'What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.' Our journey after Beatrice

(773 Posts)

Beatrice died on 24th October aged 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day. She was buried on 2nd November. As she starts her new life as a butterfly, we are left on the ground feeling bewildered and bereft. I read a short piece at her funeral, and I stand by it:

'I often felt that being Beatrice's mum was much like holding a butterfly. I was in awe of her beauty and felt so privileged that she had chosen to come to me. But, much like a butterfly, I knew that one day she would spread her wings and fly away.

When Beatrice was one day old, a kind stranger shared this poem with me, and it sums up how I feel about Beatrice:

"A butterfly lights besides us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belongs to the world.
But then it flies once again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."

I feel so lucky to have been chosen as Beatrice's mum and I truly believe that the immense grief we must now suffer is still a small price to play for the love she brought into our lives.

Goodnight Beatrice'

I still feel her love in my heart, but I am struggling without her in my arms. I miss caring for her and kissing her. Looking at her and stroking her hair. Singing to her, always singing so many songs. I haven't sung a song since she died, but I don't want the music to leave my life as it means I have let the grief win.

Fly high little butterfly, but please don't forget all of us left behind who hold you, still so fragile, in our hearts and memories. Please don't forget me, Beatrice x

Dutch I had planned to go to Lourdes as a helper, but due to the flooding, the group's usual hotel was damaged so they are taking a smaller group to a smaller hotel. Ergo, they don't need my help this year. However, as dh had booked the week off work to look after dd1 and 2, we decided to use that week to go as a family, without a key member of course, to France. So we leave on Saturday. I feel bittersweet about the trip- I just keep thinking back to this time last year as I was chasing around to get Bea's passport sorted in time! I remember the man in the passport office began to cry, he was upset he said, because Beatrice was going to die. I thought at the time, 'Not yet ages not!', but I guess it turns out he was right.

Dutchoma Tue 20-Aug-13 20:24:43

Yes, it will be bittersweet to go to Lourdes without Bea. I pray that you will find some sort of peace in such a special place with such special memories. How I remember your frantic dash for Bea's passport and how we all prayed that you would do it. So much prayer went into her whole little life, so much love, so much sweetness, hold on tight and let all comfort come to you.

Sorry I wasn't clear, we aren't going to Lourdes, we are going to Normandy/Brittany. But I have asked the group to light a candle in Lourdes for Beatrice smile

Hope you have a lovely time.

Dutchoma Tue 20-Aug-13 22:12:53

Oh, I see, I misunderstood, sorry. My 'lady-on-the-bus' has also promised to light a candle for Beatrice.

TCOB Thu 22-Aug-13 18:09:21

All good wishes for a peaceful family break. Bea's in your heart, of course, and in the hearts of so many others who weren't lucky enough to know her, but I can't imagine the pain of wanting her in your arms as well. Hoping you make some more lovely memories to sit alongside those of Bea's incredible journey last year x

zebrafinch Thu 22-Aug-13 23:12:25

I had a look at the photo of Beatrice's headstone, it is beautiful. Then I scrolled down again through the other photos you have posted and was reminded of just how much Beatrice did , Cup in the face of a lot of difficulties, you gave her such a full life . It still amazes me that you took her to the mountains.

bishboschone Sat 24-Aug-13 13:55:17

I think of you and Beatrice often cup . More than I probably should but I have a son who was born around the same time as bea who also has special needs. I know I'm only a poster and it doesn't mean anything but bea and you touched so many lives and made such an impact on me .. If I'm having a bad day I take strength from your experience and how much you love that little girl. Take care of yourself xx

Hi cup, popped in to say I still think about Bea a lot, hope you all have a nice time away and make some happy memories. Will be thinking of you and Bea on her birthday. Xx

(Name changed was LittlePebble on your antenatal thread)

Mumsnut Sun 08-Sep-13 13:37:59

I hope the Teaset has a good trip. I'll be thinking of you all on 16th September, and especially of Bea. Wishing you strength.

(I was Carole Service)

Trumpton Wed 11-Sep-13 03:16:31

Awake and you came into my mind so am posting to say that I am thinking of you and your gorgeous girl.

Thank you so much for staying with us, it means more than you could ever, ever know.
bishboschone Of course you are not just a poster! Every person who has posted on one of Beatrice's threads is very appreciated :-) I hope your little one is doing well?
I am very scared about Monday. I just miss her so much and wish her birthday could be so very, very different.
My darling girl xxx

Trumpton Sun 15-Sep-13 04:22:20

I will be thinking of you all on Bea's birthday. Your special little butterfly who touched so many hearts.
Her secret smile and the lights she loved, the love that your bigger girls showed so clearly.
You are in so many people's thoughts.
I will have a birthday candle lit for her.

RatherBeOnThePiste Mon 16-Sep-13 09:36:36

Thinking of the beautiful Bea, as always, but especially today on her birthday. You are all close in my thoughts, sending much love, big hugs Xx

Mumsnut Mon 16-Sep-13 09:37:23

(((((())))))

Thinking of you all

Asheth Mon 16-Sep-13 09:58:10

Thinking of you and your family, Cup on Bea's second birthday. My heart goes out to you today, but I also pray that you can celebrate every second of her precious life. Your beautiful girl will never be forgotten. xxx

LemonEmmaP Mon 16-Sep-13 10:08:14

Thinking of you all on Bea's second birthday. I hope she is playing somewhere among the stars. xxx

NomDeClavier Mon 16-Sep-13 10:23:42

Thinking of you today. Happy birthday, beautiful butterfly Bea.

AuldAlliance Mon 16-Sep-13 16:23:07

Thinking of you, of Bea and of all the Teaset.
xxx

Rowgtfc72 Mon 16-Sep-13 20:57:07

Cup, thinking of you and all your family today, especially Bea x

bumpybecky Mon 16-Sep-13 21:10:04

thinking of you all today xx

Badvoc Mon 16-Sep-13 21:22:38

Haven't been around for a while cup...but I am thinking of you and Bea today x

Cup, I have not been on your thread for a very long time, but am glad to have come across it today, of all days.
I am sure it will be a bitter-sweet day for you - the second anniversary of your butterfly arriving to join your family all too soon and far too short. Beautiful Beatrice.
Wishing you all love and light x.

bishboschone Mon 16-Sep-13 22:03:41

Thinking of you today cup and especially Beatrice .. X

Thank you so much everyone x

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