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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

how long after you lose a dh/dw did you wear your wedding ring? I still feel very much married

45 replies

snowkitten · 02/08/2010 11:11

lost dh on April 2nd this year . Someone recently commented that I am still wearing my wedding and engagement ring. I don't find this odd as I still feel married. Is it odd?

OP posts:

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Poledra · 02/08/2010 11:14

My uncle died 11 years ago. My aunt still wears her rings - she still loves him and he is still her husband as far as she is concerned.

Do whatever is right for you. I'm sorry for your loss.

compo · 02/08/2010 11:16

How rude of someone to comment

do what feels right for you

sorry for your loss

twolittlemonkeys · 02/08/2010 11:16

I'm so sorry. I wouldn't think it odd at all. I'm sure I'd be doing the same in your shoes. As Poledra says, do what feels right to you.

throckenholt · 02/08/2010 11:16

As long as feels right to you - there is no right or wrong.

It is odd that anyone would comment - you have as much right to wear them as anyone else.

Be kind to yourself - it is still very early days.

CallyJade · 02/08/2010 11:17

Second that, you really need do what is right for you. It is not odd to carry on wearing your rings.

for you.

PenguinsMummy · 02/08/2010 11:20

So sorry for your loss.

It's your choice and no one elses as to whether you wear your rings for the rest of your life or you remove them when you are ready. Do what is right for you.

My granny wore her wedding ring until she died which was 22 years after my granda died.

ben5 · 02/08/2010 11:27

sorry for your loss. think i'ld always wear our rings. when and if i ever remarried i think i would wear them still but on the other hand.
it's not like you asked to lose your husband.

Mingg · 02/08/2010 11:27

Very sorry for your loss.

After my father died my mother gave her rings (identical wedding and engagement rings) to me and my sister. She made my dad's wedding ring smaller to fit her and wore it until she passed away.

Eglu · 02/08/2010 11:29

So sorry for your loss. I think it is perfectly normal to continue wearing your wedding ring. I don't see why you would stop tbh.

Meow75 · 02/08/2010 11:31

Agree with everyone else. Why would you stop?! You still love the man, the fact that he is sadly no longer physically by your side is totally irrelevant.

Sorry for your loss too.

Jetbaby · 02/08/2010 11:39

So sorry for your loss. Your husband died only 4 months ago & someone thinks it's odd that you're still wearing your rings?

When my DH died, both DH & myself were not wearing our rings because they didn't fit anymore (we were too fat ). But the minute he died, I wore his wedding ring which fitted beautifully. When I met someone else, I changed the ring over to my right hand, but still wore it.

Would've thought it more odd if you'd taken them off tbh.

exexpat · 02/08/2010 11:47

I know people who've been widowed 20 years or more who still wear their rings - definitely not odd.

I wore mine for two or three years after DH died, then my ring was getting a bit tight (comfort eating after he died plus family tendency to arthritis already making my finger joints bigger) so I took the ring to be resized. But when it came back it felt all wrong - all the little dents and scratches had been smoothed out, so it didn't feel 'mine' any more. Now I rarely wear it, but still keep it safe.

There is no right or wrong or any rule about this - just whatever feels right to you. And people are very rude to comment - no one has said anything to me, not even my in-laws.

Beattiebow · 02/08/2010 11:49

my mil who lost her dh quite young still wears her rings (hers and fils) - now she wears them on the right hand as she has re-married. Nothing odd about continuing to wear them imo.

aristocat · 02/08/2010 11:51

so sorry that someone was so rude to you. i agree that it is perfectly normal to wear your ring/s all of the time.

sorry for your loss.

GooseyLoosey · 02/08/2010 11:53

My grandmother (who died a year ago) wore her wedding ring until the day she died even though her husband had died 45 years previously. As far as she was concerned he was and always would be her husband and that was that. I never found this anything other than entirely reasonable and normal and she never encountered anyone who found it odd.

piratecat · 02/08/2010 11:57

how rude and tactless, who said this to you?

anyway, I'd say the same, you wear them as long as you want to.

StormyWeather · 02/08/2010 12:08

So sorry for your loss.

Yes of course continue to wear your rings. He's still your husband.

EmmaKateWH · 02/08/2010 12:35

I am very sorry for your loss. Like others, I know people who still wear their wedding rings 20 years after being widowed. A friend of mine lost her husband in a car crash very suddenly about 6 years ago. She wore her rings for at least 5 years. She has since met a new partner (I don't mention that to be insensitive as I am sure you don't feel even nearly ready for that having only lost your husband 4 months ago), and she has now taken the wedding rings off her left hand, but still wears them on the right hand. You are a widow, which I am sure feels very different to being single - and you should wear your wedding rings as long as you like! Anyone who passes comments is insensitive and rude.

itsatiggerday · 02/08/2010 12:45

So sorry for your loss, and the insensitivity of the comment. I wonder if they confused the response to being widowed and divorced? Possibly in the latter it might be more common for people to remove rings, esp if mutual, but my experience of bereaved spouses is that they continue to wear the rings indefinitely. As some have said above, if you ever do remarry, you may switch hands, but your DH will always have been your husband until death parted you and the rings are a physical reminder of that.

wukter · 02/08/2010 12:51

Sorry for your loss Snowkitten.
That comment was incredibly tactless. As others say it's a very personal thing and no one has the right to comment.

My mother wore her rings for years after she was widowed. She got Dad's ring remodelled into a little gold pendant that she wears almost all the time now. It's a nice idea.

ArsMamatoria · 02/08/2010 19:03

Snowkitten, of course it's not odd - what a grossly insensitive thing to say to you. My OH died almost a year ago and I haven't changed our voicemail message with his voice on it. I just won't do it - it's going to have to break first.

Do what feels right for you. I wear OH's clothes often. I don't care if people think it odd. Such actions can have great meaning to those grieving and it is nobody else's business what you do and when.

Things must be horribly raw for you. I'm so sorry.

TotalChaos · 02/08/2010 19:11

sorry about your husband. I don't think there is anything remotely odd about wearing your rings. My gran wore hers for over ten years after she lost her husband.

trainsetter · 02/08/2010 19:29

I am so sorry for your loss .

I would only expect someone to remove their rings when they felt ready to meet someone else tbh.

Ignore this rude person.

Northernlurker · 02/08/2010 19:33

So sorry for your loss. No experience but I think I would wear mine for a long time - even if I met somebody else. My ring symbolises our marriage but also our family - it's who I am and who I would be still even without dh.

eatingforthree · 02/08/2010 19:35

Its not odd. My grandma wore hers for over 50 years after her DH died. She never took it off. My mum was widowed 21 years ago and wears hers most of the tme but takes it off for washing the dishes and stuff.

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