I dont think about things too much, it hurts too much..

but when I'm totally alone my mind is gone, I just think about mum and dad all the time..its funny but I feel close to my dad again, he died 15 yrs ago nearly and I've been so wrapped up in mum for all that time that dad had slipped from my thoughts a bit, but now mum is in the same place as him I'm thinking of them both together and I feel close to him again...but god I wish they were here, cant believe I have to live the rest of my life without my mum and dad, i was so close to them, the youngest in the family, the only one who lived near them and regularly visited them, since the last 20 years,I cant believe they've gone and I have no back up now, its a horrible feeling, to have no support anymore...and my siblings are damn hopeless

t875 Fri 23-Nov-12 11:20:26

So upset this morning hearing a christmas song, feeling like its so unfair, she should be getting excited, getting her little special bits, novelty xmas stuff, and its just crap, my god did i cry, some days the tears come heavy!

I said to her this morning, if you see when im walking around the shops(which i dont find easy) please direct me to it and ill buy it! I still am buying stuff my mum would have brought me and the girls, my dad gave me some candles and bits and pieces from the kitchen, i have used the plastic tubs for our lunch/kids sandwiches, she would like to see them used, the candles one by one was used on each of the cakes this year for the birthdays. I still try and do these things, i even found me keeping the label off my husbands present yesterday, and looked up to the air and said "see ill keep your legacy alive eh" as that is what she done.

I am so like my mum im realising more and more, i look out for people, i generally breeze through apart from the horrendous times of grief, there is so much ive even had people say to me you are your mum and do you know what we are, we have so much of them in us and with us, they are still a big part of us. I know everyone thinks different and i no way would shove anyone to any belief.
but this is what i really feel and believe, i still do get my spiritual signs too which i find very hard to ignore.

Thinking of you all and sending hugs if needed. We have eachother to help a little to get us through the tough times xx

hellyd Fri 23-Nov-12 11:55:17

Hi all
So sorry for everyone's losses
My mum died 4 weeks ago tomorrow, is feels like and age and a second all at the same time. I keep being told its early days and it will fell better but it doesn't seem to.
I miss her so much, she would ring every Sunday morning until the last few weeks when she was too ill (cancer very sudden very quick) and i still find myself thinking, oh i must remember to tell mum that when she phones when something happens during the week. My father phoned last Sunday bless him he was trying to do the right thing and new i would be missing my weekly call but when the phone rang just for a second i thought it would be her, so did my son, as much as i'm glad my dad rang i was still disappointed.
enough rambling, thanks for listening, its nice to have a place to come and talk where everyone understands
h.

mummylin Fri 23-Nov-12 13:05:10

hellyd so sorry that you have joined us on this thread.Yes you are right we all understand sadly.I dont know if you have read through the thread but to expain to you briefly ,we are all at different stages here,but all feel the same undeniable grief,which we struggle to comprehend.As you sad you are a an early stage as are others on here,but i have just past the 1st year anniversary.I know it will get better but as yet i cant say its a noticeable improvement yet.I am sorry you have lost your mum ,but bless your dad for giving you formaking the sunday call.That was so thoughtful of him.
t785 Hope your tears have stopped now.Its like floodgates open isnt it.But its a way to release feelings which we try and hide and finally something has to give. Im not sure if we are trying to protect others or ourselves when we dont discuss things with others.I do get people saying " how are you " i invariably answer " oh im fine thanks " but its a lie.I am not ok and will never be ok again.Why do we do this or is it because we think the person asking is not really interested in hearing anything which is not good news ? i just dont know.

t875 Fri 23-Nov-12 16:33:25

oh helld - i am so very sorry for your loss, bless you, it really is crap and so very hard, the phone calls and hugs, the contact has been the most hardest thing to take on, really is a killer, for months i would pretend i was talking to her, sometimes even answering for her..i know that sounds crazy but it helped me a little. I do talk to my mum as i believe and feel she can hear, but then that gets frustrating when i shout up the air "answer me" sad

All what mummylin said, it is absultely horrendous and my god i didnt stop crying, shouting, screaming, looking for answers, blaming everyone including me, i saw people when i wanted, i amswered the phone when i wanted, you really have to do what you want to get you through, i have a shelf with a few special things on it of my mums and what i think she will like, i also had a plant in the summer out in the garden which i got for her, was nice to see her.

Talk, cry and be around people you feel comfortable with and were here for you too.

It does get a bit easier as time goes on, although some days i feel i right back to them times. {{{hugs}}} to you.

Mummylin - Thanks the tears did stop, but again up the shops couldnt walk in the card shop without getting choked!! Ive decided sainsburys is the way to go..not small, no christmas music yet and cheap cards smile

Yeah i know what you mean, i get people ask me, and there are some i can say how i feel, sometimes they get pretty crap but hey we have to trudge on eh! Then also like you they get the yeah im fine not too bad when really im crumbling some days.

Waiting - How is your g dad today?

How are you all today, thinking of you all xx

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Fri 23-Nov-12 17:34:33

Hi everyone, we started clearing the house today which was an odd experience with many mixed emotions. Managed to get some things but will have to go back tomorrow.

I'm angry because I found out that a random relative, who has been clinging to my brother and sister to "support" them, took my mums sewing machine a couple of days ago. He did ask my sister for it and she said yes, but she didn't know what it was worth, but I do and I suspect the relative definitely knows its value. Had she known, my sister would never have agreed to let him have it considering we have the funeral to pay for. I'm fucked off that he would even ask for anything less than a week after she has died, nevermind then walk off with possibly the most valuable item in the whole house! angryangryangry This same relative has been harrassing the funeral directors asking when he can go and see my mum - she hasn't even been released by the bloody coronor yet!

In other news, my mum had three cats, but we were only looking for two as one of them went missing many months ago. Well guess what we found in the tip that was my brothers old bedroom? Oh yes, the missing cat. She appears to have crawled away and hid behind furniture (and various piles of teenage boy mess). It was not pretty but luckily dh is made of stronger stuff than me or my sister and he was able to remove the poor thing. We shall be having her funeral tomorrow.

When my sister realised what she had found, (and after the initial shock, screaming in panic about a dead body thus causing me to panic and both of us running from the house terrified before she got round to telling me it was only a cat body!) the first thing she thought was "We need to tell mum we've found the cat", then she realised. Those moments where you forget are the worst.

On a happier note, just after this incident, one of the missing (but alive) cats turned up so she is now at my sisters. We have asked the neighbours to keep an eye out for the remaining cat.

t875 Fri 23-Nov-12 20:06:57

Oh stickem im so sorry about the cat, and hope you get the other come back home asap.

I really felt your anger at the sewing machine thing, i would be exactly the same. I would actually track it down and say it meant a lot to her and she wants it to stay with you, whether its worth something or not which i know the one you mean and it is as its old fashioned?? But its the principle of matter of taking it so i can understand whole heartily how you are feeling. x

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Fri 23-Nov-12 22:06:42

Yes it's the principle, but it has confirmed (as if I needed it confirming!) why I'm not having anything to do with them.

We're ok about the cat, she was old and we had accepted she was most likely dead but were worried that she had been hit by a car or something, so knowing we have found her and can bury her is better than not finding her.

I keep getting hit by a wave of "she's not here" feelings every now and then about my mum. It's so hard to grasp that she won't just answer the phone if I ring. When I was in her house it felt like she was just sitting downstairs/in the kitchen/gone to the shop but then the wave would hit me again.

ssd Sat 24-Nov-12 11:34:48

stickem, I'm sorry about your relatives, god knows I've got stories about my own relatives you wouldn't believe (can we change the date of mums funeral to a week later as niece is on holiday and that date would suit them better/ don't want anything from mums flat as nothing means anything to me (dsis)/no offer of help with paying with the funeral, luckily I always made sure mum had enough in her account, she had no insurance/there's more...)

its shit and it makes the hurt worse and now it just makes me angry (and something I'll never forget)

its awful, just awful

I have an emptiness I cant get rid off, I know my mum was old and it was her time to die but I feel my past has been blown away and I feel empty, its horrible

I know the "she's not here" waves...sad

at least we are with like minded friend here..I said something earlier to dh about crying..he said "eh? why are you crying"? and looked at me dumbfounded..mum died 11 weeks ago yesterday...they've all bloody forgotten her already, no one mentions her yet its all I think about

I feel the same and my mum died a week ago. Everyone seems to be going about their lives and I just want to scream at them. The dog knocked my mug off yesterday and broke it, Its only a cheap mug from b and m but mum bought it and I've sobbed on and off since sad

ssd Sat 24-Nov-12 12:12:35

sad waiting

something like that happening is too much, isn't it

how do people get over this so quickly, its inhuman to me

I think so, my family oh about going out for dinner ect and I just want to be left at home with my thoughts

So sorry for everyone else going through this

I have arranged a date for the funeral, now got to phone everyone again and tell them

Also been to the solicitors to sort out the estate

Have been trying to find music for the funeral, it's hard to listen to the songs that remind me of him. I got rid of all dad's CD's several months ago in hindsight that was rather silly.
The song that reminds me the most of him is Yazz and The Plastic Population and 'The Only Way Is Up' which I think might be seen as slightly inappropriate for a funeral!

I have it slightly easier than most of you on this thread as dad died from ALzheimer's and so hadn't recognised me for quite a while and I'd got used to not talking to him about current events and anniversaries etc. I think its all going to hit me hard after the funeral though.

sorry to hear about your unsympathetic relatives stickem, it's hard enough without relatives making it stressful

My dad got his final wish to donate to medical science (which is a whole thread in itself) even though it wasn't quite what he had imagined and much more complicated to do than I thought it would be.

Feels odd to not be going to visit him today. I usually went on a Saturday
This thread is sad but it good to talk to other people who understand how I'm feeling.

Galaxymum Sat 24-Nov-12 15:21:22

Hi everyone. Just been catching up on the thread as I had a very busy week - partly my own choosing as I was trying to get lots of things done before my mum's inquest which is a week on Tuesday. I don't know how it will hit me but I'm expecting hearing all the details is going to be very hard. So I spent last week making sure I'm prepared with DD's Christmas presents, ensuring I'm covered with work who are being brilliant and giving me time off for the first week in December.

Hello to the new posters - so sorry you are all in the same situation but pleased you have joined us as this is a safe space to say how you feel.

Youvegottobekittenme - I had to put back mum's funeral in August due to the autopsy and it's horrible having to ring everyone again. Mum's autopsy proved inconclusive after a week of tests and in the end, the funeral director persuaded them to allow us to go ahead with the funeral. They put it to inquest which is coming up. I'm dreading it.

ssd and Stickem - yes, I have that overwhelming "she's not here" feeling. There is a huge gap at one side of me. It's just so weird. I have DH and DD on one side and nothing on the other. It feels physical. Ifind it odd I'm coping with buying Xmas presents just for DD but I don't want to be bothered with anything else. Though I have bought her presents from my mum - that mum would have bought. That gave me some comfort. But it's horrible. I feel so alone all the time, and all the forced happiness makes it worse!

Coroner is releasing with an intermin death certificate with no cause as can't find definite cause, there will now have to be an inquest sad I'm sad and scared. Angry that I think she was failed and worried what hearing it all in detail will do to us sad

mummylin Sat 24-Nov-12 17:23:15

Waitingforastartofall and Galaxymum i cannot imagine the extra heartache you both have to go through with the inquests.As if you both dont have enough to cope with. I cannot get in the mood for xmas at all but my friend [who has just lost her brother] and i decided this morning that after his funeral on Monday we will go out together and do what we have to do,even though neither of our hearts are in it.It is a terribly wet day here today and so not suitable at all for going out even if we felt like it.For all of you who have lost your parent so recently i eally feel for you all,this was me last year and although its now a year,i feel exactly the same as i did then.I cannot move on at all.
Going back to the people who decide they want this that and the other when someone dies.I had a horrible experience.Not with family but with my mums next door neighbour.They had never spoken to my mum and used to cut their hedge and let if drop over my mums garden.This upset her as she was really too old to have to clear that up.Anyway ,one day they saw my brother there and asked for mums birdbath and he said yes.When he told me i was incensed.I was at mums one day with another brother when a head appeared over the fence and she said " oh your brother said i could have the bird bath " i lost the plot and told her she couldnt.i also said you didnt bother with her when she was alive so your certainly not havinganything of hers when she is dead.I also said about leaving her to clear up after them.My language im afraid was appalling.I have to say my brother did not know where to put himself at my tirade.We purposely took it home with us in case they went round and took it.It now has pride of place in my dd's garden ! How rude is that to actually ask for anything ? greedy bastards.

How cheeky of your mums neighbours i would be raging! can totally see why you kicked off. I have been wrapping presents today but my hearts not in it, i will carry on though because the kids love christmas and have had it hard enough this last few months without me being a scrooge. my mum loved christmas we have seen some presents all wrapped in a box at her house, dreading opeening presents knowing their the last ill ever get for her and i wont have chance to give her ours to her. I am so sad today and the inquest development has really bugged me it makes me think that she didnt need to die and its because someone did or didnt do something. dont know if ill be able to handle that

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sat 24-Nov-12 18:55:30

Ok here's my selfish woe is me rant. I'll try not to do it again so here goes:

I don't have time for all this to be happening right now. I have a full time job, sole wage earner, really have to focus and do my best because I need a promotion, I have an OU degree to study for with assignments due and my Duke of Edinburgh award to get on with, which means I need to go cycling every week, be an assistant beaver leader, fundraise for a trip to sodding Africa and provide appropriate evidence of all of this to be assessed. I have a toddler I want to spend more time with and need to do crafty stuff and baking etc. Then I have to try and remember I have dh too. And it's almost Christmas.

I need to do all the things above but this is completely in the way of all of that right now. I don't have time to be doing this right now. I don't want funerals and inquests and waiting "8-10" weeks for test results for my mum. I don't want to clear her house, have to worry about the cats and worry about how my brother and sister are doing. I don't want to deal with debt agencies. I don't want to deal with "family". I don't want to cry, I don't want to be sad.

Oh stickem be kind to yourself you sound so stretched. Its hard to find a balance, if u ever feel like a pm we are both in the same boat right now waiting

StickEmWithThePointyEnd Sat 24-Nov-12 19:25:48

Thanks Waiting, reading that back I sound such a bitch "thanks for dying at such an inconvenient time mum!", but it's not that is it? There is never a convenient time. I just want my mum back and if I can't have that then it feels only right that I should be able to lie in bed and be left alone until it ever stops hurting so bad, but that is as impossible as having her back would be.

You don't sound a bitch at all, I know howyou feel. Like you want to be free to hurt in peace without a million other things that don't seem important. I like you wish I could have her back and failing that want to pull a duvet over my head not make packed lunches and go to meetings

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