'What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.' Our journey after Beatrice

(778 Posts)

Beatrice died on 24th October aged 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day. She was buried on 2nd November. As she starts her new life as a butterfly, we are left on the ground feeling bewildered and bereft. I read a short piece at her funeral, and I stand by it:

'I often felt that being Beatrice's mum was much like holding a butterfly. I was in awe of her beauty and felt so privileged that she had chosen to come to me. But, much like a butterfly, I knew that one day she would spread her wings and fly away.

When Beatrice was one day old, a kind stranger shared this poem with me, and it sums up how I feel about Beatrice:

"A butterfly lights besides us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belongs to the world.
But then it flies once again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."

I feel so lucky to have been chosen as Beatrice's mum and I truly believe that the immense grief we must now suffer is still a small price to play for the love she brought into our lives.

Goodnight Beatrice'

I still feel her love in my heart, but I am struggling without her in my arms. I miss caring for her and kissing her. Looking at her and stroking her hair. Singing to her, always singing so many songs. I haven't sung a song since she died, but I don't want the music to leave my life as it means I have let the grief win.

Fly high little butterfly, but please don't forget all of us left behind who hold you, still so fragile, in our hearts and memories. Please don't forget me, Beatrice x

TCOB Mon 16-Sep-13 22:41:07

Thinking of Beatrice Primrose tonight. A little girl who made me see things differently - thank you, Bea, and hugs to your mummy, daddy and sisters x

fhdl34 Tue 17-Sep-13 08:04:12

Hi Cup
I hope you and the teaset were able to enjoy your holiday in France. I woke this morning and for some reason thought of Bea (I was pregnant first time when you were with Bea). I felt her birthday must be sometime soon and now I see I missed it by a day. I'm sorry about that, she is often in my thoughts, as are you all.
I hope you got through yesterday ok, and belated happy returns to you Bea, wherever you are with those beautiful big eyes xxx

LindySfarne Tue 17-Sep-13 09:39:40

Remembering gorgeous little Bea with her beautiful chubby cheeks and knowing eyes. Hugs for you cup x

MrsHende Sat 21-Sep-13 20:09:38

Thinking of you all, I'm also from the antenatal thread and I know we all think often of you and Bea, especially at special occasions.xx

Lovethesea Sat 21-Sep-13 22:25:52

Hello Cup family and beautiful Bea.

Thinking of you all and often. I recall those fantastic photos of your wonderful daughter.

Praying you have the support and comfort you need now and always.

saffronwblue Sun 22-Sep-13 10:22:03

Another one remembering your precious daughter. X

KateUnrulyBush Thu 26-Sep-13 13:56:55

Thinking of you Cup xx

ChestyNut Sat 28-Sep-13 17:31:43

How are the tea set?

Wishing you strength and remembering Bea and her beautiful big eyes

thanks

DazR Sat 05-Oct-13 22:43:26

Just found u again. Want to say that I felt privileged to be able to follow your journey with Bea. You are a truly fantastic mum and I wish you and your family strength and peace as you continue in your lives. xx

Night times are so hard. I sleep with her dress and vest under my pillow, and I have her musical bunny and her big zebra cushion on my bed. I hoped having something of hers close to me at night time would bring me some comfort and maybe good dreams. But she's never there. I just dream of her being gone, so there's no respite from my pain and my loneliness. Awake or asleep I always feel so alone.

If you saw me, you'd probably tell me I'm 'doing so well' (that seems to be the stock phrase for anyone who actually bothers to note that I am a grieving mother- most people appear to have long forgotten I ever had a third daughter). I'm keeping busy, so that I survive. I smile a lot and joke around, but I've no idea how, when my heart is broken. I shouldn't be breathing, never mind surviving. Somehow my traitorous body keeps me going, even though I'd love to close my eyes and be with her again.

The world just keeps going on around me and it's so damn unfair. Almost a year without her, and to the world, everything has moved on. To me, I am in purgatory- not alive, not yet dead.

I'm so, so sad.

In real life I go to work, go to the gym, spend time with my daughters and husband and occasionally see friends if I have time. I wear a positive mask and most people would assume I am fine and dandy. I wish I could scream at the world tonight that in fact I am far from fine and there's nothing at all that can make me feel better.

I just don't understand why she didn't get better that last time, and I'll take that pain and confusion to the grave. My poor, darling girl with her beautiful, trusting eyes. All gone.

cup just to say I'm thinking of you and understanding a bit about the pain that never goes away. x

Rowgtfc72 Thu 17-Oct-13 12:23:06

No consolation really but we here havent forgotten the beautiful Bea, I have no helpful words but can only tell you youre in my thoughts x

TCOB Mon 21-Oct-13 12:36:12

Thinking of you and Bea, and how proud she would be of her amazing mother - carrying on all the time, making life 'normal' for her family, and feeling all the time the awful pain of not having her with you to hold. But please believe she hasn't really gone - she's gone when you, and us, don't think of her anymore, and that will simply not happen. It's just not fair that she is not with you in your arms and I know that anything else is never going to be enough. I'm so sorry.

oakmouse Tue 22-Oct-13 17:08:09

cup I have followed Beatrice's journey from the beginning but never posted before. I think of her, and all of you often. I learnt so much from her. I cannot say how sorry I am she could not stay longer leaving you with such dreadful, unrelenting pain and loss, but thank you so much for sharing her with us, your beautiful, beautiful, darling little butterfly. I am so sorry, so very, very sorry.

janey68 Tue 22-Oct-13 18:27:32

It's so wrong, so unfair. I wish there was something we could do or say to help ease the pain. But please know that Beatrice is remembered every day.

BiscuitsandBaileys Tue 22-Oct-13 19:32:55

Cup I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you as Thursday approaches.
I have no wise words for you, just lots of {hugs}
xx

wokeupwithasmile Tue 22-Oct-13 20:50:21

I looked at Beatrice's pictures and I can see what you mean about 'the butterfly'. She was a real cutie. All your daughters seem really full of life.

I'm thinking tonight, what could I have done differently this time last year? How could I have saved her? If only I'd never gone to sleep, then she wouldn't have had any morphine, maybe she would have pulled through? She always got better. I can't understand why she didn't that last time. She was so uncomfortable this night. She was thrashing around in pain with her chest infection. I hated to see her like that. I want to remember her peaceful times when we just lay together. I'd do anything, give anything to go back. I don't know what I'd do differently, but I wish I had the chance to try.

Dutchoma Wed 23-Oct-13 21:20:23

You've been in my mind so much Cup. Just wish I could hug you and make you feel better, but I know I can't sad

Trumpton Thu 24-Oct-13 06:31:50

Thinking of you and sending you loving thoughts. You and your butterfly girl will be in many hearts and minds .

saffronwblue Thu 24-Oct-13 06:50:37

Thinking of you cup and your precious daughter.

lucidlady Thu 24-Oct-13 07:35:09

Thinking of you, Bea and your family x

MABS Thu 24-Oct-13 07:45:07

All my love x

Dutchoma Thu 24-Oct-13 09:09:43

Many prayers for you as you remember your darling butterfly. May you feel strength and peace and the comfort of the Holy Spirit.

eightytwenty Thu 24-Oct-13 13:10:27

Thinking of you today, as I often do, cup.

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