MY son died

(779 Posts)

Don't know how to say it, but need to put it down. My beautiful son was found dead last night. I don't know what to do. He is 22 but still my baby, how do you begin to process something like this?

Maybe you can't find them at this very moment, but the good memories will return. I have a friend whose husband died, and the same thing happened to her.

Do you have any videos or recordings that you took of James? Perhaps you have some of him and Sam when they were younger? Or even ask his friends, as everyone these days seems to have smart phones which can record videos.

You have talked her before about conversations you have had with James. Can you picture a happy family event, and build him into it?

Moon thinks that I am overthinknig things. He told me that when I stop trying to remember, it will all be there.

I have found a video of him on FB, it is a few years old but is very funny. He is holding forth about sharks and how they get their food. It was taken at a party by a friend of his. He looks happy and relaxed and is enjoying himself. Needless to say, it made me cry.

I know that I remeber things, its just hard to focus on the good, fun things when my overriding memories are of the day he was found. Why do our minds do that to us? Make us focus on the horrible painful stuff and lock away the lovely comforting things?

everlong Sat 06-Apr-13 13:46:40

You've not forgot his laugh I promise. It will come back to you. Your poor mind has just shut down for a while.

After Oliver died I panicked because I couldn't remember lots of stuff from him growing up. Silly things. But gradually memories started to pop back. I think it's was the shock of everything.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Thu 16-May-13 19:07:00

Hope you are ok Michelle x

qualitytoffee Thu 16-May-13 20:29:08

Lovely Mums, i hope you don't mind be butting into your thread, but i just wanted to give hugs and flowers to you all. I wish there was a huge big Mumsnet umbrella that would cover us all in a big collective hug.
I may be on Trinitys thread, but my love sympathy and hugs go to all of you who need it xx
loves and Blessings to you all xx

Thumbwitch Fri 24-May-13 03:39:38

Hello Michelle, just re-found this thread while looking for someone else's, sadly.

I don't know if this will help you or not, but is there a phrase that James used to say a lot? I can't remember the general sound of my nanna's voice, but I do remember how particular phrases she used sounded when she said them, if that makes sense? Same with my Mum and Grandad too. So perhaps that might be a way to recall his voice?

Moon may be a bit right - the harder you try to remember something, the more it can elude you - like trying to remember a dream when you wake up.

(((hugs))) and love for you all - I hope you managed to access some counselling to help you come to terms with the shock of it all and that your other DS is coping ok (as well as you and Moon of course). xx

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Fri 21-Jun-13 22:52:04

I just thought of you tonight Michelle, i know it has been nearly a year.

I hope, if you read this, you, Moon and Sam are doing ok x

Hello ladies

Thank you for thinking of us again. It is 11 days until the first anniversary. I don't know how we have got through this past year, it has gone so quickly yet so slowly if that is even possible.

I don't know how to deal with the actual day, I am scared of it, on the 3rd of july, it is officially one year since he was found. We know that he died a couple of days before that but that is when Sam found him.

How can it be almost a year since I spoke to him? How can it be so long since I heard his laugh or looked at him?

It isn't getting any easier, it gets harder if that makes sense?

telegramsam Tue 02-Jul-13 23:00:52

Hi Michelle, I send love and strength to you always but especially over the next few days. X

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Wed 03-Jul-13 05:57:37

Thinking of you all today Michelle xxx

BellaVita Wed 03-Jul-13 06:38:17

You are in my thoughts xx

It is exactly one year since my world was destroyed. I want him back so much that it is a actual pain in my chest.

What do I do? How do I get through today? I want to scream and shout and rage at the world. I want to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head and pretend today isn't happening. I am crying and shaking as I type.

I just want my son back, I want James here, alive and difficult as always. I want my old life back. This hurts so much, I really didn't think that there could any worse pain than when we found out that he had died. There is, it is living without him, it is getting up every morning and having to get through each day knowing he isn't here.

LackingNicknameInspiration Wed 03-Jul-13 08:56:06

Hello mumof

I'm not a regular mumsnetter, tend to use it in spurts, so have just seen your post. And I've read the entire thread and am in tears for you.

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son and the pain and the grief that being without James has caused and still causes you. He sounds like such an amazing young man and the fact that he is clearly loved and missed by so many just makes the loss so much more senseless. It is a terrible illness that can do this.

I know that there is nothing I can say to help, although I really hope that being able to post on here provides you with some sort of outlet today. I also hope that one or more of the amazing ladies who has supported you thus far is/are able to keep supporting you. My heart goes out to all of you for your losses.

I will be thinking of you and your boys today and for the weeks that follow.

With love. x

RatherBeOnThePiste Wed 03-Jul-13 08:58:52

Big hugs lovely, thinking of you all here Xx

SaintVera Wed 03-Jul-13 09:50:37

Michelle, you and James are often in my thoughts. No more so than today xxxx

nemno Wed 03-Jul-13 10:04:39

I wish you the strength to get through the day. xxx

OnTheNingNangNong Wed 03-Jul-13 10:12:14

Thinking of you today, sending you strength. Xxx

Theselittlelightsofmine Wed 03-Jul-13 10:16:05

Thinking of you all today x

We went to Brighton, we sat on the beach and talked to him. It was a peaceful, reflective time. It was probably as ok as it could be.

I just want to say thank you so very much for all the support, love, strength and woolly hugs that you lovely ladies have given me (and Moon and Sam) over the last 12 months. You were there when I didn't have the ability to talk to people around me. Knowing that I could come here and pour out random thoughts and feelings at anytime of the day or night has been my lifesaver.

James will always be missed, he will always be loved, he will always be my beautiful, blue-eyed boy.

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Thu 04-Jul-13 22:45:32

I am so glad you were able to go to Brighton and remember James & it was as ok as it could be - you have all been in my thoughts.

98percentchocolate Thu 04-Jul-13 22:53:38

I am so, so sorry for your loss and will be keeping your family and James' friends in my thoughts and prayers. Xxx

Cheeseatmidnight Thu 04-Jul-13 22:56:05

Oh my god, I am so sorry.i have no idea what to say. Please keep talking to us all xxx

IceAddict Thu 04-Jul-13 23:09:44

Im so very sorry for your loss. As parents we all dread this, as its the worst possible situation. How i wish i could help or offer some consolation or take some pain away from you. Keep talking whenever you need to don't ever feel you can't talk about your child. sad

LynetteScavo Thu 04-Jul-13 23:13:43

I remember your post from last year.

I can only imagine the pain. My thoughts are with you. x

HokeyCokeyPigInAPokey Sat 07-Sep-13 20:39:21

Hey Michelle, just thinking about you and wondered how you're doing. xx

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