what should I get/do for someone who has lost a baby?

[thisisyesterday]

a friend of mine has just had her second baby, very sadly he was stillborn :(

I got some flowers and took them round to her mum's house for her, but I want to get a card as well... I want to congratulate her on her perfect new baby (baby is utterly gorgeous and perfect) but I don't want to upset her, or her husband.
Do I get a new baby card or a sympathy card? or just one with a nice picture and use it as both?

I don't want to upset/offend them but equally I'd like to be there for them if they need it.

it's just too sad and so, so unfair :(

[thisisyesterday]

sorry, have just realised this should maybe be in bereavement?? will get MN to move it

[MadameCastafiore]

Get her a lovely wooden box to store all of the babies stuff in - cards, pictures, hospital tag etc.

That us what I did for my sister and she was very grateful - got the idea from MN.

[thisisyesterday]

thanks MadameC. her Mum said the hospital have given them a keepsake box which they're already using, although maybe a wooden one would be nicer? I hav e no idea

I can't imagine how she is getting through this tbh, it's just so awful :(

[thisisyesterday]

bumping for any other thoughts

[fergoose]

when this happened to a friend of mine I went round with food every couple days- boring but practical. Cottage pies, soups, lasagne - anything they could easily warm up. I also took away her ironing - made her cups of tea etc. The best thing I can advise is just go round, give her a cuddle, and keep talking. Many people kept away as they didn't know what to say.

I got her a tree to plant, which flowers around the anniversary - and years later it gives her lots of comfort.

[Shhhh]

can I ask for advice here...?
sorry to hijack thisis...

my friend also had her first baby almost 2 weeks ago, also stillborn..
She isn't a close friend iykwim but is imo a friend.

Dh & I sent them flowers&card & I have text her twice since, just basically telling her that we are about and how sad we are for their loss and that they are in our thoughts daily.

what do I do now.? I tried calling yesterday and I really didn;t think she would answer and she didn't but did text me thanking me and apologising that she cant talk atm.
Apologies are not needed, I just feel so lost for them.

I plan to leave it now till they contact us... is that best or do I try and text/call again in a few weeks/month..? I don't want to pester and also I don't want them and their baby forgotten iykwim... How do I go forward.?

fergoose, good idea about the tree and I intend to do that with my friend. (not the same I know..but I had mc's before dd and I found planting a rose bush helpful. Something to watch grow and blossom and to remind me quietly of my loss and of what I have now.)

[thisisyesterday]

no problem hijacking, though it's sad that you need to :(

meals are good idea, as is a tree, although I think they plan on moving in the not too distant future so maybe something smaller and moveable would be better

i think the hard thing is knowing when to do things, i realise that all they want now is to be together with their close family and their older child and it's hard knowing how to show that you are there without intruding isn't it?

i read on the sands website that 17 babies are stillborn in the uk every single day. i can't believe that, 17 families go through this every single day... it's just heartbreaking

[Shhhh]

I agree thisis..
After I heard about my friend I googled it..wish I hadn't. The stories..the photos..totally heardbreaking. I felt physically sick. Goodness knows how people function afterwards..

I went onto sands website and I dontated. I also got lots of useful info for myself really. To help me to understand more and what my friend is going through.

Its shocking that its still something that happens daily. Just seems to be on the increase imo or maybe women talk more these days.?

[fergoose]

It is so awful - I remember being so upset myself when it happened to my friend, which seems really selfish I know! It was such a shock, and so heartbreaking seeing them all so upset.

I would advise to try to keep in touch with your friends - you can send a text, a little note through the door, casserole on the doorstep, etc. You don't need to stay for any time at all, just keep contact open if possible. I just remember people staying away as they didn't know what to say, and this hurt my friend a lot.

[fergoose]

Sounds a bit odd but a picture frame can be a nice gift. Hopefully the hospital and themselves will have photographs and they may want to frame them. or maybe a personalised photo album instead?

[Shhhh]

good ideas fergoose. I agree about the congrats card as well. Must admit, I was in no doubt about what card to send.. its was blank. I wrote my own message.

Didn't seem right sending a new baby or congrats one.

[thisisyesterday]

well i thought that, but when i talked to her mum she said she just wanted to shout from the rooftops that she'd had a baby, and that she was hurt to only get sympathy rather than acknowledgement that her little boy had been born

that said, i think i will go with just a plain card and write something lovely in it

[sleeppeacefullybabyboy]

hey, couldnt read n run. My beautiful boy was stillborn at christmas 2010. So very sad to hear of your friends loss, just a few things i could think of that were really special too me and might be of help, my friend bought me a 'name a star' which i named after my little man, another friend bought me a necklace inside it had a grain of rice which had his name written on(i can send you the link if you wanted) Both of these were so very special as a lot of care had obviously gone into these gifts.

Also, i felt v.v isolated because people 'gave me time', i didnt want time to be left alone, i wanted a friend who i could talk to about my baby, i wanted to talk about every tiny detail of how beautiful he was. I found it very difficult that people didnt contact me :( i felt as if i had done something wrong. just a simple text like 'thinking of you' is really appreciated. Another thing, people said 'if there is anything i can do let me know' but i was in such a state i was not in a place to ask people for help, i needed people to do practical things for me, without me asking, like phone me. These things ring true with lots of other people i have spoken to who's babies have died.

I am 7months down the line and feel as if people have forgotten and everyone has moved on and im stuck in a v.v dark place, keep letting your friend know you are thinking of here...long term, and remember important dates...mothers day, xmas, babys birth day etc etc


Hope i have been of some help....

thinking of you and your friend.xx

[thisisyesterday]

sleeppeacefully, thank you so much for replying. I am so sorry to hear about your baby boy :(

I did get my friend a necklace actually! with the baby's name on one side and his birthdate on the other. I love the sound of yours with the grain of rice in though, that's pretty amazing!

she's doing "ok" right now (for ok read, as well as can be expected). I've dropped meals over for her, and keep up a (possibly irritating) stream of texts and little messages via facebook.

I'm really sorry to hear you're having a hard time of it now, it must be really difficult when everyone else seems to move on and forget and you're still grieving and missing your baby :(
have you seen the bereaved mums thread on here? so sad that there are so many people on it, but a very supportive place for anyone who has lost a child of any age

[overthemill]

apart from obviously being gentle and supportive do practical stuff too, i was touched by meals being brought round, by someone offering to look after dd, by another person who sent their dad round to cut the grass. little things but oh so welcome.
i am sorry, it is hard