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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

What on earth can i say to remotely help?

48 replies

IamBlossom · 10/02/2006 13:28

i didn't want to post this in my ante-natal club thread as it just didn't seem the place. I found out yesterday that one of my friend, due her first baby next week, went into labour on Monday, and after 30 hours of complications and an emergency caesarean gave birth to a very brain damaged little boy, who survived one night in intensive care, then died.

She now has pnuemonia, but they took her off the ventilator this morning and seems to be getting stronger. She only found out about her baby yesterday as she had been sedated since it happened.

What on earth can I do? I am the last person on the planet she is going to want to see with my big baby bump and my blonde blue eyed toddler. All of her friends either have small children or are pregnant. It's so so so upsetting, i and my friends are absolutely devastated for her and her lovely DH, and I just want to wave a magic wand and make it all go away for her. These things happen to other people, not your friends!! Stupid I know but that's how I feel. They have changed their whole lives for this baby, the room is done, they have moved house, changed cars, left work as you do. And to go through the whole 9 months with a healthy pregnancy and to lose out so horrendously at the final hurdle, it just breaks my heart. How on earth do you ever get over something like this?

Anyway, if anyone has shared a similar horrific event, my heart goes out to you too, but if you can share any insight about what helped from your friends if anything, I would really like to hear from you.

xx

OP posts:

Report

IamBlossom · 10/02/2006 13:29

and how the hell does this stuff happen in 2006?? There was nothing wrong with the baby until labour started!!Why didn't they do a C-Section earlier FFS???

OP posts:

Wordsmith · 10/02/2006 13:45

I don't know what you could say to help Blossom, probably nothing, but do try and say something, or at least be there for her. If she doesn't want to see you, let her be the one to decide. I have no experiebnce of such a horrific bereavement but I do know that at times like this, friends' words of comfort do mean a lot.

Vala · 10/02/2006 13:48

Hi IamBlossom,
not quite the same, but I lost my first born at 33wks gest.
Uncomplicated preg ? started to bleed, went into labour ward ? couldn?t find anything on the foetal monitor ? scan also revealed no heartbeat. Induced labour ? gave birth to a boy 10 hours later.
My best friend was pg with her first at the time ? 7 weeks ahead of me, so her delivery was imminent.
She came round to see me the following afternoon and it didn?t even occur to me that I wouldn?t want to see her in her very full pregnant glory. I was more afraid of spoiling the rest of her pregnancy ? you just don?t want to know that things can go wrong once you?re that far ahead!!
Anyway, all was well until she actually had the baby ? a girl
It took me 6 weeks to pluck up the courage to go and see her.
Not that I resented her for having a healthy baby when I lost mine- far, far from it. I just didn?t know how I would react to the baby ? scared of how painful it might be. But do you know, in the end it wasn?t painful at all ? it was wonderful.

As to what you can do to make it better for her, I guess the simple answer is nothing.
As I?m sure many others here will testify, it?s something you have to go through and come out of on your own, in your own time.
Just be there to support her as and however you can. Listen to her. Let her cry and talk about her baby and cry some more.
The worst thing anyone could have done for me would be to not mention it or get embarrassed if I did ? I had to talk about him, ignoring what happened would have been like denying he ever existed ? I couldn?t do that although your friend may feel different about it. Take your que from her.
She?ll get there in the end.
I went on to have a healthy little boy 18months later.

RTKangaMummy · 10/02/2006 14:09

Send her a congratulations card for him

and write a letter to her saying that you are there for her

When DT1 died we wanted to be congratulated and people wrote to us

we still have the letters

Encourage her to see her DS and to have photos taken of him

Marina · 10/02/2006 14:15

Vala has said it very eloquently Iamblossom...the loneliest feeling at times like this is to feel people are avoiding you, in case they hurt your feelings or upset you.
I too had no problem with seeing friends who were pregnant or had newborns, although my feelings caught me out in unexpected ways sometimes
I'm very sorry indeed to hear about your friend's horrific experience and death of her baby.
I hope that someone has already put her in touch with SANDS . They provide support, advice and friendship to people whose babies die before, during or shortly after birth.
The answer to your question is that you don't ever get over the death of a baby. But you do gradually get used to life after bereavement, and the changed person that you are.
Your friends are lucky to have someone thoughtful like you to care about them and want to help.
Some practicalities: they might like a Treasure Box to put precious mementoes of their son in; encourage all your circle of friends to send them a card or letter - even if not read straightaway, the letters can go in the box and be kept until they feel ready.

Cristina7 · 10/02/2006 14:34

I agree with what others have said, especially "The worst thing anyone could have done for me would be to not mention it or get embarrassed if I did ? I had to talk about him, ignoring what happened would have been like denying he ever existed".

I also liked receiving flowers from a friend. I had carried that baby, I had gone through the birth.

One of the worst things was that a cousin who was pregnant at the time wasn't told that Louis had been stillborn, as if it was catching somehow.

Marina · 10/02/2006 14:35

Cristina re keeping the news of Louis' stillbirth from your cousin. Nothing like making you feel a total pariah, is there

Cristina7 · 10/02/2006 14:47

Yes, Marina, she was about 6 months behind me too, so a long time it had to be hushed up. The thought of all those phone calls between family members (DH's family) to ensure we don't meet meanwhile still makes me sick.

Vala · 10/02/2006 14:54

Marina ? Cristina or anyone else ? did you find it any comfort when people reminded you that it happens to SO many others ? or is just me that didn?t - like that made it alright that it happened to me then.
Sorry Blossom, maybe a bit of a hijack here, but thought it might give some insight for ?what not to say? for you.

Kitty4Paws · 10/02/2006 15:04

No real experience of this, just for your friend.

I did though make a cross-stitch sampler for an online friend who lost at 28w, he lived just a few hours.

I did it just as I have in the past for other babies: name, date, weight etc. In fact I think I put more love in to that sampler than any I have done. My friend keeps it with his things in a little box.

Such hard, hard news, I agree with the others though, please don't feel you have to hide, she will need you.

Becky

IamBlossom · 10/02/2006 15:15

thankyou everyone, this does give me an insight. i would never not mention it, or pretend it hadn't happened, i agree that is the worst possible thing.

OP posts:

Marina · 10/02/2006 15:16

Vala, bit of a double-edged sword for me personally as Tom died in utero at 21 weeks, so medically he was a second trimester induced miscarriage
You don't really read much about deaths between 12 and 24 weeks - it's often just alluded to briefly in miscarriage books and literature, and the Miscarriage Association's own leaflets were amongst the most inappropriate stuff I was given ("you may be aware of passing the sac" FFS )
So, it was sort of a comfort to hear from SANDS and also from my consultant that the death of a baby around 21 weeks wasn't freakishly unusual.
But, hearing it from well-meaning relatives etc didn't help at all, I totally agree.
Cristina, although not for the same reasons, I felt Tom's death was hushed up too by some of my family. My mother especially thought it was freakish and morbid that we had photos, a very small and quiet funeral, and even a name for our son. She was incapable of concealing those feelings from me and it led to quite a rift between us at the time.
How awful for you

Vala · 10/02/2006 15:38

Yes Marina ? I did mean friends and relatives ? not SANDS or any other such organisation - not that I got to speak to any of them, but that?s a whole other thread.

It was just the way that people suddenly started trotting out great lists of all the women they know who had similar happen to them ? not so much the saying, but the matter of fact way it was said that almost dismissed the fact that it had happened to me ? like it should be expected somehow.
It just made me so angry at the time ? an I suppose it still does other wise I wouldn?t be keen to bring it up as a no, no now.
Agree about the Treasure box , cards/letters and photos - very hard at the time but a great comfort now.
Blossom, don?t be upset if your friends decide to have a private funeral ? I know I just couldn?t cope with the idea of having to deal with loads of upset friends and relations ? I couldn?t even contemplate it.
We had just the three of us ? dp, myself and of course Alex ? our dear lost baby.
Very surreal ? even the Chaplin or what ever he was actually sat with us to do the service.

Marina · 10/02/2006 15:45

Vala, SANDS is always happy to help people however recent or not their bereavement. It can take years for parents to feel they can approach the organisation for help.
We had about 10 of us in the choirstalls at church. But just me, dh, Tom and the priest at the crematorium for the last goodbye.

006 · 10/02/2006 15:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marina · 10/02/2006 15:51

I am sure you did not make things worse 006. I was glad to hold a Mn friend's chunky older baby and know she trusted me not to make off with it. I should think she was jolly glad of your sympathetic company.

Vala · 10/02/2006 15:56

I agree completely with Marina, your friend needed you to trust her not to run off with the baby as much as she needed to trust herself.
No way would you have made things worse ? you were there for her ? all she needed.

006 · 10/02/2006 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FirstNikki · 10/02/2006 17:09

so sorry to hear this about your friend IamBlossom I would probably show her by a card or flowers etc that you are thinking of her and her dh and that you are there if she wants your support.

Kbear77 · 11/02/2006 05:05

Not that I can possibly compare to what I have been through, but when it comes to comfort, my Dad wrote a little poem that was so very beautiful and was just what we needed to hear/read.
**
We know your hearts are hurting
Our words can not convey
Our throughts of love are with you
On this and every day
**
My parents sent that written on a little card which was delivered with a beautiful arrangement of flowers to hubby and I after our miscarraige. To me personally it said everything. I was not in a position to talk to anyone straight away - no matter who they were. This was of great comfort and allowed us to know that we were deeply cared for and that they were there for us.

I agree with acknowledging the little one. The idea of a sampler would mean a great deal. Even a framed acknowledgement of all details... Full name chosen at the top, then the date, time, weight of birth, length...anything you can find out. Not forgetting to address the parents or other siblings also. Like "A beautiful baby boy for... A little brother for..." Then finishing with something along the lines of 'Forever in our hearts'

The last thing your friends would want is for anyone to act as though their much wanted son never existed. That would be a whole other dimention of grief in itself.

What a special friend you are!!! You obviously care so very much for her. If she read what you wrote (in time when appropriate) I think she'd be incredibly touched.

Wishing you, your friend and her family much love and support.
XXXXX

Kitty4Paws · 13/02/2006 00:12

Just as addition to my post above,
I have a lovely, but very easy to do, pattern of a baby for a cross-stitch sampler.

The baby is a tiny newborn curled up sleeping, very, very sweet and the colours could be matched to the baby's hair colour etc.

I could send you a copy of the pattern if you would like.

It is very sweet of you to think of your friend so throughfully.

IamBlossom · 13/02/2006 09:05

thankyou very much Kitty4paws, how kind of you to offer. i am embarassed to say it, but I am probably the least domesticated woman on this planet and would not have a clue how to even attempt reading a cross stitch pattern let alone having a stab, but I really appreciate your offer, and it has given me some good ideas about what I can get for them that might be more meaningful than a bunch of flowers. Thanks again. By the way she is home now, and hoepfully on the mend, physically anyway.

xx

OP posts:

Hulababy · 13/02/2006 09:49

Hopw about a bush or tree for them to plant in their garden, in memory of their little boy?

snailspace · 13/02/2006 10:40

Message withdrawn

threelittlebabies · 13/02/2006 11:43

I agree, snowdrops would be good. Snowdrops are particularly apt, as they are for rememberance. You can get nice cards with them on too. I also agree with what everyone has said- she will IME appreciate you seeing her, talking to her and mentioning her son, as with most people she will not get to do that I felt when I lost my son it was worse if people with babies stayed away from me, I felt more hurt that way.

Flip

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