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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

problem with 16wk pregnancy - going to have to terminate - help

91 replies

Manoo · 02/03/2006 12:33

I have just had very bad news. I was pregnant but had very bad bleeding so assumed I had had a miscarrage. However, I didn't feel right so went to the docs and found I had high hcg levels. Had a scan this morning...

The baby is there and alive, but has something very wrong with it (would rather not go into details, too upsetting) so I'm going to have a termination. I'll find out tomorrow exactly how this will be done, but was told today it would most likely be a tablet for me to expel it myself.

I'm terrified of having to go through this. I don't know what anyone could say to make me feel better, but I just felt I wanted to 'talk' (if only over the internet). I feel in such a state of shock, and feel strangely ashamed that my body has created something with something so wrong with it.

OP posts:

Report

Manoo · 02/03/2006 12:34

ps should have written 'am going to have to have a termination' - it's not like I've been given the choice. There isn't an alternative.

OP posts:

purpleturtle · 02/03/2006 12:35

So sorry, Manoo. I don't have anything to say, other than that, but I couldn't go without saying anything.

CarlyP · 02/03/2006 12:40

im so so sorry to hear you are going through this. i am having a m/c and that is bad enough. i hope you find strength and support. perhaps if you type in the ocndition your baby has on google it may help you at least figure out how/why that happened?

Cx

Twiglett · 02/03/2006 12:43

poor you and your family .. what a horrendous time

I believe there are strong medical reasons for having to go through an actual 'birth' in terms of coming to terms psychologically and physically with the loss

is there anyone you can talk this through with in RL? is your partner around?

bundle · 02/03/2006 12:44

manoo i'm terribly sorry this is happening to you. i had amnios with both my pregnancies and in the 2nd one there was a higher than expected risk of edwards syndrome which is incompatible with life. i would definitely have terminated, even though this would have been a traumatic decision. i'm sure someone will be here soon to give you more practical advice, but don't forget we're thinking about you at this difficult time, x

Angua · 02/03/2006 12:44

So sorry to hear your news could you have someone close with you during the day while you have to go through this? Maybe have your best friend round and do something at home?

dinosaur · 02/03/2006 12:44

I'm so sorry you are having such a terrible experience. Thinking of you.

milward · 02/03/2006 12:47

My thoughts are with you xxx

Marina · 02/03/2006 12:49

Manoo, I am so very sorry to hear you are facing this. :(
Nearly three years ago I found out my ds2 had died in the womb around 21 weeks (so a bit further on than you, and we didn't know what the problem had been, also not so in your case), and I too had to have an induced second-trimester delivery.
Finding out your body has let you and your baby down so badly is shaming, I felt that very strongly at the time. I felt like a failure and a pariah, and these feelings are very normal.
For me, waiting to start the labour was actually worse than going through it. From start of contractions to delivery was only about three hours, although I will be honest and say it was painful and hard work. Feeling terrified is normal in this situation too.

My advice, if it helps at all, would be:

if it has not already been offered to you, ask for whatever bereavement midwifery services are available at your hospital. You may be able to access a special, more private room which is away from delivery suite/gynae wards.
Request a bit of extra special support. I know wards are short-staffed, but they may be able to assign a HCA or a midwife to stay with you both throughout. We had this and it helped so much.
Ask for as much or as little pain relief as you want. I had valium for the stress and could have had pethidine/an epidural, but I decided against these because I wanted to feel in control. That was my personal choice. I used gas and air too.
We knew from the scan that Tom was dead but not obviously deformed or damaged, so we knew we would want to see him and hold him. You are in a different situation and don't have to say any more about that, but SANDS good practice advice is to see and and say goodbye to your baby if you feel you possibly can. You don't have to and no midwife will make you, but the reality may be less shocking than your imaginings are at present.

My heart goes out to you Manoo, I hope you have a supportive partner who can be with you at the hospital, and good support from the healthcare team. Because of your baby's condition you should get appropriate follow-up and genetic counselling if necessary, but right now, you need TLC and considerate handling.

Sending you lots of love. It was the hardest time of my life but I survived it - and the support I got on here helped so much. I hope it helps you too. If there is anything you want to ask, ask. A woman called Rosy who had a similar experience to me was my lifeline, and sadly, there are many other Mners around at the mo who have faced a second trimester delivery and the death of their much loved baby.

I hope some of them see your post and can help you. XXX Sitting here in tears for you. So sorry.

Enid · 02/03/2006 12:53

so sorry to hear this Manoo.

Marina's advice to contact SANDS is very worthwhile.

weewilliewinkie · 02/03/2006 12:54

what terrible news for you. I'm so sorry.

Can you ask your doctor to arange a d&c - at least this way you would be asleep for the procedure. I have recently gone through a m/c at 15 weeks, and a d&c was carried out for me. When I realised I was going to be asleep it was the biggest relief. I'm sure if you express your fears about this something else could be arranged for you. This is a traumatic enough time for you, after all.

You must never feel ashamed, you have done nothing wrong at all. You were never to know how your pregnancy would turn out - this is not your fault. You need to mourn your loss. I am told that time is the only thing to make you feel better. Look after yourself, be kind to yourself. x

bundle · 02/03/2006 12:56

marina's summing up of some of the complex feelings women have when a baby dies in utero are absolutely spot on, and although it's no real comfort, just goes to show how absolutely anything goes at this earth-shattering time.

desperateSCOUSEwife · 02/03/2006 12:59

manoo sorry to hear this
hugs
xxx

secretmummy · 02/03/2006 13:01

i had to do the same but at 23 weeks so can start to imagine what you must be going through thinking of you xx

Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 02/03/2006 13:06

Manoo - what dreadful news for you. I'm so sorry .

kitty4paws · 02/03/2006 13:09

so, so sorry, what a terrible time

Although I have not experienced this myself ,Marina has given great advice.

If you feel you do not want to see baby ( and that is very,very normal) you might want the midwives to take some photographs, these can be kept on your file and if, at a later date, you feel you would like to see baby then you have still the option.

I can not even begin to imagine how hard this must all be.

You have done nothing wrong, nothing, nothing nothing, you have not "made" your baby have these problems.

I felt ashamed, wrongly of course, with my m/cs because I felt I had failed somehow, I couldn't make a living baby. Please take support from your RL friends.

I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

kitty4paws · 02/03/2006 13:10

so, so sorry, what a terrible time

Although I have not experienced this myself ,Marina has given great advice.

If you feel you do not want to see baby ( and that is very,very normal) you might want the midwives to take some photographs, these can be kept on your file and if, at a later date, you feel you would like to see baby then you have still the option.

I can not even begin to imagine how hard this must all be.

You have done nothing wrong, nothing, nothing nothing, you have not "made" your baby have these problems.

I felt ashamed, wrongly of course, with my m/cs because I felt I had failed somehow, I couldn't make a living baby. Please take support from your RL friends.

I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

SuperTramp · 02/03/2006 13:29

Manoo

I'm so very sorry that this is happening to you. You have nothing to be ashamed of but I'm sure that is a very normal feeling for any woman going through this.

Try and take someone with you tomorrow if you can.

Thinking of you

ST xx

Enid · 02/03/2006 13:30

((just to say that if you really dont want to see the baby, dont feel bad. Research is unsure which course of action (seeing or not seeing) is really 'best', so please go with your gut feeling))

nailpolish · 02/03/2006 13:35

please dont be frightened. i hope you get the very best care and support you deserve. xxx

Manoo · 02/03/2006 13:54

Thank you so much everyone for writing something - it really does help. And Marina, thank you in particular for your post - it's really helpful to have those tips. I was thinking about asking for valium so I'm glad to know that might be a possibility. Good also to know that you've survived and come through the other side. I can imagine that the 'build up' to the event will be the worst thing and that I'll be glad to get it over and done with. Luckily my partner isn't working at the moment so he's around to be with me. And my lovely ds (2.8yrs) is around to cheer me up too (and at least I know my body can make a 'normal' one).

I think I need to think carefully about whether to see/hold the baby. There is a deformity and at the moment my feeling is that I don't want to see. I've been told it's a 'neural defect' like the sort of thing that causes spina bifida but worse - I suppose I'll have chance to ask more questions at the hospital tomorrow.

Anyway, thanks again everyone for all your kind words and support. x

OP posts:

desperatehousewife · 02/03/2006 14:07

Dear Manoo

I'm so desperately sorry you are having to go through this - it's seems so terribly cruel.

I got to 25 weeks pregnant at the end of November and my little boy died for absolutely no reason. I was given a pill to induce labour. I agree the build up was terrible. Having never given birth naturally before I was petrified.

You WILL come out the other end of this dark tunnel - I promise. I have - i can honestly say, it's the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and it still haunts me a little but I feel almost 'normal' again now.

I would advise talking to a midwife about pain relief. I didn't want to feel any pain, but wanted it to be over as quickly as possible. I had patient controlled Morphine which took the edge of the pain and made me very woozy and almost happy between contractions.

I felt incredibly proud of myself for having given birth and felt i had done my son proud.

My initial reaction was not to see the baby, but I was encouraged by everyone else to see him. I felt really pleased at the time that I was brave enough to see him and actually felt very honoured.

I have to say at the moment it doesn't give me much comfort to have seen him as the image will be with me forever and i struggle with it. But, as my husband put it, it's not necessarily about doing the right thing, but about not doing the wrong thing iyswim! I might have really regretted it further down the line if i hadn't seen him. it's a tough one. I think i would tell anyone to trust their instinct - do what feels right for you and be prepared to question every decision you have made, because you probably will.

In time you will hopefully be less hard on yourself and realise that it is NOT your fault what has happened.

Above all things, you must be easy on yourself at the moment - don't see anyone or talk to anyone that you just can't be bothered to speak to.

Take care - am very happy to talk/cat me if ever you want to....i'm here.

DHW
x

batters · 02/03/2006 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WideWebWitch · 02/03/2006 14:09

No advice, just wanted to add sympathy.

fairyjay · 02/03/2006 14:11

A friend of mine was in exactly the same situation as you last year, and I know how tough it was for her and her dh.

As with you, she had her toddler, who was a great focus over such an awful time.

Just feeling for you.

Flip

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