Remembering with love all our departed brothers and sisters – “The angel inside us”.

(227 Posts)
dejavuaswell Wed 19-Jan-11 09:04:36

My sister Jane died on 24th October 1992. We never knew exactly how she came to crash her car. There was no proof that there was any other vehicle involved but it was very hard to explain what happened unless she swerved to avoid something.

Jane was the youngest of 5 (4 girls and a boy). She died in a road accident 15 months after she graduated. She was closest, chronologically, emotionally and tempermentally to my brother. My older sister, the secular one, has always kept a picture of Jane on her bedside table and my younger sister, the religious one, puts everything down to God?s Will and seems to think of Jane as the lucky one for being in Heaven before the rest of us.

After many years of hardly mourning her death Christmas 2010 was really difficult for me. I had such strong images of her lying cold and alone in the cemetery wondering where the rest of the family and her boyfriend were that it has made me really tearful and spoilt Christmas 100%.

When I think about all that happened in my life since Jane died it seems so unfair that she died before marriage and parenthood and before she could make proper use of her hard-won degree.

This thread follows on from this very moving one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/641812-For-Jonny- and-all-our-darling-departed-sisters-and-brothers

Pudgy2011 Wed 01-Aug-12 20:03:46

My brother was Spencer. My hero. Died 14 June 2012, birthday 1 July x

Binary Sun 12-Aug-12 09:03:57

Dejavuaswell: sister Jane, birthday 26th October, died 24th October 1992

Hunkerbunker2: sister Diane, birthday 27th November, died 13th February 2001

Cyteen: brother Simon, birthday 9th July, died April 26th 2007

Caffeineaddict: sister Jenny, birthday 15th Jan. Died 14th October 2007

Evansmummy: brother Jonny, birthday 6th March, died 30th May 2008

MissM: brother Jim, birthday March 9th, died October 17th 2008

Binary (was Oneofapair): twin sister Caroline, birthday September 29th, died August 27th 2009

Shelleylou: brother Matt, birthday 28th June, died October 19th 2009.

Foofooyeah: sister Charlotte, died January 29th 2012.

Pudgy2011: brother Spencer, birthday 1st July, died June 14th 2012.

My Caroline was a great fan of televised sport and she would have enjoyed the last two weeks. It will soon be three years since she died. May she rest in peace.

With love to the regulars XX

lookout Mon 10-Sep-12 14:40:09

I'm sorry, I had no idea this thread was still trotting along. It is good to see it is still helping people, four years after it's original conception smile

Hello to the newcomers, and as ever, so so sorry you have to be here sad. Losing a sibling is dreadful, and this thread has been a help to many over the years. I'm sorry it's slowed down so much, but I will try and keep popping in now the baby is a bit bigger and I have more free time on my hands!

Hello to the regulars too, and as ever, even if I'm not posting, I think of you often. You're the only people who have heard the darkest of me and I thank you for it.

I can't believe that I am still actively grieving. I would have thought that after more than 4 years, I would be coming to some sort of 'acceeptance', but it just isn't there. I still cannot believe that I will never see my brother again.

Walking through the village where I live today, watching the cars drive through at 30mph, thinking actually if you had that bearing down on you, even at 'only' 30, it is still fast and f*ing scary. There would be a moment of 'what the f*ck' before it hit you. Did he try and move? Did he jump? Did he have no chance? Did he feel it all? Did he have any control over his body? I will never know and I am still finding it hard to live without the answers.

Binary Fri 28-Sep-12 15:59:50

It’s my birthday tomorrow. It would have Caroline's too had cancer not stolen her away from me at age 32. It is over three years since she died but on these special days I remember her. Sometimes I forget she has gone and then I talk about her in the present tense. I will always be a twin and she will always be my other half, no less real than she was before.

lookout Fri 28-Sep-12 20:35:22

Binary thinking of you and Caroline. Such a young age. She should still be here and that's felt in your talking about her as if she still was. A friend told me after Jonny died that he truly believed that they are kept alive in our hearts through our memories. It might sound cliched, but for me it's a way of keeping him here. No less real xx

foofooyeah Fri 12-Oct-12 00:33:26

Hi there, just came on here as feeling lonely and missing my sister. Binary, your sister was so young. Must have been extra hard as she was your twin. My sister would have so loved the olympics.

My sister was 51 but never looked (or acted!) it. Its just too young. I am bereft without her. It ones of her sons birthdays tomorrow - its going to be tough.

lookout Fri 12-Oct-12 19:01:20

Hi foofoo. I feel lonely too. There comes a moment when there aren't many people who will/can listen to you anymore. I've lost and been disappointed by people I called friends. I'm four years on from my brother's death and I miss him more and more every day. Will you be with your nephew tomorrow? All those milestones are awful enough for us as adults, but for kids or even teens, I can't imagine how sad it must be. I'll be thinking of you and him tomorrow.

foofooyeah Mon 15-Oct-12 06:06:29

Yes, saw my hephew and one of his sisters and one of my sisters. It was fun and we laughed and talked about my late sister, but she was just such a whirlwind of a person that theres always a 'gap' at family get togethers.

Sobbed my way through Downton last night as it bought back some sad memories.

lookout Sun 21-Oct-12 21:43:08

There always will be a gap. Maybe one day it won't be such a painful one, but she was so loved and valuedit's only natural you'd miss her presence. I hope you continue to talk about her, it helps keep them alive smile

foofooyeah Tue 23-Oct-12 13:34:50

Lookout: I was just re-reading one of your posts. Those awful thoughts about what happened when you borther died must be very hard. I think I would just have to convince myself that he knew nothihg about it - its the only way I could cope.

My partner lost his sister about twelve years ago before I knew him. I am shocked about how little she is talked about - but then again his family is weird - obviously I never knew her but when he is with his Mum they dont often talk about her. It saddens me that that might happen with my sister.

lookout Tue 23-Oct-12 18:14:46

foofoo I do try and do the same thing - convince myself that he had no idea. I hate the fact that he might have been scared (he'd been attacked the previous year and it had made him pretty jumpy, and the first people to arrive on the scene saw some people getting into a car right next to my brother and driving off at speed) and that's what made him run into the road. I just hate all the unanswered questions.

I had some counselling earlier this year from a lady whose eldest son was killed in a train crash over 20 years ago. When asked how many children she has, she sometimes pretends he was never born because it makes it easier for the person she's talking to sad. While I can't every see myself going to that extreme, we don't talk about my brother as much as we did at the start. For my part, I find it harder to talk about him as time goes on, it hurts too much.

It might not happen to you though. I think all families deal with grief differently, and while we were very supportive of each other in a collective sort of way to begin with, we are now fairly isolated in how we deal with his death. It's sad, but that's how it's evolved. Only four years though, so who know how it will develop in the future. As long as it feels natural I guess you carry on talking, but forcing it doesn't feel good either.

BlaiddDrwg Thu 25-Oct-12 09:21:15

My brother would have been 40 today. He died from a heart attack on the 2nd June. There were no warning signs (that he told us about) so it was totally unexpected, he died at the side of the road.

It was exactly 13 months after my dad died from cancer.

lookout Fri 26-Oct-12 19:39:33

BlaiddDrwg So sorry about your brother sad. an unexpected and sudden death is always difficult to come to terms with. And what a lot of death you have had to deal with in such a short time.

Thanks for finding us, and as we always say, I'm sorry you need to. Although the thread is much much slower than it used to be, some of us are still around and happy to 'listen' if you'd like to 'talk'. Were you very close to your brother? Do you have other siblings?

Don't feel obliged, but by the same token, feel free if you need/want to smile. It can help to go through it with others who've experienced the death of a sibling. And we sadly all have.

Binary Fri 02-Nov-12 15:39:18

If I'm ever asked if I have any brothers and sisters I always say that I had a twin sister who died a few years ago. I could never pretend that Caroline had never existed: even to spare somebody elses feelings!

Lookout is right, this thread is less busy than it used to be but I for one think about the former regular posters quite often and wonder how they are all getting on.

sliceofcakenowplease Sat 03-Nov-12 15:19:50

I lost my twin, Josh, when we were both 17, so in 1994. He died during a housefire, where his best friend also died, both from smoke inhalation. I should have been there too, but I had decided to go out and party with my friends. Now I have twins, boy and a girl, like us to, and I named DS after him, it felt like I had to. I have a sister and a brother apart from him, both older, and they pretend he doesn't exist, or at least they avoid thinking about him. I know it's such a long time ago, but he still matters.

lookout Mon 05-Nov-12 19:24:58

sliceofcake i guess everyone deals with their grief differently, but it must be hard for you to not have Josh mentioned. Do they talk if he is mentioned, or change the subject? After so much time maybe grief does become a more private thing, like the lady I mentioned above. In her defense she did say that every time she pretends she only has two children, she says a quiet sorry in her heart to her son. Not sure I could do the same as her, but I understand where she's coming from. The amount of bizarre and ridiculous things people have said, on top of those who don't know what to say, makes it understandable. You and I are the same age, btw smile

sliceofcakenowplease Mon 05-Nov-12 20:42:26

They change the subject by going 'oh yes, Josh... Yesterday I was doing...' Sometimes they go 'Josh- our brother' and change quickly. Not even a 'was', so no one has a clue he's dead. I completely understand with people outside the family, but when it's just maybe me and my sister or brother talking, then it feels like they're trying to forget. I know everyone grieves differently, it's just their way is very hard to understand.

lookout Thu 08-Nov-12 12:44:07

I am totally with you. My other brother and I don't talk about Jon that much, but I can't imagine we'd skirt around it if we did. I don't think we don't talk about him because we're trying to forget, more because we don't want to get sad, at least that's what it is for me. But of course he still matters, even though we might not talk about him. I think about him, how much I miss him and love him every day. Do your parents talk about Josh?

sliceofcakenowplease Thu 08-Nov-12 17:52:56

I'm not really in contact with DF as he had an affair with another woman and left DM, she nearly committed suicide. I don't think he mentions his family- not even Josh.

DM speaks of him occasionally, but is similar to DB and DSis, not really mentioning him much. I'll try and keep what yoy said about how not mentioning Jon means you don't get as sad- and try to be more understanding about how they grieve. They don't actively shut me up if I talk about him, so they must have been pretty understanding about my way. Thanks.

lookout Sat 08-Dec-12 16:54:30

Wow sliceofcake that's a lot of stuff you've had to deal with sad. I guess with time it fades for some people, but for you as a twin, it must still feel as if a part of you is missing, right?

I'm sending lots of love for all of you, I know Christmas can be difficult, certainly is here. Thinking of you all xx

Binary Sun 09-Dec-12 17:16:39

Caroline was my twin. When she died part of me died as well and nothing - not even getting married or becoming a Dad - will ever put things back to the way they were before. sad

Binary Fri 21-Dec-12 14:10:35

I'm sorry, that last post didn't come out as I meant it to.

What I meant was that I don't think you completely get over the loss of a twin. Even the exciting and wonderful things that might happen later in your life never totally erase the sense of "part of me is missing".

foofooyeah Mon 07-Jan-13 11:42:18

I think losing a twin must be even tougher as you were always the same age and so probably doing the same things at the same time more - if that makes sense

A new year and the first one I will have without my sister.

We finally picked her ashes up from the undertaker last week. It was desperately sad. My Mum just hugged them and cried and cried. How can you have a daughter, go through all the highs and lows of 50 years with her, and at the end have a box full of ashes? - it really is devastating. I miss her like mad but it must be harder for my Mum. (My Dad died 5 years ago).

Pudgy2011 Tue 15-Jan-13 17:16:06

Foofoo I said the same thing as the clock struck midnight on 31 December. A new year and the first year without my brother (he lost his battle with cancer in June 2012, he was 28.) - my sister and I found new year harder than Christmas, probably ecause it's supposed to be a new start but it feels so empty. He died 7 months ago yesterday.

My parents are flying out from London to see me and are arriving in a couple of hours (I live in Caribbean) - they are bringing some of my brother's ashes with them. He specified that he wanted some of his ashes scattered in Shetland where he proposed to his wife, and some in Cayman where DH and I got married. So we will scatter him at the beach as he wanted.

My DSIL has also put together a package of some of his things for me. A few t-shirts, some guitar plectrums, some CDs. Things that belonged to him. I know tonight will be so hard. We all function so well and positively on a day to day basis, laughing over skype and stuff, but deep down we never stop thinking of him. I don't pretend to even comprehend how my parents feel. To lose a beloved sibling is one thing, to lose a child, no matter what age, must be like losing your soul.

There is some comfort in knowing that there are other people out there going through the same thing. We all understand the pain of sibling loss.

foofooyeah Sun 03-Feb-13 17:40:00

Hi Pudgy, just popped onto the thread and saw your update. Where do you live in the caribbean? DP has a lot of family in the caribbean -his Dad was form there. I understand every word you types.

Met up with family last weekend for the first anniversary of Charlottes death - we laughed and had a god time, but we all miss her so. She would have loved thw day.

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