how long after you lose a dh/dw did you wear your wedding ring? I still feel very much married

(46 Posts)
snowkitten Mon 02-Aug-10 11:11:01

lost dh on April 2nd this year sad. Someone recently commented that I am still wearing my wedding and engagement ring. I don't find this odd as I still feel married. Is it odd?

Poledra Mon 02-Aug-10 11:14:32

My uncle died 11 years ago. My aunt still wears her rings - she still loves him and he is still her husband as far as she is concerned.

Do whatever is right for you. I'm sorry for your loss.

compo Mon 02-Aug-10 11:16:40

How rude of someone to comment

do what feels right for you

sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry. I wouldn't think it odd at all. I'm sure I'd be doing the same in your shoes. As Poledra says, do what feels right to you.

throckenholt Mon 02-Aug-10 11:16:50

As long as feels right to you - there is no right or wrong.

It is odd that anyone would comment - you have as much right to wear them as anyone else.

Be kind to yourself - it is still very early days.

CallyJade Mon 02-Aug-10 11:17:47

Second that, you really need do what is right for you. It is not odd to carry on wearing your rings.

for you.

So sorry for your loss.

It's your choice and no one elses as to whether you wear your rings for the rest of your life or you remove them when you are ready. Do what is right for you.

My granny wore her wedding ring until she died which was 22 years after my granda died.

ben5 Mon 02-Aug-10 11:27:22

sorry for your loss. think i'ld always wear our rings. when and if i ever remarried i think i would wear them still but on the other hand.
it's not like you asked to lose your husband.

Mingg Mon 02-Aug-10 11:27:25

Very sorry for your loss.

After my father died my mother gave her rings (identical wedding and engagement rings) to me and my sister. She made my dad's wedding ring smaller to fit her and wore it until she passed away.

Eglu Mon 02-Aug-10 11:29:05

So sorry for your loss. I think it is perfectly normal to continue wearing your wedding ring. I don't see why you would stop tbh.

Meow75 Mon 02-Aug-10 11:31:51

Agree with everyone else. Why would you stop?! You still love the man, the fact that he is sadly no longer physically by your side is totally irrelevant.

Sorry for your loss too.

Jetbaby Mon 02-Aug-10 11:39:44

So sorry for your loss. Your husband died only 4 months ago & someone thinks it's odd that you're still wearing your rings?

When my DH died, both DH & myself were not wearing our rings because they didn't fit anymore (we were too fat blush). But the minute he died, I wore his wedding ring which fitted beautifully. When I met someone else, I changed the ring over to my right hand, but still wore it.

Would've thought it more odd if you'd taken them off tbh.

exexpat Mon 02-Aug-10 11:47:38

I know people who've been widowed 20 years or more who still wear their rings - definitely not odd.

I wore mine for two or three years after DH died, then my ring was getting a bit tight (comfort eating after he died blush plus family tendency to arthritis already making my finger joints bigger) so I took the ring to be resized. But when it came back it felt all wrong - all the little dents and scratches had been smoothed out, so it didn't feel 'mine' any more. Now I rarely wear it, but still keep it safe.

There is no right or wrong or any rule about this - just whatever feels right to you. And people are very rude to comment - no one has said anything to me, not even my in-laws.

Beattiebow Mon 02-Aug-10 11:49:35

my mil who lost her dh quite young still wears her rings (hers and fils) - now she wears them on the right hand as she has re-married. Nothing odd about continuing to wear them imo.

aristocat Mon 02-Aug-10 11:51:46

so sorry that someone was so rude to you. i agree that it is perfectly normal to wear your ring/s all of the time.

sorry for your loss.

GooseyLoosey Mon 02-Aug-10 11:53:05

My grandmother (who died a year ago) wore her wedding ring until the day she died even though her husband had died 45 years previously. As far as she was concerned he was and always would be her husband and that was that. I never found this anything other than entirely reasonable and normal and she never encountered anyone who found it odd.

piratecat Mon 02-Aug-10 11:57:53

how rude and tactless, who said this to you?

anyway, I'd say the same, you wear them as long as you want to.

StormyWeather Mon 02-Aug-10 12:08:50

So sorry for your loss.

Yes of course continue to wear your rings. He's still your husband.

EmmaKateWH Mon 02-Aug-10 12:35:54

I am very sorry for your loss. Like others, I know people who still wear their wedding rings 20 years after being widowed. A friend of mine lost her husband in a car crash very suddenly about 6 years ago. She wore her rings for at least 5 years. She has since met a new partner (I don't mention that to be insensitive as I am sure you don't feel even nearly ready for that having only lost your husband 4 months ago), and she has now taken the wedding rings off her left hand, but still wears them on the right hand. You are a widow, which I am sure feels very different to being single - and you should wear your wedding rings as long as you like! Anyone who passes comments is insensitive and rude.

itsatiggerday Mon 02-Aug-10 12:45:23

So sorry for your loss, and the insensitivity of the comment. I wonder if they confused the response to being widowed and divorced? Possibly in the latter it might be more common for people to remove rings, esp if mutual, but my experience of bereaved spouses is that they continue to wear the rings indefinitely. As some have said above, if you ever do remarry, you may switch hands, but your DH will always have been your husband until death parted you and the rings are a physical reminder of that.

wukter Mon 02-Aug-10 12:51:25

Sorry for your loss Snowkitten.
That comment was incredibly tactless. As others say it's a very personal thing and no one has the right to comment.

My mother wore her rings for years after she was widowed. She got Dad's ring remodelled into a little gold pendant that she wears almost all the time now. It's a nice idea.

ArsMamatoria Mon 02-Aug-10 19:03:54

Snowkitten, of course it's not odd - what a grossly insensitive thing to say to you. My OH died almost a year ago and I haven't changed our voicemail message with his voice on it. I just won't do it - it's going to have to break first.

Do what feels right for you. I wear OH's clothes often. I don't care if people think it odd. Such actions can have great meaning to those grieving and it is nobody else's business what you do and when.

Things must be horribly raw for you. I'm so sorry.

TotalChaos Mon 02-Aug-10 19:11:32

sorry about your husband. I don't think there is anything remotely odd about wearing your rings. My gran wore hers for over ten years after she lost her husband.

trainsetter Mon 02-Aug-10 19:29:53

I am so sorry for your loss sad.

I would only expect someone to remove their rings when they felt ready to meet someone else tbh.

Ignore this rude person.

So sorry for your loss. No experience but I think I would wear mine for a long time - even if I met somebody else. My ring symbolises our marriage but also our family - it's who I am and who I would be still even without dh.

eatingforthree Mon 02-Aug-10 19:35:46

Its not odd. My grandma wore hers for over 50 years after her DH died. She never took it off. My mum was widowed 21 years ago and wears hers most of the tme but takes it off for washing the dishes and stuff.

snowkitten Mon 02-Aug-10 20:09:41

thank you all. I intend to wear them for as long as I feel I want to. It feels so odd to even say the word 'widow' when you are asked your status on forms. Jsut doesn't sit right. Thanks you for your kind thoughts and words.

My cousin is a widower now having lost his wife three weeks ago. I can't even begin to think of him like that - seems so utterly wrong. I think I almost prefer the v old fashioned way of describing the surviving partner as the relic of x. Weird word but still shows that joint identity. Widower/widow is like a whole new thing isn't it? A new state which excludes your loved one - all pretty horrible.

Riddo Mon 02-Aug-10 21:33:09

My DH1 died after six months of marriage in 1989. I wore his ring until I got engaged to DH2 when I moved it to my right hand.

I have only recently taken it off after 18 years of marriage to DH2.

Wear it as long as you want to. I am very sorry for your loss.

Cosmosis Tue 03-Aug-10 18:05:48

So sorry for your loss. I think that comment was extremely insensitive. My grandmother wore her wedding ring for 30odd years till she married her second husband, and even then wore both engagement rings and her new wedding ring. Wear it for as long as you want to.

MrsGypsy Wed 04-Aug-10 16:11:34

My DH1 died in 1992 after 3 years of marriage. The shock left me completely useless and unable to answer any questions of "so, what does your husband do" etc when people assumed I was married (on seeing my wedding ring etc). I took it off after 3 months. In some ways, I think it's the right thing to do, as it moves you into the acceptance mode. But it's your decision. If you have children who are old enough to notice, they may feel like you have "forgotten" Daddy already. If you have little ones, the choice is yours. But remember, the inlaws will notice, and you should probably explain why you have done it.

My in-laws were ghastly afterwards and very much blamed me for DH1's death (heart attack at age 31). They didn't even expect me/want me to keep his surname. We had no children. So I did keep it. Even now, with DH2, I still use it as my professional name (a two fingers to them).

You do what feels right to you. If you can't handle personal questions, take it off for a while. It can always go back on.

With love from someone who has been there too.

shock Mrsgypsy at your in-laws. I know they'd lost their child but to expect you to give up your married name shock. That must have been terribly hard for you.

pinotmonster Mon 09-Aug-10 22:05:20

Snowkitten, I would be furious if someone suggested that to me! My dh passed away at the end of March and I think it would be an insult to all of us including our 3 kids to remove my wedding ring.

I still feel married.

Thinking of you

nowherewoman Mon 09-Aug-10 22:09:22

I'd be very surprised if you weren't still wearing it, but I wouldn't comment either way. Sorry for your loss.

DadInsteadofMum Tue 10-Aug-10 11:00:02

This is something often debated on widow(er)'s forums and the general conclusion is that you do whatever feels right for you. Personally I took mine off on the first wedding anniversary after DW's death (about 10 months). I now have three rings (2 wedding and an engagement ring) and three kids one for each of them at the right moment.

FoghornLeghorn Thu 12-Aug-10 10:48:20

So sorry for your loss snowkitten

When my MIL took off her weddings about a year after FIL passed away we all found it quite strange that she had, she's never mentioned it and neither have we but we just presumed she would wear them forever.

I guess it's just part of moving on - everyone needs to do what feels right for them

lavandes Fri 13-Aug-10 23:25:27

I can't believe anyone has asked this question. I would wear mine forever, if only on the right hand. After all this is a death and not a divorce.

LisaD1 Mon 16-Aug-10 20:09:54

Sorry for your loss sad

My grandad died 26 yrs ago, my nan (his wife) died last Monday and was still wearing her wedding ring.

I think you should wear it as long as you want to.

Onlyjoking Wed 18-Aug-10 14:27:00

Sorry to hear that your husband died, very rude of someone to comment like that.
I wore my ring for 13 months after Steve died, like DIOM I took it off on our anniversary, in some ways I felt safer wearing it when out and about as I felt vunerable but as time moved on I felt ok about it, I moved it onto the other hand then took it off a while later, do whatever feels right for you.

ZeroZeroOne Tue 24-Aug-10 20:29:19

I heard Vince Cable interviewed on R4 a couple of years ago. His first wife died and he has remarried. He now wears 2 rings on his wedding finger. his view is that his first wife is the mother of his children and still a very important part of his family and his life. He said his second wife understood completely too.

Flighttattendant Tue 24-Aug-10 20:40:24

Yes Zero I think when you marry someone who is widowed it is very important you are able to accept that their first spouse is still relevant and part of the equation.

BikeRunSki Tue 24-Aug-10 20:58:47

My dad dies in 1993, and my mother still wears her wedding and engagement rings, and his signet ring (he did not wear a wedding ring. She has been with someone else for about 8 years, but that has not changed the life and family she had with my dad.

oldraver Fri 10-Sep-10 14:03:46

I still (10 years later) wear my and DH's wedding ring. It altenates between my left and right hand as one of them rubs and makes a place so I just swap them over

The only comment I have had was from my MIL who was shocked as I had worn my wedding ring on my right hand months after DH died due to severe exzema.... you cant win lol

follygirl Mon 13-Sep-10 22:06:19

So sorry for your loss.

My dad died nearly 3 years ago. For about 2 years Mum wore his ring on a chain around her neck (he had big fingers). However recently she has had their wedding rings merged together and it looks beautiful.

Do whatever makes you happy.

piscesmoon Mon 13-Sep-10 22:30:04

' It feels so odd to even say the word 'widow' when you are asked your status on forms. Jsut doesn't sit right'

I had great difficulty getting into conversation that I was a widow. I took off my rings so that people wouldn't assume that I was married but it didn't make any difference-no one appeared to notice!I put them back on. Don't remove them because of other people-do what you want to.

piscesmoon Mon 13-Sep-10 22:35:59

I have just read your OP again and see that you have only been a widow for a few short months-with no time to come to terms with it-I am so sorry. I can't imagine how anyone could be so insensitive to comment.
Have you tried the wayfoundation for young widows? I wish it had been around when I was a young widow-it helped me enormously to talk to others in a similar position who really knew what it felt like.

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