For anyone who is grieving for one of their parents

(421 Posts)
mummylin Thu 27-Sep-12 14:06:16

I have started a new thread as i was having trouble loading up the old one I will link the two together if poss.

Solo Sun 30-Sep-12 19:25:54

You're welcome mummylin I'm glad to help. Thank you for your thoughts.x

Dizzydora71 Sun 30-Sep-12 22:05:24

Hello everyone. Its been 10 months since my dad passed away he was in remission from throat cancer for 2 years . He started getting sore throats pain,couldnt keep food down.Went into hospital for pneumonia where they found shadow on xray.Was told he had a year to live then 8 weeks .it was such a shock he lasted 10 weeks and passed away in a hospice. I have good and bad days . But feel now people expect me to be over it and make me feel awkward on my bad days x

oneandnomore Sun 30-Sep-12 22:52:09

So sorry for everyone's losses. Sending hugs and peace to you all.
I lost my dad 7 years ago, and my mum 5 years ago. All I can say is, yes, the grief and pain are terrible, it is a truly awful time.
But you will learn to live with it, because we have to for our children, family. I don't allow myself to think of the last days with them, and I do still have very down times. Counselling can help, I had CBT but am not sure it really helped me, but I have a friend who has ongoing counselling and she gets a lot from it.

Remember the happy times, our parents wouldn't want us to be so very sad.

mummylin Sun 30-Sep-12 22:52:46

Dizzydora71 sorry you have had to join us here.It appears that you lost your dad about the same time i lost my mum.I dont know about you ,but it still seems like only last week.You are right in saying that people expect you to have " got over it " They can only see the outside persona of us,they dont see the heartache we are feeling inside.And i think to some extent its probably our own fault, because when someone asks me how i am i just say " im fine thanks " when really im feeling the exact opposite ! Im sorry you didnt get as long with your dad as you had expected.

mummylin Sun 30-Sep-12 22:57:01

oneandnomore you have had a sad few years and double the grief.Im glad to see that you say you can now live with it.I will be happy when i get to be able to say that.I know it will come one day,but for me its not in the near future.At least eventually we will all have some peace of mind and better acceptance of what has happened.You have shown that.

Dizzydora71 Sun 30-Sep-12 23:06:42

Hi mummylin. I just remember how people treated me when my dad died , it was like they didnt know what to say to me or avoid me. Now people ask you how you are but you can see by their faces they dont really want to know. I dont think it helped with me that my dads gf kept talking funeral arrangements over my dads bed while in the hospice. I couldnt cope with what she was saying spent most of time crying.She totally turned on my brothers and sisters when she realised my dad didnt bequeath her any money went mental calling my brothers and sisters all tbe names under the sun.She wouldnt let us help with the funeral or wake.

mummylin Sun 30-Sep-12 23:57:14

Oh thats awful Dizzy,sounds like you had a terrible situation in the family.As if losing your dad wasnt bad enough.How cruel to talk about his funeral while he was in the hospice. I was very lucky ,we had nothing like that to cope with.My neighbour who has lived next door to me for about 26 yrs has not even to this day acknowledged my mums death.And i am pretty pissed off about it ,because when his wife went off and he was left with the childen ,my mum knitted for them as he had no money.He has not even said " sorry to hear about your mum " just nothing at all .So i barely speak to him anymore.I felt / feel very hurt

mummylin Mon 01-Oct-12 11:14:30

can anyone please leave a link to this thread on the thread that solo has linked to.I dony know why but my comp will not allow me to do it or even open the old thread.TIA

wisden Mon 01-Oct-12 11:19:13

Glad I found this thread. Soon it will be 20years since my mum died suddenly, have spent more than half my life without her. Still miss her. The pain isn't as raw but it is still there, like a dull ache. Bizarrely (sp) I still get the odd moment when I think of ringing her to tell her about something the DC have done but yet she never knew me as an adult or as a parent. I still dream about her, only a couple of times of year but the dreams are so vivid it is like I can touch her.
Sorry to those who have lost parents more recently, it is crap, really crap.

crazy8 Mon 01-Oct-12 11:35:46

It was two years yesterday that I lost my dad. I still can't believe he isn't here any more. He spoilt me and made feel so loved. Sometimes I feel i am mangaing the pain of grief and on other days I miss him so much I can't breathe.

My dad was I'll for a while but he was so strong that he overcame every hurdle. I truly believed he would be here forever. We had our arguments but we never held a grudge. I still hear him shouting at me to sort out my car!

I feel so incredibly sad that he is not here enjoying his grandchildren. He loved them so very much. He would secretly give my DD chocolate which we only found out about recently and my DS loved helping him fix things.

Sometimes I pretend he is just in the other room or when I am my parents house I pretend he is tending the garden. I would do anything to give him another hug. Sometimes when my phone rings I think for a split second it's my dad calling me. Then I remember.

I miss him so much. Thank you for this thread, I really needed it today. I feel so alone but it helps that I am not the only one who feels this pain.

Solo Mon 01-Oct-12 15:08:20

I will do that now mummylin

Solo Mon 01-Oct-12 15:10:32

Done! should've thought of it before really.

mummylin Mon 01-Oct-12 15:27:11

crazy8 i havent done it with my mum ,but when my sister died i used to imagine she was in australia ! that way she was still alive.I hope you managed to cope with the anniversary yesterday.I have started to mope about the forth coming day already as its the beginning of the month that my mum died.I have no idea how to switch of my mind about it and as it gets closer i think i will get more and more upset.Isnt it strange how so many of us still associate the phone with our mums / dads even though we know they are not here.
solo thanks for that.Think i need a new comp!
wisden I cant imagine spending 20yrs without my mum.But im sure your memories are as clear today as when she died.Our mums are so special aren't they.I know i will never be the same person again.

mummylin Mon 01-Oct-12 15:29:34

I do get quite annoyed with my dh ,who seems to act as though nothing has happened and that i am now " back to normal " Do any of you get the same thing ?

Solo Mon 01-Oct-12 15:31:39

You know; I sometimes text my Dad's mobile phone number. I tell him about whatever and I tell him how much I miss him etc...I kinda like doing it ~ it's comforting. Would be one hell of a shock if I got a reply though!

Pammym Mon 01-Oct-12 16:48:39

Shanks - sorry, just realised I got completely muddled up with my post the other day and addressed it to you but it was about someone else. Huge apologies, hope I didn't upset you. x

hellymelly Mon 01-Oct-12 16:53:24

It was my Dad's funeral on Friday, so i'm still in the shocked stage. Somehow the funeral was bearable, I didn't even properly cry, I was holding it all in as my brother was a broken man and my Mum is elderly and frail. Then the next day I caved in and I feel terrible. Its all so raw I wasn't sure if I could post but here I am. I suddenly realised yesterday that this year there would be no birthday card from Dad, and that one thought was devastating.

Dinosaurhunter Mon 01-Oct-12 17:51:08

Mummylin - I totally understand the husband thing , but for me it's some of my friends , I had to listen today to someone talking about her fish dying and she was actually crying ! I just wanted to shout my MUM has died and I'm not at the school gates crying , but once I have these thoughts I feel really selfish and realise its all relative .

Dinosaurhunter Mon 01-Oct-12 17:55:54

Hellymelly - so sorry for the loss your dad those early days are so hard and feel like a bad dream , I have so many people around me but feel so lonely without mum like I'm the only one in pain ? Anyone else feel like that .

lovemydogs Mon 01-Oct-12 19:56:43

hi
my mum died 10 years ago and my dad 10 months ago - I am never married, no kids, early 40s. All my friends still have both parents, most are married with children. Alot of the time I feel that I will never be happy again. I still feel too young to be on my own. I gave up work for 2 years to care for my father. It was a draining couple of years but would do it a million times over as we were never close before and we became closer. I get upset as I feel people expect me to be over losing my dad - especially my boyfriend who says "sweetheart, be positive, you are young and pretty and will have plenty of money". I feel angry as well. As I said, I do have a bf but we do not live together and he is very much a pull yourself together sort of person. I still feel that I need my parents. I think about my dad all the time. Feel sad, feel guilty, feel relieved in a way as he had no quality of life (feel bad for saying that), just feel messed up. Am seeing a therapist but it is slow going. Have ended up as a bit of a binge eater too.
Thanks for reading xxxx

Pammym Mon 01-Oct-12 21:12:17

Hellymelly - so very sorry, it's all so fresh and raw for you. I lost my lovely dad in April and it has left such a huge unfillable gap in my life. I am doing ok most days but some days the grief just hits me again like a ton of bricks. Be kind to yourself, cry lots and please keep posting on here. It is certainly helping me.

Dinosaurhunter - I relate to you wanting to shout about your mum dying when others are complaining about relatively trivial stuff. A friend of mine was moaning because her mum lives too far away and she can't see her often enough - I felt like shouting 'at least you still have your mum!'. It's really hard sometimes to be sympathetic...

crazy8 Mon 01-Oct-12 23:56:33

Mummylin and lovemydogs, I get the husband/partner thing. Although my DH tries to be understanding and he thinks he's really sensitive sometimes he says the strangest of things. A few days after my dad passed away my DH told me about all the wonderful people I would meet in the future like my DC's partners I was like huh! confused. I had to explain that actually my dad had died he hadn't gone on holiday when he told me that his mum was as lonely as my mum because his dad was away for 2 weeks. Again confused!!

crazy8 Tue 02-Oct-12 00:18:58

Mummylin - you are so right about associating the phone with our parents. I can't bear it if my phone isn't charged as I have this feeling that my dad may not be able to get through to me. I was so used to seeing him or speaking to him everyday.

Dinosaurhunter - I realise now that I was probably one of those people who didn't understand grief. I think if someone hasn't lost anyone dear to them they have such a different perception to ours. I read somewhere after my dad died that by being bereaved, I was now part of the biggest club in humanity.

I am so incredibly sorry for everyone's loss on this thread. I found a lot of comfort in talking to people who knew my dad and could tell me about the times they shared with him. Also having photographs on my phone that I could look at whenever I wanted to.

mummylin Tue 02-Oct-12 00:21:03

hellymelly.I know how you feel abput the birthday card ,but do you have one from previous years ? if so stick it up on your birthday.Thats what i did at Xmas and on my birthday.Just a little thing but it made me feel a bit better to see the card saying " to my daughter" I understand your devastation,it is so new and raw for you,but if we can help you we will.
Dinosaurhunter yes i do know what you mean when you say you feel like the only person.i too have felt like that and could not understand how the world was still going on just the same.I would look at people and think * dont they know my mum has died "
lovemydogs if only it was as easy as pulling yourself together ! i suppose for people who have not lost a parent yet they cant possibly understand the depth of the grief,but i do think that people can be very thoughtless sometimes.
Pammym i wish that i could be unhappy because my mum was living somewhere else.I would give anything to know that she had simply moved away. I at least would be able to phone her and hear her voice.I have her on lots of videos ,but i havent played them because i cant face it .I know i just would not be able to stop the tears.But i expect one day i will find them a comfort,just not now.
crazy8 my dh was merrily singing away the otherday to a hymn that was playing on the tele.I glared then shouted at him to shut up as it was one of the hymns we had for mums funeral.Agh ! sometimes i despair.
Hope i didnt leave anyone out.Do any of you feel sick with the terrible feelings that sometimes just come out of the blue ? I can be fine ,then one little thing and i get this awful sick empty feeling inside and i feel my eyes start to prick.But i know its best to cry.When my sister died my mum stayed withus for ten weeks,I did not cry because i didnt want to upset anyone any more than what they were.This was the house where everyone came .So i had to be strong.But ten months later i had to be off work for three months with depression.It was horrible so you see it dosent do you any good to keep it all bottled up.Right off to bed now.Thanks everyone for posting on this thread.Its comforting.

BiscuitsandBaileys Tue 02-Oct-12 10:06:20

Hi everyone. I posted at the end of the last thread for the first time about losing my mum. It's been almost 10 months now and I still find it hard to believe sad
I think people think I'm fine because I laugh and chat but what no-one knows is that I'm not alright. I'm not good at talking about my feelings so I just carry on as normal. I think about my mum all the time and I miss her so much.

Dinosaurhunter I know how you feel about the woman crying about her fish. The office where I work had a cat that came in every day for food, a couple of weeks ago it had to be put to sleep and everyone was in tears. I'm standing there thinking it's a cat, and not even their cat either. I've lost my mum ffs.
Probably really selfish of me.

mummylin Thank you for starting this new thread. It is comforting to know I'm not alone feeling this way.

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