MY son died

(779 Posts)

Don't know how to say it, but need to put it down. My beautiful son was found dead last night. I don't know what to do. He is 22 but still my baby, how do you begin to process something like this?

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Thu 12-Sep-13 18:48:31

Hey Michelle, good to hear from you.

Glad to hear you are doing ok, ok is ok and better than not ok i guess.

It must be hard to see James' peers going off to do the stuff that he should be doing now and must feel like they are leaving him behind and it must make you very sad and angry i would imagine. FWIW they have always sounds like a lovely bunch of young people and i bet they all carry James with them, even whilst moving forward.

As you know my brother hung himself and i still don't understand, i don't understand how he could feel so bleak and not reach out for help, how he could do something that has left so many more questions than answers, how he could just go without me saying all the things i should have said to him whilst he was alive. It makes me so very angry and so very sad all at the same time and i think it always will. I can only imagine how much stronger these feelings are in you. I guess the only answer is that you find a way to carry on and cope with it in your own way.

I am sure most people have the best intentions and want you to say you're doing ok and getting on with things, not that your heart is broken and you struggle everyday but i guess they feel that they should say something but don't understand what an honest answer to that question would be.

You are often in my thoughts and i always check the thread in case you feel like posting.

Sending love and strength as always xxx

piratecat Wed 11-Sep-13 19:01:37

hi mumof2teenboys,

I have only just found and read your thread. I have absolutely no words to make this post even worth posting really.
But i have sat here and read your life and what's happened in the last twelve months, and just want you to know that I have read it, and my heart is so sore for you. I wish i could help you in some way, but want you to know that I am thinking about you. I am so sorry, and if there were something i could do or say i would do it.
In 1999, a bloke i knew of 21 died suddenly, on the 9th July, and this year i was especially thinking of him. Where had the time gone.
I wasn't close to him, but knew his family. That's my only true experience of young people coming together in grief and shock.

I just wanted to say hi really. xxxx

Hello Hokey

I'm ok, thats as much as I can say. I'm finding it really hard, James' girlfriend and one of his best friends are off to uni on thursday. I'm so excited for them both, next chapter in their lives and all that but it feels as though they are leaving him behind. They are moving forward with all the anticipation and excitement that brings.

The big news story last month was hard as well, Hannah Smith in Luttterworth hung herself after being bullied online. Her sister found her after she done it. Too many parallels with us, I cried so much again.

I still have days where I don't belive that James is dead, that he did something so stupid and left us. I don't understand any better now than I did 14 months ago. I don't think that I ever will.

James dying was dreadful (understatement there) but its living without him that is the hard bit. Its getting up every morning and getting on with living. It is meeting people and them asking 'how are you now?' I want to say that I'm struggling and grieving but that isn't what they want to hear now is it? So I say 'getting there' Where am I getting to though?

How is this my life? How is this where we now live? How can he not be here?

Hello Hokey

I'm ok, thats as much as I can say. I'm finding it really hard, James' girlfriend and one of his best friends are off to uni on thursday. I'm so excited for them both, next chapter in their lives and all that but it feels as though they are leaving him behind. They are moving forward with all the anticipation and excitement that brings.

The big news story last month was hard as well, Hannah Smith in Luttterworth hung herself after being bullied online. Her sister found her after she done it. Too many parallels with us, I cried so much again.

I still have days where I don't belive that James is dead, that he did something so stupid and left us. I don't understand any better now than I did 14 months ago. I don't think that I ever will.

James dying was dreadful (understatement there) but its living without him that is the hard bit. Its getting up every morning and getting on with living. It is meeting people and them asking 'how are you now?' I want to say that I'm struggling and grieving but that isn't what they want to hear now is it? So I say 'getting there' Where am I getting to though?

How is this my life? How is this where we now live? How can he not be here?

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sat 07-Sep-13 20:39:21

Hey Michelle, just thinking about you and wondered how you're doing. xx

LynetteScavo Thu 04-Jul-13 23:13:43

I remember your post from last year.

I can only imagine the pain. My thoughts are with you. x

IceAddict Thu 04-Jul-13 23:09:44

Im so very sorry for your loss. As parents we all dread this, as its the worst possible situation. How i wish i could help or offer some consolation or take some pain away from you. Keep talking whenever you need to don't ever feel you can't talk about your child. sad

Cheeseatmidnight Thu 04-Jul-13 22:56:05

Oh my god, I am so sorry.i have no idea what to say. Please keep talking to us all xxx

98percentchocolate Thu 04-Jul-13 22:53:38

I am so, so sorry for your loss and will be keeping your family and James' friends in my thoughts and prayers. Xxx

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Thu 04-Jul-13 22:45:32

I am so glad you were able to go to Brighton and remember James & it was as ok as it could be - you have all been in my thoughts.

We went to Brighton, we sat on the beach and talked to him. It was a peaceful, reflective time. It was probably as ok as it could be.

I just want to say thank you so very much for all the support, love, strength and woolly hugs that you lovely ladies have given me (and Moon and Sam) over the last 12 months. You were there when I didn't have the ability to talk to people around me. Knowing that I could come here and pour out random thoughts and feelings at anytime of the day or night has been my lifesaver.

James will always be missed, he will always be loved, he will always be my beautiful, blue-eyed boy.

Theselittlelightsofmine Wed 03-Jul-13 10:16:05

Thinking of you all today x

OnTheNingNangNong Wed 03-Jul-13 10:12:14

Thinking of you today, sending you strength. Xxx

nemno Wed 03-Jul-13 10:04:39

I wish you the strength to get through the day. xxx

SaintVera Wed 03-Jul-13 09:50:37

Michelle, you and James are often in my thoughts. No more so than today xxxx

RatherBeOnThePiste Wed 03-Jul-13 08:58:52

Big hugs lovely, thinking of you all here Xx

LackingNicknameInspiration Wed 03-Jul-13 08:56:06

Hello mumof

I'm not a regular mumsnetter, tend to use it in spurts, so have just seen your post. And I've read the entire thread and am in tears for you.

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son and the pain and the grief that being without James has caused and still causes you. He sounds like such an amazing young man and the fact that he is clearly loved and missed by so many just makes the loss so much more senseless. It is a terrible illness that can do this.

I know that there is nothing I can say to help, although I really hope that being able to post on here provides you with some sort of outlet today. I also hope that one or more of the amazing ladies who has supported you thus far is/are able to keep supporting you. My heart goes out to all of you for your losses.

I will be thinking of you and your boys today and for the weeks that follow.

With love. x

It is exactly one year since my world was destroyed. I want him back so much that it is a actual pain in my chest.

What do I do? How do I get through today? I want to scream and shout and rage at the world. I want to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head and pretend today isn't happening. I am crying and shaking as I type.

I just want my son back, I want James here, alive and difficult as always. I want my old life back. This hurts so much, I really didn't think that there could any worse pain than when we found out that he had died. There is, it is living without him, it is getting up every morning and having to get through each day knowing he isn't here.

BellaVita Wed 03-Jul-13 06:38:17

You are in my thoughts xx

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Wed 03-Jul-13 05:57:37

Thinking of you all today Michelle xxx

telegramsam Tue 02-Jul-13 23:00:52

Hi Michelle, I send love and strength to you always but especially over the next few days. X

Hello ladies

Thank you for thinking of us again. It is 11 days until the first anniversary. I don't know how we have got through this past year, it has gone so quickly yet so slowly if that is even possible.

I don't know how to deal with the actual day, I am scared of it, on the 3rd of july, it is officially one year since he was found. We know that he died a couple of days before that but that is when Sam found him.

How can it be almost a year since I spoke to him? How can it be so long since I heard his laugh or looked at him?

It isn't getting any easier, it gets harder if that makes sense?

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Fri 21-Jun-13 22:52:04

I just thought of you tonight Michelle, i know it has been nearly a year.

I hope, if you read this, you, Moon and Sam are doing ok x

Thumbwitch Fri 24-May-13 03:39:38

Hello Michelle, just re-found this thread while looking for someone else's, sadly.

I don't know if this will help you or not, but is there a phrase that James used to say a lot? I can't remember the general sound of my nanna's voice, but I do remember how particular phrases she used sounded when she said them, if that makes sense? Same with my Mum and Grandad too. So perhaps that might be a way to recall his voice?

Moon may be a bit right - the harder you try to remember something, the more it can elude you - like trying to remember a dream when you wake up.

(((hugs))) and love for you all - I hope you managed to access some counselling to help you come to terms with the shock of it all and that your other DS is coping ok (as well as you and Moon of course). xx

qualitytoffee Thu 16-May-13 20:29:08

Lovely Mums, i hope you don't mind be butting into your thread, but i just wanted to give hugs and flowers to you all. I wish there was a huge big Mumsnet umbrella that would cover us all in a big collective hug.
I may be on Trinitys thread, but my love sympathy and hugs go to all of you who need it xx
loves and Blessings to you all xx

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