For Anyone grieving for one of their parents,you will find support here.

(362 Posts)
mummylin Wed 07-Nov-12 21:50:04

hope you all find this ok,the pages were just refusing to load up and messages taking so long.thats why i had a double post on other thread.

ssd Thu 15-Nov-12 09:38:48

hi mummylin.. that's awful, getting news like that when so much else is going on , the poor family...its true what you said about some people seem to sail through life and others get shit dropped on them from a great height sadsorry your book isn't working for you either

t875, your poor dad, being so upset like that, its just heartbreaking sad and you having to watch him whilst grieving yourself, its just so very hard..let me know how you get on with the spiritual side of things, I;m definitely a believer too..although as time goes on I wonder, I just dont know

I went through some of mum and dads things last night, I cant believe the things they kept...things there from their parents in the first world war, such history...I wish I'd asked mum more and wrote it all down, I'll never know things now...my gran was married in 1913..wow nearly 100 yrs ago...where does all that experience and history go, it all just disappears..makes you wonder why we bother and what we're doing here if we just disappear one day too

mignonette Thu 15-Nov-12 11:28:35

sad for all of us....(((((( hugs ))))))

mummylin Thu 15-Nov-12 11:56:00

I have lots of old photos from my grandparents and my mum ,but i dont have a clue who all the people are.Some of them in military uniform.Just goes to show its best to write on the backs of them for future generations. Yes the poor family are going through a terrible time of it.I have sent a message of condolence but not spoken to them yet.I am speaking to my other friend on and off all day as she is also in limbo not knowing how her brother has died,when he will be returned here etc.I have to say my own problems have been sort of put to the background this week as i have been receiving such bad news from everyone else. It is my turn to support them as they did when my mum died.But i am beginning to feel a bit overwhelmed with everything i must admit.Why does everything come at once ? The thing is ,i cant really help any of them,only listen and be there ,but cant physically do anything.Well,i hope nothing else gonna go wrong for any of my friends or family today ! And of course the same goes for all of you. x

Galaxymum Thu 15-Nov-12 11:59:07

Hi mummylin - so sorry to hear you've had bad news at such a difficult time. Sending you big hugs - everyone is so kind and thoughtful on here, and you've been really helpful in your posts to me. Big hugs to you.

Mignonette - been thinking of you over your horrid day.

Well, Tuesday I made a huge effort and went back to the farm cafe that was mum's favourite. I hadn't been since she was taken into hospital in Feb...then last week I asked DH to go with me as I really missed the place, and felt I needed to break the cycle. We'd had a nice time and because it was mum's favourite it meant we had a giggle about memories. Anyway Tuesday I took the plunge and went on my own. I was so pleased as the waitress remembered my mum and said what mum always had - then as she brought my latte, she said "You're sitting where your muma lways sat. That's lovely." - I was so glad I did it as I wasn't looking at an empty seat, but felt some comfort. I've avoided these places but it made me feel closer.

I lost my spiritual side when my dad died in 1998. Mum was so stricken with grief and it just felt he was snatched away. He had just retired, it was 6 weeks before my wedding, and he'd only had 6 weeks to come to terms with terminal cancer. I had gone to church befor ethat but it all felt wrong. Now my mum has gone, I feel so bereft and that finality is terrifying....I do wonder if I went to church or explored my spiritual side it would help. I must admit I so want to find a white feather but since mum died I've felt no "feeling" from her whatsoever and it's hard.

I am sitting with my dad in the care home. He is refusing food and drink and his breathing is very fast. We have been here before. Very up and down this year, but I think this is it sad
He has no quality of life left and I thought I might feel relief, but I just feel drained and desperately sad.
He isn't responding to me, but that's no different from usual (he has advanced Alzheimer's)
Hope everyone else is having a better day!

mummylin Thu 15-Nov-12 12:24:13

YouveCatToBeKittenMe sending you some extra strength to help you through at this sad time.Please post when you need some support.Are you there on your own with your dad ? Is there someone else that could come and sit with you ?
galaxymum well done for going to the cafe on your own.I am glad that the staff there remembered your mum.There are supposed to be other signs as well as the white feather.Such as lights flickering.Maybe you will get something like that.You may find a feather when you are not actually looking for one.I am not religeous at all but feel if you can go about life helping where you can and being kind to people that is enough for me.Our nephew has a farm cafe but its up in Derby quite a way from here.They think if i go there they will get me on one of their horses ! i doubt that very much [ never in a month of Sundays ]

mignonette Thu 15-Nov-12 17:16:09

Thinking of you all too- Galaxy how wonderful that the waitress remembered your Mother. I find I crave anecdotes and memories about my Father and of course now all I want to do is talk about my cat and it seems pretty trivial in the face of losing a person, i know.

You'veCat - I am thinking of you in your vigil with your Father. Whether he responds to you or not in a manner you recognise, he will have an awareness of warmth, comfort, safety and familiarity of sound/smell. DH was a senior nurse manager of a dementia unit for quite some time and he is adamant about these things. He sends love and comfort your way....

Beachcombergirl Thu 15-Nov-12 20:37:06

Youvecattobekittenme we lost my dad 2 years ago in very similar circumstances. He had dementia and my siblings, my mum and I kept vigil for weeks. It was a tough time but looking back I am so glad we were there for dad until the end and even though he didn't respon to us in the end, I think here was some recognition that he wasn't alone. Knowing we did our best by him is a great source of comfort in time too. Big hugs to you. You are being so brave. X

Beachcombergirl Thu 15-Nov-12 20:41:17

Ssd I know what you mean about the photos. Mum did start to write who was who on some of the photos but we have lots where we just don't know who people are. Mum had an incredible wealth of family knowledge and its all gone now. If only I'd asked her more. I was going o be. Spending so much time with her over the next few months as I'm on mat leave and that was my plan. Too late now.

ssd Thu 15-Nov-12 20:49:47

Galaxymum, I'm sorry you've not had any signs yet, I'm sure you will though, when you least expect it...how lovely that the waitress remembered your mum, I'm finding I want to talk about my mum all the time but have so few people to talk to about her that knew her, I don't have anyone that lives in her village to visit and that's where people knew her..although TBH most of her friends are passed away now or are in a home

mummylin, I;m sure you just being there for your friend is enough, sharing the grief with someone who understands is really important, I can imagine you'll be a great listener too

YouveCatToBeKittenMe , I'm sorry about your dad. My mum was very old and frail before she died and I was sort of grieving for the mum I know before she died. But losing her has given me absolutely no relief. I'm a bit offended when people say to me aren't you relieved now. I'm just sorry. keep posting here, you need to let it out.

thoughts to us all xx

So much sadness on heresad thanks for everyone and hugs too.

You'veCattoBeKittenMe your presence will be a comfort I've no doubt. Apparently hearing is the last sense to go, so keep talking if you can, your Dad may not recognise you but he will know that he has someone wilth him who cares about him. Such a tough thing to go through. We sat with Mum for her last few days, she was never alone, and it does comfort me to know that we were there.

GalaxyMum - well done for going to the cafe on your own! How lovely that the waitress recognised you, and talked about your Mum. I too crave the opportunity to talk about Mum, keeping her memory alive I guess.

Mummylin such sad sad news about your friends. You will be a comfort to them I'm sure, but look after yourself too, it's hard to support others when you so need support yourself.

We've piles of photos at my parents house, many we've no idea who they are etc. I keep saying we must write on the backs of photos but in the digital age when I take thousands of photos that probably wont happen! My dsis has made up my parents wedding photos in an album so we've left them with Dad to put names on a list so we at least know who went to their weddinggrin

We've had a day out to the Tower of London today - school closed for polling - so I'm off to bed now exhausted. Fingers crossed for a less stressful tomorrow xx

Ihatecobwebs Thu 15-Nov-12 21:36:17

Had a bad day yesterday, didn't sleep properly, and have just found it very hard to function today.
Was doing alright until I had my cohort interview. I'm part of a group who has been studied since birth, and take part in regular interviews, questionnaires etc etc. (Turns out the sort of stats which say "if your mother/father etc did x/y/z before you were born, during your childhood etc, you are more likely to be a/b/c now).
Interviewer went through an update of living relatives, and just to check they have correc info - so had to go through the "no, dad is dead" stuff (plus both of my PILS). (DS only has one grandparent left, my mother.)

Then, late evening, a friend contacts me, as his father has just been diagnosed with what my dad died from, and he wanted to ask questions, and find out about it (more than just the medical stuff his father has been told). I did it because he's a friend, and I know now what I would have wanted to know then but nobody told me, but it has made me relive the last three years of dad's "medical history" life, and now all I want to do is cry all the time again. Didn't sleep much last night, and have been trying to act "normal" all day, when all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry.

Signed a form to withdraw intervention for dad before I came home. That was about the last straw and I sobbed all the way home. I am just so sad and tired of doing it all myself. My sister just leaves everything to me. She has done since he was diagnosed. She doesn't want to see him which is fair enough as he looks awful, but I am l left to sort it all out. Have posted on bereavement too.

I can't be with him constantly. I have to come home for the DC's. I know I won't be there when he goes, but at least he will be somewhere he is familiar with rather than in hospital now.
There is no one else to sit with him. Unfortunately my aunt went into hospital today for a op so I haven't been able to update her. She will be so upset not to have seen him and she won't be able to travel for a few days. I have phoned my uncle but neither of them can get to him anyway.

I too have a lot of photos to sort. A whole chest of drawers at dad's house. I have been intermittently clearing the house for almost 2 years but it's hard when there's only me and DH doing it and it's not very close by.

Thankyou for all your kind words. Sorry to hear so many others going through tough times too.
Every time the phone rings I jump.

mummylin Thu 15-Nov-12 23:02:59

Oh this thread is full of such sadness isnt it. Each of us suffering the same terrible mixed up feelings.
kitten I feel so sorry that you have such sad times ahead of you,but i hope when it comes that your dear dad will just pass peacefully.Im sure he will know that you are by him and this will give him such comfort.What a tremendous strain you must be under at the moment.
I must say when i look at some of the old photos i cant help but think everyone in them looks so stern ! i think if i had been a child in long ago days and met one of them i would of been scared of them.
I too take lots of digi photos,thats fine for now ,but i know im never going to print them all.I really must start putting them on to discs.

ssd Fri 16-Nov-12 09:41:18

hi everyone

you're right mummylin, it is just so very sad., all of it

last night I went to a shopping mall trying to get into Xmas, but I don't know why, I just get so sad surrounded by people, its not as if me and mum went shopping all the time, I got her shopping/gifts/cards etc and if I took her she was in a wheelchair and it was hard going.

but all I could think when I was walking around was "I don't have a mum now" and it was just flooring me..I know my mum had to go, she had literally reached the end of her life, I seen it in her, but now the loss of both my parents is just killing me. As another poster here said I feel so bereft and rootless. its like I've been blown away into the world and I've got no base any more. I love dh and my kids, but they don't seem like my base, my parents were and now they're both gone its just awful, like the worlds been blown apart. Really strange.

I want to be 10 again and come home from school and my mum cooks me dinner and dad comes home from work. I grew up like an only child, I have older siblings but they left home when I was young, I was a late baby. maybe because of this I was very close to my mum and dad, then when dad died I seen mum every week as siblings have lived 100's of miles away for 30 odd years, so its just been me and mum for years. Today she died 11 weeks ago and when I think of that I think oh god mum, I'm sorry I've not visited you for so long, I don't know why, I'll come out today...I seen her every single week for the last 20 odd years. I know she had to die but I cant believe it. My sister is visiting soon, god that'll be fun. She always left everything and I mean everything to me.....she came here the day before mums funeral and left the day after.....she wanted to go out to dinner the night before the funeral," oh it'd be so nice we can all go out to dinner and it'll be lovely", ...of course I didn't go, so she told me what a lovely night they all had and what I had missed. like I should have gone..she didn't get the fact I was almost comatose with grief and stayed in my room all day...now she'll tell me about the lovely family Xmas she'll have this year with her grown up children and neighbours and how much she's looking forward to it...its all just super

<sigh>

t875 Fri 16-Nov-12 10:47:49

ssd you are still very early in your grief, this is what i was like at the begining i still get them feelings now but it must be so very hard for you with what you are going through with the loss of both your parents, i am dreading the time when that comes, i think id have to study to be a medium! sad its just crap isnt it, where do my friends get off shoving Christmas in my face, like im 'excited'

i had a very bad spell last night, had a big panic attack blaming myself, felt like shouting, the grief was raw as anything!!! I felt very stressed and upset, i just keep thinking i could have done more to stop it, but again i know too that i couldn't!! Silly things, my mum used to get me the little packets of tissues, well they are all gone now, this is my last packet!! I want her to get me more!! Omg i miss her loads!

Kitten - i feel for you so much what you are going through i couldn't imagine, you poor thing. We are here for you, and like mummylin said he can hear you and knows your there, but my god it must be very hard for you.
Thinking of you and know we are right by your side.

some days i believe in the feathers and some days i don't, but they do make me smile, they say ask your angels for a feather or a sign, might be a song on a radio, might be a random coin appearing, we get a 1p turn up often 'pennies from heaven' you may not get it straight away but you may, the strangest thing for us, well there has been many. We have a green wild rose when has never flowered but over the time of losing my mum it flowered and there were love heart petals all over my decking!! I see a random robin red breast different times, we i feel is in relation to my mum.
but its all our belief, but i believe if i hadn't had it or still have it i would be worse, i couldn't imagine the alternative of believing my mum isn't around me.

Thinking of us all xx

mummylin Fri 16-Nov-12 11:45:54

t875 we also have one last jar of beetroot that mum always did for my dh [ i dont like it] mum didnt like it either but she loved growing it then pickling it all.She also grew tomatoes and she didnt like those either ,she just loved growing vegetables.In fact in my freezer i have some uncut runner beans that mum gave me which she had grown when we came back after our last holiday together.I could not bear to throw them away and so i stuck them in my freezer.Of course they will never be edible but i just had to keep them.Dont we do some strange things really and isnt it odd what we cling on to.
well today i hope my mum is shining down on my niece as they are at this very moment waiting to hear they can go and get the keys to their very own home which mum enabled them to get.I am sure she is and would be so happy for them.
ssd It is very early days for you still and your grief is at its highest.You are quite normal in that your grief has taken over your life for now.But it does get better i promise you.Your world has been sent spinning and its so hard to comprehend a life without our loved ones and it takes quite a while to come to terms with it .You will get there.
kitten you are in my thoughts at this very sad time.

A tough day today. Mum's birthdaysad I've just spoken to Dad and he's struggling. He even said he's sent Mum a card but hasn't opened it yetsad I wish I could be with him, but he's nearly 5 hours away and I just couldn't manage it this week. We did see him last weekend though. I can't imagine how lonely he's feeling, at least I'll see dd and dh tonight. I've said again that he's welcome here anytime but he doesn't seem to want to leave the house just now.

Sorry blush have come on blurting out my woes.

Cobwebs things like that bring the feelings rushing back twentyfold. I don't really want to discuss with anyone how ill Mum was, it's hard enough talking about the happy times.

You'veCatToBeKittenMe you've done the bravest thing signing the papers. I hope your Dad slips away peacefully. I'm thinking of you.

ssd what you are feeling is entirely normal and right for you. It's very difficult seeing others unaffected by what is the hugest loss you can feel. Just focus on yourself and try to ignore their tactlessness.

t875 why don't you buy the tissues for yourself but search out ones that your Mum would like? Then as you use them you can think of your Mum? Small things sometimes do help...

Funnily enough there was a little white feather on our hedge when I came in from the school run. I struggle to believe they are signs, but it did still make me cry and I've kept itsmile so I guess I want to believe it's from Mum...

t875 Fri 16-Nov-12 12:18:46

Oh maybe thats lovely you got a feather, i believe it is spiritual, they are always on there own. I told my friend for the first time about the feathers she said she asked her grand for one and she had one as she was walking through the door at the side she saw a fluffy white feather.

I have also had them indoors, i had one (a small one) come down from the ceiling in my last job, i kid you not..i still cant believe it myself. But google white feathers and some of the stories from people will blow you away.

Thats a great idea about the tissues maybe i was meant to hear that from someone smile
THinking of you and your family today on your mums birthday,it is very hard..our went ok..sad but ok.
we had fish and chips, she loved that, let off a balloon, played songs she would have liked and we all had a cup cake and the girls had one with a candle and we said happy birthday mum/nanny, and blew out the candle. Do things that you know she will love, and what you guys would have done together. My mum done craft things with me, so i made her card from all my craft bits and hers which have been moved on to me. The children did too.

i bet the feather was her saying she is around you and knows you are thinking of her. xx

mummylin - also a great idea about the tissues, ill keep the packet smile i totally understand why you have the runner beans still, its amazing the things were doing to help us through keeping them with us. xx

ssd and everyone else, Thinking of you xx

mignonette Fri 16-Nov-12 16:32:51

You'veCat

Just follow your instincts...... As we all know, life goes on in the midst of life's ending. It is hard to juggle DC's with all their life, vitality and physical presence with a parent who is failing, slowly moving towards.....

I am thinking of you and wishing you peace of mind regarding the choices and decisions you have made and will continue to have to make.

You sound like a good Daughter, a caring and conscientious one and as a result, you will hopefully have the less complicated regretful grief that can arrive at the doors of those who leave things to others because they find it 'hard'...It is hard. There is no easy way, is there?

My brother couldn't be there when my Father died as he was trapped in mainland Europe (things moved unexpectedly fast) so I called my Brother and held the phone against my father's ear for a moment. He spoke quietly to him and regardless of whether DD heard/was aware, my Brother was able to 'be there' and to hear Dad's breathing. Maybe you could do this if your Aunt is able to speak on a mobile/ ward phone from her hospital bed? Anything to help your Aunt avoid that irrational guilt we often drum up after somebody dies, you know, the 'Could've, should've, would've' even when we could do no more.

My love to you and to everybody posting on these boards.

ssd Fri 16-Nov-12 17:32:50

someone said to me once

"the brave watch those who gave us life die, the cowards stay away"

I found this to be true in my life

mummylin Fri 16-Nov-12 18:15:43

maybe a sad day for you today.But do talk to and about your mum today on her birthday.send her a silent wish for her special day.You could even put a crd for her in an album or something.I have a album filed with sympathy cards ,cards from the flowers ,notices from the paper and photos of mum.Do whatever makes you feel close to her. I wrote this earlier today and didnt push post !!! so its now evening time and i hope the day has gone as well as possible.

t875 Fri 16-Nov-12 23:03:24

OMG cried buckets watching children in need!! Not great when you are already struggling sad

please tell me why i watched it, i normally jump through the sad bits, done that last year, who ever would have thought id be knowing places like cruse. sad

Thinking of you all, and hugs x

mummylin Sat 17-Nov-12 12:02:07

I didnt see it all but felt so sorry for the parents who have lost both their sons to a hideous illness.I dont know how they cope with it all.Its so unfair that young children have to have these terrible illnesses isnt it.Feeling very apathetic today so therefore cant be bothered to do anything much.Think im stressed out by all the bad things that have happened over the last week.On the brighter side of things my niece and her dh are so happy to of moved into their own home.The first thing she did was put up the picture of my mum in her hallway !! i thought that was lovely.Today they are getting two little ginger kittens !! they will have to watch out when they get their new furniture ! I think i would be a bit daunted at the thought of having a 40yr mortgage though.never heard of that before.

My dad died this morning

I sat with him for ages yesterday and it felt quite nice and peaceful
Feel a bit odd today.
Not overwhelmed with grief but not quite right.
I am glad that the waiting is over. It felt wrong to be waiting

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now