I was 11 when my father died 45 years ago and I can only remember certain things about him or what my mother used to say about him. There is a great sense of what might have been but I have'nt yet explored that. Are you any only child ? Have you been able to speak to your mother/siblings and gather together a picture of what he was like ? Photographs ? Can you see anything of him in you ? I'm sorry that you were so small when he died?