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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

My boy...

140 replies

MrsY · 03/05/2012 09:33

I was due on April 14th with our son, a little brother for our three year old daughter. I?d had a difficult pregnancy and labour with our daughter (PET), and despite a few early bleeds, this pregnancy was ?low risk? so I was given the go ahead for a midwife led delivery at the birth centre. I?d had a couple of sweeps as my consultant was very keen for me not to go overdue. I?d had a bit of a show, and then on Easter Sunday the contractions started. I timed them through church and Sunday lunch without anyone noticing, and then my mum realised what was happening. We decided to go home and get settled, put our daughter to bed and see what happened. The contractions were getting stronger and closer, and we decided to call my mum to come over, in case we needed to go in. We called the birth centre at about 9pm and they said to go in. We left mum at the house and headed in, and we called my friend who?s a midwife and was going to be my second birth partner to meet us there.

When we got to the birth centre, the mw listened to the baby?s heartbeat, I was examined and was still only 3cm dilated. BP taken and was fine ? phew, and the midwife checked through all my notes and then broke the news that my latest set of blood results indicated my iron were too low and I would have to deliver at the main hospital as I my risk level was too high for the birth centre. I was devastated. Because I was still on 3cm, we headed home, thinking that if things picked up we would have to go to the hospital. When we got home, the mw called and said that she had checked the blood results on her system, and it was different than the ones in my book; I had been given the wrong results, so I was fine and could go back to the birth centre when the time was right.

Managed to get some sleep, as the contractions eased off about 3am. In the morning, mum left and we got back to normal. J?s parents called round to see if we needed anything and they decided to take our daughter home with them to give us time to rest and in case things kicked off. We spent the day pottering round with contractions coming on and off throughout. We went to bed and J ran me a bath when the contractions picked up again. They were coming about every 5 mins apart, and were getting really strong, so we called the birth centre again, about 3:30-ish. They said to go in, so in we went. We explained what had happened the night before, and she started her obs. BP was higher than normal, and then she tried to check his heartbeat, but couldn?t find it. She re-assured me that it didn?t necessarily mean what we thought it meant, but said they would have to blue light us to the hospital. We were praying so hard as we waited for the ambulance. J was going to drive behind the ambulance, and I asked for the gas and air, partly so I could manage the pain of the contractions, partly so I could suspend my fears until we knew what was going on.

During the half hour journey to the hospital, I zoned in and out of the paramedic and mw?s conversation but spent most of the time praying everything would be ok. When we got to the delivery room, J and our friend E were waiting for us. They told me I?d need to move onto the bed, and as I moved, I felt the baby?s head. I?d gone to 10cm and the baby was crowning. E told me to open my eyes and focus on what she said, and calmed me down enough to concentrate on pushing. Two pushes later and I had delivered him. He was taken straight away for resus. For 15 mins we heard them try and give our son life, but I knew that it was no use. E had seen him and realised that he had probably gone a few hours before birth, and had warned us that he probably wouldn?t make it. I remember saying at one point ?they?re going to stop soon, aren?t they?? and she said they probably would. I very nearly asked them to stop, but couldn?t quite bring myself to.

After 15 minutes, they stopped and one guy came over to tell us that our son hadn?t made it. Then it was like something from a book or film. I heard a noise that sounded like an injured wild animal, and realised it was me making the noise.

Our son, Benedict John Peanut was born at 6am on Tuesday, April 10th.

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ripsishere · 03/05/2012 09:48

You've made me cry. I don't ever come to this area so apologies for butting in, but you are incredibly strong to write this so soon after his birth.
Wishing you peace and strength.