Remembering with love all our departed brothers and sisters – “The angel inside us”.

(237 Posts)
dejavuaswell Wed 19-Jan-11 09:04:36

My sister Jane died on 24th October 1992. We never knew exactly how she came to crash her car. There was no proof that there was any other vehicle involved but it was very hard to explain what happened unless she swerved to avoid something.

Jane was the youngest of 5 (4 girls and a boy). She died in a road accident 15 months after she graduated. She was closest, chronologically, emotionally and tempermentally to my brother. My older sister, the secular one, has always kept a picture of Jane on her bedside table and my younger sister, the religious one, puts everything down to God?s Will and seems to think of Jane as the lucky one for being in Heaven before the rest of us.

After many years of hardly mourning her death Christmas 2010 was really difficult for me. I had such strong images of her lying cold and alone in the cemetery wondering where the rest of the family and her boyfriend were that it has made me really tearful and spoilt Christmas 100%.

When I think about all that happened in my life since Jane died it seems so unfair that she died before marriage and parenthood and before she could make proper use of her hard-won degree.

This thread follows on from this very moving one: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/641812-For-Jonny- and-all-our-darling-departed-sisters-and-brothers

dejavuaswell Wed 19-Jan-11 09:05:55

Dejavuaswell: sister Jane, birthday 26th October, died 24th October 1992

Cyteen: brother Simon, birthday 9th July, died April 26th 2007

Caffeineaddict: sister Jenny, birthday 15th Jan. Died 14th October 2007

Evansmummy: brother Jonny, birthday 6th March, died 30th May 2008

MissM: brother Jim, birthday March 9th, died October 17th 2008

Binary (was Oneofapair): twin sister Caroline, birthday September 29th, died August 27th 2009

Shelleylou: brother Matt, birthday 28th June, died October 19th 2009.

evansmummy Thu 20-Jan-11 15:44:32

Well done deja! And thanks for posting our dates.

shelley, hopefully you find this. Sorry to hear about your separation. Is it fixable? Do you want it to be?

Still thinking of everyone else xx

shelleylou Sat 22-Jan-11 12:25:29

Hi i found it. Went to check on the old one to see if a new one had been started.

Separation isn't fixable so onwards and upwards. As I've learnt life goes on whether u want it too or not so will deal with whatever it throws my way hopefully with the same dignity and grace i have dealt with all the other challenges.

Is it me or is this month flying by?

evansmummy Sat 22-Jan-11 21:10:18

No, it's just you grin

dejavuaswell Wed 26-Jan-11 09:47:28

I had a dream about Jane last night. The first time in ages (10 years?) that I have done this.

It seemed to take place in the former family home. We were all together having Sunday lunch. That was it, nothing else.

The human brain is a very strange organ!

shelleylou Wed 26-Jan-11 10:16:23

I think its because there are soooooooooo many things going on in my life atm. I thougt it would just be me.

evansmummy Sat 29-Jan-11 22:47:28

dejavu, it is strange indeed. Quite often dreams or thoughts come out of nowhere and surprise you. I never dream of Jonny. Once in nearly 3 years. I'd like to dream more, but I guess I think about him a lot so there's no need for it to come out in a dream.

shelley, I guess being busy is a good thing? Keeps your mind occupied anyway.

I had a proper cry on Thursday. You know the ones where you can't help but groan a bit, and you get all puffy and snotty? smile Was not pleasant, in fact it was downright painful, but it's been a while so I guess it needed to come out.

shelleylou Mon 31-Jan-11 11:14:30

Yes it is.. klots of things going on in my family and got a NM so not really having a lot of time to myself to let things get to me too much.

dejavuaswell Wed 09-Feb-11 10:11:04

I have put a picture of each of my siblings on display in the lounge hoping it will make me feel calmer about Jane's death. I will let you know if it works!

Hunkerbunker2 Sun 13-Feb-11 19:07:39

My young sister Diane died on 13th February 2001 while working in South Africa. She died from Sudden Adult Death Syndrome (SADS). She was buried there and sadly I have not yet had the opportunity to visit her grave.

evansmummy Mon 14-Feb-11 20:46:13

Hi Hunkerbunker. Thanks for your post and, as always, sorry you have to be on this thread. How sad to have not been to see your sister's grave. Do you think you'll be able to one day soon? I hope you find a way to get there, and that you are doing ok. We are a group made of many lurkers, but someone will always post eventually! Do post again if you want to. How old was your sister when she died? How do you feel about it ten years on?

Hunkerbunker2 Tue 15-Feb-11 07:46:08

I will travel to South Africa when I retire in December 2011 and I will be able to see Diane's grave then. She was only 45 when she died and as the post-mortem didn't reveal why she died the doctors just called it Sudden Adult Death Syndrome. 45 seems so young to die and it was a real shock when her husband phoned the UK with the news.

evansmummy Tue 15-Feb-11 20:25:41

Funny how you remember the shock. I could almost relive the feeling of it from how it's etched in my memory. Were you very close as siblings, even though she lived a long way away? How hard to not have any explanation for her death. It must seem so unfair. I hope the visit in December won't be too hard, though it may well be. Keep in touch.

dejavuaswell Fri 18-Feb-11 15:46:38

I thought I would just pop in to say my good-byes.

Real life has taken over even more of my time than previously and the endless troll hunts here on Mumsnet have made me really cynical about much that I read on the site.

I will pop back to read this one thread from time to time but that will be the extent of my involvement. Certainly for a few months while I recharge the proverbial batteries.

Best wishes and hugs to the regulars on here. smile

caffeineaddict Sat 19-Feb-11 16:28:59

Goodbye Dejavu, hugs to you as well. But hope you and everyone else who posts here reads this.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/feb/19 /letter-to-sister-killed-plane-crash

evansmummy Sat 19-Feb-11 17:39:31

Bye deja. All the best, xx

evansmummy Sat 19-Feb-11 17:39:46

Just you and me then caffeine...

evansmummy Sat 19-Feb-11 17:44:09

caffeine, she writes exactly what I feel.

caffeineaddict Mon 21-Feb-11 19:14:19

Hi evansmum, just wanted to let you know am still here x

Hunkerbunker2 Tue 22-Feb-11 13:38:24

Dejavuaswell: sister Jane, birthday 26th October, died 24th October 1992

Hunkerbunker2: sister Diane, birthday 27th November, died 13th February 2001

Cyteen: brother Simon, birthday 9th July, died April 26th 2007

Caffeineaddict: sister Jenny, birthday 15th Jan. Died 14th October 2007

Evansmummy: brother Jonny, birthday 6th March, died 30th May 2008

MissM: brother Jim, birthday March 9th, died October 17th 2008

Binary (was Oneofapair): twin sister Caroline, birthday September 29th, died August 27th 2009

Shelleylou: brother Matt, birthday 28th June, died October 19th 2009.

Hunkerbunker2 Tue 22-Feb-11 13:42:43

Rest in Peace Diane and I hope to "see" you later this year down in sunny Durban (Natal).

evansmummy Tue 22-Feb-11 18:14:19

And that makes three of us grin

Thanks for adding your dates, Hunker. I try to remember but sometimes am a day or two out. You are all never far from my thoughts anyway.

shelleylou Fri 25-Feb-11 13:26:59

I'm still here. been struggling with the death of a friend its brought back many memories from just after my brother died. He was in the same viewing room in the hospital as db. Even though i haven't been to see him i can picture clearly how he would look.. Got to pay florist today for his funeral flowers

caffeineaddict Fri 25-Feb-11 20:04:01

so sorry shelleylou. Hug to you.
Anyone hear Lawrence Dallagio talking about the loss of his sister on Desert Island Discs? x

shelleylou Sat 26-Feb-11 08:38:43

thanks caffeine. I'm really dreading the funeral sad

caffeineaddict Sat 26-Feb-11 14:10:23

Grim. When is it, Shelleylou?

shelleylou Sat 26-Feb-11 17:01:11

Its on monday which is why i really had to go and pay for the wreath yesterday all sorted now though. Will be going with my dp, db and sil so well help each other

purepurple Sat 26-Feb-11 17:11:25

I have read this thread a couple of times and have now decided to post.

Hello everyone, so sad to have to post here but sharing does help.
My brother Graham died on 30th October 1988 (birthday 26th January) in a car accident. He was 17. That morning I had just done a positive pregnancy test for our first child. He has my brother's name as his middle name. I can't believe that he has been dead longer than he was alive. Life is so cruel sometimes.

shelleylou Sat 26-Feb-11 17:15:14

Welcome purepurple. I am sorry to hear about your brother. I know how awful a road crash can be. My 22 year old brother was killed in 1 in 2009. I think thats such a lovely gesture. I've said since my db's death if i have another boy he is having db's name in his somewhere. I think its very sweet way to keep their memory alive

evansmummy Sat 26-Feb-11 17:20:22

Hi all.

Shelley, so sorry to hear about your friend. I guess every death is gonna trigger memories, it's kind of inevitable. Another step on the journey.

Purepurple, thanks for posting, and as we always say, sorry you need to. I'm another who's brother died in a RTA, in May 2008. How great that your son has his name, as shelley said, it's a beautiful tribute to your brother. Do you have any other siblings? I hope you don't mind me asking, but what's it feel like after so many years? I often wonder how I'll feel in 5, 10, 20 years... Tell me to mind my own if you think I'm prying though wink

purepurple Sat 26-Feb-11 17:37:13

Thank you both. I am the eldest and have a brother and a sister, who is the youngest. I feel that life has changed forever. We were very close as children, there is only 7 years between me and my sister. I still feel as if I am incomplete, we were 4, now we are only 3. I have learnt to live with it and it does get easier but it is always there, just under the surface. Lots of things remind me, not least of all DS who is the spitting image of my brother.
I have also had to deal with my mum dying in 1999, which strangely, although hard because of what I had been through already, did not hurt in the same way. I don't know if that makes any sense.

Hunkerbunker2 Sun 27-Feb-11 07:46:02

Feeling incomplete is just how I feel. Diane died 10 years ago and now I don't have any surviving siblings or parents. And I am only middle-aged (64)! sad

evansmummy Sun 27-Feb-11 21:18:30

I guess I'm afraid of feeling like that too. There's always something missing, nothing ever feels quite right. It helps to know that's normal, though, and that others have the same feeling. I remember right after my brother died, people said it would get easier, and I really felt like I didn't want to stop missing him. I still don't want to. And I don't particularly want it to be any easier. Why should it be?

Thanks both of you for posting.

caffeineaddict Sun 27-Feb-11 23:02:42

Just a quick message to shellylou hoping that you get through tomorrow's funeral as well as you can . And welcome new posters x

shelleylou Mon 28-Feb-11 07:42:08

Thank you caffiene. Barely slept last night between that and ds not being well, Got sooo much to do today befor i can even think of leaving for the funeral

evansmummy Mon 28-Feb-11 10:58:49

shelley, thinking of you today. Hope it goes as well as it can.

shelleylou Sat 05-Mar-11 12:43:48

Thank you evansmummy. I was just getting sorted to leave mine as ds was collected earlier than planned due to me needing to leave earlier than originally thought. It was a lovely service the song chosen to go into was played when i last saw him and ive listened to it a lot

evansmummy Sun 06-Mar-11 09:07:14

Today Jonny would be 27. It annoys me that people are writing 'Happy Birthday' on his facebook wall, as if he were celebrating today or something. What's to celebrate? He's not here...

purepurple Sun 06-Mar-11 09:18:01

Evansmummy, that does seem a bit weird. I suppose people just want to mark his birthday in some way, maybe.

evansmummy Sun 06-Mar-11 09:25:51

I know, I want to mark it too. My parents are over at the moment and we are going out for Chinese later - a family tradition for birthdays since the dawn of time! You can mark it without saying something crass, though. It's not a happy birthday. Sorry, I'm just being grumpy.

caffeineaddict Sun 06-Mar-11 18:16:04

Evansmummy you are allowed to be grumpy. I would snarl at anyone writing 'Happy Birthday' too. I hope you have as good an evening as you can. (BTW, A friend of mine suggested that my sister's death was a useful experience for my thee children because it taught them about life/death. I, robustly and spectacularly grumpily, reminded the friend that my sister was not a hamster ) x

evansmummy Sun 06-Mar-11 20:48:09

Thanks caffeine. I have taken full advantage of my right to be grumpy today grin. And tomorrow's a new day.

evansmummy Wed 09-Mar-11 07:26:00

Don't know if you're still lurking, MissM, but if so, thinking of you today. xx

caffeineaddict Wed 09-Mar-11 10:53:50

Yes Miss M, hope you lurk at least to know that we're with you x

henrysmate Fri 18-Mar-11 01:45:37

Hello everyone, it's been said before but quite rightly, so sad to post here, but so glad to find you.

My wonderful sister Fran died on September 11th 2010. She had cancer for the last 4 years and left 3 completely amazing boys. She was loving and kind, glamourous and, it has to be said, away with the bloody fairies most of the time. I loved her so much. She was 5 years older than me, so brave and, for such a total airhead, incredibly wise, she really read people so well. Even though I knew she was ill, I never really imagined life without her.

I hope you're OK shellylou and that the music is still comforting you.
Evansmummy, if anyone says happy bloody birthday to Fran this year on FB I'll tear them a new one, how insensitive.

shelleylou Fri 18-Mar-11 19:33:01

hi henrysmate. Fran sounds such a wonderful person it is easy to see she would have had a huge impact on people.

Such a strange coincidence i was listening to the song db and i were singin the day our db was killed. It just popped into our heads. Just as i read your post.. It does bring me comfort as the lyrics in the chorus are still very much true and quite like my db.

I have visions of my db elcoming my friend and them fishing, playing about on motorbikes, (dbs passion) and partying..

evansmummy Fri 18-Mar-11 20:13:46

shelley, those sound like some very positive thoughts - I'm really happy that youve got those. You've come a long way.

henrysmate, most people just don't think, or don't know what to say, so invariably end up saying the wrong thing. That or else nothing at all. So I guess a happy birthday is better than nothing. However, what with fb birthday reminders n all, it doesn't really mean a lot, does it?! So sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us. How old was your sister? Do you have any other siblings? How are your nephews living with it? And you? Sorry, lots of questions, but I am a nosey parker grin.

shelleylou Fri 18-Mar-11 22:41:34

i dont feel like it at times. I had someone staring closely at my tattoo in dbs memory today as i was havin my blood pressure taken she asked what ti was about. So i explained it was for my brother n his year of birth and death. Then had the dreaded question.. what happened so i explained... then caught sight of my other tattoo on that arm (starting to sound like a tattooed lady) and i explained db was the inspiration for that n its for me and my 2 db's

henrysmate Mon 21-Mar-11 17:39:00

Hi again evansmummy - you're much nicer than I am I think, but I suspect you're right, they mean no harm do they?

And to answer your questions, Fran was 48, we have another brother, he's a bit younger than me and is off travelling somewhere; I'm pretty sure he's in Israel at the moment but he'll be back in April for a month and we'll hear all about it then. The boys live with me now, we're, um, coping I believe the word is. Everything is completely new to all of us (we don't have any other kids) so it's just one day at a time really. From what I've been reading about grief though, it would seem I'm at the Angry Phase, I'm bloody furious at everything - I'm hoping this will pass soon, it's not nice. It's so stupid and so obvious, but I just miss her so bloody much.

I'm glad you're finding comfort somewhere shelley - it gives me some hope so thanks for that xx

Hunkerbunker2 Wed 23-Mar-11 08:47:07

My employer needed to shed staff ... I expect you can guess the rest! They made me quite a good offer (I'm 64) so yesterday was my last work day although I get paid to the end of the month with untaken holiday.

The good news is that I am going to South Africa in 2 weeks time and I will be able to see my sisters grave for the first time. I will be away for a 16 days in total staying for part of the time with Diane's former husband in Durban.

evansmummy Wed 23-Mar-11 11:06:39

Henrysmate, I don't think I'm nicer, just a bit further along the path and a bit more philosophical about these things. I can promise you I was seething with anger before though. Our first thread is full of it! My brother died as a result of a hit and run, and when the guy handed himself in, I had a lot of anger to direct at him. I still hate him, tbh, and always will, and don't seem to be able to forgive him.

You are incredibly brave for taking on your nephews. How old are they? Where's their dad? I hope you are all getting along ok. How are they? Have you had any help from children's bereavement charities? If you think you need to, might be worth looking into Winston's Wish, for example. I hear they're pretty good.

Funny you say 'it's so stupid and so obvious', the thing that I come back to the most, after nearly three years, is I miss my brother so bloody much. My mum has always been able to 'talk to him'. And I can't at all, except to say 'I miss you'. I wish things were different every day. And I'm a long way from any easy acceptance. You just let yourself be angry - you have a right. It's shit to lose a sibling, at any age and in any circumstances, so you are allowed to be angry.

evansmummy Wed 23-Mar-11 12:05:43

Hunker, bad and good news I guess! It must feel strange reaching the big 'R' earlier than you thought you would. It's the start of a new chapter. And they can kick off with that long awaited trip. I'm so pleased you're going and I hope it will be what you want it to. Are you going alone?

henrysmate Thu 24-Mar-11 19:03:52

Evansmummy, oh how awful for you, it must be so much worse if you actually have someone to blame for the death of your loved one - if I rage against Fate or whatever, my hatred doesn't have a face. My heart goes out to you. I do wish I could talk to F like your mum can to your brother, but I'm like you, I don't get that. All I have to put out there at the moment is the howling gap inside me.

Having the kids (the twins are 8 and the elder boy 11) is an incredible comfort though, I'm so lucky to have them so we can get eachother through all this shit. Thier dad has what is politely termed "substance abuse issues", so our effort is all on them really. They seem to be coping well at the moment. Kids deal with grief so differently to adults, so this is the start of a long road I guess. At the moment, they're so desperate to be "normal" after so many years of cancer talk, cancer treatment, nurses and doctors tramping through the house, mummy upstairs with strangers and people praying everywhere you looked. At the minute they like the quietness of the new house, bugs, talking about poo and anything vaguely PC related. Hearing them laugh is the best sound in the world. I don't know what I'd do without them now.

Thanks again for holding out a hand and telling me your story, it really does help.

evansmummy Fri 25-Mar-11 18:29:59

I don't think it's necessarily worse having someone to direct your anger onto. I sometimes think it would be easier if he didn't have a face cos then I wouldn't want to punch it every time i think of it smile. It sucks either way.

Those boys are lucky to have you. And you are lucky to have them. You sound like you're doing the best job possible in letting them be normal. They do grieve in a very different way. I went on a course on child bereavement a couple of months ago and one thing that stuck with me is that kids 'puddle jump' in grief - they will have brief bursts of sadness and then get back to normal. Have you noticed your nephews doing that? I know my son does it a bit, but he was only three when his uncle died so not really conscious of what happened.

On another selfish note I need advice from anyone (lurkers??) about what to say to my mum - she is organising a stone sculpture for her garden in memory of Jon and keeps asking what I want on it. I don't want to think about it at all; I've told her it makes me too upset to think about it and that i'm happy for her to do whatever, but she hasn't as yet got the hint. How do I say that I'm not into a stone tribute?? It's all too final and pointless.

caffeineaddict Fri 25-Mar-11 22:13:26

Hello just catching up on everyone. Hug to henrysmate. Evansmummy - completely understand about the stone tribute. You say clearly in your post why you don't want it - don't hint, just be as lucid as you are here.

On child bereavement - my daughter was 7 when my sister died of cancer. Within a couple of months after her death, daughter almost completely lost the sight in one eye. She had extensive tests at Moorfields, but they concluded there was nothing wrong with her eye, but some malfuctioning with the signals from the brain - they suggested it may be emotionally linked because of the shock of bereavement. It was such a grim time. 3 years on, or so, sight has almost completely returned to daughter's eye.

henrysmate Fri 25-Mar-11 22:21:04

You're so right evansmummy, it does indeed suck.

And yes, puddles is a good way of putting it, we have up and down days and the best I can say about it is that at least we don't all have them on the same day so we can get each other through it at the time. So there's some comfort in numbers I guess.

I hope you and your mum can come to some sort of agreement, my mum's very into tributes as well, I'm not. I just let her get on with it her way and try to bite my tongue. Maybe it's a generation thing.

evansmummy Mon 28-Mar-11 12:02:58

Maybe so, yes. She hasn't bothered me about it since last week so might just leave it til the next time. Who knows, maybe I'll have changed my mind by then smile. It has been known.

Definitely comfort in numbers - it was great to be living so near my parents and other brother when Jon died. They're all miles away now and I really feel the distance. I somehow feel safer when they're all around, weird.

Hope you've had a good weekend. Sunshine where you are?

MissM Tue 29-Mar-11 11:51:01

Hello. Have had a little lurk and am touched by your messages on Jim's birthday. EM, my mum does things 'in memory' of my brother that make me cringe and irritate me, and that I don't want to get involved in at all. But I'm slowly slowly coming round to realising that she is who she is and if that's what she needs to do then let her do it as it's not doing anyone any harm. I suppose that it's sinking in that although I thought we would all pull together and be closer after Jim's death, actually it seemed to tug us all apart in so many ways.

So I guess I'm saying let her have her stone sculpture if that makes her happy. Could you explain your reasons for not commenting on it, in a way that doesn't upset her? Or just agree with everything she suggests and have a rant at someone you trust? xx

evansmummy Fri 01-Apr-11 11:50:52

MissM, nice to hear from you. Hope you're keeping well. I like your last idea of just greeing then having a rant to someone else. Above all, I don't want her to be hurt by my non-involvement. She hasn't mentioned it since so I might have got away with it. I think I'll just smile and agree and let her get on with it, as you say, it's not doing any harm and she needs it.

I think it's also true what you say about this being very lonely, even with a close family. I do very much feel that I'm on my own in this, esp now that everyone is so far away.

Anyways, take care of yourself, I think of you often.

dejavuaswell Fri 15-Apr-11 09:36:59

I am just popping in for a brief chat and an update. I don't think I have been on the site more than a couple of times since I "left" which was both strong-willed but also unhelpful to me. I had found the support here useful but some posters on other parts of the site used to annoy me. Last weekend my brother pointed out in his logical way that I don't need to even visit 99.9% the rest of the MN site to post here so after a bit of indecision I am back.

After years of coping and a recent short spell of certainly not coping where am I with Jane's fatal accident? I don't know is the answer. If I really believed in the afterlife it would be different but thinking I will never see her again is a bitter pill.

dejavuaswell Sat 16-Apr-11 11:17:48

I see I managed to miss out a sentence! I should have added -

The good news is that having her photos on display and saying "Hello Jane." each morning does seem to have made a positive difference.

evansmummy Sat 16-Apr-11 16:24:37

deja, nice to hear from you again. I very rarely post anywhere other than here, so you would be safe here!

I get what you mean about not seeing your sister again. I'm not sure what I believe at the moment, though I suspect that my Christian faith will win through eventually. I'm too angry for that at the moment though. I guess the only thing I can say is if you don't believe there is anything coming after, you have to treasure and count the memories you have and the time you shared. That's just as valuable as a hope (which could be absolutely false anyway!)

And as for the photo, I'm really pleased to hear you still have that up, and that is helpful for you. It makes her a part of your day in a way.

I've just been to a friend's funeral. First one since my brother's. It was pretty hard, especially as the friend was in his 80s when he died. He helped me so much when Jonny died, this friend, and I will miss his great wisdom and the love he had for people who were suffering. He had such a heart. The last time I saw him, he was in hospital, in great pain, and he* asked how *I was and spent time trying to encourage me. So selfless. I wish I could be more like that. Bereavement has made me incredibly selfish.

caffeineaddict Sun 17-Apr-11 21:02:35

You're not selfish, evansmummy, you show too much compassion. Hello Dejavuaswell, good to hear from you.

home00 Mon 18-Apr-11 18:34:51

My sis died in May last year. I am so not looking forward to the anniversary as we had planned to visit grave etc with my mum. Unfortunately, she passed away last month. I am still going with other family members but I can tell it is going to be really hard.

caffeineaddict Mon 18-Apr-11 20:14:02

Sending you strength for May home00. Getting through anniversaries is so very tough. x

home00 Mon 18-Apr-11 21:12:39

Thank you. I think the hardest part is that mum won't be there with us.

evansmummy Wed 20-Apr-11 10:12:52

Too much compassion, caffeine? How can you show too much compassion? Surely we should strive to show as much as possible. Have I got it all wrong?!

home, I'm so sorry about your sister. As we always say, you're welcome here even though we wish you didn't have to be. The anniversary of my brother's death is also in May. It'll be three years for us. Anniversaries are always hard. And I'm sorry your mum won't be around. Two bereavements in a year is very hard, I know. With the rest of your family you will still be able to share memories. My dad did a great thing on the first anniversary - we had a special dinner together, my parents, other brother, husband and I, and he asked each of us to share one special memory of Jon. It was sad but moving as we all learnt things we hadn't known before. I know it will be a hard day, I hope you get through it ok.

home00 Wed 20-Apr-11 10:53:44

Thank you Evansmummy and so for your loss too. Plus all others on this thread. Some of the family are going and I am sure we will make it as special as we can.

caffeineaddict Wed 20-Apr-11 18:15:35

Evansmummy, I just meant you demonstrate compassion clearly to a degree that you cannot be considered selfish! May sounds grim for so many of us.

evansmummy Wed 20-Apr-11 19:19:41

caffeine, thanks for the exaplanation, I get it now! And thanks for the little ego boost wink. Is May bad for you too?

I figure I can let you know now, I'm pregnant. Has been an emotional first trimester, and I still am feeling pretty hormonal - which has a dreadful effect on grief! But trying to keep positive and remember what a gift a baby is.

caffeineaddict Thu 21-Apr-11 13:05:28

Ahh, Evansmummy, I am so delighted by your news. (May not as bad for me as Jan/Oct) I know the hormones are tough on the grief, and even the best of news is bittersweet, but this is joyous x

home00 Thu 21-Apr-11 13:44:26

Congratulations Evansmummy.

evansmummy Thu 21-Apr-11 22:17:15

Just found out today that we have a 1:23 chance of having a DS baby. Having an amnio in two weeks. What a shit day.

caffeineaddict Fri 22-Apr-11 13:55:29

Evansmummy thinking of you xxx

madworld2 Fri 22-Apr-11 20:22:43

Fingers crossed and thinking of you Evansmummy x

Hunkerbunker2 Sat 23-Apr-11 08:47:08

I got back from South Africa yesterday with very, very mixed feelings. I was very pleased to see Diane's grave after so long and I made two visits (one right at the start of the trip and one on my last full day in Durban) to see it. But leaving the grave the second time was very emotional because I know in my heart that I am unlikely to travel to South Africa again. I found the 16 days I was away very tiring, especially the flights, and towards the end I was flagging and not enjoying myself very much.

Diane's former husband and his family made me feel welcome but "my former wife's sister" as I was to him is a bit of a remote relationship. It was obvious that there was rather more to Diane's death than I had ever been told but there never seemed to be a suitable moment to probe a bit more deeply. I will have to think what to do.

Sorry to jump into your special thread. Please forgive me.

Evansmummy - I had a similar amnio test with DS4 - I decided that no matter what I was going to keep him and fight his corner. He is 13 now, he didn't have DS but, to be honest, I would have loved him no matter what. I hope everything works out for you. Just wanted you to know that Im thinking about you xxx

Im so sorry for all your losses - My DS1 still struggles at times (he is almost 30) with the loss of his twin brother (at 7 months) and his little brothers death (at 7 years) ten years afterwards. He has separation anxiety and spends most of his days worrying about his little lad who is almost 3. My heart goes out to you all and I wanted to send my love. xx

henrysmate Sat 23-Apr-11 10:26:10

thinking of you evansmummy xx

evansmummy Sun 24-Apr-11 20:59:33

hunker, sounds like mixed emotions for you on your trip. Can you try an email or letter to your sister's husband?

shabba, how nice to hear from you! I just don't know what to feel at the moment. I'd like to be as sure as you were about 'fighting his corner' but then all sorts of considerations come into play and cloud the issue for me. It's swirling around my head pointlessly because we can't do anything until we get the results back which is weeks away!

Thanks henrysmate. I appreciate it. How are you and the boys?

Anyways, you're all never far from my thoughts.

evansmummy Tue 26-Apr-11 21:19:39

Had CVS today. Just couldn't wait any longer so decided to go for it. Results should be in by the weekend.

cyteen, I don't know if you are still around, but, in spite of the scary day I've had, I have been thinking of you today. In fact you were my second thought of the day (right after the obvious worry!). Hope your day has been peaceful xx

evansmummy Thu 28-Apr-11 16:11:59

Just got my results back - got the all clear! I am so relieved...

Hunkerbunker2 Sat 30-Apr-11 10:51:17

I haven't decided what to do about the unanswered questions about Diane's death. I would have liked to have seen a death certificate and to have read the post mortem report but if BiL "doesn't have them any more" there isn't much I can do. I have got a photo of Diane on display and some copies of photos from her life in South Africa to remember her by and I suppose I will have to be content with that.

madworld2 Sat 30-Apr-11 18:43:42

So pleased for you Evansmummy.

evansmummy Sun 01-May-11 11:25:21

Hunker, if you really want to know, you have a right to. If bil doesn't have them, or doesn't want to give them to you, you can contact the hospital. On the other hand, sometimes it's better not knowing. We've had to come to terms with a lot of not knowing. Sometimes it bugs me, I want to know all the details, and then sometimes I think it might be easier as finding out something horrible would be a real set back. I would understand either decision and whatever you decide to do, will virtually support you as much/little as you need.

madworld, thanks, it's a weight off my mind to say the least!

caffeineaddict Sun 01-May-11 22:43:05

Hi Evansmummy WhooHoo! x
Hunkerbunker, thinking of you too.

Hunkerbunker2 Tue 03-May-11 10:57:28

I have decided not to make waves by asking more questions about Diane's death. Its too long ago and in the very unlikely event that something sinister did happen it would be almost impossible to get people to take my concerns seriously. Especially as I don't even live in South Africa. Perhaps I should have done more at the time?

madworld78 Wed 04-May-11 09:53:08

Well its the 1st anniv of sister's death today. It has come around so quickly. Also so much sadness in between. Really need something to focus on today.
(Must stop namechanging!)

evansmummy Wed 04-May-11 14:46:54

madworld, I'm thinking of you today. How do you feel about focusing pn your sister today? Find some happy memories, write them down, or write her a letter. I have a notebook full of letters to my brother! Go for a walk and think about her. Somewhere where it doesn't matter if you cry.

Sneding you strength and peace for today xx

madworld78 Wed 04-May-11 14:58:47

Thank you Evansmummy. It funny but I have been thinking alot about some happy memories I had over last weekend and sharing them with dc.

evansmummy Wed 04-May-11 16:15:21

That's good, madworld! I am really happy to hear you are able to share good memories with your children. It can be hard to remember the good times, so it makes me smile to hear you're doing that! I'll be thinking of you for the rest of the day.

madworld78 Wed 04-May-11 17:46:49

Thank you.

henrysmate Wed 04-May-11 22:39:07

So happy to see your news evansmummy, thanks for keeping us posted. We're muddling through I think, had a bit of a tough week a few weeks ago, but the boys seem to spring back up so much more quickly than I can. They keep me going smile

And also very happy for you too Hunkerbunker2, I think it's a step towards peace for you, this time you're in control of the decision and that's very different to how it was. You do have more than the photos to remember Diane by, certificates from people you'll never meet aren't fitting memetos of someone as dear as a sister anyway.

evansmummy Thu 05-May-11 09:00:08

Hunkerbunker, henrysmate is right. The details aren't as important as remembering what a special person your sister was. There's no point in having regrets either - you can't change anything now. I hope your decision has brought you some peace.

Thanks, henrysmate. And I'm pleased to hear those boys are pulling you along. Kids deal with grief much better than we do - they sad but can compartmentalize better and in that way get on with life. We as adults have so much baggage that makes it harder fo us to do that. You sound very positive.

shelleylou Sun 08-May-11 13:42:13

evansmummy so pleased your result came back clear.
Home00 welcome to this wonderful thread. It has brought me much support since my brothers death in 2009.
I second grief playing up with hormones. I've been very teary lately which i know is a bit of both. Im expecting DC2 in October so it will definitely be a bittersweet month for me.

dejavuaswell Thu 12-May-11 18:56:42

I was in Shrewsbury with friends yesterday and I saw a young lady shopping who looked so like my late sister looks in her graduation photos that it almost scared me.

I seem to be muddling along and not really at peace with my regrets and thoughts of what might have been.

evansmummy Fri 13-May-11 10:55:16

That same thing jsut happened to me, deja. Saw a man that looked just like Jonny walking up my road. Same walk and everything.

Have you tried any counselling? Maybe talking about how you feel might help?

Evansmummy just came to lurk to check how you are all doing. Saw that you got the all clear - I am totally and utterly delighted for you xxxxx Sending my love and thoughts xx

evansmummy Wed 18-May-11 10:01:23

Thanks shabba. The rapid results were fine, but we are still waiting on the final confirmation - apparently the cultures are growing slowly. It's making me very nervous. Thanks for remembering me xx

Hunkerbunker2 Mon 23-May-11 14:07:54

I don't know why but I'm feeling down in the dumps today. I am the last survivor of my branch of the family (I'm 64) and like other people in my situation there doesn't seem much to look forward to. Technically I am still married but as I haven't seen or heard from him for over 20 years except via solicitors he hardly counts. Grey and dull outside and grey and dull inside me.

evansmummy Mon 23-May-11 20:43:54

Oh Hunkerbunker, you poor thing. You don't need to have a reason for being down. Some days are just like that. I think you are very brave - a long trip over the other side of the world in tricky circumstances and a new chapter of your life on top of a bereavement, however old, and you are still standing.

I think it's normal to have those kinds of feelings when you start your retirement. Have you some plans for your time now?

Hunkerbunker2 Tue 24-May-11 12:24:58

I've sorted out some voluntry sector involvement and I have the various groups I been a member of for years but none of this seems, at the moment, to make up for having no family left. My finances are OK as is my bodily health so I don't know why I'm feeling miserable. But there is no getting away from the fact that miserable is what I am.

evansmummy Tue 24-May-11 19:22:26

Do you think it's to do with your sister? I know that bereavement makes us face up to our own mortality, and perhaps now that you are not working, and you have visited your sister's grave, those feelings are (re)surfacing? Have you thought about bereavement counselling?

Hunkerbunker2 Wed 25-May-11 08:57:58

I think I might need to think about bereavement counselling. It is available near to where I live although I don't know what is involved.

evansmummy Wed 25-May-11 11:36:28

Try CRUSE 0844 4779400 or website here. I had counselling from them after my brother died and it was invaluable. It is talking therapy so the counsellor assigned to you will just encourage you to talk about how you feel and help you to come to some understanding of why you feel that way as well as find some things that might help. I really can't recommend it enough. It is one of those things though where you have to build up your courage and just do it! Good luck, let me know what you decide.

caffeineaddict Wed 25-May-11 14:38:05

Just to say am thinking about you HB2, It sounds really tough for you at the moment

Hunkerbunker2 Sun 05-Jun-11 15:56:22

I went to bereavement counselling on Friday and I have started to explore my feelings. I think what has happened is three different unhappinesses have come together and while I might have coped with some of them all three is just too much. The unanswered questions about my sister's death, the long, long separation from my husband (Catholics cannot divorce) and not being able to have children have all left me with no family to share things with.

lookout Tue 07-Jun-11 09:06:46

Hunker, I'm really pleased to hear you have started counselling and I really hope it helps you. Having that neutral person to talk to and help sort through things was a life saver for me and hope it will start you taking small steps on the road to acceptance.

The 3rd anniversary of Jonathan's death was last Monday. It was a very sad day, preceeded by 5 other very sad days as I ran through in my mind all that time in hospital before he died. I was surprised at how much it still hurts when I let it, and realise that much of the time, I bury it away. I'm not sure how good/bad that is, but it's my way of coping, I guess. I missed the booze and fags wink! I was also disappointed that hardly any of my friends remembered/acknowledged it including dh (the rotter), and only three of his friends posted on his fb wall. I guess people move on.

PS I've had a name change, I am actually em!)

Binary Tue 05-Jul-11 14:44:32

I promised myself I would wait 6 months before posting again and here I am.

The baby - a son for sure - is due any day now. My DW is like a balloon waiting to go pop!

It seem like just the blink of eye since my twin sister Caroline died but it will soon be 2 years. I was up at the cemetery this last weekend and I gave the stone a good clean.

I always run my fingers along the text I had engraved on her stone. It was what she wrote to me during her final illness. "Remember in the dark days you are going through that I will love you for ever and ever and I will wait here quietly for you to come to me. Your loving twin Caroline XXX"

Rest in peace Caroline and go in peace all those reading this note.

Binary Tue 05-Jul-11 14:45:44

Dejavuaswell: sister Jane, birthday 26th October, died 24th October 1992

Cyteen: brother Simon, birthday 9th July, died April 26th 2007

Caffeineaddict: sister Jenny, birthday 15th Jan. Died 14th October 2007

Evansmummy: brother Jonny, birthday 6th March, died 30th May 2008

MissM: brother Jim, birthday March 9th, died October 17th 2008

Binary (was Oneofapair): twin sister Caroline, birthday September 29th, died August 27th 2009

Shelleylou: brother Matt, birthday 28th June, died October 19th 2009.

Hunkerbunker2 Sat 09-Jul-11 08:23:57

Most of the regulars seemed to have disappeared from this thread. Hello ...., hello.....?

I'm trying to fill my life with volunteer work but what I really need is a family to share things with and that is the one thing I cannot have.

caffeineaddict Mon 11-Jul-11 10:35:32

Hi Hunkerbunker
I am here, though less frequently, as now coping with dying father. He's very elderly, and while this is truly awful, it's not the gut wrenching horror of losing a sibling before her time. Just wanted to say hello to you - and others- and send you warm thoughts. x

shelleylou Sun 24-Jul-11 15:38:26

hello hunker im still here. Been without internet and been very hormal with the arrival of DS2. He is due between the annviersairy of my brothers death and funeral so the end of October is going to be a very emotional time for me and my family. I decided a while ago if i had another son it would have his uncles name for a middle name. This is still the case just need to speak to my parents and see if they are ok with the idea. Its really hard to find the 'right' time if that makes sense. I found out it was a boy before DB's birthday and haven't made any mention of the name yet. I've still got time before he needs to be named but dont want to leave it too long. Thinking of you all

Hunkerbunker2 Wed 17-Aug-11 15:42:22

It has been a month since I posted. Sorry about that. Most of the time I've been without any internet access thanks to BT and the next door neighbour's builders who damaged the phone line at least twice.

I have been invited to go out to South Africa again but this time on a long-term basis. I really might go because the person I thought might become my civil partner has moved out, moved on and moved away.

I still miss my sister each and everyday.

Hunkerbunker2 Wed 17-Aug-11 15:46:31

Not of course that it could ever be a proper as in legal, civil partner because in the eyes of the State my husband and I are still married.

dejavuaswell Fri 19-Aug-11 10:26:17

I had no idea that it had been so long since I posted or visited Mumsnet.

And I am still sad about my sister Jane? You bet I am. But life goes on, minor and major events seem to go from "due next month" to "happening" to "was that really six weeks ago?" in an endless rush.

I can see some old names are still posting (hello to them) and some new people are finding us, although I wish, if you see what I mean, that they didn't need to.

What is a bit sad is the names who used to post but don't need or want to anymore. Perhaps people here had started to think I was one of them? Looking at the list of dates at the top of the thread reminds me that the next sad anniversary is Binary's twin sister Caroline. he only posts very rarely. (Waves at him!!)

Anyway I will lurk for a few days just to see what's going on.

dejavuaswell Wed 24-Aug-11 08:58:16

I was lucky enough to find support here at a very difficult time in my life. I will always be grateful to some of the regular posters who spent time with me. But it seems as if they have been able to move on or perhaps they have decided that Mumsnet isn't where they need (or want) to be at their current point in the grieving cycle. Perhaps they lurk and are strong-willed enough to just do that without bursting into print. Weak as ever I feel I either have to post here or stay away. No sensible middle route for me.

So I think I am going to have to say goodbye (again). We have all been given a difficult path to tread and I really hope you manage to find the peace that so far has escaped me. Good luck to you all.

Bye!

Binary Fri 26-Aug-11 07:48:16

My twin sister Caroline died 2 years ago tomorrow. May she rest in peace.

caffeineaddict Fri 26-Aug-11 20:25:40

Will be thinking of you tomorrow, Binary. May you find some peace too. x

lookout Sun 28-Aug-11 08:59:38

Hey all (it's evansmummy btw). I had no idea people were still posting on here. After my last post I kept checking and checking and there were never any replies so I presumed everyone had moved on. Sorry for not replying to the more recent posts, had I known they were here, I would have.

Binary, how was yesterday for you? Did you mark the day somehow? Good luck with your new little one when he (or maybe she?!) arrives.

Hunker, SA sounds like it could be a good idea. How long term? Would you then think about broaching some of those difficult questions with your sister's husband?

deja, I think I know how you feel. Life catches up and takes over but if you ever give yourself time to stop and think, the sadness is still there.

shelley, how's the bump? I think your brother's name as a middle name is a great idea, I'd do the same only ds1 doesn't have a midle name and it would be weird to have one with and one without, so I have had to let the idea go. I don't se why your mum would have a problem, it's way of remembering her son in future generations. Hope you find that 'right time' and that she is responsive.

I've finished my studies, it has taken up a lot of my time and energy over the last year which has been a good thing. I got a first for m English/French degree and am super proud of my self grin. I know Jonny would have been too. I'm hormonal as well, baby due about the same time as shelley's, around the end of October. I'm trying not to think most of the time because if I do the tears come easily and I'm afraid I won't be able to stop them.

As ever, even if I don't post I think of you all often, including the original posters. As deja said, this place was a godsend for me and those people that walked the path with me for however long or short a time were a lifeline. I will never forget you xx

Hunkerbunker2 Mon 29-Aug-11 08:04:52

Hello Lookout.
I thought I was moving forward because I was in a relationship and making the first moves towards divorcing my husband who deserted me 2 decades ago. But they say there is no fool like an old fool (I'm in my 60's) and it all went wrong. The lady I hoped might become my civil partner has moved out, moved on and moved away. South Africa will be a fresh start. England is just where I live. I don't feel part of it, I'm just the lonely old lady who lives at number 23.

lookout Wed 31-Aug-11 08:18:42

Hey Hunker

Sounds like you're having a rough time of it sad. So I'm not surprised you are seriously considering SA. Don't think you're a fool. It's not your fault. You can still carry on with your divorce plans, it may help you leave the past where it should be - behind you. I'm sorry to hear about your partner too. I hope you find some comfort in planning a move to SA, as you say a new start may be just what you need.

Thinking of you.

Hunkerbunker2 Wed 31-Aug-11 09:48:47

Monday was a bad day. I'm not usually so downhearted. I am seeing a solicitor this week about a divorce. 20 years living apart is surely enough grounds on its own? I don't know where his lives but I do have full details of his solicitor who deal with all exchanges of letters or documents that we both need to sign.

lookout Wed 31-Aug-11 13:46:28

That sounds like a positive step to me. How's retirement treating you?

Hunkerbunker2 Wed 31-Aug-11 15:52:04

Retirement has been fair enough. My health and my finances are fine but I miss the social side of working and the purpose and focus it gave me.

Instead of writing to my husbands solicitor in Carlisle I phoned them because it makes things quicker and it is about time I did something decisive about getting a divorce.

I left a message with the receptionist and the solicitor phoned back within a hour. They are going to contact my husband and will then write to me. It is a relief in some ways to have taken the first step, of many, towards sorting this problem out.

I last saw my husband in December 1990 at Northampton Bus Station - the one under the shopping centre - he went north, I went west with just a casual goodbye and four dry eyes.

lookout Thu 01-Sep-11 12:20:33

That's sad Hunker. But at the same time, I know divorces/separations that have been awfully acrimonious. I'm not sure if one is better than the other though, either way, it's sad. I hope the divorce process will help you move on after all this time, you do sometimes sound like you've got one foot in the past?

You need a new focus. A move perhaps? smile

Hunkerbunker2 Fri 02-Sep-11 18:50:59

Lookout - you are right. I have sighed and what-if'd for too much of my life.

That is why the divorce and moving to South Africa is so important. Clean break, new start.

MiniSis Sat 10-Sep-11 11:41:41

My sister who posted on MN passed away nearly 4 weeks ago now. It was very sudden and completely unexpected. My mum had seen her not an hour before she fell asleep. She was 33 and leaves behind her husband, 3 daughters (aged 5 and 6 month old twins) my parents, myself and my darling little boy who is just 10 months.

We had her funeral on Thursday after 3.5 long weeks of waiting. To be honest, part of me has died too and I'm not sure how life will be for me and how I will cope. But of course it is all still so raw.

So sleep tight my magic sister until we meet again x x x

16th March 1978 - 15th August 2011 xxx

GRW Sat 10-Sep-11 13:48:53

I am so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself, and share your feelings with those around you, and honestly it will get easier, but it takes time. I hope that having your little boy to care for and family around you helps.
My sister died suddenly also aged 33 on 15th August 1998; she was my best friend and my daughter was 6 months old at the time. My DD gave me a purpose to go on, but I will always feel sad that she has no memories of my sister.

dejavuaswell Sat 10-Sep-11 19:36:01

Yes please be kind to yourself. All the people on this thread would agree that when a sibling dies part of you dies too so you are very much not alone. Keeping posting and somebody will come - I promise!

lookout Sun 11-Sep-11 11:27:45

MiniSis, so sorry to hear about your sister, what a tragic thing to happen. It's such early days for you, you don't need to worry yet about how you'll carry on and how you'll cope. All you need to do for now is take one day at a time, or even one hour at a time, keep putting one foot in front of the other and be kind to yourself, as the others have said. You do whatever you have to do, whatever feels right to you at that moment. And keep posting if it helps.

How did you find the funeral? I hope you are close to your parents and brother in law and that you will all be able to support each other through this.

You are in my thoughts.

MiniSis Sun 11-Sep-11 21:40:45

Hi lookout, thank you smile The funeral was the perfect send off and I know my sister would be pleased. Her DH took care of most the finer details such as the music, but he included a song special to me and my sister. Me, BIL and my mum spent hours laughing and crying as we wrote her tribute that was read by the vicar. Afterwards I felt very relived as we had been waiting have her funeral for 3.5 weeks after a very long wait for her body to be released.

I am incrediblyu close to my family, me and my sister were as close as you get. I do live in a different county about 60 miles away which is hard, but not much I can do about that. Myself and BIL have had our ups and downs over the years, but we have become very close and supportive of eachother in the last month. I feel I have a job to do in helping him being up my 3 neices.

I am going back to work tomorrow, it is maybe too soon, but I feel I need the distraction and my son needs some normality too.

lookout Mon 12-Sep-11 12:02:10

It's horrible having such a wait for the funeral, and it must have been a release of some sort afterwards. We had a 2 1/2 week wait for my brother's funeral and then over a year until all of him could be interred, so I know some of how you feel. I'm glad you are able to support your bil, and vice versa. Poor guy, with three young girls, he's lucky to have you not too too far away. It's so important in the early days to have someone to talk to, someone who knew your sister well and can be close to you. I hope that continues.

I hope work is going ok for you today. You are very brave. If it doesn't work, you can always take more time off - will your work be understanding? I had 3 1/2 months off! And then quit that job not long after that, I found it very hard to go back to 'normality'. I really hope it'll be good for you, though, you know yourself best, listen to your body and do what it tells you!

If you want to tell us about your sister at any point, feel free. We have all shared memories along the way (the original siblings thread was started three years ago) and it can be helpful for people replying to know about you, your sister and your relationship. But only if you want to - there's no pressure to do anything smile.

Thinking of you today.

MiniSis Mon 12-Sep-11 18:52:58

Thank you again smile

Work was ok, much better than I expected actually. I teach secondary school, was not remotely prepared and very anxious, but it went well, no need to get stressed with the kids and it really took my mind off of things. They have been incredibly supportive and if I need time off then I am sure they will be fine. I've only been back 2 weeks (in July) since a year of maternity leave!!

I will share memories with you, I have millions, although I struggle to recall if that makes sense. I can't really think of any "Do you remember when" moments.. I don't know why and it worries me a bit sad

lookout Tue 13-Sep-11 20:06:55

Happy to hear work went well, sounds like it'll be a good distraction for you, that's a positive thing to hold onto.

Don't worry too much about not remembering stuff. my memory blacked out for a while afterwards too, something to do with the brain only letting you remember what you can cope with bit by bit. It will come back in time. When was the last time you saw your sister?

MiniSis Tue 13-Sep-11 20:45:22

I saw her the night before she died. I'd had my 30th birthday party on the saturday night, then she popped in late sunday to pick up her baby monitor. I was supposed to go out with her on Monday morning but couldn't at the last minute and she died that afternoon.

So I have regrets I could have seen her one last time. She kept texting me asking if I was coming (to where she was)

sad

lookout Tue 13-Sep-11 21:33:08

You weren't to know. You have to focus on the fact that you did see her the day before, and that is a good thing. There will be regrest, we've all had them, but in the end they serve no purpose. Try to focus on what is positive, if you can, though I know that isn't easy. Playing the 'what if' game won't get you anywhere.

I don't want to pry, so don't answer if you don't want to. Do you know what happened? It sounds so sudden, and as you said before, unexpected. Somebody else's sibling died of Sudden Adult Death Syndrome (was it Hunker? I'm sorry, my memory is shot to bits this pregnancy!), so I just wondered if it was something similar. It's truly awful losing a sibling in any circumstances, but I know that not having time to prepare is heart-breaking. One minute you're thinking 'I'll text/call/see them another time', the next minute, it's too late. See, even three years on I can still regret things. But I do try and tell myself that my brother knew I loved him, and that we all have busy lives, and he understood that. Your sister would too.

MiniSis Tue 13-Sep-11 22:37:02

I take comfort that I had seen her. In fact in the 2 weeks prior her DH had taken 2 weeks off and they had spent the time together doing day trips with their 3 children, including coming to stay with me. She'd seen all of my family at my birthday party and the following she'd been to a bbq at DH's family. So she'd pretty much seen everyone just before she died.

We haven't had the coroners report yet, that should be in the next week. My sister had a congenital heart condition and I'm a bit ashamed to say I'm not exactly sure what it was. Basically she had a slow heartbeat, but had lived with it all through her life. Last year she had a pacemaker fitted which was set to make her heart beat at 60bpm, whereas normally it only beat at around 32bpm. Just 2 months after it was fitted she fell pregnant with twins (her 4th pregnancy with 2 mc's one at 22 weeks) She gave birth to the twins naturally at 37 weeks (I think or maybe 36 I'm sure 37)!!

Anyway, on the day she died she left my mums at about 3.30 or so to feed the twins. She spoke to her DH around 4.05pm, he called her at 5.30 and she didn't answer. He came home at 6pm to find her on the sofa. She was still sitting up and her DD1 thought she was asleep. As far as we know the twins rolled from the sofa to the floor (so whether she passed out or just died we don't know) but have been told that indicates that whatever happend was instant and she did not know, was not in pain or anything.

The original PM came up with nothing and further tests on her heart (hence the wait for the funeral) has found something, but we do not know what yet. We don't know if it was the pacemaker, or just too much pressure fom the pregnancies and birth on her delicate heart or something else altogether. So SAD is not something I/we have considered.

She was not ill, she was perfectly healthy. she saw the heart people regularly and had the pacemaker checked around May time and all was well.

lookout Wed 14-Sep-11 10:15:02

Oh, that is so sad. I have tears in my eyes. I feel desperate for you all. Such a shock, and with such small kids. She sounds like a brave lady to have lived with a heart condition all her life, and how frustrating to know she was well and healthy!

But it is amazing that her family, you included, all saw her recently. That is a comfort, however small.

Hope work goes ok for you today. What do you teach?

MiniSis Wed 14-Sep-11 12:02:21

Thanks, it is heartbreaking. I keep going on her fb page sad

I teach humanities in secondary school, I am noy in today as DS had a total meltdown last night and was really poorly. Been to the docs and he has bronchiolitis. Doesn't rain, it bloody pours and I'm sure work love me!!!

Sad thing is my sister would normally be the first one I'd phone if DS was poorly sad

lookout Wed 14-Sep-11 18:03:47

Man, the number of times I wanted to phone my brother and then realised I couldn't... I'm sure work will be fine, you can't do anything about poorly kids.

You can still talk to your sister. She just might not be so good at replying now smile.

I bet people have left a lot of lovely messages on her fb? It's comforting and incredibly depressing at the same time. We also had photos from my brother's uni friends (he was only 24 when he died) posted on there that we'd never seen. It'll be something you'll be able to come back to in the future, and hopefully one day it won't always be quite so sad.

In the meantime though, keep taking one day at a time. You sound like you're doing well so far, though that's never easy to tell over the internet!Do you have a partner and/or close friend who is supporting you?

MiniSis Wed 14-Sep-11 19:09:22

Loads of people wrote on her wall, it was horrible reading it. One person wrote on her wall writing about her not to her, in the past tense and although everything he wrote was true, she's gone, she "was" amazing etc, I found it so inconsiderate!! Now the messages have dwindled and I go on her page and there is nothing new and it makes me sad, people are forgetting her. I wrote that I missed her last night. I know one day I won't go on her page anymore, but for now I am drawn to it. I assume fb don't close the account? At some point I want to get all of the photo's off as some we don't have and get her witty comments so her kids can see what she wrote about them haha smile

I am on my own with DS and my family live 60 miles away, but I have friends who are coming to see me and lots of phonecalls. It's lonely sometimes, but I do have lots of support. I even spoke to the GP earlier about a referral to CRUSE. She said it's best I call myself but I don't think I am ready just yet.

Btw, I think our DS's are called the same (going by your old name!!)

lookout Wed 14-Sep-11 20:04:49

Well, you obv have great taste in names then wink.

That sounds like a fab idea, getting her comments and some photos from fb, and her kids will appreciate that one day. They don't close the account - in fact, we asked for Jonny's fb page to be closed and were told it 'wasn't their practise to close fb pages'. Probably if we'd pursued it we could have had it closed but he had disabled his Wall and we just left it. We opened another page for us and his mates to write and post stuff and even now I still check regularly and post from time to time. It sounds naff but it's a way of keeping him alive. It still makes me cry to read it now, you're right it is horrible cos it makes what you've lost all the more apparent. I'm still glad it's there though.

It is horrible when the messages slow down, and what really annoys me now is that people post 'Happy Birthday' on there when they get a fb birthday reminder, and then don't post anything the rest of the year angry. There are a core of his friends who still post regularly, maybe once every couple months, but it is sad to think that even they will eventually move on.

Glad to hear you've got support from your friends. Will you be able to get to see your parents often? Are you close to them, relationship speaking? Have you been able to talk about your sister with them? I can thoroughly recommend Cruse, when you are ready. They were amazing for me, for about a year, and I don't know what I would have done without them. There's no time limit though, you do it when it feels like the right time. If you're a person who likes to talk things through, then it really is the best kind of help you can get.

GRW Wed 14-Sep-11 21:03:45

I am sorry for both your losses. Mini Sis- it must have been such a shock and almost unbelievable at first. It's part of grieving to have regrets about what you could have done differently; I hope it will be a comfort that you did see her just a day before she died.
My sister died before there was such a thing as Facebook, and it seems too long ago now to set up a tribute page for her. I am still in touch with some of her friends occasionally, and I've kept some of the letters and poems they wrote after her death.
There are tribute websites such as muchloved.com where you can post photos and thoughts.

MumfieReturns Sun 25-Sep-11 14:40:04

Not quite sure why I'm posting this, but here goes.

My brother killed himself a couple of months ago, and I'm just losing it. I was OK for a while after the funeral, but things keep coming back to haunt me, I keep hearing my mum say "we lost him" and I can't breathe. We went through a lot of crap at home when we were young (emotional/physical abuse) and he's the only person out there who knew & understood me and now he's gone and I'm alone. I'm married, I have two gorgeous kids but I've had a hole ripped out of my heart and it feels like it'll never heal. Everyone's looking after mum & dad, I can't bear to be with them and talk to them they're selfish as ever - which sounds harsh unless you know them, anyone who knows about toxic parents will know what I mean. I just get the feeling that everyone I know is fed up with me being miserable, and I need to get my act together. I worry about my kids, depression runs in the family, and I worry about myself, if my brother got to the point where death was the best option, I could easily and up there too.

Sorry if this all seems like self-indulgent nonsense, I'm just in such turmoil and MN was the only place I could think of where someone might understand (I used to post a couple of years back as SkipToMyLou/Mumfie68). Ok, if you're still reading, thanks, it's very cathartic!

Mumfie it isn't self indulgent nonsense at all. You are going through a horrendous experience and need to talk about it with people that understand what you are going through.

Having been through a very similar experience, with what sound like similar family dynamics, I know exactly how you are feeling - that awful sense of loss and desolation that no one can take away is unbearable. I also understand the sort of issues it brings up with your parents which compounds the anguish. There are no real answers that will take the pain away but I found that talking to people on this thread, who knew how it felt was very helpful - especially in the early stages that you are in. For the first few months after I lost my db I would describe myself as being demented with grief - to the point where I felt I was losing my mind but now, nearly three years on, although the pain is still there, it is more bearable and I know I will be able to go on with life, although it is not the life I had expected and one tinged with great sadness, it is now at least bearable.
You will get through this mumfie, it might not feel like it at the moment and my heart goes out to you as the pain you are experiencing is awful, but you will eventually feel better than you do now. xxxx

lookout Sun 25-Sep-11 19:36:09

mumfie, so sorry to hear about your brother. Glad you found us on here, we've all been through similar experiences so will be able to share some of your grief, and understand some of what you are experiencing.

A lot of what you write takes me back to my grief, now nearly 3.5 years old. People often remember parents, as rightly they should, but forget siblings, and they are often the people who know us better than anyone. Especially in a difficult home situation like you describe, I can well understand the 'hole ripped out of your heart' feeling. It is an awful feeling, and one that, at the time, feels like it will never leave you. Don't fight it, sometimes it's fine to let it wash over you, but keep posting/talking to a good friend/counsellor because getting those feelings out is what ultimately will help.

This thread, and it's predecessorhere have been helpful for so many because as winetime says, sometimes only people who have been through it can be of any use to you. If you get a chance to read through some of the old thread it might help (I was evansmummy btw).

It's still early days and I can remember feeling like my life was over, thinking some really awful thoughts and wishing myself dead after my brother died. But you will get through it, and we will help you as best we can.

Take care of yourself, and don't put pressure on yourself just yet to behave a certain way. You'll do this in your own time xx

MumfieReturns Mon 26-Sep-11 10:14:16

Thank you thank you both so much, I've had a really unbearable week and now I feel like I can breathe again, it's so helpful to know there are other people like me and I'm not silly. Winetimeisfinetime, I've started reading the old thread and I hope I haven't kicked off bad memories for you, it does seem that our situations are similar. Do you still make the effort with your mum? I just feel like it's the final straw, I had no input into DB's funeral and I'm so hurt that I want to cut mum out of my life for ever. But then I feel bad because I'm the only child now, and she must be going through hell because he was staying over hers the weekend he died; she went out for dinner in the evening with friends and within an hour he was gone. So many questions, so much anger and regret. I think I'm still having trouble understanding how I feel, there's so much swirling around and I can't seem to put it into words. Wine helps, rather too much. I'm also lucky to have a DH who notices when I'm suddenly crying for no reason and has as many hugs as I need, I do find it hard to talk to him though as I know he wasn't DB's biggest fan.

Lookout, you are a total star and you make a lot of sense. I've been reluctant to let my feelings have full rein recently as I'm scared I won't stop crying, but I think I need to just let it all go soon. I'm not usually a crying person, I'm the one with the twisted sense of humour who can always find something to smile about, but I've cried so much. It feels good to have this safe space on MN where I can be honest to my feelings, I'm sorry we're all here but I am SO glad we're here and not alone.

Right, back to reading the old thread and having a good cry, sod the housework this morning!

Hi Mumfie - I started reading the old thread too, after seeing your post and whilst it made me quite tearful, it was also cathartic for me to realise how far I have come since I first posted on it. My first posts were made when I was probably where you are now - down a deep,dark pit of dispair and I am now in a place where I can actually function again. The pain never seems to go away - it is always lurking just under the surface but there is now happiness and hopefulness in my life and a future to look forward to. It is such a horrible journey that you are having to go on but hold on as you will gradually feel better than you do now.

I still do see my mum - I am mainly the one to keep in touch as I think the guilt I felt about my db made me realise that allthough my mum has many shortcomings, it is better for me to just accept her as she is and finally come to terms with the fact that I can't have any expectations of her as I then will consequently have no guilt that I cut her off iyswim. But I feel more emotionally distant from her than ever. I learned once and for all that I couldn't rely on her at all - she offered no support at any stage after my db died and left the responsibility for everything to me and my sister. There seems to be no realisation from her ( or my father ) that our upbringing had anything to do with how screwed up we all are. I can see quite clearly now that she lacks any empathy and now it is so indisputable I seem to find it easier to accept. I realise that she can't help it as it just not in her.So I do understand how much harder it makes it when you have disfunctional parents - it brings up so many emotions not least of which is anger.

I'm glad to hear that you have a supportive dh but if you find it hard to talk to him, then come here and talk. xxx

lookout Mon 26-Sep-11 15:54:11

mumfie, thanks for coming back and posting again, and I'm glad you're glad you found us smile. As we always say, we're sorry you have to be here but it is one of the only places where you know you won't be judged.

Anger, regret, questions are things we've all been through, whatever the circumstances we've found ourselves in. It's a normal part of grieving. Getting it out really can help to make sense of it, because there's often someone who will have felt the same thing. So posting here or talking rhough counselling is a really helpful way of dealing with stuff. We've had mixed results with counselling on these threads, but if it's something you might be interested in at whatever point, I can recommend CRUSE, they were a lifesaver for me.

As you say, with so much swirling around your head, now is not such a great time to make decisions. Even though the relationship with your mum sounds difficult (at the very least!), hopefully with a bit of time you'll see things more clearly and will be better able to deal with her, much like winetime has.

Wine and smoking were my big 'crutch' for a long time too. In fact up until I fell pregnant in February of this year I was still drinking to numb the pain. As winetime says, that pain doesn't ever seem to go away, and sometimes still does rear its head and catch you by surprise. Don't worry for now about the wine, someone said to me on the very first thread that I started two weeks after my brother died, that you do whatever feels right at any given moment. That still holds true in some ways. Someone also says that you never 'get over it' (and I hate it when well-meaning people way things like 'one day you'll get over this') but you do eventually learn to live with it. It takes time though. Be gentle with yourself, and keep coming back if you need/want to. We'll be here!

MumfieReturns Tue 27-Sep-11 09:56:13

I'm having a better morning. I think posting here has released some of the pressure, I like talking online as I don't have to see people's reactions; I don't read people very well so I find it hard sometimes. I'm going to regroup for a bit and enjoy the peace, but I'll be back grin

Thanks again wine (I love the new smileys, I left just after the biscuit arrived but I think wine is better).

lookout Tue 27-Sep-11 22:45:05

Mumfie, good to hear your morning was better. Hope your peace lasts a while.

dejavuaswell Wed 05-Oct-11 08:06:29

October is a difficult time for several regular posters - Jane died 19 years ago, Jenny 4 years and Matt 2 years.

Dejavuaswell: sister Jane, birthday 26th October, died 24th October 1992

Hunkerbunker2: sister Diane, birthday 27th November, died 13th February 2001

Cyteen: brother Simon, birthday 9th July, died April 26th 2007

Caffeineaddict: sister Jenny, birthday 15th Jan. Died 14th October 2007

Evansmummy: brother Jonny, birthday 6th March, died 30th May 2008

MissM: brother Jim, birthday March 9th, died October 17th 2008

Binary (was Oneofapair): twin sister Caroline, birthday September 29th, died August 27th 2009

Shelleylou: brother Matt, birthday 28th June, died October 19th 2009.

lookout Wed 05-Oct-11 08:42:50

Thanks for the reminder deja.

I'll be thinking of you, caffeine, MissM and Shelleylou this month, even if I don't get to post on the exact dates.

As long as we live, they too shall live, for they are a part of us, as we remember them.

MiniSis Thu 06-Oct-11 19:14:34

Hi ladies, ?I hope today has been kind to you. I haven't managed to get more then a few minutes on line over the past week or so. I am inundated at work, which being a teacher means working evenings and I am still playing catch up from my time off at the start of term. Going back to work has been the best thing for me, but today is the first day I have felt rubbish, sad, low in the last 2 weeks. It's hit me again like a bolt sad

My mum isn't coping very well either, which is making me sad. Maybe guilt for not being sad? I am very very very sad.. I just don't have the time to show it. Does that make sense? She's just gone back to work after 7 weeks off and is finding the normality incredibly stressful. She even found out her job is on the line (local council redundancies) and she talked about jacking it in which is so unlike my mum, I am worried about her but live so far away can't do anything sad

I called Cruse and left a message 2 weeks ago. Thy never even bothered to get back to me which has royally pee'd me off!

We are fast approaching 2 months since my sister died and it is still as unvelievable as when I first found out.

I had such a shit day (disater flat tyre on the way to work) and just needed my sis to moan to on the phone sad

Caffeineaddict Tue 11-Oct-11 15:03:02

I've been away from this thread for a while, coping with the death of my father. I've caught up with some of the posts, and just want to send hugs and support to everyone here. Such sadness. Dejavua, thanks for posting - am facing 4th anniversary of my sister's death this week.

lookout Sat 15-Oct-11 12:01:31

caffeine, how are you feeling today? And how did yesterday go?

I'm sorry for not being around much, aand i'm afraid i won't be for a while. Baby Eliot was born last Sat and i'd forgotten how hard life with a newborn can be!

You all remain in my thoughts though, even if i'm not posting xx

Caffeineaddict Sun 16-Oct-11 16:18:40

Thanks lookout. Got through it. Just feel so sad and I miss her still so much.
Congratulations on Elliot - great to be posting about new life x

MiniSis Mon 17-Oct-11 15:20:00

Congratulations lookout

Another rubbish day here! The 2 month anniversary was on Saturday and I kept myself so busy with visitors/shopping/kids birthdays it hit me like a bolt at 4am this morning sad So I have had the day off with my son. But still feel rubbish sad

2 months on we still don't know how she died and it's ripping us all apart, but we are staying strong for eachother x

lookout Sun 30-Oct-11 17:32:06

minisis, so sorry you have been having a rough time. how are you feeling now? i'm pleased to hear your family are supporting each other. anniversaries are always hard, i always feel they make it all seem more real, while moving me further away from my brother.

caffeine, how are you doing?

my mum found a baby photo of my brother today. Eliot looks just like him. it breaks my heart that they will never meet.

MiniSis Tue 01-Nov-11 21:27:10

Hiya, ahh everything is rubbish for me! We celebrated DS's first birthday last week, but it felt so wrong without her there. But we have past that milestone and on to the next one.

We also had the coroners report back yesterday and her cause of death was (as suspected) heart failure. Until BIL goes through it with a GP we won't understand it all. But we do know she didn't suffer, her heart slowed to the point of passing out and eventually stopped. No-one could have saved her even if they were there, we were told. The heart was "broken" and their was no fixing it sad

dejavuaswell Thu 08-Dec-11 16:05:22

I don't visit Mumsnet or post to this thread as often as I used to. It seems as many of the regulars have, like me, drifted away. I wish I could say I was moving onwards and upwards but the truth is I feel crap. For many years I was in denial about Jane's death and, just like the experts say, eventually it all caught up with me. My siblings are quite shocked at how much I have agonised over what might have been. I'm shocked too.

dejavuaswell Mon 09-Jan-12 10:46:00

I guess there comes a time with all threads when they run out of steam: perhaps when everything that needs to be said has been said. I found posting here helped me battle through some very dark times and swapping experiences with the former regulars became part of my weekly routine.

Slowly but surely these people have drifted away leaving me with a sense of regret (I missed their support) but also with a sense of hope - perhaps they were moving on with their lives.

Goodbye - I love you all and I hope you have found the inner calm that still escapes me.

Dejavuaswell: sister Jane, birthday 26th October, died 24th October 1992

Hunkerbunker2: sister Diane, birthday 27th November, died 13th February 2001

Cyteen: brother Simon, birthday 9th July, died April 26th 2007

Caffeineaddict: sister Jenny, birthday 15th Jan. Died 14th October 2007

Evansmummy: brother Jonny, birthday 6th March, died 30th May 2008

MissM: brother Jim, birthday March 9th, died October 17th 2008

Binary (was Oneofapair): twin sister Caroline, birthday September 29th, died August 27th 2009

Shelleylou: brother Matt, birthday 28th June, died October 19th 2009.

Caffeineaddict Sat 14-Jan-12 19:44:28

Goodbye - If you're not returning. Am still here! Love to you and all those grieving x

lookout Sat 14-Jan-12 19:46:20

dejavu, I don't post on here much either anymore. And I certainly haven't found peace. I have just been diagnosed with PND and I think that the way I dealt (or didn't deal) with Jonny's death is all tied up in it.

Threads do run out of steam though, and I just don't know what else to say about something so horrible as the death of my darling littel brother. But if you still need to say things you must must must find a place that can support you. Be that a counsellor/friend/family member. I'm sorry this thread has fizzled away but am glad that it brought you some support. That's what I started it back in 2008.

I think of you all often, strangely. Even though we've never met, you have been my strongest help in my worst times. I love you all too.

Hunkerbunker2 Mon 16-Jan-12 10:39:50

I too am still around. My life is on hold at the moment because I am waiting for the divorce to go though and for my house to sell to help finance my move to South Africa. I think of my sister Diane a lot, as somebody here once said, it is like a piece of what makes you who you are has been snatched away. I drop in to Mumsnet about monthly but if this thread might restart I will contribute to it.

Binary Sun 11-Mar-12 14:36:02

Like Lookout I think of you all quite often. The people here helped me so much. I still think about my twin most weeks but that ghastly empty ache has gone. With love to all the regulars.

shelleylou Mon 26-Mar-12 20:55:29

Hi sorry i went AWOL for quite a while. RL caught up with me. I spoke to my parents about DS2 being named after my gorgeous ickle big bro as i called him. My parents weren't surprised and were happy for me to do so. DS2 arrived 4 weeks early at the begining of October and is now a bouncing 5 1/2 month old. His premature arrival gave me one less thing to worry about.. him being born on DB's remember day and i could have my customary JD and coke.
I miss Matty every day and im nearly 2 and a half years on. I still can playback my parents telling me what had happened, the images of him in the mortuary at the hospital and him in his coffin are etched into my mind. I dont think i will ever lose them. My eldest son still talks about him and they have the same eyes. All of my children will know of their uncle i wont let his memory die. I've made a massive step and phoned Roadpeace to volunteer for their befriender service, I want to give more back to a charity that helped me soo much. Thinking of you all

Binary Wed 20-Jun-12 15:02:45

Dejavuaswell: sister Jane, birthday 26th October, died 24th October 1992

Hunkerbunker2: sister Diane, birthday 27th November, died 13th February 2001

Cyteen: brother Simon, birthday 9th July, died April 26th 2007

Caffeineaddict: sister Jenny, birthday 15th Jan. Died 14th October 2007

Evansmummy: brother Jonny, birthday 6th March, died 30th May 2008

MissM: brother Jim, birthday March 9th, died October 17th 2008

Binary (was Oneofapair): twin sister Caroline, birthday September 29th, died August 27th 2009

Shelleylou: brother Matt, birthday 28th June, died October 19th 2009.

With love to the regulars XX

foofooyeah Sun 01-Jul-12 23:37:26

I would love to keep this thread going. I lost my sister Charlotte this year on 29th Jan.

You get through the initial pain and sadness and then later on it hits you again, and again. I am having to make some tough decisions at the moment and wish she was here to talk to me about them.
There is also a ton of funny things that I would have shared with her, daft things our Mum says/does, and my DP's hypochondria which would have us in hysterics (he once though he had a disease where your muscle turn to bone). I can remember how we both howled with laughter as there was never anything woring with him.

Some days just for a second you forget they have gone ...

Its awful to lose a sibling.

shelleylou Tue 03-Jul-12 10:07:17

Foofoo you are so right with the grief keep hitting you. You miss a sibling at such random times myds1 has his first sports day next week and I'd love my DB to bevthere.

Pudgy2011 Tue 03-Jul-12 11:02:53

I lost my darling younger brother to cancer on 14 June this year, so nearly 3 weeks ago. It would have been his 29th birthday on 1 July. It's his wife's birthday tomorrow. She will be 27. 27 years old and a widow, it just doesn't make any sense.
We are in a fog, all of us and the grief is palpable. I don't think any of it has sunk in, I've never felt so numb. I can only be grateful we are a very close family and we have my five year old niece and 9 month old son to keep us smiling. Threads like this keep me hopeful that moving on is possible (as I know it is). One day I know I will wake up and the first feeling won't be like a punch in the gut. Soon it will be a happy memory of him at his best instead of his last days.

foofooyeah Tue 03-Jul-12 12:53:41

shellylou - its when it gets you all of a suddend, or when you have time to think and dwell. I seem to cry in the car an awful lot.

Pudgy, I am so sorry to hear about your brother, so young and such a horrible disease. Your right you will be just ninb from the grief at the moment, it isso tough and stays so tough but fater a while you learn to cope with it - but in all honesty the pain is always there - you just get used to it.

caffeineaddict Wed 18-Jul-12 11:59:46

Hello
I am pleased to see this thread continuing - not that I take any comfort in all your pain. Its been almost five years since I lost my sister to cancer. The pain isn't as acute - but I still think about her every day. Just wanted to send hugs and warmth to you all. But its grim. x

Binary Sat 21-Jul-12 18:28:17

Dejavuaswell: sister Jane, birthday 26th October, died 24th October 1992

Hunkerbunker2: sister Diane, birthday 27th November, died 13th February 2001

Cyteen: brother Simon, birthday 9th July, died April 26th 2007

Caffeineaddict: sister Jenny, birthday 15th Jan. Died 14th October 2007

Evansmummy: brother Jonny, birthday 6th March, died 30th May 2008

MissM: brother Jim, birthday March 9th, died October 17th 2008

Binary (was Oneofapair): twin sister Caroline, birthday September 29th, died August 27th 2009

Shelleylou: brother Matt, birthday 28th June, died October 19th 2009.

Foofooyeah: sister Charlotte, died January 29th 2012.

Pudgy2011: brother ?, died June 14th 2012.

With love to the regulars XX

Pudgy2011 Wed 01-Aug-12 20:03:46

My brother was Spencer. My hero. Died 14 June 2012, birthday 1 July x

Binary Sun 12-Aug-12 09:03:57

Dejavuaswell: sister Jane, birthday 26th October, died 24th October 1992

Hunkerbunker2: sister Diane, birthday 27th November, died 13th February 2001

Cyteen: brother Simon, birthday 9th July, died April 26th 2007

Caffeineaddict: sister Jenny, birthday 15th Jan. Died 14th October 2007

Evansmummy: brother Jonny, birthday 6th March, died 30th May 2008

MissM: brother Jim, birthday March 9th, died October 17th 2008

Binary (was Oneofapair): twin sister Caroline, birthday September 29th, died August 27th 2009

Shelleylou: brother Matt, birthday 28th June, died October 19th 2009.

Foofooyeah: sister Charlotte, died January 29th 2012.

Pudgy2011: brother Spencer, birthday 1st July, died June 14th 2012.

My Caroline was a great fan of televised sport and she would have enjoyed the last two weeks. It will soon be three years since she died. May she rest in peace.

With love to the regulars XX

lookout Mon 10-Sep-12 14:40:09

I'm sorry, I had no idea this thread was still trotting along. It is good to see it is still helping people, four years after it's original conception smile

Hello to the newcomers, and as ever, so so sorry you have to be here sad. Losing a sibling is dreadful, and this thread has been a help to many over the years. I'm sorry it's slowed down so much, but I will try and keep popping in now the baby is a bit bigger and I have more free time on my hands!

Hello to the regulars too, and as ever, even if I'm not posting, I think of you often. You're the only people who have heard the darkest of me and I thank you for it.

I can't believe that I am still actively grieving. I would have thought that after more than 4 years, I would be coming to some sort of 'acceeptance', but it just isn't there. I still cannot believe that I will never see my brother again.

Walking through the village where I live today, watching the cars drive through at 30mph, thinking actually if you had that bearing down on you, even at 'only' 30, it is still fast and f*ing scary. There would be a moment of 'what the f*ck' before it hit you. Did he try and move? Did he jump? Did he have no chance? Did he feel it all? Did he have any control over his body? I will never know and I am still finding it hard to live without the answers.

Binary Fri 28-Sep-12 15:59:50

It’s my birthday tomorrow. It would have Caroline's too had cancer not stolen her away from me at age 32. It is over three years since she died but on these special days I remember her. Sometimes I forget she has gone and then I talk about her in the present tense. I will always be a twin and she will always be my other half, no less real than she was before.

lookout Fri 28-Sep-12 20:35:22

Binary thinking of you and Caroline. Such a young age. She should still be here and that's felt in your talking about her as if she still was. A friend told me after Jonny died that he truly believed that they are kept alive in our hearts through our memories. It might sound cliched, but for me it's a way of keeping him here. No less real xx

foofooyeah Fri 12-Oct-12 00:33:26

Hi there, just came on here as feeling lonely and missing my sister. Binary, your sister was so young. Must have been extra hard as she was your twin. My sister would have so loved the olympics.

My sister was 51 but never looked (or acted!) it. Its just too young. I am bereft without her. It ones of her sons birthdays tomorrow - its going to be tough.

lookout Fri 12-Oct-12 19:01:20

Hi foofoo. I feel lonely too. There comes a moment when there aren't many people who will/can listen to you anymore. I've lost and been disappointed by people I called friends. I'm four years on from my brother's death and I miss him more and more every day. Will you be with your nephew tomorrow? All those milestones are awful enough for us as adults, but for kids or even teens, I can't imagine how sad it must be. I'll be thinking of you and him tomorrow.

foofooyeah Mon 15-Oct-12 06:06:29

Yes, saw my hephew and one of his sisters and one of my sisters. It was fun and we laughed and talked about my late sister, but she was just such a whirlwind of a person that theres always a 'gap' at family get togethers.

Sobbed my way through Downton last night as it bought back some sad memories.

lookout Sun 21-Oct-12 21:43:08

There always will be a gap. Maybe one day it won't be such a painful one, but she was so loved and valuedit's only natural you'd miss her presence. I hope you continue to talk about her, it helps keep them alive smile

foofooyeah Tue 23-Oct-12 13:34:50

Lookout: I was just re-reading one of your posts. Those awful thoughts about what happened when you borther died must be very hard. I think I would just have to convince myself that he knew nothihg about it - its the only way I could cope.

My partner lost his sister about twelve years ago before I knew him. I am shocked about how little she is talked about - but then again his family is weird - obviously I never knew her but when he is with his Mum they dont often talk about her. It saddens me that that might happen with my sister.

lookout Tue 23-Oct-12 18:14:46

foofoo I do try and do the same thing - convince myself that he had no idea. I hate the fact that he might have been scared (he'd been attacked the previous year and it had made him pretty jumpy, and the first people to arrive on the scene saw some people getting into a car right next to my brother and driving off at speed) and that's what made him run into the road. I just hate all the unanswered questions.

I had some counselling earlier this year from a lady whose eldest son was killed in a train crash over 20 years ago. When asked how many children she has, she sometimes pretends he was never born because it makes it easier for the person she's talking to sad. While I can't every see myself going to that extreme, we don't talk about my brother as much as we did at the start. For my part, I find it harder to talk about him as time goes on, it hurts too much.

It might not happen to you though. I think all families deal with grief differently, and while we were very supportive of each other in a collective sort of way to begin with, we are now fairly isolated in how we deal with his death. It's sad, but that's how it's evolved. Only four years though, so who know how it will develop in the future. As long as it feels natural I guess you carry on talking, but forcing it doesn't feel good either.

BlaiddDrwg Thu 25-Oct-12 09:21:15

My brother would have been 40 today. He died from a heart attack on the 2nd June. There were no warning signs (that he told us about) so it was totally unexpected, he died at the side of the road.

It was exactly 13 months after my dad died from cancer.

lookout Fri 26-Oct-12 19:39:33

BlaiddDrwg So sorry about your brother sad. an unexpected and sudden death is always difficult to come to terms with. And what a lot of death you have had to deal with in such a short time.

Thanks for finding us, and as we always say, I'm sorry you need to. Although the thread is much much slower than it used to be, some of us are still around and happy to 'listen' if you'd like to 'talk'. Were you very close to your brother? Do you have other siblings?

Don't feel obliged, but by the same token, feel free if you need/want to smile. It can help to go through it with others who've experienced the death of a sibling. And we sadly all have.

Binary Fri 02-Nov-12 15:39:18

If I'm ever asked if I have any brothers and sisters I always say that I had a twin sister who died a few years ago. I could never pretend that Caroline had never existed: even to spare somebody elses feelings!

Lookout is right, this thread is less busy than it used to be but I for one think about the former regular posters quite often and wonder how they are all getting on.

sliceofcakenowplease Sat 03-Nov-12 15:19:50

I lost my twin, Josh, when we were both 17, so in 1994. He died during a housefire, where his best friend also died, both from smoke inhalation. I should have been there too, but I had decided to go out and party with my friends. Now I have twins, boy and a girl, like us to, and I named DS after him, it felt like I had to. I have a sister and a brother apart from him, both older, and they pretend he doesn't exist, or at least they avoid thinking about him. I know it's such a long time ago, but he still matters.

lookout Mon 05-Nov-12 19:24:58

sliceofcake i guess everyone deals with their grief differently, but it must be hard for you to not have Josh mentioned. Do they talk if he is mentioned, or change the subject? After so much time maybe grief does become a more private thing, like the lady I mentioned above. In her defense she did say that every time she pretends she only has two children, she says a quiet sorry in her heart to her son. Not sure I could do the same as her, but I understand where she's coming from. The amount of bizarre and ridiculous things people have said, on top of those who don't know what to say, makes it understandable. You and I are the same age, btw smile

sliceofcakenowplease Mon 05-Nov-12 20:42:26

They change the subject by going 'oh yes, Josh... Yesterday I was doing...' Sometimes they go 'Josh- our brother' and change quickly. Not even a 'was', so no one has a clue he's dead. I completely understand with people outside the family, but when it's just maybe me and my sister or brother talking, then it feels like they're trying to forget. I know everyone grieves differently, it's just their way is very hard to understand.

lookout Thu 08-Nov-12 12:44:07

I am totally with you. My other brother and I don't talk about Jon that much, but I can't imagine we'd skirt around it if we did. I don't think we don't talk about him because we're trying to forget, more because we don't want to get sad, at least that's what it is for me. But of course he still matters, even though we might not talk about him. I think about him, how much I miss him and love him every day. Do your parents talk about Josh?

sliceofcakenowplease Thu 08-Nov-12 17:52:56

I'm not really in contact with DF as he had an affair with another woman and left DM, she nearly committed suicide. I don't think he mentions his family- not even Josh.

DM speaks of him occasionally, but is similar to DB and DSis, not really mentioning him much. I'll try and keep what yoy said about how not mentioning Jon means you don't get as sad- and try to be more understanding about how they grieve. They don't actively shut me up if I talk about him, so they must have been pretty understanding about my way. Thanks.

lookout Sat 08-Dec-12 16:54:30

Wow sliceofcake that's a lot of stuff you've had to deal with sad. I guess with time it fades for some people, but for you as a twin, it must still feel as if a part of you is missing, right?

I'm sending lots of love for all of you, I know Christmas can be difficult, certainly is here. Thinking of you all xx

Binary Sun 09-Dec-12 17:16:39

Caroline was my twin. When she died part of me died as well and nothing - not even getting married or becoming a Dad - will ever put things back to the way they were before. sad

Binary Fri 21-Dec-12 14:10:35

I'm sorry, that last post didn't come out as I meant it to.

What I meant was that I don't think you completely get over the loss of a twin. Even the exciting and wonderful things that might happen later in your life never totally erase the sense of "part of me is missing".

foofooyeah Mon 07-Jan-13 11:42:18

I think losing a twin must be even tougher as you were always the same age and so probably doing the same things at the same time more - if that makes sense

A new year and the first one I will have without my sister.

We finally picked her ashes up from the undertaker last week. It was desperately sad. My Mum just hugged them and cried and cried. How can you have a daughter, go through all the highs and lows of 50 years with her, and at the end have a box full of ashes? - it really is devastating. I miss her like mad but it must be harder for my Mum. (My Dad died 5 years ago).

Pudgy2011 Tue 15-Jan-13 17:16:06

Foofoo I said the same thing as the clock struck midnight on 31 December. A new year and the first year without my brother (he lost his battle with cancer in June 2012, he was 28.) - my sister and I found new year harder than Christmas, probably ecause it's supposed to be a new start but it feels so empty. He died 7 months ago yesterday.

My parents are flying out from London to see me and are arriving in a couple of hours (I live in Caribbean) - they are bringing some of my brother's ashes with them. He specified that he wanted some of his ashes scattered in Shetland where he proposed to his wife, and some in Cayman where DH and I got married. So we will scatter him at the beach as he wanted.

My DSIL has also put together a package of some of his things for me. A few t-shirts, some guitar plectrums, some CDs. Things that belonged to him. I know tonight will be so hard. We all function so well and positively on a day to day basis, laughing over skype and stuff, but deep down we never stop thinking of him. I don't pretend to even comprehend how my parents feel. To lose a beloved sibling is one thing, to lose a child, no matter what age, must be like losing your soul.

There is some comfort in knowing that there are other people out there going through the same thing. We all understand the pain of sibling loss.

foofooyeah Sun 03-Feb-13 17:40:00

Hi Pudgy, just popped onto the thread and saw your update. Where do you live in the caribbean? DP has a lot of family in the caribbean -his Dad was form there. I understand every word you types.

Met up with family last weekend for the first anniversary of Charlottes death - we laughed and had a god time, but we all miss her so. She would have loved thw day.

Sparklyblue Thu 28-Feb-13 01:54:16

I lost my brother on the 15th of Jan this year, his name is David and he was 27 years old. God, I miss him so much.

Binary Sun 03-Mar-13 15:05:14

Dejavuaswell: sister Jane, birthday 26th October, died 24th October 1992

Hunkerbunker2: sister Diane, birthday 27th November, died 13th February 2001

Cyteen: brother Simon, birthday 9th July, died April 26th 2007

Caffeineaddict: sister Jenny, birthday 15th Jan. Died 14th October 2007

Evansmummy: brother Jonny, birthday 6th March, died 30th May 2008

MissM: brother Jim, birthday March 9th, died October 17th 2008

Binary (was Oneofapair): my twin sister Caroline, birthday September 29th, died August 27th 2009

Shelleylou: brother Matt, birthday 28th June, died October 19th 2009.

Foofooyeah: sister Charlotte, died January 29th 2012.

Pudgy2011: brother Spencer, birthday 1st July, died June 14th 2012.

Sparklyblue: brother David, birthday?, died January 15th 2013

Don't worry Caroline, I will always think of you of my twin just as important to me as you always were. Rest in peace with our parents.

There are a couple of missing dates in this list. They will be added once I have them - Foofooyeah and Sparklyblue?

With love to the regulars XX

Sparklyblue Thu 07-Mar-13 22:07:52

Sorry, my brother David's birthday is 29th May x

lookout Sat 16-Mar-13 22:34:53

Still here and thinking of you all from time to time. Just had Jonny's birthday, doesn't get easier, just different. I still cry every day - is that normal?

Binary Sun 17-Mar-13 19:17:00

Lookout, I think that crying everyday wouldn't be what you Jonny would want you to be doing. I still think about Caroline often, she will always be my much loved twin, but the pain has lessened. I'm so sorry that you haven't been so lucky.

Binary Sun 17-Mar-13 19:20:46

Dejavuaswell: sister Jane, birthday 26th October, died 24th October 1992

Hunkerbunker2: sister Diane, birthday 27th November, died 13th February 2001

Cyteen: brother Simon, birthday 9th July, died April 26th 2007

Caffeineaddict: sister Jenny, birthday 15th Jan. Died 14th October 2007

Evansmummy: brother Jonny, birthday 6th March, died 30th May 2008

MissM: brother Jim, birthday March 9th, died October 17th 2008

Binary (was Oneofapair): my twin sister Caroline, birthday September 29th, died August 27th 2009

Shelleylou: brother Matt, birthday 28th June, died October 19th 2009.

Foofooyeah: sister Charlotte, died January 29th 2012.

Pudgy2011: brother Spencer, birthday 1st July, died June 14th 2012.

Sparklyblue: brother David, birthday May 29th, died January 15th 2013

There is 1 missing date in this list. Fofooyeah?

With love to the regulars XX

lookout Sun 17-Mar-13 21:23:59

Binary I know he wouldn't. For some reason though, that doesn't seem to help. He's not here, he doesn't know what it's like. I have so many questions and things I want to say to him and show him and do with him. And I miss him achingly.

serendipity16 Mon 18-Mar-13 17:15:33

I lost my brother on the 7th of December 2012, his birthday is May 22nd and his name is David.

I miss my brother so much.
I've had to do so much as my mum wouldn't deal with anything at all.
My brother was murdered so ive had to deal with the police (still ongoing), coroners, his ex, arranging the whole funeral and dealing with informing lots of people and organisations. Its been tough.
We only just had his funeral at the end of February.

One of the songs i picked for his funeral was westlife i'll see you again. The words are so fitting.... i miss him like crazy.
It's only just really hit me now and i am struggling.
We texted, called or saw each other daily..... my heart is so broken.

lookout Mon 18-Mar-13 18:35:16

serendipity I'm so sorry about your brother. To lose a sibling is awful in any circumstances. The shock of a sudden death has it's own unique pain. And having to deal with all the details and preparations of his death and funeral all by yourself must have been, and continue to be I'm sure, incredibly difficult. As if you needed that!

I don't know about you, but I found that once the funeral was over things becamse tougher. When you have things to attend to, you are somehow buyoed along on them, and they hold you up a bit. When they are gone there feels like an expanse of time that you don't know what to do with.

Of course you are struggling, you have a lost a part of you, of your childhood and life. The most helpful piece of advice I was given is take it one step at a time. Do whatever you need to do to get through that step, then go on to the next one.

Be kind to yourself. We are here to listen if you want to tell us about David.

Binary Thu 18-Apr-13 15:49:58

Dejavuaswell: sister Jane, birthday 26th October, died 24th October 1992

Hunkerbunker2: sister Diane, birthday 27th November, died 13th February 2001

Cyteen: brother Simon, birthday 9th July, died 26th April 2007

Caffeineaddict: sister Jenny, birthday 15th Jan. Died 14th October 2007

Evansmummy: brother Jonny, birthday 6th March, died 30th May 2008

MissM: brother Jim, birthday 9th March, died 17th October 2008

Binary (was Oneofapair): my twin sister Caroline, birthday 29th September, died 27th August 2009

Shelleylou: brother Matt, birthday 28th June, died 19th October 2009.

Foofooyeah: sister Charlotte, died 29th January 2012.

Pudgy2011: brother Spencer, birthday 1st July, died 14th June 2012.

Serendipity16: brother David, birthday 22nd May, died 7th December 2012

Sparklyblue: brother David, birthday 29th May, died 15th January 2013

There is 1 missing date in this list. Fofooyeah?

With love to the regulars XX

caffeineaddict Sun 05-May-13 15:05:45

Just wanted to send support to those still posting here, particularly Serendity. I appreciate that the thread is still going. 5 years on since the death of my sister and I still struggle. x

lookout Thu 30-May-13 20:04:43

caffeine! Still going, but very slowly. I am still struggling along too (much like the thread grin). My heart goes out to you xx

Five years ago my youngest brother Jonny died from injuries sustained in a hit and run. He was 24. Today I was brave until the kids went to bed and now I can't stop crying. I will never stop missing him.

Binary Mon 01-Jul-13 15:50:46

I've tended to avoid sharing too many of my feelings about the death of my twin with the rest of the world. Even on Mumsnet I have felt uneasy about sharing my sadness. It is coming up to 4 years now since Caroline died and I still miss her so much. This week end I was out with my family having a good time when, with no warning, an enormous wave of emotion just seem to overwhelm me. What caused this? It was some total stranger shouting the name Caroline across the car park. Cruelly and almost unbelievably I still get post addressed to her. Last Saturday it was from the man who used to come once a year to sharpen the blades of her lawnmower. In April it was a slightly grumpy letter from a former school friend who "hadn't heard from you in ages" . Sometimes it is really hard to cope. sad

With love to the regulars. XX

caffeineaddict Sat 06-Jul-13 14:59:45

Thanks for kind words lookout.
Binary - thats dreadful, but do understand about waves of emotion. A man at the bottom of my street was on top of ladder precariously repairing upstairs window. He saw me passing and shouted. ' How's yer sister, haven't seen her around'. Couldn't tell him that she was dead as was worried about dreadful accident - on the other hand couldn't say that she was fine (RIP!) Somehow saw the funny side of it though. But horrible to receive post etc. x

foofooyeah Mon 08-Jul-13 07:48:38

Hello everyone, haven't been on here for a while but had a really hard weekend. My sister Charlotte has been on my mind constantly - she loved the sunny weather and normally we would have been sat in the garden with her, with a paddling pool and wine laughing and larking about ... and Sunday would have been a blast with the tennis. I don't know about any of you but nobody else can understand the loss one feels - even the rest of my family - I just miss her dreadfully. Couldn't get to sleep last night for crying. Everyone expects you to be 'over it'

foofooyeah Mon 08-Jul-13 07:49:49

by the way Binary my sisters birthday was 14th November

Sparklyblue Wed 17-Jul-13 22:17:12

I'm still finding it really hard. It's been six months now and it's not getting any better.

Binary Sun 21-Jul-13 11:04:28

Dejavuaswell: sister Jane, birthday 26th October, died 24th October 1992

Hunkerbunker2: sister Diane, birthday 27th November, died 13th February 2001

Cyteen: brother Simon, birthday 9th July, died 26th April 2007

Caffeineaddict: sister Jenny, birthday 15th Jan. Died 14th October 2007

Evansmummy: brother Jonny, birthday 6th March, died 30th May 2008

MissM: brother Jim, birthday 9th March, died 17th October 2008

Binary (was Oneofapair): my twin sister Caroline, birthday 29th September, died 27th August 2009

Shelleylou: brother Matt, birthday 28th June, died 19th October 2009.

Foofooyeah: sister Charlotte, birthday 14th November, died 29th January 2012.

Pudgy2011: brother Spencer, birthday 1st July, died 14th June 2012.

Serendipity16: brother David, birthday 22nd May, died 7th December 2012

Sparklyblue: brother David, birthday 29th May, died 15th January 2013

With love to the regulars XX

lookout Wed 13-Nov-13 19:54:19

I thought of this thread today and wanted to come on and say hello. I was tidying the shoe rack and came across the shoes Jonny was wearing at the time of the accident. We didn't get them back until a long time afterwards as they were in police evidence, and then there they were today. I couldn't help but hold them and cry.

Most of the time life moves along nicely, but sometimes I get an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss just wash over me. If ds2 hadn't have been here I'd have collapsed in a puddle for a while.

If any of you are still reading, I'm wishing you strength and peace for Christmas, it can be a really hard time of year xx

popmusic84 Mon 18-Nov-13 02:45:48

Hi my sister died in 2010. We really weren't that close as she was so much older than me. However, I still feel so sad. I have lost my parents and a sibling and I feel so alone. My marriage is falling alart. So sorry to all suffering.

lookout Sat 30-Nov-13 09:12:59

popmusic84 even if you weren't close, you still suffer the effects of loss. Grief can catch up with us at the funniest of times, but being the only person left of your family must be understandably hard. Are you able to talk about it with anyone in RL? Are you marriage problems related to your grief or a separate issue, do you think? If you want to keep posting, please do. I will listen smile

Juneywoony Sat 30-Nov-13 15:48:35

Hi I hope you don't mind me joining you all.

My dear sister Helen tragically took her own life on 27/10/2013 four days before her 28th birthday.

I miss her so much.

Juney, x

lookout Sun 01-Dec-13 19:31:38

Juney, so sad sad. Was Helen your younger sister, were you close? I can completely understand your missing her, it is like losing a part of ourselves. Things are so raw for you right now, and in such tragic circumstances, I can only imagine your sadness. If you want to tell us about Helen, please do. Sending you strength for the days ahead, one at a time.

Juneywoony Mon 02-Dec-13 06:18:15

Thanks lookout,

Helen was the youngest, I'm 36 and our brother is 30.

I was 8 and a half when she was born and loved mothering her, changing nappies etc. She was such a lovely baby and child.

As we got older the age difference seemed to get smaller and from her mid teens she would come out with me and we really got on, had the same sense of humour, swapped clothes and did the usual sister thing.
At the same time we would have our arguments and squabbles as siblings do, I think it was because our characters were just so similar.

Five and a half years ago her ex boyfriend of 6 years took his own life, they were the sort of couple who split up and got back together quite often. She blamed herself for his death and it just changed her as a person.

She tried to get on with life after a time and started a nursing degree, she eventually found another boyfriend who was such a lovely lad but it just didn't work out. She used to say to me that it just wasn't the same, she couldn't feel the same way about somebody else as she had with her first boyfriend. She had to quit her degree just as she had nearly completed her second year as the depression had taken over. Two years ago she moved to live near me and my family for a fresh start, she struggled terribly and the mental health services were involved. In July this year she moved back to our mums as she just couldn't cope. She had the crisis team visiting her daily for two months on suicide watch, why she wasn't put in hospital is beyond us all.

Sadly in the early hours of the 27th of October she had decided enough was enough, our poor brother found her at 7.30 am.

I don't feel any anger or blame towards her for doing this, the poor girl was ill and desperate, I do however feel immense anger towards the crisis team and the system for failing her and not providing her with adequate care she so desperately needed.

Rest in peace Helen 31/10/85 - 27/10/13

I miss you so much, xxxxx

lookout Wed 04-Dec-13 13:14:23

I can identify with the younger sibling thing, my brother was 7 years younger than me, and I got on much better with him than with my closer-aged brother.

I don't have any experience with suicide, but do with grief, sadly. Are you able to access any appropriate counselling? I found it really helped me. It sounds like there is anger to deal with as well, understandably aimed at the mental health support system (or lack thereof). Talking about it can help so much. Can you talk about Helen with family/RL friends? If not, please do feel free to post. We've all unfortunately been through horrible losses and will be able to identify with some of how you feel.

Helen sounds lovely, so special to you, and that she was brave for a good long time. She must have felt desperate, and how hard for you to know she was sad, we hate to see the people we love suffer. How did you find her funeral? Was it helpful in any way?

Still such early days, the best advice I was given after my brother died was by someone on MN in fact, take it one hour at a time. You do whatever you need to do to get through that hour. Try not to look too far ahead. And keep talking, here, in RL, anywhere! We will certainly do our best to listen

lookout Wed 04-Dec-13 13:18:40

Dejavuaswell: sister Jane, birthday 26th October, died 24th October 1992

Hunkerbunker2: sister Diane, birthday 27th November, died 13th February 2001

Cyteen: brother Simon, birthday 9th July, died 26th April 2007

Caffeineaddict: sister Jenny, birthday 15th Jan. Died 14th October 2007

Lookout: brother Jonny, birthday 6th March, died 30th May 2008

MissM: brother Jim, birthday 9th March, died 17th October 2008

Binary (was Oneofapair): my twin sister Caroline, birthday 29th September, died 27th August 2009

Shelleylou: brother Matt, birthday 28th June, died 19th October 2009.

Foofooyeah: sister Charlotte, birthday 14th November, died 29th January 2012.

Pudgy2011: brother Spencer, birthday 1st July, died 14th June 2012.

Serendipity16: brother David, birthday 22nd May, died 7th December 2012

Sparklyblue: brother David, birthday 29th May, died 15th January 2013

Junewoony: sister Helen, birthday 31st October, died 27th October 2013

lookout Sat 04-Jan-14 20:05:59

Juney how are you getting on? How was your Christmas? Any luck on the counselling front?

I sometimes have moments when I think of all of you who have accompanied me over the years, and then I come and post. Another year begins without our siblings, and I actually found the turning of the new year harder than Christmas this year. I felt terribly guilty, because apart from a thought on Christmas morning, I was so wrapped up in my children's joy, cooking and drinking that I forgot to think about my brother much on Christmas day sad. I made up for it on NYE though. He would be 30 this year in March. He could be married by now. I am disgusted by the waste.

We also had a visit from a friend of his, before Christmas. It was lovely to know people are still thinking of him and miss him, but the things she said were very painful to hear. So may wonderful and personal memories, it just accentuates the bloody loss.

Thinking of you all xx

PuddingandPie1 Tue 27-May-14 18:29:15

By brother died of asthma 50 years today - there isn't anybody around who remembers Stephen apart from me so I thought the big wide world of Mumsnet was the place to put a message.

PuddingandPie1 Tue 27-May-14 18:31:40

PuddingandPie1: twin brother Stephen, birthday October 23rd, died 27th May 1964

Dejavuaswell: sister Jane, birthday 26th October, died 24th October 1992

Hunkerbunker2: sister Diane, birthday 27th November, died 13th February 2001

Cyteen: brother Simon, birthday 9th July, died 26th April 2007

Caffeineaddict: sister Jenny, birthday 15th Jan. Died 14th October 2007

Lookout: brother Jonny, birthday 6th March, died 30th May 2008

MissM: brother Jim, birthday 9th March, died 17th October 2008

Binary (was Oneofapair): my twin sister Caroline, birthday 29th September, died 27th August 2009

Shelleylou: brother Matt, birthday 28th June, died 19th October 2009.

Foofooyeah: sister Charlotte, birthday 14th November, died 29th January 2012.

Pudgy2011: brother Spencer, birthday 1st July, died 14th June 2012.

Serendipity16: brother David, birthday 22nd May, died 7th December 2012

Sparklyblue: brother David, birthday 29th May, died 15th January 2013

Junewoony: sister Helen, birthday 31st October, died 27th October 2013

lookout Fri 15-Aug-14 22:44:38

Pudding a bit late, but xxx

Still think of you all. No idea why tonight more than any other, but thought I would just pop in and wave. Hope you are all still being kind to yourselves as your siblings live on in your hearts.

We miss them everyday...

PuddingandPie1 Sat 16-Aug-14 17:37:24

Hello Lookout - I'm pleased that somebody has posted. It has been something of a saga getting Stephen's memorial bench sorted out and now it will not be in place until school returns in September. Ditto getting him a more informative gravestone in the church opposite "his" primary school. Church folk seem to move in ultra slow motion regardless of the upset it causes the bereaved.

PuddingandPie1 Tue 30-Sep-14 16:14:01

I've waited and waited and waited for everything to be sorted out before posting here. On Friday the memorial bench was installed and on Monday the new gravestone was erected and that part of my life finally has a full stop after it. It took, near enough, four months from first to last.

PuddingandPie1 Tue 30-Sep-14 16:18:02

I've just noticed that no fewer than 5 posters (out of 14) posters had a sibling who died in October. So spare a thought on October 14th,17th, 19th, 24th and 27th for Jenny, Jim, Matt, Jane and Helen.

foofooyeah Fri 10-Oct-14 06:08:10

pudding I am so pleased to hear you finally have the bench and headstone sorted for Stephen.

Does anyone else suffer from guilt and think if they had done more been there more, their sibling might still be around? I miss Charlotte dreadfully, I sometimes think if she hadn't moved so far away or if I had taken control of her treatment she might still be here.
I was looking at old photos last night: we were always larking about. I miss those times and our ridiculousness, I just miss everything.

lookout Sun 26-Oct-14 19:16:43

foofooyeah yes, I feel guilty often. For many and different reasons. I wish I had called him more often, especially after he as mugged in Leeds. I might have persuaded him to come back home. Amongst other things. We did silly simple stuff too. He was the best at making something ordinary into something extraordinary. I remember an afternoon spent reading the map book of the British Isles and outdoing each other with the silly place names we could find. Or the most ridiculous piss-taking dance moves he would make up for his girlfriend. I miss that kind of thing.

lookout Sun 26-Oct-14 19:21:51

Pudding sooo pleased for you that Stephen's bench has finally been sorted. Must be a weight off your mind, and good to have that done. It is good to get those milestones done. Very frustrating that it took so long to sort out, but at last it finally is.

October = lots of hugs being sent out for bereaved siblings xx

PuddingandPie1 Sun 09-Nov-14 16:43:35

With my Mother and Father both dead, together with my twin, I sometimes feel quite lonely even though I am happily married with children of my own! I think it because there is nobody around who can chat with me about my childhood.

Yes Lookout I was pleased that I got Stephen's memorial bench and gravestone sorted out. I think I should have done it a while ago but when I was working other things tended to fill my mind. Retirement gave me thinking time.

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