For anyone who is grieving for one of their parents

(421 Posts)
mummylin Thu 27-Sep-12 14:06:16

I have started a new thread as i was having trouble loading up the old one I will link the two together if poss.

mummylin Thu 27-Sep-12 14:51:28

I do hope that you will all be able to find it.I wasnt able to link to the old one.Think its time for a new computer.

Pammym Thu 27-Sep-12 15:00:01

Have just found this thread. I lost my lovely Dad in April and I am still raw with grief - it is the hardest thing I have had to deal with. My mum died 6 years ago when I was pregnant with my DS and that was hard but now I have lost both it is almost unbearable some days.

My Dad lived with my sister and I used to see him once a month or so, he would come and stay with me some weekend and we'd speak regularly. Problem is that I go through some days and almost kid myself that his death hasn't really happened and then it will suddenly hit me like a fist in the chest that actually it has and I have grief stricken again. I feel so sad that my children didn't have more time to know him - he absolutely adored them. I think I have been quite depressed too. My patience with the children is quite short, I have been drinking lots of wine and eating too much. I am dreading Christmas already.

mummylin Thu 27-Sep-12 16:56:28

Pammym i am so sorry that you are having to go through this terrible time too.There are so many of us.I also think my mum is still here with me.I have got a bit further on than you because my mum died before Xmas last year and so we had the "first" on quite soon after she died.Its such a terible time isnt it.I actuall coped with Xmas as for the first time ever i had my day arranged by famly and i didnt have to do anything.I found being with others helped enormously.It was new years eve that was the worst for me and i could not even go to my sons new years eve party.I stayed at home and just cried.What i am dreading now is getting to the first anniversary of mums death.I did do something to make me feel a little better at xmas time ,i put up one of the previous cards that my mum had sent me and dh ,so i still had a card that said " to my daughter" I still cannot believe she isnt here and i dont know when it will all feel real.he last few months i think i have been in a constant dream world ,despite being executor [ along with a brother ] and having to do so much.Now if you asked me how we went about things ,i would say " i have no idea" iI just signed where i was told to,and my brother took control,thank god.You will find that others feel the same as you in so many ways,and it does help to speak to people in the same position.

Pammym Thu 27-Sep-12 22:01:27

(((()))) thanks mummylin. So sorry for your loss. My GP recommended counselling but actually I think threads like yours are sometimes as helpful - just need to vent how I feel to others who know. xxx

Hi there,

My dad died at the end of May. I still don't know how I feel - relieved in a way because he'd been ill for such a very long time, and it was the right thing for him (and for my Mum who was his carer for so long). But increasingly sad that he isn't here any more. It's really taking its time to sink in but I feel as though it's starting to impact on me now, and the sadness is replacing the relief that he isn't suffering any more.

The odd thing is that I haven't really cried much. I hadn't seen him since November because we live abroad, but I know he knew how much I loved him. I feel guilty about the lack of tears, but if I start to feel sad I actively push the thought away. Maybe if I start I'll be overwhelmed!

Anyway, I went to a reflexologist last night and at the end she said that my kidneys were struggling a bit and asked how much water I drank a day. When I told her that it was almost 3 litres, she immediately said, "Aah, then it's an emotional difficulty. The kidneys cry the tears that the world doesn't see." It makes sense ...

Hope you're all OK. It's an odd world when you've lost a parent, isn't it? It seems so normal to everyone else, but I'm a different person to who I was before.

Xx

mummylin Fri 28-Sep-12 09:32:01

hello trulymadlydeeply im sorry that you are on this thread too.yes i agree with you ,the world will never be the same again. I feel lost without her ,even though i have adult children myself.Mum used to always be talking about " when im not here " and i would tell her to stop talking about it as even that used to upset me.The thought was bad enough ,the reality a thousand times worse.I think like you i have tried not to cry too much because we all try to pu a brave face on it.Even my dh thinks i am ok because im not crying every day.He has no idea how upset i feel inside.Even one of my sister in laws said to me ,"oh well its something we all have to face ,we just have to get on with it " but she still has her mum and has no idea how devastating it is.But it does help to chat to others in the same position, as they know exactly how you are feeling.I can see it would be a relief for your dad to be out of his suffering ,and even though this is true,the selfish part of us wants them to be here with us !

shanks313 Fri 28-Sep-12 09:38:52

Hi

My mum died from cancer 5 weeks ago today.We thought she was getting better but suddenly went downhill within a week.
I have moments when im okay but then i miss my mum so much.I miss her calls everyday,talking to her about anything..the hugs.
I feel sad that she was so close to my dds but she will never see them grow up..she died 1 week before my youngest started school.
Everyone says look at the happy times but all I think about at the moment is how she was in the last week.

mummylin Fri 28-Sep-12 09:54:39

shanks313 I am sorry for you terrible loss.I guess as well as the grief you also had a trrible shock when you had thought your mum was recovering.We had something similar and i think the unexpected shock made it seem even worse.I think for me its a case of getting through each day ,but not a day goes by without me thinking of her or talking to her photo.I have no idea when it will sink in that this is all really true.I still think mum will be round soon as usual for a cuppa.She was a huge part of all of our lives [ siblings].I am very lucky in that have a very close family,emotionally and geographically so we see each other lots.I have to say that all my brothers [ 3 ] have been so good to me.My sister lives in another part of the country and is busy with 6 month old twins,and i lost a sister when she was 26yrs old ,so i am the only girl here,so they spoil me !I would be lost without them all.You are still in the very early stages of your grief and there will be days when you feel fine ,then the next day you may feel crushingly sad.Its a mixture of every emotion going i think and each day you have to face anew.Its fine to cry and its also fine to have a little chuckle.

Flosie1989 Fri 28-Sep-12 13:08:23

Hi ladies.

I lost my mum 2 and a half years ago and still feels as raw as it first did. Having my 20 week old DD is helping me in the grieving process but also making it harder at the same time....if that makes sense?

Sometimes I send my mum a text message telling her how i feel and how much I miss her. Might sound silly but it helps to stop me from crying when I'm really crying.

I'm sorry for everyone's loss on here. It really is an awful time and I hope you all find a way to get through it. Xx

mummylin Fri 28-Sep-12 16:55:00

Flosie1989 How sad to feel so unhappy quite a time after.I am glad that you now have a little baby which hopefully will bring you a lot of happiness and maybe lift the grief you are still feeling about your mum.But i suppose that none of our mums have ever gone completely when we have children ,because without our mums having us ,there would be no other generation to follow ,if that makes sense.

Dinosaurhunter Fri 28-Sep-12 17:08:26

Hi so sorry for everyone's lost.
My beautiful mum died 2 months ago she was only 49 . It's a very sad complex story but she had cancer that she kept a secret but then developed a serious chest infection and died within a few weeks . I cannot describe the pain I feel and at times anger I feel like she gave up on life and left me , which I know is selfish but I miss her so much .

mummylin Fri 28-Sep-12 19:28:59

Oh Dinosaurhunter What a young age your poor mum was.No wonder you are in so much pain.I can understand that sometimes you feel anger,but that is all part of grief. Grief is not set in stone and its different for everybody.I too have felt anger but not at my mum ,at the hospital where she was taken ,but this is in fact very unkind of me because they did their best and were so kind to her.I suppose i was looking for someone to blame.But i am over the anger bit now ,just filled with emptiness really.I really hope that over the coming months and weeks you will be able to gain some kind of peace.

Dinosaurhunter Fri 28-Sep-12 20:57:17

Thank you for your kind words mummylin , it still feels so raw and dream like as you mentioned before I keep expecting to feel mum again or hear her voice but it never happens.

Pammym Sat 29-Sep-12 18:42:27

Shanks - (((()))) how awful for you - your mum was only a year older than me - so so sorry. My dad was much older (84) so I know I was very lucky to have him for so long but it was similar to your experience in that it was a huge shock when he died. We thought he was on the road to recovery after a broken leg, then he caught pneumonia and died within a couple of days. Me and my sister had to decide to turn off the ventilator and we were there - am crying as I type :-(. I still have his voice messages on my mobile. I feel guilty because I am crying more over my dad than when I lost my mum but I think its the impact of now being without both parents that has hit hard.

Big hugs to everyone. Hope this forum is helping you - it is certainly doing me good to write down my feelings.

Sorry for your losses.

Truly's post struck a nerve. I lost my mum 3 months ago, 3 days before I had DD2. The first thing I felt was relief that she wasn't suffering any more, followed by wondering what she was experiencing - floating? Swirling? Something like being on a rollercoaster? Where was she? I had that "silver lining" song in my head as I felt that she was everywhere and nowhere.

She lived abroad, we'd seen her earlier in the year and she wasn't at all well. A "good day" meant she'd been able to lift her hands up to her face. It still feels as if she could still be there, because I didn't see her every day.

I too didn't cry much and feel as if I haven't cried all my tears & I don't want to cry in front of DH in case he tells me something like she's in a better place or remember the happy times or to buck up - I'm probably maligning him by even thinking he'd say something like that but I really don't want to find out. It would make me feel that my feelings aren't valid.

I've started to feel angry and irritated over everything. People not putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher, jocular comments from strangers about drink driving as I weave ineptly with the pushchair (carrying sleepy DD1), I just think F off. I see mums out with their mums and just watch them.

Thanks for this thread, it's good to get some feelings down.

Flosie1989 Sat 29-Sep-12 22:29:12

Im reading the newest posts and feel so sad that so many people are going through such heartache.

Losing a parent is truly horrific no matter what the circumstances.

My mum was 50 when she was rushed to hospital on a Friday and died in hospital the following Thursday. I didn't leave her side. When I had to leave to go to the loo I used to run down the corridor to the loo and run back again just in case she needed me whilst I was gone. I slept on the floor in her hospital room, sharing a single mattress with my older sister.

She died just 3 weeks before my 21st birthday. I cancelled my party as couldn't face anyone. My mum had actually bought my birthday card but hadn't written it out yet so I've kept it nice and safe still in its packaging <3

Miss her so much xxxx

TheFarSide Sat 29-Sep-12 22:46:53

Hi mummylin - thinking of you as we both approach the one year anniversary of losing our mums last year. Almost one year on, the daily raw grief is gone but I can feel my defences breaking down as the date approaches. My condolences to all of you who have lost a beloved parent recently (or not so recently) - those early days can be very very painful.

Flosie1989 Sat 29-Sep-12 22:55:38

I've just text my mum again telling her how much I miss her. Just a bit of advice for those of u who have recently lost a parent - on my mums birthday and leading up to Christmas I go to the same place where I scattered her ashes and send a Xmas card/birthday card up to the sky attached to helium balloons. I watch them fly higher and higher and it's very comforting. smile

mummylin Sun 30-Sep-12 00:39:16

Hello TheFarSide where have the past few months gone ? it only seems a couple of weeks ago i was chatting to you.Yes its nearly that time and i for one when will be glad when its over.I am dreading it far more than when it was mums birthday,i just know i am going to relive the whole day over again.It still seems like just the other day,i cant believe all this time has gone.For all the other posters who have joined this thread,Im sorry that you have, but glad too if that makes any sense.I know at times i have felt that i am the only one ever to of lost a mum ,which i know is ridiculous,but thats how i did feel.But it certainly made me feel so not alone when i first joined a bereavement thread on here for people who were just like us.I hope that we can all help each other and in particular the posters who are newly bereaved as we all know how devastating it is.

RoxyRobin Sun 30-Sep-12 00:55:30

My mother died three years ago and I so much miss being able to unburden myself to her.

She had her faults, as we all do, but I have never known a better listener. All the problems I've had over the years seemed less daunting after I'd recounted them to her. She didn't force advice on me, but I felt better able to cope after one of our sessions.

What a hole she's left in my life was brought home to me after I'd seen my consultant this week. In the old days she'd have been on the phone to ask how I'd got on and listen sympathetically to my woes. I came back to an empty house and just sat down and cried. I felt so silly crying for my mum at the age of 57, but just couldn't help it.

t875 Sun 30-Sep-12 01:08:41

Hi everyone!

Been hard going here as its been my mums birthday which was so hard sad
We also let off a balloon on the day with a message attached.

Its been 5 months and i deseperately want to hear her voice or her call me i just want to talk to her and have her talk back. It kills and hits me bad when i realise i havent spoke to her. Some days a little easier though.

I miss her loads and with my daughter started seniors and my eldests birthday next week i know my mum would be very involved wth it, and her not here to share it all with hurts so

Still can't quite believe the day before we were having a laugh about fish and chips! Then she has such a significant stroke she didn't wake up. sad

Really feel my dad is struggling more than he's letting on too!! So not easy!
Hugs to everyone on this thread and thinking of you all x

Solo Sun 30-Sep-12 12:35:52

Hi mummylin I have the previous thread link HERE

Best wishes to you all; it's a tough old road to walk down.
Found out yesterday that my Dad's sister died last month, which brought Dad to the front of my thoughts and upset me all over again. Aunt was not a nice woman, so I'm hoping that she's not pestering my dear, gentle Dad...

Galaxymum Sun 30-Sep-12 12:37:27

I'm so relieved to find this thread and seeing there are other people going through the same trauma. My mum died in August after several months of terrible pain. She fell while in hospital in February and broke her hip and top of her femur. Basically she never got over it, never got her mobility back and didn't return home. It was several months of constant worry over what would happen till July when the surgeon said she needed a second op as the first one failed - but said it was high risk and she might die.

We had that life/death choice that was no choice. She was living in a te,porary care home and couldn't even stand or sleep in a bed but was stuck in a wheelchair then armchair at night as it took 2/3 carers to move her. I had to agree to an op that I knew could kill her.

She had the op 30th July and seemed to be recovering but wasn't eating. Then the next weekend I found her back in bed and in a lot of pain and she went on morphine. Monday she was back up and sat up and chatty with my DD. But said her tummy hurt. Tuesday morning they rang me that she had a major haemorrhage; over the next day it kept happening and by Wednesday evening I just had that feeling. The doctor rang me at 11.20pm and I rushed down - she died within 10 minutes of me being alone with her.

I'm devastated. I hurt so much - physically hurt from the pain of missing her. I've never felt anything like this in my life. I cry racking great sobs on my own. I'm an only child and I just feel all out of balance! I have a lovely DH and DD but no one at my other side! My dad died in 1998, and there was me and my mum as she was an only child too. We were companions and best pals. I saw her every day, talked to her several times a day and that gap is massive. I'm trying to fill it with positive activities, but emotionally and inside it can't be filled. I'm screaming inside I want my mum.

I haven't faced up to burying her ashes yet - that finality I think I'm in denial in. There is still her inquest to face in December and it feels it's dragging out the causes which I don't want to hear again. Probate is so complicated and hard work (luckily DH is doing the forms). But I feel torn between wanting to keep my memories and move forward and knowing I have to go back over the trauma of the falls and the op again.
Sorry for the long post!

mummylin Sun 30-Sep-12 18:52:05

Galaxymum what a terrible shock for you,my mums death was a shock too ,not expected at all and somehow i think this made it even worse.Its so hard to carry on everyday life without them isnt it.But its such early days for you and you are bound to feel so sad as its not long ago.I know that all our mums would want us to get on with our lives and try not to be sad ,but to be honest i dont see how it can be that way.Its just mind numbing grief.
Solo thankyou for posting the link , i too hope your aunt is not giving your dad any hassle ! maybe the tables have turned and he is doing it back to her!
t875 Its horrible isnt it when normally you would be giving your mum a card and a gift.It sort of makes you realise that yes they really have gone.Although in saying that ,i strangely feel my mum is here ,but my realistic side knows she isnt.I have been to the cemetery today to take her and my sister some fresh flowers,so i had a little chat.We have a photo on her headstone so i can see her as im wittering away.I was a bit dismayed because on my sisters grave [ next door to mum ] ages ago i placed a little cross which said " to my sister " followed by a little verse.Well anyway it had broken.The cross has broken off from the base.So i have bought it home and dh is going to try and mend it for me. To all of you ,we will get through this terrible time ,it will just take time,and we will have happy days again,but we will never forget the loved ones we have lost.We can all do this together.None of us are alone as this thread shows x

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