My boy...

(141 Posts)
MrsY Thu 03-May-12 09:33:51

I was due on April 14th with our son, a little brother for our three year old daughter. I’d had a difficult pregnancy and labour with our daughter (PET), and despite a few early bleeds, this pregnancy was ‘low risk’ so I was given the go ahead for a midwife led delivery at the birth centre. I’d had a couple of sweeps as my consultant was very keen for me not to go overdue. I’d had a bit of a show, and then on Easter Sunday the contractions started. I timed them through church and Sunday lunch without anyone noticing, and then my mum realised what was happening. We decided to go home and get settled, put our daughter to bed and see what happened. The contractions were getting stronger and closer, and we decided to call my mum to come over, in case we needed to go in. We called the birth centre at about 9pm and they said to go in. We left mum at the house and headed in, and we called my friend who’s a midwife and was going to be my second birth partner to meet us there.

When we got to the birth centre, the mw listened to the baby’s heartbeat, I was examined and was still only 3cm dilated. BP taken and was fine – phew, and the midwife checked through all my notes and then broke the news that my latest set of blood results indicated my iron were too low and I would have to deliver at the main hospital as I my risk level was too high for the birth centre. I was devastated. Because I was still on 3cm, we headed home, thinking that if things picked up we would have to go to the hospital. When we got home, the mw called and said that she had checked the blood results on her system, and it was different than the ones in my book; I had been given the wrong results, so I was fine and could go back to the birth centre when the time was right.

Managed to get some sleep, as the contractions eased off about 3am. In the morning, mum left and we got back to normal. J’s parents called round to see if we needed anything and they decided to take our daughter home with them to give us time to rest and in case things kicked off. We spent the day pottering round with contractions coming on and off throughout. We went to bed and J ran me a bath when the contractions picked up again. They were coming about every 5 mins apart, and were getting really strong, so we called the birth centre again, about 3:30-ish. They said to go in, so in we went. We explained what had happened the night before, and she started her obs. BP was higher than normal, and then she tried to check his heartbeat, but couldn’t find it. She re-assured me that it didn’t necessarily mean what we thought it meant, but said they would have to blue light us to the hospital. We were praying so hard as we waited for the ambulance. J was going to drive behind the ambulance, and I asked for the gas and air, partly so I could manage the pain of the contractions, partly so I could suspend my fears until we knew what was going on.

During the half hour journey to the hospital, I zoned in and out of the paramedic and mw’s conversation but spent most of the time praying everything would be ok. When we got to the delivery room, J and our friend E were waiting for us. They told me I’d need to move onto the bed, and as I moved, I felt the baby’s head. I’d gone to 10cm and the baby was crowning. E told me to open my eyes and focus on what she said, and calmed me down enough to concentrate on pushing. Two pushes later and I had delivered him. He was taken straight away for resus. For 15 mins we heard them try and give our son life, but I knew that it was no use. E had seen him and realised that he had probably gone a few hours before birth, and had warned us that he probably wouldn’t make it. I remember saying at one point ‘they’re going to stop soon, aren’t they?’ and she said they probably would. I very nearly asked them to stop, but couldn’t quite bring myself to.

After 15 minutes, they stopped and one guy came over to tell us that our son hadn’t made it. Then it was like something from a book or film. I heard a noise that sounded like an injured wild animal, and realised it was me making the noise.

Our son, Benedict John Peanut was born at 6am on Tuesday, April 10th.

monstertufts Sun 06-May-12 19:47:54

I'm not sure how I came across this thread, and I wasn't going to add anything, thinking that I had no right to do so, having never experienced the pain that you and some of the other ladies here are going through.

But then I read this, from one of your posts - 'it's so hard thinking he didn't have any impact on the world' - and I had to tell you how wrong you are. Your darling boy has changed your lives forever, and those of the people who love you. And, through your post here, Benedict has touched the lives of strangers: your post brought tears to my eyes, and I gave my 8MO DS (who is sleeping next to me on the sofa) a kiss and said a prayer for you as I thought of your little boy.

From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry that little Benedict didn't make it, and I hope life is kinder to you and your family very soon. xx

MrsY Sun 06-May-12 22:55:01

Thank you monstertufts. x

giraffesCantDonateBoneMarrow Sun 06-May-12 22:58:29

Thinking of you xx

StellaAndFries Sun 06-May-12 23:02:02

Still thinking of you MrsY (SG from FB and ex TB'er) x

gingerchick Sun 06-May-12 23:03:11

So so sorry my lovely can't put into words how sorry. Thinking of you and rending love to you and your family,

lucyellensmumnamechange Sun 06-May-12 23:09:47

I am so sorry - i don't have words xxx

Oh I'm so sorry, he won't be forgotten and he did make an impact, he did.

Much love to you all.

Saucepanman Tue 08-May-12 14:10:30

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious boy Benedict. I have been where you are now, and am holding you in my thoughts and prayers, wishing you strength and peace. Much love xxxx

DaisyMaisyJessicaEmily Tue 08-May-12 14:18:12

oh gosh sad I am in tears here reading about your lovely boy, I am so so sorry for your loss and am sending all of you much love and strength and a virtual hug right now xxxx

MrsY Tue 08-May-12 14:32:02

Thank you.

Having a horriblye day today, I think it's hit me. On Thursday it will be a month since my beautiful boy was born/died (I never know which of the two to say).

I miss him so much, I wish I could hold him again and tell him how sorry I am that he isn't with us.

Life has to be pretty normal for our daughter, and so there are times when I'm not thinking of him, and it breaks my heart that I have forgotten about him. It reminds me that I wasn't paying attention to his movements on the last day. I feel so guilty for failing that one golden rule of motherhood - to think of your children before yourself.

Thank you for the virtual hug DMJE, am rather in need of one at the moment.

lucyellensmumnamechange Tue 08-May-12 14:44:56

You know he was destined to be an angel from the start, it wouldn't have changed a thing if you counted his movements - please don't beat yourself up over this. Life has to go on though, for your DD. My friend lost her little boy at a late stage of pregnancy. She thinks about him all the time, but not every single moment of every day. He is as much a part of her family as her other DC, she talks about him all the time.

DaisyMaisyJessicaEmily Tue 08-May-12 14:57:17

Lovey you are in no way shape or form to blame. Nobody is. please please don't blame yourselves.

Treats Tue 08-May-12 14:59:10

MrsY - I always describe November 30th 2011 as the day that my son was "here" - he was born and died on the same day too.

I couldn't read all of your post as it was a bit too close to my own experience for comfort (lost him at six hours old after a prolapsed cord cut off his oxygen during delivery). But I couldn't not post.

Try to get past your feelings of guilt. For me, it was essential to know that there was nothing that I or anyone else could have done to keep him with us. The grief is enough, I don't need guilt or anger as well.

Take comfort in your DD - you know that you CAN successfully carry a child. The grief and sadness are the price you're having to pay for wanting another child so much - and your DD will remind you that it's a price worth paying.

As soon as you feel ready, think about trying again for another child. I'm wrestling with unhelpful cycles at the moment, but the thought of having another baby in my life soon keeps me going.

Life will carry you forward - you'll still have to get up every day to look after your daughter and you'll find things to distract you. Don't worry about 'forgetting' Benedict - you never will. But you can't live every day with constant sadness. After a while you will find a safe place in your heart to tuck your thoughts of him away, ready to bring out when you have a quiet moment to yourself.

Keep as many mementoes of him as you can. The wonderful nurses at our hospital took his hand and footprints, and a lock of his hair and gave us an album of photos. I hope you had someone there to do similar for you. If not, make your own - a necklace, a sampler, a special plant in the garden.

We're five and a half months on, now. I'm amazed that we're still here, still having joyful moments, still thriving as a family. But we are. And so will you.

My thoughts are with you XX

BerryLellow Tue 08-May-12 15:19:34

So very sorry MrsY. Benedict is an utterly wonderful name, wishing you all peace x

Tee2072 Tue 08-May-12 15:28:02

I'm so sorry MrsY.

Henwelly Tue 08-May-12 15:38:20

You could not possibly have done anything to change this, the MW often tell us that babys movements slow before labour - there really was no way of knowing.

I'm so sorry for your loss xx

I don't normally post, but I couldn't not today. I'm so terribly sorry for your loss MrsY. I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling and as previous posters have said there are no words. Benedict is a beautiful name, and he will be with you in spirit for ever and ever. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers x

MadeInChinaBaby Tue 08-May-12 15:48:53

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I've shed a few tears for Benedict and just given my toddler an extra tight squeeze. Your love for him shines through your words here.

You have nothing to feel guilty about when you 'forget' him for a few moments whist everyday life goes on with your DD - it just means you're being a loving, attentive mother to her. I'm sure she's a great comfort to you now. Please be kind to yourself.

Hugs from me too. Xxx.

Abra1d Tue 08-May-12 15:51:30

I am so sorry.

MrsPear Tue 08-May-12 15:55:28

I am so very sorry for the loss of your little boy Benedict (what a beautiful name); my heart goes out to you and your family at this difficult.

If it is OK i will ask God to give you strength over the months to come.

MrsY Tue 08-May-12 16:18:47

Thank you all.

MrsPear, that's more than ok, that's just what I need. I've had a few 'angry with Him' moments, but I'm trusting Him to be forgiving. I keep being told how wonderful it is Benedict is with Him, and I know it is; but I'd so much rather he was with me.

5madthings Tue 08-May-12 16:31:13

another one in tears here, i am so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little boy and i agree he has a lovely name, take care and am thinking of you xxx

BumpingFuglies Tue 08-May-12 17:29:06

Dear MrsY, you are in my prayers. I wish you peace, hope and strength.

kizzie Tue 08-May-12 17:38:48

I am so so sorry that you and your family have had to go through this. Your beautiful little boy has certainly touched me today and Im glad that so many of your RL friends have been so proactive in showing their support.
I will be thinking of you in the coming weeks and months and I know that Benedict will always be a loved member of your family x

MrsY Tue 08-May-12 22:49:42

Our son, Benedict John Peanut was born at 6am on Tuesday, April 10th. I can’t quite remember the proper order of things since then. J called his parents and my mum. His parents had to wait for my BIL to get to theirs to watch our daughter and then they headed over, but my mum came straight round. E weighed and measured him and we got him dressed. He wore a blue knitted hat that the hospital had, a green and white stripy sleepsuit and a Tots Bots stretchy bamboozle. We held him until people arrived. My mum got there just before 7am, then my sister arrived a little bit later and then J’s parents. We all held him and talked to him. My BIL was able to join us after he had found someone to have my niece.

J and I thought about what we would call him, (something we had struggled with throughout the pregnancy). J had wanted Benedict but I’d said no because I’m not keen on Ben, but I thought it was appropriate under the circumstances (it means blessed), plus I didn’t think many people would shorten his name now. John is for his dad, and Peanut was what we called him throughout the pregnancy.

After a while, I felt really claustrophobic from all the emotion and asked everyone to leave. Then E took him to do hand and footprints, and a lock of his hair etc. for the SANDS box, and when she brought it through for us, we wrapped him in the blanket and I changed his hat for one my mum had knitted him.

Our minister arrived and Benedict was baptised. It was such a relief to have a full baptism service and I felt he was more protected after that. After the baptism, E left and after a while, the minister left too. Then our families left and we sat with our son. The hospital chaplain visited and discussed options for the funeral etc. Then the time had come to say goodbye to our beautiful boy, it was just the worst thing I’ve ever done. We said goodbye, and the mw took Benedict.

For the rest of the day, we were mainly in the room. We had food, we went for a wander, we tried to watch some television. The mws checked on me every hour to see what my bp was like (it was really high so they put me on meds) and I talked to umpteen doctors, mws and consultants. The following lunchtime we were able to go to the special suite they have, and I told J I wanted Benedict back. He wasn’t sure if Benedict would have changed already, but I asked a mw and she said it was fine. We were able to sit with him for another few hours. J called his brother and invited him and his wife to come up and meet Benedict; they had been looking after M the previous day so had missed meeting him.

We played him special music – Little Wing, some Elvis some Led Zep (no Beatles though, epic mistake) and told him who he should look out for in heaven. J wanted Benedict to find his grandfather who could teach him to play guitar, and I said my grandfather for some far-fetched tales of his youth! We told him stories of how we got together etc., and I read him a story (No Matter What). J’s brother and SIL arrived and were there for a couple of hours. We all had some more photos taken – his skin tone was more even and so it wasn’t so traumatic. It was nice to be normal and relaxed, and create some more positive memories. I thank God that we were able to spend that time with him; it was as close to him being alive as it could have been.

The next day we spent some more time with him. I was torn between wanting to get home and see our daughter, and not ever wanting to leave him. My bp was back to normal on the second lot of meds, and so we were discharged.
J was off work for a few days, but then needed to get back to reality. We started making decisions about the funeral. J was able to take time out to go to the undertakers when I needed him to, and friends and family were fantastic about watching M for us.

He and my mum and MIL were able to go back up to the hospital on the Saturday to see Benedict again, but I decided it was best not to. I regret that now and sadly when I decided I wanted to see him again, we were advised it was best if we didn’t. We were able to contact a lovely lady who visited him at the undertakers and took his hand and foot prints for us; we are having clay tiles made for us, and for family members. I’m also having a charm made.

His funeral was held on Thursday 26th April. We had Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring (had it at our wedding and at M’s baptism), Karl Jenkins’ Benedictus, from The Armed Man: A Mass for Peace, and Little Wing by Jimi Hendrix! E, who is Benedict’s Godmother was supposed to read the bible passage; Mark 10, 13-16, but she was ill so my sister read it. Then Benedict’s Godfather read No Matter What. We had some lovely prayers and some words from the minister. We chose a woollen casket, so we feel that he is cosy and warm despite where he is.

Then we went up to the cemetery. Words can’t adequately say how it feels to say that final goodbye. I’ve never been to a burial before, so it was a very surreal. We are lucky that the cemetery is beautiful and very well kept, and the area where is grave is, is particularly peaceful. Tomorrow; the day before the one month anniversary, I’m going up to see him. J has been up a few times, but for various reasons I haven’t. I need to do it at some point, so I think in that pulling off a plaster kind of way, I just have to do it.

Next Wednesday, J and I will go back to the consultant for a follow-up appointment. We aren’t expecting any more answers. We decided not to put Benedict through a post-mortem, so apart from some basic tests they have done on samples from him, and a raft of tests they ran on me, we won’t know any more facts about what happened. His cord was knotted is what is known as a ‘true knot’, as well as being wrapped around his neck twice. That, together with my blood pressure/PET is the likely cause of death.

I know they will mention future children. In my heart, I’d love another baby, a sibling for my lovely girl who was so looking forward to being a big sister. She often talks about her brother, and she had such big plans for teaching him to roll over, sit up, walk and talk. But the thought of going through the pain of ttc (it took years to conceive M), pregnancy (bleeds and PET) and birth again makes me feel physically sick. I know J would start trying now if he could, but I don’t think I’m strong enough.

I don’t know if I agree that it’s better to have loved and lost.

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