Wives/girlfriends of widowers?

(12 Posts)
Chavmum Sun 01-Apr-12 15:09:34

Tell me how you deal with it

Chavmum Sun 01-Apr-12 16:22:48

Anyone?

Chavmum Sun 01-Apr-12 21:07:45

Bump?

everlong Sun 01-Apr-12 21:12:16

Hi chavmum I'm sorry there have been no replies for you yet.

I've no experience sorry.

Are you married to a widower?

Blondeshavemorefun Mon 02-Apr-12 01:00:17

im assuming it is very hard

ive recently met a man and he is such an understanding respectful caring man who tbh im quite surprised he has hung about and hasnt ran for the hills

the stuff and emotions he has had to deal with me have been hard and personally i think it takes a very strong person to be able to go out with someone who has been widowed - esp in my circumstances by suicide

tbh i am not sure i could go out with someone who had been widowed, knowing what i know - iyswim

MagsyMoo5 Thu 05-Apr-12 11:28:40

Hi Chavmum,

I am a girlfriend of a widower. I am though in the main very very happy as my guy does his up-most to ensure I am No.1, not only by him but also friends, relatives etc. There are however some sensitive issues that we work around together as a team. I do think though that if he were divorced there would be other issues just not the same!
I believe that the only way to deal with this kind of relationship ( or any other) is to remain positive, anchored in the present, not the past, and to look forward to what life may bring in the future & both parties need to have this frame of mind.
However, I do have a friend who lost her hubby 3 and half years ago and still finds it difficult to move forward & has lost recent new relationships because of this... she is desperately trying to overcome this as this is really holding her back. As her friend I look at her & think she so deserves to find new happiness. AND that is the key it is not about moving on and forgetting - it about finding NEW happiness which we all deserve. My friend is only 43 she could live another 40 years - I want her to enjoy love, family, holidays , Christmas - cold nights & warm sunny days ........... life is too short to stay stuck for too long. If you can find a way to move forward then go for it.

I am not sure of your circumstances Chavmum but sometimes people have not yet reached the turning point - maybe your guy is still stuck??
My BF is a very positive person about everything - he is a glass over flowing type person! He considers himself fortunate that he had a good marriage that produced two great kids & through just bad luck lost his wife. But that was then & this is now. Now he has an opportunity (that whilst he did not ask for) - can enjoy another successful relationship. Of course it will be different as I am not the same & him + me together creates a different kind of relationship to him + late wife. But that's a good thing. It is not better or worse - just different and he can truly hold the memory of his late wife sacred. But importantly physically & mentally that is in the past and carefully and lovingly boxed away and cherished and remembered every now & then.

My BF and I have just come back from holiday with his children & we had a whale of a time! They are now away with their maternal grandparents and we both will collect them this weekend and have Easter with them at their home. While I am a little worried ( ee one of my earlier posts a weeks or so back) I am more concerned that not everyone in the family has moved on & I feel for them & feel guilty sometimes. But also , I think it is important to remember that any new GF or BF of a widow/er has their own story too.... they may have suffered heart break and also looking for love & companionship. We all deserve love and to be happy.

It is equally important for both sides to be understanding of the others needs.
We plan every month what we are doing next to have fun, and move forward. Including how to integrate me fully with his children as the plan is that I will move in later this year & then we will look for what we call 'our fresh start' home. Sometimes we have slowed things down a little for the kids but they too deserve happiness and they won't forget their Mum but they do need to be happy & successful in their own right and losing their Mum should instil in them the fortitude to deal with life but that you can still have a wondrous time in the future. I know that their Mum will want that for all of them.

So to sum up from my experience the key to dealing with this kind of relationship is for both parties to be anchored in the here & now , focus on future happiness , bring with you occasionally good stuff from the past - but leave unhappiness behind and neither of you should focus on the fact that you were once happy with someone else, regardless of how you lost those past loves.

Hope this helps xxx

TrollopDollop Thu 05-Apr-12 19:06:25

What a beautiful post. I am quite teary now.

Blondeshavemorefun Thu 05-Apr-12 19:16:55

magsy- how long have you been seeing your bf? how long ago was he widowed? what ages are his kids?

and yes lovely post - everyone deserves a chance to find love again and i hope your friend does x

MagsyMoo5 Sat 07-Apr-12 08:12:01

Hello BlondesHMF

Thanks for your comment. and i see that you have suffered a very tough loss. I hope you are finding ways to heal . You say in an earlier post that you've recently met someone - well good luck!

I've been dating my widower for a year next month and we are going away for a week just the 2 of us to celebrate! He was widowed 2 years ago after his wife died a very painful death from cancer .The children are in their early teens now but were of course younger when their Mum died & under 10 when she became very ill. But they are great children and being teens have lots of fun as well as sulkssmile))! I do not have children and this probably helps our relationship.

My friend lost her hubby in a car accident - so very sudden and out of the blue.
I imagine each loss is slightly different...... And a sudden loss perhaps takes longer to come to terms with. And I do think that the feeling of guilt by those left is the biggest obstacle to overcome.Naturally you feel sad for the person that's gone. My friends hubby was also my friend and I had to ID his body after the accident to help my devastated friend. I felt so sad and cross for him as he was planning so much & they were trying for a family.

But what happened happened. I really believe that people should not feel guilty about moving on. But feeling guilt shows that you were and are capable of love & that is a great quality! And we can all love more than one.

I hope you are managing to allow yourself to enjoy what this new guy has to offer - it sounds as though you very much deserve it and you obviously have lots of love to give smile) so don't deny someone else receiving that natural caring side you have.

Have you heard of Abel Keogh? It's worth googling his website - he lost his wife through suicide while she was also just pregnant with their first child- unimaginable ......but he is now happily married with children and he is living proof you can find love and love again.

Xxx

Chavmum Sat 07-Apr-12 14:56:54

Magsy moo, thanks for your lovely post. I'm glad all is working out for you. The issue isn 't really my bf, its me! Maybe i could inbox you rather than post on here?

Blondeshavemorefun Sun 08-Apr-12 22:55:36

thanks magsy - took me by suprise tbh butthere we go

Chavmum, got to this late. I am a wife of a widower, who lost his first wife to cancer and am really struggling at the moment as it is causing all sorts of issues on both our sides. If you got any advice or gems of wisdom when you posted this, could you pass them on please!

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