My DH is dying

(66 Posts)
cakeslover Wed 10-Oct-12 09:49:31

I think I just need to write it down and maybe there's someone out there who could help me on how to deal with my DC.
My DH was diagnosed with tongue cancer on february when we were on holidays in our native Italy. He decided on having his treatment here and postpone the return to the UK for as long as it was needed.
He then went trough a major op to remove part of his tongue and some lymph nodes. After that he went trough two more ops. After the third one, he has suffered a respiratory arrest with severe brain damage and went into a coma. It is been 4 months already, he's not conscious and now we've found out that his tumour is spreading fast.
We have 2 DC, DD1 (4 yo) and DD2 (18 month old).
My eldest hasn't seen her daddy for 4 months already, and knows his asleep, very ill and that the doctors were trying to find a very rare medicine to make him better. She misses her daddy, her home, school and friends.
I am trying to find some kind of psychological support for her, and trying to reassure her that mummy is still here and is going nowhere. But understandably she's very clingy and stressed.
In the meanwhile I have move all our stuff from London here and rented a new home for us. Thankfully I have my mum who moved here with us, who's more than helpful (we are in his birth city).
Is there anyone who could pls help me on how to deal with my DDs feelings, how to cope with life without the best husband and father?
We are still fairly young (early 30s) and life seems to have ended for me.

cakeslover Mon 15-Oct-12 09:56:32

I am in Emilia Romagna but thank you!
Thank you for the advice Mummy and Bossy.
I am not able to hold back my tears every time I am in the hospital.. It is shitty of me, I wish I could be stronger and calmer in front of him but the overwhelming feeling is too much.
My dd have been soo angry. today she put on a big fight insisting on not going to school, crying her eyes out, a major trantrum. I tried my best to ignore (after talking to her and been ignored myself) so went to take dd2 to the nursery. When I came back she had calm down (with my mum) and is now watching tv, very quietly.
I am at the end of my tether with her, have no idea on how to deal when she's like this. I've tried talking sternly and gently about how important it is for children to go to school (it's a place to learn lovely things and have fun), tried to persuade her in any way, rewards, the lot. Nothing seems to work, I have no strength to fight her in the mornings anymore (she's been hard work since always, but got much worse in the past month).
She spent the weekend at my ILs so I don't know if she heard something or was just unsettled by the surroundings that remind us so much of DH.

duchesse Mon 15-Oct-12 10:10:51

No advice but just wanted to say I am thinking of you at this difficult time.

Rosa Mon 15-Oct-12 11:27:40

Its only a train ride away if needed xx

I would try to insist with your DD and take her as the routine or normal life will be important for her and I believe help her , Of course she can sense your stress and worry and so she plays on it. Mine does the same but in a much smaller way obviously , If I am stressed then she can feel it . My eldest doesn't really but No2 can. Try saying right tomorrow Grandma will take DD2 to nursery and you and I will go to school together , maybe we will stop on teh way ( if possible) for a croissant or something similar. Just time the two of you together.
Your small one will adjust much better as she is still learning life and my guess is she will accept it but DD1 will be watching and observing all you do and it sounds as if she is playing on it as well.
SO glad you have your mum to help....
If you feel like it over on Little Italy ( Other subjects) we are a nice bunch should you ever pop in you will be most welcome.....

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt Mon 15-Oct-12 15:42:37

We all have to cry cakes, maybe it happens at your dh's bedside because it is the only place you have time to cry? I imagine you are rushing around everywhere making sure everyone is sorted, then the moment you sit down - bam.

If you would like to take your dc into ICU are there things that can be done to make it less scary? Put a blanket over your dh so the nappy isn't visible? Would more sedation for the period when your dc are there stop the eye rolling? If it is something you would like to pursue speak to his nurse.

Sounds like your dd is finding it tough too. It can be hard enough to cope with your own emotions, never mind others too, I take my hat off to you.

ssd Wed 17-Oct-12 09:05:49

I'm so sorry, cakes, I really am x

Onlyjoking Wed 17-Oct-12 09:56:00

So sorry you are in this situation sad
You will get Throu this, it won't feel like its even possible right now.
Talking to children about death and dying is something we feel unprepared for.
Be honest in answering any questions don't give to much information in one go, Macmillian suggested to us that children only ask questions when they want to know stuff and it shouldn't be rushed.
There are lots of books for after someone dies but little about the preparation.
Our children were 14 14 and 11 when their dad died four years ago they have autism which makes things difficult for them to understand. The stuff I used for them might be useful to your eldest child, muddles puddles and sunshine is a really good workbook for young children.
If I can help in any way I'm just a keyboard away.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Wed 17-Oct-12 10:20:35

Don't feel bad for crying when you are there, I'm sure your DH would understand x I'm sitting here crying for you - it's so, so unfair sad

I can't offer any advice or suggestions that haven't aready been given, I just wanted to send you love & strength & let you know our thoughts are with you. Afterwards, you will learn to dance in the rain - life wont ever be the same again and it wont be what you planned, but you will learn to live alongside that and it will be OK, hopefully better than 'ok'.

Rosa Wed 17-Oct-12 12:34:33

Cakes how are things with DD? Can Imagine how you are x

cakeslover Sat 20-Oct-12 20:22:55

Thank you so much for all the messages. Thank you!
Rosa the psicologist that I've been seen at the hospital told me exactly the same, and that I should allowed myself to relax sometimes (joking, dressing well, going out with friends) so Dd will feel is ok for her to not be sad and enjoy her little world. That she might be using me as a mirror now.
I've been as well to a children's psycologist and for now she will try working on my daughter trough me. So it was our first session and I had to answer and explain the whole situation of course. She has advised me not prepare her for the worst but at the same time not giving her hope. Need to stay juggling the situation exactly how I've been doing so far, giving plenty of attention, do not bend the rules and answer her questions in the most honest way possible (age wise).
Dd is getting used on not having daddy home anymore, she talks about him but is not counting on him IYKWIM.
Some days I feel stronger and cant wait to start a new life but sometimes it really drags me down and I miss him so much. It's very hard to see the girls growing up and developing and not be able to share it with him.
Onlyjoking thank you for the advise. I hope you and your boys are well smile

t875 Sat 20-Oct-12 23:11:14

I am so sorry to read what you are going through cakes lover, thinking of you all x

TheAccidentalExhibitionist Thu 25-Oct-12 20:08:15

I've been hovering..

I just wanted to pass on a big hug over the Internet.
Am I right in thinking you are still in Italy? How are you and your DC coping with the language and the health system?

You sound so brave cakeslover.

I am so sorry you are going through this....it's horrendous and I cannot even imagine how you are feeling...your words strike me as so very brave

I'm thinking of you all xxxx

I'm so sorry. What a heartbreaking situation. You've been given good advice and I just wanted to send you a hug.

ImperialBlether Fri 09-Nov-12 20:25:21

What a desperately sad situation.

Please excuse me if you've already done this, but has your daughter made anything that you could take to her father, such as a painting? I know she's too young to write but could you buy a card and let her write kisses on it? Could she choose a photo of you all which you could take to the hospital to put by his bedside? Choose some flowers for him?

It sounds as though you've had a really awful time; I'm so glad your mum is there for you.

riskit4abiskit Fri 16-Nov-12 18:50:07

Oh I am sobbing over this thread, its so very sad. You sound like you are coping so very well with the circumstances. Best wishes to all your family.

Xenia Sat 17-Nov-12 10:04:20

How sad. So awful so unfair,. How good of your mother to come out to Italy to be with you all. You are doing very well. It is a terrible situation.

Is your 4 year old so unhappy about going to school because she was used to England and English and suddenly she is in an Italian school.

Should she see her father even if only for 2 or 3 minutes so she can visualise where he is and how sick he is?

Sorry to ask but had he made a will and have you looked at financial things in Italy and UK once the worst has happened?

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