'What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.' Our journey after Beatrice

(804 Posts)

Beatrice died on 24th October aged 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day. She was buried on 2nd November. As she starts her new life as a butterfly, we are left on the ground feeling bewildered and bereft. I read a short piece at her funeral, and I stand by it:

'I often felt that being Beatrice's mum was much like holding a butterfly. I was in awe of her beauty and felt so privileged that she had chosen to come to me. But, much like a butterfly, I knew that one day she would spread her wings and fly away.

When Beatrice was one day old, a kind stranger shared this poem with me, and it sums up how I feel about Beatrice:

"A butterfly lights besides us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belongs to the world.
But then it flies once again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."

I feel so lucky to have been chosen as Beatrice's mum and I truly believe that the immense grief we must now suffer is still a small price to play for the love she brought into our lives.

Goodnight Beatrice'

I still feel her love in my heart, but I am struggling without her in my arms. I miss caring for her and kissing her. Looking at her and stroking her hair. Singing to her, always singing so many songs. I haven't sung a song since she died, but I don't want the music to leave my life as it means I have let the grief win.

Fly high little butterfly, but please don't forget all of us left behind who hold you, still so fragile, in our hearts and memories. Please don't forget me, Beatrice x

Astralabe Thu 24-Oct-13 19:18:53

A year marked so eleoquently in this thread. What a fabulous mother you are. Your girls are lucky. xxx

TCOB Thu 24-Oct-13 20:51:43

A special prayer for you, your beautiful baby daughter Beatrice Primrose, and all your family, tonight as on so many other nights. What a magnificent child, small but mighty. What an extraordinary love between you and her xxx

foofooyeah Fri 25-Oct-13 00:58:23

Something today made me think of Beatrice and I came on here to find out how you were. What a terribly sad year without your girl. Reading through your latest posts I am sure there was nothing different you could have done, but you will still questioning it. In time to come I hope you find peace in the fact that you were the very best mummy Beatrice could have had.

Love to you and your family and beautiful, unforgettable Beatrice.

pannetone Fri 25-Oct-13 10:27:57

Thinking of you Cup. Didn't manage to post yesterday but you, Beatrice and all the Tea set were very much in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing Beatrice with us Cup, she won't be forgotten and you will always be the amazing mother of three wonderful daughters. x

Rowgtfc72 Fri 25-Oct-13 14:16:06

Remembering the beautiful girl with the big eyes. Cup, thinking of you and your family x

Four4me Fri 25-Oct-13 18:36:43

Thinking of you cup xxx

Hugs to you all - have been thinking of you.

zebrafinch Sat 26-Oct-13 05:15:24

A hug from here. Beatrice was blessed with a wonderful mother, cup you did everything possible for her and more

wetaugust Sun 27-Oct-13 22:36:26

thanks

KateUnrulyBush Mon 28-Oct-13 08:50:24

Remembering Beautiful Bea and thinking of you cup xx

Lovethesea Mon 28-Oct-13 19:38:09

Hey Bea, thinking of you again. Praying God sends your beloved mother the comfort she needs. It wasn't her fault. None of this is her fault. It is. It is a horrific loss. You will be together again. This too shall pass and all will be well and all manner of things will be well.

Thank you so much for your kind messages. It still means a lot that she is remembered and that I can say her name here. Love you and miss you, Beatrice.

fhdl34 Sun 03-Nov-13 10:41:29

Bea will always be remembered by all of us. Those mesmerising eyes xx

MovingOnUpduffed Sun 10-Nov-13 09:34:15

I am another who thinks of you and Beatrice often. I have namechanged but was on your antenatal thread, my daughter is a week younger than Bea. I'm never any good at knowing what to say, but I wanted to thank you- your strength and honesty has been inspiring and in the hope of not sounding too soppy, you have helped me to be a better mum to my own dd when we have faced some rough times. Bea is always in my thoughts.

I remember Beatrice and you too Cup. We won't forget her. I notice you talk quite a bit in your posts about could you have done something differently. I wonder if the hospice consultant - there must be someone in overall medical charge - could talk that through with you? POssibly with Beatrice's notes from her last admission. Might help.

Hi cupoftea. Just to let you know that Bea is still remembered. X

BuntCadger Fri 15-Nov-13 23:46:32

Hi cup, I just wanted you to know that I still think of Beatrice and the test of the teaset xxxxx

bishboschone Sat 16-Nov-13 10:12:30

Me too... I think of you most days when I read on mumsnet . Bea has touched me and I won't forget her xx

MaryBerrysBlazer Wed 20-Nov-13 19:22:17

Hi Cup. I'm thinking of you and your beautiful wee girl

I found this poem the other day and I can't forget about it:
We fall to the earth like leaves
Lives as brief as footprints in snow
No words express the grief we feel
I feel I cannot let her go.
For she is everywhere.
Walking on the windswept beach
Talking in the sunlit square.
Next to me in the car
I see her sitting there.
At night she dreams me
and in the morning the sun does not rise.
My life is as thin as the wind
And I am done with counting stars.
She is gone, she is gone.
I am her sad music, and I play on, and on, and on.
(Roger McGough)
I have happier, easier days. I smile more often smile But she's always with me and that is a treasure. But some days, my mind won't stop replaying her death, and all I can think is, 'She is gone' and it cripples my heart. So when I saw this poem I thought, yes, I understand that.

I bought some Christmas presents this weekend for dds 1 and 2. I'm choked up that I can't give Beatrice a gift. I'm sad about Christmas coming, more so than last year I think. I don't want her gone, I want her in my arms on Christmas Day. I want to take a new picture of my three girls together. I would have bought them each a new outfit to wear, and taken loads of photos of them together.

I can't bear that I have seen every picture of Beatrice I will ever see. It's still incomprehensible that she's gone, that probably makes me sound mad.

Dutchoma Sun 24-Nov-13 21:41:51

Dear Cup, it doesn't sound mad at all. That is a beautiful poem. I can also understand that this year's Christmas is more difficult (iff possible) than last year. And I can understand that you feel 'thin as the wind'. I think of you often.

bishboschone Mon 25-Nov-13 09:21:10

Cup .. You are not sounding mad you are a lovely mum who misses precious Beatrice .

We have started to receive Christmas cards, and not one of them mentions Beatrice's name. It is like she was never a part of our family, not worthy of being remembered this Christmas time.

But I remember. She's in every thought I have. She lives through me, and I'll never let her go.

I'm sorry, you don't know me but I think of her often and have done since the day I heard she was born.
Please help me. I have a friend who has lost someone much too soon. I write 'Never forgetting *****' with the other names. Is that all right?

Trumpton Sat 07-Dec-13 21:54:23

Oh Cup. We remember Beatrice. I think of you so often. I was in church tonight and they have a festival of trees all twinkling with lights. I thought of your beautiful girl.

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