problem with 16wk pregnancy - going to have to terminate - help

(92 Posts)
Manoo Thu 02-Mar-06 12:33:29

I have just had very bad news. I was pregnant but had very bad bleeding so assumed I had had a miscarrage. However, I didn't feel right so went to the docs and found I had high hcg levels. Had a scan this morning...

The baby is there and alive, but has something very wrong with it (would rather not go into details, too upsetting) so I'm going to have a termination. I'll find out tomorrow exactly how this will be done, but was told today it would most likely be a tablet for me to expel it myself.

I'm terrified of having to go through this. I don't know what anyone could say to make me feel better, but I just felt I wanted to 'talk' (if only over the internet). I feel in such a state of shock, and feel strangely ashamed that my body has created something with something so wrong with it.

fairyjay Thu 02-Mar-06 14:11:51

A friend of mine was in exactly the same situation as you last year, and I know how tough it was for her and her dh.

As with you, she had her toddler, who was a great focus over such an awful time.

Just feeling for you.

cupcakes Thu 02-Mar-06 17:50:25

So sorry for you. This is a truly terrible situation. I hope you find some comfort from MN - there are some amazing women out there and many of the posts on here demonstrate their strength.
Will be thinking of you.
xx

PandaG Thu 02-Mar-06 17:51:42

So sorry Manoo. Don't 'know' you, but just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

HellKat Thu 02-Mar-06 17:53:52

Manoo-{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}} God how awful hun.
I'm so so sorry.
It's totally understandable how you're feeling. I've never been through this personally (only early mc's) but hopefully someone will be able to offer you valuable words of wisdom.
Go easy on yourself hun, you don't have a choice.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Marina Thu 02-Mar-06 17:55:36

Manoo, we took a picture of ds1 with us to hospital to remind us that we had something at least to come home to, and that it didn't always go wrong.
I hope knowing that all of us will be thinking of you and your baby tomorrow when you return to the hospital, will help you feel less alone.

I am so, so sorry to hear this. Will be thinking of you.

((xx))

BudaBabe Thu 02-Mar-06 18:12:27

Very sorry to hear what you are going through Manoo. Will be thinking of you.

Piffle Thu 02-Mar-06 18:18:56

Manoo I am so sorry that you have to face this.
I cannot imagine how awful you must be feeling, I hope at least you get some more information about why you have to face this.
Lots of love and hugs
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

wools Thu 02-Mar-06 18:36:21

Manoo, That is so sad, thinking of you at this terrible time.

tribpot Thu 02-Mar-06 18:40:22

Nothing to add except another voice of sympathy and support, all the very best to you and your family in this awful time.

BROWNY Thu 02-Mar-06 18:44:42

So sorry that you have to go through this ordeal Manoo, just wanted you to know that we all care and will be here for you if/when you need to talk, take care of yourself xxxxxx

Blu Thu 02-Mar-06 18:50:14

Manoo, how very very shocking and sad for you. I am so sorry.
I know nothing of this situation, but I do know Marina, and Mn-ers, and people like them will be here for you, and listening.

Manoo, soo sorry for your sad news, thinking of you and sending you big hugs

Manoo Thu 02-Mar-06 19:15:30

Thanks again for all your kind words and support. And thanks Marina for your suggestion of taking a pic of ds1 with us. Good idea.

I don't know at this stage whether I'll have to go through the termination/birth (don't know what to call it still) tomorrow, or whether the doc will just see me tomorrow and schedule an appointment for Monday.

But it's great to know that there are so many lovely women out to offer me sympathy and support.

I've been on the internet and found out more about the baby's condition. Makes it a bit easier to get my head round. Thing I probably didn't explain properly in my first posting was that I didn't even realise I was still pregnant - I'd thought I'd miscarried 7 weeks ago - so I'm feeling that at the moment I somehow don't have a right to grieve if that makes any sense. It's not as if we'd told everyone I was pregnant or were making plans - I'd expected to see tissue left over in my scan today, although was also half hoping for a miracle (as we always do).

So today and tonight I'm just trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm pregnant, as well as the fact that there is a problem that is 'incompatible with life'. I think if I'm going to have to give birth to this baby then I'm going to have to bond with it first!

And Marina, Secretmummy & Desperatehousewife - I'm so sorry for your losses and for what you've had to go through - and to all you who've had m/c's too. xxx

cupcakes Thu 02-Mar-06 19:21:23

Will be thinking of you.
xx

majormoo Thu 02-Mar-06 19:32:15

Manoo really sorry to hear this and wanted to reply to you because it is all so familiar to me. I had a termination in August last year-we found out at our 12 week scan that our baby had a lethal chromonsonal abnormality.

I had a surgical termination, so cannot give you as good advice on how to cope with the physical side of the termination, as Marina, DHW and others who have had second trimester losses can.

However, I do unfortunately have experience of going through a termination for fetal abnormality. It is an absolutely horrendous thing to go through. However, there is a fantastic charity ARC (antenatal results and choices) that supports women and their families through this experience. You can call their helpline and there is also an egroup which I have found invaluable. Sometimes you just need to talk to people who have been through the same experience as you.

I really think most women in this situation experience shock, shame, horror, guilt, fear, pain and god knows what else but my advice would be to allow yourself time to go through all these emotions. Don't feel obliged to do things that you don't want to do. I have mentioned it on here before but the literature we were given said 'life has to go on but you do not have to pretend that this is your normal life.' I found that very helpful.

I would recommend some counselling when are ready.

I also found mumsnet a great place for support. It can feel isolating in the 'real world' sometimes.

On the point about seeing the baby, I wanted to add that the vast majority of terminations for fetal abnormality happen later in pregnancy than is safe for a surgical termination. Therefore most of the stories I have heard have involved women having to decide whether to see their babies or not. Most of them do choose to see them, and I have not heard one woman through ARC who has regretted that choice. Obviously this is a very personal decision-I just wanted to let you know about the stories I have heard.

It may not feel like it now, but you will get through this.

WestCountryLass Sat 04-Mar-06 00:07:22

Manoo

ARC will be able to offer you support and information at this difficult time:

http://www.arc-uk.org/

They do provide a befriending service (I am a befriender) for parents who have lost a baby in this way to talk to another parent who has been through a similar experience.

(((hugs)))

jco Sat 04-Mar-06 08:43:54

I can't express how much my heart goes out to you sweetheart xxx please don't think its something you have done and you have no reason to feel ashamed, its not your fault. i had an ectopic last year and went through a stage of feeling upset that my body hadn't worked properly and so the baby was in the wrong place. nothing i or anybody else say will make you feel better but just know that you will be in my prayers. sending you lots of love and hugs darling

julie xxxx

cori Sat 04-Mar-06 08:49:13

what a terrible thing to have to go through. Dont feel ashamed over soemthing you have no control

Pip Sat 04-Mar-06 09:01:32

What a moving thread. I´m so sorry Manoo that you´re having to go through this right now. Take care x

me23 Sat 04-Mar-06 09:04:41

just wanted to say how sorry I am for you. please get in touch with the support services they should be able to help you and answer any worries or questions you may have.

HellKat Sat 04-Mar-06 09:05:29

Manoo- Hope it went as well as can be expected. Thinking of you at this awfully, sad time. xxxxxx

blueteddy Sat 04-Mar-06 09:20:53

Message withdrawn

Hausfrau Sat 04-Mar-06 17:22:38

oh Manoo - just seen this. you're in my thoughts. yuo knowyou can get good support here.

PeachyClair Sat 04-Mar-06 18:20:28

Manoo, just saw this and am very for you. You are in my thoughts XXX

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