Am waiting for THAT call.

(62 Posts)
bonkerz Fri 14-Oct-05 23:21:56

My mums in hospital. She has been ill for years but got really bad 2 days ago after being in hospital for 7 weeks. Her liver and kidneys have failed and doctors say she wont make it through the night. Am in Basingstoke with all my family (havent been together for atleast 20 years like this) Hospital have rung to say that she had a fit and is in a comatised state. We are now waiting for the call to say she has gone. How am i meant to be feeling? Im hoping for her sake its quick because the woman i saw tonight is not my mum. She was incoherant and im not even sure she knew i was there. how do i deal with this? Ive been very sheltered from death and have never seen anyone this close to going!

hunkerpumpkin Fri 14-Oct-05 23:23:31

I'm so sorry, Bonkerz. I'm glad all your family is together - have no idea how you cope with it, just wanted to post. I'm so very sorry

FrightfullyPoshFloss Fri 14-Oct-05 23:23:53

Are you sure you don't want to go in?

So sorry this is happening to you. I hope it happens peacefully for your mum. xxx

WigWamBam Fri 14-Oct-05 23:24:22

Oh, bonkerz, I've no idea how you deal with this but couldn't not reply. I'm glad you've got people with you to help deal with this. Lots of love, hope you're coping OK.

lockets Fri 14-Oct-05 23:24:38

oh Bonkerz how awful for you.
Don't know what to say apart from I am so sorry and hope you and your family are okay.

soapbox Fri 14-Oct-05 23:25:52

bonkerz - sounds awful

I would go to the hospital now tbh!

So sorry for you

bonkerz Fri 14-Oct-05 23:27:10

hospital have said there is no point going in as they are trying to stop the fits. She is unconcious and hospital have said they will not resusitate. Was there for 5 hours tonight and she had the fit witin 20 minutes of us all leaving. We have all said goodbye and left her with music on and stuff , i know we cant do anything else.

Its horrid seeing someone in this state, she wasnt the woman i know and love. We are all preying its quick and painless. Just feel completely numb cos i need to be strong for everyone.

WigWamBam Fri 14-Oct-05 23:29:27

You don't need to be strong for everybody at all; the rest of your family are big and ugly enough to look after themselves. Don't put too much burden onto your own shoulders.

bonkerz Fri 14-Oct-05 23:32:10

thanks WWB. Havent told DS or DSD what is happening as was on holiday and have had to cut it short. They know nanny is poorly and in hospital but how do you tell a 4 and 5 year old that someone is dead? Am really trying to keep it together for them and also this little girl in my tummy. Why is life SO unfair.

Does this sound stupid but i feel too young to be an orphan.

HuggyBear Fri 14-Oct-05 23:32:27

thoughts to you bonkerz

((( hugs )))

Aero Fri 14-Oct-05 23:33:28

Bonkerz - I'm so sorry. Off to bed and just about to shut down pc and saw this - couldn't ignore. Wish I could offer something more helpful/comforting...........You will be strong when you need to be, Im sure but just make sure you too have someone to lean on, and take care of you. Thinking of you.

Aero xx

WigWamBam Fri 14-Oct-05 23:34:44

It doesn't sound stupid at all.

Don't worry about what you're going to tell the children; you'll find the words when you need them.

I wish I could jump down the internet and give you a hug, you sound as if you could use one.

Aero Fri 14-Oct-05 23:35:11

me too WWB.

HRHQoQ Fri 14-Oct-05 23:35:44

hugs to you and your family Bonkerz - not really sure what else to say

hester Fri 14-Oct-05 23:36:09

So sorry, bonkerz. I'll be thinking of you.

RTKMonherBROOMSTICK Fri 14-Oct-05 23:50:45

Oh Bonkerz I don't know what to say apart from wanting to send you love and hugs {{{{{{{{}}}}}}}

bonkerz Sat 15-Oct-05 00:20:36

still no call. am going to try and get some sleep cos im the only driver who hasnt had a drink! thanks everyone for the thoughts.

HRHQoQ Sat 15-Oct-05 00:21:25

hope you manage to get some sleep - shall be thinking of you.

hunkerpumpkin Sat 15-Oct-05 00:22:32

Night, Bonkerz. Don't feel that there's a right or wrong way to behave or that you have to act in a certain way for other people xxxxxxxxxxxxx

dramaqueen72 Sat 15-Oct-05 00:32:44

Am SO so sorry to read this bonkerz
hope you get some sleep. I'm off to bed too but wanted to say something to you first. how awful on your holiday too, sounds like not quite the break you hoped for.
sending you much love
take care xxxxxxx

skinnycow Sat 15-Oct-05 00:34:51

bonkerz - there is no right or wrong way to feel but i do know how you feel. my mum died just over 8 years ago on ds's 1st birthday and the day before she had an angiogram and the nursing staff told us everything was fine but when we went to the hosp in the evening they broke the news that she had a massive aneurism (sp?) and definitely would not survive. She died the following day. None of us got the hospital on time but wished we had even though she was in a deep coma. Im an orphan too and it does take some getting used to. CAT me if you would like to discuss. Hope you all get through the night peacefully. x

My thoughts are with you Bonkerz

Slave2Babe Sat 15-Oct-05 01:14:03

so sorry bonkerz

Kazziegirl Sat 15-Oct-05 08:08:44

Thinking of you bonkerz

auntymandy Sat 15-Oct-05 08:12:31

No one can tell you how to deal with it. You just will. Its not easy. but remember it is ok to get on with life. It is ok to laugh. It is ok to do what ever you feel like doing. There is no wrong and no right. Take comfort in whatever comforts you. Laugh at the memories and cry at them too. Try and look out for each other, there will be times you want to scream at your family.
Take time for you to dont have to be the strong one. Be truthful with your children.
My love to you

Nemo666 Sat 15-Oct-05 10:32:02

bonkerz hunny nobody can tell you how to feel as death affects us all differently. I have cried tons for people I barely knew who died but then people close to me I havent shed a tear and done the 'have to be strong routine'. The thing is hun you dont have to be strong you have to try and work out what you need. It may not hit you straight away it may take months or years to hit you..doesnt sound very positive but what im trying to say is dont be trying to feel a certain way just wait and see how you naturally feel. I am probably confuddling You know where I am if you need/want anything..or phone me hun just to rant.

bonkerz Sat 15-Oct-05 13:05:04

we got the call at 10am this morning that mum was leaving us. We got to the hospital just in time to say goodbye. she was still warm and looked so peaceful. we all held her and i feel better that she has gone. i know she is in a better place. Are heading back to hospital later because she started purging and they need to clean her and stuff. Will be heading back to Leicester tonight and be back here by tuesday night to help sort arrangements, something i dont have a clue about.
Strangely im doing ok, have been sick and had a bit of a cry but i think seeing everyone else lose it is helping me to be strong and im sure once im alone with DH later i will grieve. Ds and DSD have been told and are ok about it and understand that mummy will be upset etc. Have arranged to spend monday with MIL so that DS has someone else incase im a wreck.
My heart feels heavy, my head is light, on the outside i appear to be ok but im still trying to find out how to grieve. Im starting to take on practical roles and making littel decisions to help me out.
now im rambling so will stop. thanks all for the thoughts. May need you all abit more. Thank you so much Mumsnet

misdee Sat 15-Oct-05 13:06:52

bonkerz, i dont know what to say, but want you to know that a virtual ear to listen is always here , and a shoulder to cry on too.


HRHWickedwaterwitch Sat 15-Oct-05 13:14:52

I'm so sorry Bonkerz.

puff Sat 15-Oct-05 13:15:46

Very sorry to read this bonkerz, thinking of you.

puff xx

Aero Sat 15-Oct-05 13:19:33

Thoughts and {{o}}s.

tabitha Sat 15-Oct-05 13:21:01

So sorry to hear this bonkerz Thinking of you and your family.

LadySherlockofLGJ Sat 15-Oct-05 13:21:54

God Speed.

Beautiful post.

Gobbledispook Sat 15-Oct-05 13:22:49

So sorry to hear this Bonkerz. I have no idea how you deal with something like this. Take good care of yourself. xx

wilbur Sat 15-Oct-05 13:43:11

Bonkerz, I am so so sorry to read this thread. I'm glad you had a chance to get to the hospital for a final goodbye and I hope making the arrangements is not too tough on you. Do I understand from your post about being too young to be an orphan that your father is no longer alive either? I am in a similar position - if you ever want to CAT me to offload please do. Thinking of you.

FrightfullyPoshFloss Sat 15-Oct-05 13:52:16

So sorry Bonkerz. Can't imagine how you are feeling at all. I hope you all manage ok. I'm so glad you got

hunkerpumpkin Sat 15-Oct-05 14:08:47

I'm so sorry, Bonkerz

Be kind to yourself and don't worry about how you should be feeling - there's no right or wrong way xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Marina Sat 15-Oct-05 14:12:20

Very sorry Bonkerz - thinking of you anf your family today

george32 Sat 15-Oct-05 14:37:22

I'm so sorry Bonkerz. I'm glad you managed to say goodbye to your mum and that she went peacefully.
Your grief will come out in it's own time, everyone is different, there is no set time scale or way of grieving. Just be very gentle on yourself. Please take it easy and look after both yourself & Alex.

CountessCadburyOfBournville Sat 15-Oct-05 14:42:50

So sorry to hear this Bonkerz. My thoughts are with you and your family.

RTKMonherBROOMSTICK Sat 15-Oct-05 14:48:21


WigWamBam Sat 15-Oct-05 15:20:35

Oh bonkerz, so sorry. Although you knew it was coming and that it would be a relief it must still be really hard for you. Don't try and be strong for everyone else; grieve when you need to and take time off from the practical stuff when you feel you have to.

Be kind to yourself and take it in your own time.

Mum2OneAndBump Sat 15-Oct-05 15:27:47

Bonkerz i am so sorry to hear about your mum, you will grieve but in your own time and when you feel ready.

tortoiseshell Sat 15-Oct-05 15:32:37

Sorry Bonkerz. I'm glad you got chance to say goodbye.

blueteddy Sat 15-Oct-05 15:37:37

Message withdrawn

hoxtonchick Sat 15-Oct-05 16:15:02

sorry bonkerz

trefusis Sat 15-Oct-05 16:20:44

Bonkerz, my thoughts are with you. You're going to be feeling all sorts of things over the next days, weeks and months. Remember to take care of yourself in the middle of everything.

Cadmum Sat 15-Oct-05 18:17:16

I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you. Please take care of yourself.

marthamoo Sat 15-Oct-05 19:22:14

Oh love, I'm so sorry.

soapbox Sat 15-Oct-05 19:23:44

Bonkerz - so sad for you and your family

Wishing you strength to get through the coming weeks and months

auntymandy Sat 15-Oct-05 21:15:21

thinking of you

ei23monster Sat 15-Oct-05 22:37:58

im so sorry that this has happened to you bonkerz i havent got much to offer advice wise as i have not been through this myself and the clinical advice i feel would prob just confuse you hun iykwim. dont worry about how you are dealing with this just let it happen naturally and youl find that you just have your own unique way of handling it xx iv shed a few tears for you and would welcome it if you ever wanted an extra ear to listen to you just CAT me and il do what i can to help xx my thoughts are with you hunny xx

LilacBump Sat 15-Oct-05 22:42:58

i'm sorry to hear of your loss {{hug}}

Debbsywillgetherbeanie Sat 15-Oct-05 22:46:42

Bonkerz im so so sorry be kind to yourself ((((hugs))))

bonkerz Sat 15-Oct-05 23:18:53

Thank you again everyone.

Am home now till Tuesday when i will be going back to help sort all arrangements. Managed to sit down before i came home and sorted out a few things for the funeral, just little things but it helped a bit.
Unfortunatley i come from a very disfunctional family. Im one of 6 children and we havent been together for over 20 years and friction is already starting. Am dreading what will happen at funeral now because unfortunately i have brothers and sisters who cant just shut up for one day and for mums sake. What makes it worse is ive been put in the position of go between and am having to appear to be strong when everyone else is losing it.
Im scared to lose control and let go. If i start crying i am not sure i will stop.

marthamoo Sat 15-Oct-05 23:21:52

Hi bonkerz, don't really know what to say but saw your post. I think you just have to try and stay dignified - whatever the rest of your family are doing - funerals are like weddings, they bring out the best and the worst in people. And I don't know whether to tell you to cry if you need to - or hold it in. It will have to come out sometime. It must be so hard.

QueenVictoria Sat 15-Oct-05 23:24:02

So sorry Bonkerz

Tinker Sat 15-Oct-05 23:28:12

So sorry to read this bonkerz.

ninah Mon 17-Oct-05 13:33:14

bonkerz very very sorry. You must feel completely surreal at the moment. Yes, funerals do tend to bring out all these horrible family tensions but you tend to rise above them in a way because you are still in a state of shock. Cope in any way you can. People react in a hundred different ways, I felt quite angry with my sister cos she kept talking about mum's death all the time whereas I couldn't bear to acknowledge it, let alone hear that one of her shoes had come off etc etc whereas she thought my way was v strange. Just remember that the day itself is a tribute to your mum and a goodbye and that she will know what's in your heart. And you're right, no one is ever old enough to be an orphan. It's particularly hard on you, when there are children to consider, and you are carrying a new life. Thinking of you all.

Bonkerz Sun 14-Oct-12 22:46:48

Sorry for resurrecting an old thread. Tomorrow will be 7 years since my mum left us. I wish I could say its easier but it isn't. Every year I hate the build up to the 15/10. Every year I feel so low and depressed. I get snappy and I know why but it seems so unreasonable. I wish I could just speak to my mum to tell her about her grand daughter and grand son who she didn't get to meet. I want to fill her in on the gossip and most of all I want her to know I love her. sad

Oh Bonkerz, so sorry darling......I lost my mum 2 long years ago and although it's not as raw I still miss her as much, probably more!!

The other day for the first time ever when I woke up I forgot she was dead.......was a very wierd feeling, just for a second I thought Oh I wonder how mum is today!

Thinking of you today xx

ssd Wed 17-Oct-12 08:54:13

bonkerz, I'm so sorry

but I'm sure your mum knows how much you love her, I think the love we have for our mums lasts beyond death

hugs to you xx

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