Advice on grieving for the sudden death of a child

(49 Posts)
bagladywilts Wed 10-Aug-11 21:20:34

Last week my 3 year old tragically died as the result of an accident. We are utterly heartbroken and trying to stay strong for our other children. We have been referred to counselling but it is very general and I do not think our counsellor is able to help much with our situation. Can anyone suggest people, places or literature that could help us? Besides being enormously sad we are also trying to be practical in seeking help. I would also love to hear from anyone who has been through something similar.

oh baglady, I am so, so sorry sad

I haven't been through anything like this myself, but sadly there are many on here who have and who I know can offer a huge amount of support and friendly ears.

<hugs>

MrsJamesMartin Wed 10-Aug-11 21:23:02

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.

I do not have personal experience of this but there is a support group called Compassionate Friends who support parents who have lost children.

rocketeer Wed 10-Aug-11 21:23:38

I don't have any advice, I'm sure someone much wiser will come along but I didn't want to ignore this. I'm so sorry for your loss xx

activate Wed 10-Aug-11 21:23:40

Winstons Wish is the site you need

I am sorry for your loss

xyz2011 Wed 10-Aug-11 21:24:16

My heart goes out to you and I am sorry for you loss..
A fantastic mumsnetter explained the stages of bereavement as my nephew passed away 2years ago, I wanted to help my sister, this really helped.I will try and find this link for you xx

HumphreyCobbler Wed 10-Aug-11 21:24:22

I am so very sorry. I know that sadly there are people here who have been in your situation and I am sure they will be along soon.

activate Wed 10-Aug-11 21:24:53
Bohica Wed 10-Aug-11 21:26:41

winstons wish

I'm so sorry for your loss, how are you coping day to day?

Mavend Wed 10-Aug-11 21:27:47

I'm so so sorry for your loss.I haven't lost a child so am probably not much use but have found winstonswish.org.uk to be helpful for ds when his dad died.There are also organisations such as CRUSE beravement care will try to find link and post.I know there are ongoing threads on here from Mums who have sadly lost their children.Once again I am so sorry for your lossxHopefully someone better information will reply soon.<<HUG>>

Mavend Wed 10-Aug-11 21:29:19
xyz2011 Wed 10-Aug-11 21:30:52
ithaka Wed 10-Aug-11 21:32:36

I am very sorry for your loss. My son died suddenly and tragically 10 years ago. We are surviving and our daughter was/is the main reason we were able to keep going. I found Compassionate Friends very helpful - they have a wealth of different resources and a postal library I used to borrow books for me and my daughter.

I never found counselling any good, all counsellors had never experienced anything as horrific as what we were going through (there was a court case) and were totally out of their depth.

Sorrow comes in great waves - it is a bit like contractions, just keep breathing through them and you will get periods of respite, which become longer over the years, although the pain never goes.
Take care.

NasalCoffeeEnema Wed 10-Aug-11 21:33:12

I am no use but I wanted to say how sorry I am

Lilyloo Wed 10-Aug-11 21:34:58

So sorry there is a thread on here that may help here

Mavend Wed 10-Aug-11 21:35:09

www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk hope this works this time

LaVitaBellissima Wed 10-Aug-11 21:36:50

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for you sad hope the links others have given you help.

So very, very sorry to hear such sad news. Can I suggest a very special thread on Mumsnet?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/1247195-Love-like-starlight-never-dies-Our-precious-children-sparkling-in-the-sky-xx

We are a group of Mums who have been bereaved of our precious children. We are all different ages and with different experiences. Some precious children stillborn, some older children, and some adult children. We all can speak freely in our 'safe haven' nobody judges anybody. We laugh, cry, scream and support each other.

xx

Baglady I am so sorry and as I can't do anything to help, I have lit a candle for you and your family at the Church.
I don't know if you are religious but it is lit with best intentions and thoughts.
TC xx

Nat38 Wed 10-Aug-11 21:49:28

Again, not much help, but I feel so much for you. Dread to think how I would cope. Really hope you find the support you need.

Toobluntforboss Wed 10-Aug-11 21:50:13

I am so very sorry for your loss also and hope you find the strength you need.

bagladywilts Wed 10-Aug-11 22:10:29

Thank you all. I cannot begin to describe how I feel. My feelings change by the minute and while utterly exhausted I cannot sleep. I know the pain will subside but that will also mean moving on in life without her. Today I was especially missing her physical prescence,.. her hand in mine and the shape of her back in my arms when we cuddled. I am just so so sad.

picnicbasketcase Wed 10-Aug-11 22:14:09

I'm so sorry for you and your family. Wishing you all the strength and support in the world.

ShirleyKnot Wed 10-Aug-11 22:16:45

Oh Bagladywilts.

I think everyone before me has linked to all the sites I'd have sent you to.

Here holding your hand - I'm so sorry.

Bohica Wed 10-Aug-11 22:19:29

Oh bag sad you must feel so lonely without her, have you had a look at shabba's link? There is a fantastic portal of support & help within that link.

Are you making plans for the funeral or do you have family/friends helping you?

x

Sirzy Wed 10-Aug-11 22:19:53

No advise and can't even begin to imagine what your going through but thoughts and prayers are with you and your family x

I'm so sorry for your and your families loss and my thoughts and prayers are with you. sad

YummyHoney Wed 10-Aug-11 22:35:53

I'm afraid I, too, am of no use to you - having never experienced anything like this, but just want to say I can totally empathise with you and hope you can find some way of coping as a family.

Bag - you will be saddened and shocked to know how many other families are devestated by the loss of a precious child. I used to think I was the only one and then you get talking to other people and realise the enormity of it.

I lost one of my twin baby boys in 1982 he was almost 8 months old and died from massive heart problems that he was born with. Then my DS3 was knocked down and killed in an horrific accident in 1992 when he was almost 8 years old.

The grief for your precious child is something that I know hurts so much - physically and emotionally. I found the only way to 'get through' the early days was telling everybody my story and talking about my sons constantly. I am holding you in my thoughts and in my heart xxx

EggyAllenPoe Wed 10-Aug-11 22:36:33

so sorry baglady - losing a child is just really, really crap.

I think it may help to know - it gets better, the way you feel now is not forever. you don't forget them. you can talk about them, and sometimes the funny happy memories are funny and happy. you have had your child taken, but that 3 years does not vanish from your life. talking with your other children helps.

the guilt, fear and anger that come with this pain - they come and go. they don't need to be there all the time.

we had a holiday - it helped us.

i don't want to be too prescriptive as this is such a personal thing, and you may feel pressure - to be 'well' too soon, or, conversely, to be in perpetual grief and not enjoy anything. laughing is ok - so is crying. there isn't a right way to do this, because in a 'right' world, no-one would have to do it.

lavandes Thu 11-Aug-11 07:53:22

I am so sorry you have lost your precious daughter baglady. Can I repeat what shabs said and let you know that you will find lots of support and understanding on the bereaved mum's link. My son died suddenly last year and all the other mums have given me so much help, we all support eachother and no-one is ever judged. Please talk to us when you feel ready. Life can be so cruel and unfair xxx

zeno Fri 12-Aug-11 20:35:57

Hello Bag. Our four year old dd died suddenly from a virus three years ago, so I know some of what you are going through now. I'm so sorry this has hapened to your family.

On a practical level, I recommend this resource which is a printable sheet of tips on how to help bereaved parents. Print some out and hand them to the people who ask how they can help, and to the people who say they don't know what to say or do. Ask a friend or two to hand them round or email the link around. We were incredibly fortunate in having someone we knew hand this round and I believe it made a massive difference in how we came through, especially in the first weeks and months. People want to help, but culturally they are often clueless as to how to go about it, and this goes some way to fixing that problem.

Bereavement counselling is best done by a specialist in my experience, so it's worth giving someone a mission to track down a local bereavement counsellor. I was advised to wait a few weeks before counselling as it's generally not much help immediately - too much exhaustion and shock to get through.

I recognise the physical craving you describe. For me, it is cupping my daughter's chin, her jawline so utterly perfect and beautiful. If there's anything at all you want to share or ask about please feel free to message me.

Sending you love and strength.

sh77 Tue 16-Aug-11 12:08:24

So so sorry. My heart is breaking reading your post. I lost DD very unexpectedly a day after she was born. I can't imagine what losing a child after 3 years is like.

How you deal with this will depend a lot on your personality. I kept it all inside, withdrew, isolated myself. However, I know people who are able and want to talk about their grief openly. I just did not see the point n talking about my pain to people who had not been there. Also, you may find that you grieve differently to your child's father.

I wished that I could speak to someone face to face who went through the same but I never did. If you want someone to talk to, please PM me. I am 2 years down the line in my grief.
xx

TheEarlOfDoncaster1963 Wed 21-Sep-11 23:27:27

feel free to pm me if you would like to talk - I lost my son at six months old in a tragic accident. It was 8 years ago but feels like yesterday sometimes. I would love to help you in any way I can.

SanctiMoanyArse Wed 21-Sep-11 23:32:38

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I hope when you are ready you look at the MN thread; I know people who have posted there and it truly is a wonderful place.

BranchingOut Wed 21-Sep-11 23:42:57

I am so sorry. That is awfully, desperately sad.

I hope that some of the wise and amazing women on here will be able to relieve your pain, do keep posting.

AnxiousElephant Thu 22-Sep-11 00:13:09

No words will help or heal right now and I can't say that I know how it feels. I can only imagine your pain and the loss you must feel sad. I am so sorry to hear about your little girl and only hope in time that you will be able to smile when you think of her funny ways and the things she said and that her memories help you to carry on xxx I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you xxx

gingegirl Sat 22-Oct-11 10:27:30

Hi baglady, know sort of how your feeling. My son passed away in may aged 2. He was born with Williams syndrome, he seemed reasonably well in himself, we knew he had a minor heart condition he went into hospital for a rutine test and suffered 5 cardiac arrests in four hours, we had to make the decision to turn off his life support machine.
Even though he had special needs he was never expected to die!! His case is unique apparently!
We are having some councilling through the hospital where he died but my 7 year old daughter is really struggling at the moment so think we will have to look into some specialised counselling for her.

Betelguese Sun 30-Oct-11 21:18:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FunnysInTheGarden Sun 30-Oct-11 21:25:20

so sorry that this awful thing has happened. It is every parents worst fear. Take strength from all the lovely people here. And I in turn will thank god that for today it isn't my turn to loose a child, for it can happen to any of us without a moments notice.

Once again so sorry it was you this time xxx

Noodlemacdoodle Wed 09-Nov-11 12:09:43

www.achildofmine.co.uk might also help you. I am so very, very sorry.

YaMaYaMa Wed 09-Nov-11 12:14:19

I am so sorry that this has happened, I cannot imagine how you must feel. Sending you lots of love and prayers.

singer99 Fri 23-May-14 22:21:45

Dear bagladywilts.
It looks like it is now three years since you lost your little one.
I wonder how you are coping now.
I lost my 32 year old disabled son on August 6th last year. On this Tuesday it would have been his birthday.
How do you get through this. He was the most amaizing, wonderful, intelligent young man. I am close to tears a lot of the time. I can't bare being without him.
As you will guess by my name I am a singer. I have to go on stage and pretend nothing's wrong, but inside my heart is breaking.
I really hope you are doing well. Does time heal this empty ache I feel?

LilyTheSavage Sun 25-May-14 15:22:54

Hi baglady.
I'm so so sorry about your darling daughter. I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but at the moment for me, it's still too soon and too raw and painful to say that. My darling second son died in an accident in August. He was 21 years 5 months and 3 days old. Jut typing those words makes me weep. It still seems like yesterday but years ago all at once.

I've "met" some lovely mums who are in the same situation as us in as much as they have all lost sons or daughters. Our situations are all different but the same. I've put a link below. I hope it might bring you some crumb of comfort to talk to others in the same situation.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/2052800-Our-special-thread-where-we-can-be-who-we-are-A-thread-to-remember-our-children-who-are-no-longer-physically-here-Our-safe-haven

Sending you love. thanks

Ozne Mon 26-May-14 20:29:08

Hi baglady. I'm so sorry this has happened in your family. Our firstborn dd died suddenly and unexpectedly aged 4, whilst I was heavily pregnant with dd2.

As lots have said already, Winston's Wish are wonderful. Also, the child death helpline, for talking to someone who has been in your shoes, and the Samaritans for the dark hours of the night (you don't actually have to be suicidal to phone them).

One day at a time, keep breathing, keep eating, sleep when you can. Take every bit of help you can get.

for the Family/Family Life/Bereavement/How You Can Help Bereaved Parents NEW 2013.pdf Here is a link to an invaluable sheet of tips for how to support bereaved parents. Send the link to someone lovely and get them to give out copies to the people around you - many people need help with how to help, otherwise they panic and don't know what to do or say. Please do this - someone handed them round here and we were supported incredibly well by our friends and community. It really does make a big difference and we are massively grateful to the person who handed them round.

If you want to pm me please do. We are now 6 years on from dd's death. We are survivors. You will be too.

Ozne Mon 26-May-14 20:30:29

Link fail. Sorry.

http://www.careforthefamily.org.uk/Resources/Care for the Family/Family Life/Bereavement/How You Can Help Bereaved Parents NEW 2013.pdf

It's the tips for supporting bereaved parents sheet on the care for the family website.

BumWad Wed 28-May-14 05:07:13

I am so sorry for your loss.

It does get better I promise x

DippyEggNSolders Wed 28-May-14 06:33:43

This is an old thread, singer was asking how the OP was doing, 3 years on sad

Hogwash Wed 11-Jun-14 20:46:01

So sorry for your loss too Singer.

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