7 month baby crying- neighbour complaint

(55 Posts)
stressed8132 Mon 11-Nov-13 13:07:10

My 7 month little boy is causing my neigbour to complain. She has been complaining for months. He does cry a lot but not as much as she is making out. He has colic and reflux. At the moment he is also teething. She says he is crying for hours and hours. I told her if this was the case could she please record it so that she has proof. He is getting really soft because I have to pick him up as soon as he crys because she comes round complaining, the problem is he wants picking up all the time now. Im not unreasonable, I understand a baby crying can be distressing and i do try to keep it to a minimum. Im starting to feel stressed out- she told me she had 3 children and they never cried like mine- and that he isnt normal. That I should take him to a doctor. The problem is she likes a drink and its always when she is hungover. Her daughter in law is a teacher at my daughters school and I have been told they have been discussing me and the teacher has given the neigbour information about my daughters progress at school. Can anyone offer any advice. Im at my wits end.

Gileswithachainsaw Mon 11-Nov-13 13:09:51

First of all it's not your problem she's hungover.

Secondly. Babies cry she needs to get over it. You can't help colic or reflux and he's gonna cry if you hold him or put him down I doubt there's a lot you can do tbh.

DontWannaBeObamasElf Mon 11-Nov-13 13:10:44

First of all I'd be complaining to the school regarding the breach of confidentiality.

Babies cry, can't do much about it. Maybe tell her that her constant complaining is stressing you out and the baby is picking up on it. Might shut her up for a few days.

stressed8132 Mon 11-Nov-13 13:11:02

Not sure how to edit - so will just add a little more. Today I went shopping I only came in at 10.55 from shopping baby was hungry crying for his bottle- I went in the kitchen leaving baby in the hall (totally on the other side of the house from hers) and at 10.59 she was hammering on the door complaining.

Gileswithachainsaw Mon 11-Nov-13 13:14:58

Document all the times she comes round then speak to someone regarding harassment. Fgs of she can't hack this what's she gonna do when he's a toddler and stomping up stairs or screaming because a fly looked at him wrong or his socks are the wrong color.

DontWannaBeObamasElf Mon 11-Nov-13 13:15:28

She sounds like an absolute twat.

stressed8132 Mon 11-Nov-13 13:16:16

Thanks its nice to think others are on the same train of thought as me. I thought I may be being unreasonable. She threatened to report me to Social Services today :-( Im really angry at the moment. My health visitor has told me to let him cry himself to sleep and to do controlled crying but I have no chance of doing that - she would have a field day.

hettienne Mon 11-Nov-13 13:17:13

Babies do cry, so she has to live with it - but it struck me that you said that "He is getting really soft because I have to pick him up as soon as he crys" - of course you have to pick him up when he cries confused

MomentForLife Mon 11-Nov-13 13:17:48

How dare they breach confidentiality about your DD like that!

I don't know what to say about the complaining, you sound like you're doing your best and it's not like you can reason with a little baby. What exactly is she getting at? That you are letting him cry, implying that your a bad Mum or something?

It could be that daughter in law hasn't said anything, she might just be a weirdo and want to worry you.

Gileswithachainsaw Mon 11-Nov-13 13:18:00

Forget about her. Do what you need to do. If ss do come round what are they going to see exactly?

Ffs it's a daft drunk old bat being an interfering bitch. Post some ear plugs through the letter box and carry on doing what you need to do!!

Report her for harassment

First you need to deal with the breach of confidentiality at school. Ring the head, perhaps get some advice on the primary school boards looking at this as a separate matter.

You are not obliged to engage with your neighbour. You do not owe her an explanation or apology. Next time she comes around tell her she is welcome to move house and then shut the door. If you repeat this every time in your most relaxed blasé manner she will find complaining very unfulfilling.

Colic is hell, you have my sympathy.

Figgygal Mon 11-Nov-13 13:19:17

Tell her if she does you will report her to police for harassment and report her Daughter In Law for being inappropriate at work and see how she likes it.

megab Mon 11-Nov-13 13:21:53

I would be straight down the school, get the teacher in front of her boss and ask why she feels it necessary to breach confidentiality with your neighbour. That her actions are making an already unbearable living situation worse and you want it dealt with.
As for the crying, tell her to mind her own. What is she going to do? Call the police/council because a baby is crying, baby's don't have an off switch. She won't have a leg to stand on. Silly B***h of a woman

gamerchick Mon 11-Nov-13 13:22:40

I agree.. tell her you're logging all her visits and will take further action and that you're going to deal with the school for breach of confidentiality.

toffeesponge Mon 11-Nov-13 13:22:47

What are they discussing? That your baby cries? Your dd's school work?

Stand up for yourself, stop being bullied by this woman.

cathpip Mon 11-Nov-13 13:23:21

I would be telling your neighbour that isn't she lucky that none of her children had colic and reflux, and maybe if they did she would have some sympathy, then mention that you are logging everything as this is harassment and end it with the fact that you are reporting her daughter for breech of confidentiality to the school and the LEA after one of your previous conversations with her. Babies cry, its clearly been a long time since she dealt with one.

FruitSaladIsNotPudding Mon 11-Nov-13 13:28:39

What toffeesponge said, stand up for yourself - talk to your daughter's school about her teacher, and tell your neighbour to leave you alone or you will report her to the police for harassment. If she comes round again, call the police on 101 and talk to them.

Whatever you do, don't engage, don't offer excuses or explanations. Tell her to leave you alone and then shut the door.

Then care for your son in the way that is best for him and you, sod your stupid neighbour.

gourd Mon 11-Nov-13 13:29:15

She has her rose-tinted spectacles on about her kids. Easy when it was so long ago. All babies cry and the first year is hard work in that respect. Afterall babies cant communicate verbally in any other way. Agree with the others. Log the time and date of her complaints and report these to the police if you feel harassed. Would also suggest you go and get some moral support from your HV and use the baby groups in your area to meet others with similar aged babies, and so you will know that you are not alone in having a crying baby!

Is not the neighbours behaviour bordering on harassment?

Are you renting?

stressed8132 Mon 11-Nov-13 13:33:27

I dont leave him to cry. My health visitor has told me not to pick him up as soon as he cries. He wants constant attention because he knows as soon as he cries I will pick him up because I feel I have to. I know his different cries. I can tell if he is over tired or in pain, or if he simply wants attention. Do people really pick their babies up every time they cry?

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Mon 11-Nov-13 13:34:20

I second DontWannaBeObamasElf. What the hell is the school doing giving your neighbour reports about your DCs school progress? It may be meant in good faith "oh but they are very good" but it is not to be done. Complain in writing so that it cannot be ignored. No need to implicate your friend. You could have heard it straight from your neighbour.

YANBU. Babies cry, and babies with reflux cry a lot more. Have you considered calling crysis or NSPCC to ask their advice in dealing with bullying neighbours when one has a crying baby?

I am very sorry. She sounds mad but this is no help.

Talk to your HV about this too.

Doodledumdums Mon 11-Nov-13 13:35:37

Oh my god you poor thing, she sounds awful. No advice, but just wanted to say this is totally not your fault. Okay, it is unfortunate if your neighbour has a baby that cries a lot, but that's just tough, people are entitled to have babies, and babies cry! My 10mo has a sickness bug at the moment and has been crying and whinging for the last 48 hours, but he's a baby, there is nothing I can do!

Ask her what on earth she expects you to do about it. If she's had 3 children who didn't cry then she must be supernanny and therefore must have some suggestions rather than just abuse?!

The school thing is a massive breach of confidentiality, but I wouldn't be surprised if she's lying and making out that she knows something that she doesn't, purely because her dil teaches at the school.

All in all, evil cow! I'd move your crying DS into the room closest to her house every time he cries, just to wind her up.

Yeah, I did. After months of colic I was a shakey anxious mess and it was a relief that just picking up would help. But that's just me, there's an entire spectrum of parenting and you a certainly not unusual to give it some time to offer opportunities to self- settle.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Mon 11-Nov-13 13:38:40

I picked up my babies most of the time but frankly it is not always possible, or they do not calm down when picked up if the crying is due to pain or night terror. I also did controlled crying when they were about one.

I live in a flat so I am quite certain my neighbours hear the noise we make. I never had anyone complaining.

I agree that she is harassing you. You need RL support. Talk to your HV. Her talk of contacting SS and her getting reports from the school is not on.

stressed8132 Mon 11-Nov-13 13:39:05

Thanks for all the input. He is really bad with tummy issues. He has medicine for the reflux, he has special milk for colic. He is weaned now and Im obviously trying him with different foods but some foods make the colic and reflux worse. I thought he would of grown out of it by now, the current thought is he is possibly Lactose intollerant.

Gileswithachainsaw Mon 11-Nov-13 13:39:15

No I never picked up either dd straight away either. Especially dd2. I'm not one to take babies into the toilet they got put in a cot.

Dd1 didn't stop needing help doing up her top button or coat just cos her sister was crying.

You just can't possibly not put them down

MrTumblesKnickers Mon 11-Nov-13 13:40:19

You poor thing, as if your baby crying isn't stressful enough on its own.

I agree with everyone else. Go and crack some skulls together at the school. How dare the teacher pass on info about your daughter?! That is so out of order.

I know it's easy to say but I would try and ignore the complaints. Tell her to call SS if she wants. And tell her you're logging all of her knocks/complaints under police advice as she is harrassing you.

moldingsunbeams Mon 11-Nov-13 13:42:05

You need to complain to the head if the teacher is discussing anything personal at all with a person not related to or not involved in the education of your child.

moldingsunbeams Mon 11-Nov-13 13:43:57

I have complained about this by the way, I withdrew my dd from a CM as her little boy was continually attacking mine when they were in reception.
She went to school and discussed my reason for leaving the CM with the teacher who gave out personal information about my child and events at the school including her sen.

The teacher got in a lot of trouble for it.

stressed8132 Mon 11-Nov-13 13:47:11

A lot of the time picking him up doesnt help and he still cries- I have a swing and i used to swaddle when he was smaller. He gets constipated with the colic sometimes and there is no comforting him until he parts with it. The only thing I have found that helps is a bath, but this takes time to run,get temp right and to get fresh towels etc. The crying Im talking about is more the attention crying( he has older siblings and he doesnt like to be alone or entertain himself. I would never leave him to cry in pain.

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts Mon 11-Nov-13 13:49:35

Log everything.
Deal with the school
Tell your hv.

And don't stress...

You really have to deal with the school, it's utterly out of order and it's something concrete you can do now to stop her harassment - I suspect she's enjoying the power over you as well as hating the crying. Take the power back...

By telling your hv what's going on, you get to register your side of this and get professional advice, which will help if she decides to threaten you with ss.

Btw I don't think there is anything wrong with picking a baby up every time he cries, but as long as you are not leaving him in distress, then it's up to you. I think wantkng attention is an entirely reasonable need but I don't think you are depriving him of attention? But it's also good to teach him how to wait a few seconds as well, not very long as babies can't do that, but learn that sometimes mummy is doing something else first. I can imagine you are feeling very hemmed in, and it's not fair.

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts Mon 11-Nov-13 13:50:38

Cross post!

Please reply to us about complaining to the school - you're not mentioning this?

mummybare Mon 11-Nov-13 13:54:30

Hmm, well obviously her behaviour is unacceptable, but I just wanted to reassure you that picking him up will not make him cry more.

It could well be that being held upright is more comfortable for him if he is refluxy so it may well seem as if nothing is wrong because he stops as soon as he is picked up. But he isn't manipulating you or anything - they are just not capable of that at 7mo!

I also think the advice to use cc with a baby who has reflux is questionable - the proponents of cc and cio I've read advise to ensure there are no medical issues at play before trying their methods.

It may not always be practical to go to him straight away, and sometimes you need to just take a breath for the sake of your own mental health, but it doesn't do any harm to pick him up every time he cries. It certainly won't 'make him soft'.

Of course, having said all that, babies do cry and refluxy, colicky ones cry A LOT, so your neighbour era;ply does need to mind her own beeswax.

mummybare Mon 11-Nov-13 13:55:06

*really. Don't know what era;ply is….

stressed8132 Mon 11-Nov-13 13:56:51

My daughter struggled with Maths. She is an august baby. She worked really hard and got herself up on the top table from the bottom one. At one point she had an IEP, but by the end of year sats she actually got above average in her SATs. My neighbour knows she had an IEP. She was implying that Im a bad mother, and the fact my DD had an IEP backed this up. My DD is well behaved and polite and gives 100 percent in all she does. She does Dancing 3 times a week ( her choice) Karate, piano lessons and is always doing any after school clubs that are going. She wins a lot of awards at school and according to reports is a model pupil. Im not sure what the teacher could of said about her but im shocked she knew she had an IEP at the start of last year.

stressed, you don't have to justify what you do or don't do. It doesn't sound like you need any advice on coping with your baby, you're doing really well. I only had to endure four months before the worst of it passed and the wheel were well and truly falling off at that point.

The only problem here is your pissy neighbour and your school. The rest is between you, your baby and the gp.

That's really not on. You need to come down on the school like a tonne of bricks. You might be best taking advice on how to do that effectively from the education boards. Sorry, I know I'm repeating myself but please don't be fobbed off with a bit of lip service.

bleedingheart Mon 11-Nov-13 14:07:41

^ This. The teacher is SO out of order it is unbelievable! An IEP is nothing to be ashamed of but it is confidential.

Your daughter has worked really hard and you are doing all you can for your baby. Your neighbour sounds like a bully.

bonkersLFDT20 Mon 11-Nov-13 14:08:35

You're not making your baby soft by picking him up.

Do you want to do controlled crying?

NorfolkInGood Mon 11-Nov-13 14:09:02

Sorry to hear of this vile woman
OP. I'd keep a log of dates/times she knocks on the door and speak to CAB or 101 for advice.

I'd speak to the head of year or headteacher about remarks made about DD. They may be false the DIL may have just mentioned she teaches your dd and she's spun it to abuse you.

Hope you take care of it OP and stop letting this cow. effect you!

biscuit wine thanks thanks

stressed8132 Mon 11-Nov-13 14:14:34

Littlemslazybones. No I wont be fobbed off. Today has been the straw that broke the camels back. She has gone too far. I feel like she has been questioning the daughter in law/teacher for any information that would make out I am a bad mum. She also knew I had missed parents evening ( With good reason i was in hospital with preeclampsia) The daughter in law/teacher -I dont believe has given the information in malice but I dont want her discussing my children and giving the neighbour ammo to use against me. She has taken it and twisted it to her own agenda.

Best of luck. (Your neighbour sounds more and more unhinged with every post, she'd have broken a mother with less confidence)

stressed8132 Mon 11-Nov-13 14:25:17

Bonkers. Hi, not really looked into CC yet. My eldest son would never let me put him down, I had to take him everywhere- even the toilet. If I walked out of the room as soon as he was mobile he would be hanging off my jeans. This was not too bad as he was my first and I could give him constant attention. No one would ever mind him if I ever went anywhere because he would cry the whole time I was out. He couldnt cope at nursery without me and eventually they said he couldnt attend anymore unless I went with him.Even starting school I had to stay in class with him for months until he settled in. He has seperation anxiety even now at 13. He attends a special school and has since he was 6. He has a long list of difficulties but the doctors all say the fact he doesnt want to be appart from me is because I would give in to his demands straight away.

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts Mon 11-Nov-13 14:42:47

Well a side point but latest thinking is that attachment issues are born of too little attention, and giving attention does not cause children to be clingy/ insecure, but the other way round. Obviously I have no idea about your eldest sons condition or diagnosis, but alarm bells ring for me when you talk about problems caused by giving attention.

UriGeller Mon 11-Nov-13 14:45:23

I do pick my baby up the minute she cries....(have done with all mine) and whatever your doctor says about it leading to separation anxiety is absolutely ridiculous.
All babies and children and therefore adults are different and everyone has different needs. Your eldest son likely just has that personality.

Your baby isn't at fault here, its that woman. You need to do whats right for you and your family Not your neighbour!
She can mind her own business.

bonkersLFDT20 Mon 11-Nov-13 14:53:39

Gosh, that must really hurt to be told that your son doesn't want to be apart from you because you "gave in to his demands".

I obviously don't know your son and suspect there is a lot more to his condition than attention/lack of attention issues, but you simply cannot give a small baby too much attention. Granted, you can smother an older child's independence by not allowing them to do things on their own, but it doesn't sound like you did that with your son, rather that his temperament wouldn't allow it.

stressed8132 Mon 11-Nov-13 14:57:56

Double my eldest son is autistic. My children all get lots of attention,we do things as a family and they get to do things with Mum/Dad alone. I couldnt of given my eldest son anymore attention If i tried. Everyone is different, I have read everyones advice and have taken it on board. Some people are of the thought that babies should be left to cry from time to time. Some are of the thought they should be picked up straight away. I dont feel that I can try the first because of my neighbour. I would love my little one to entertain himself for a little while, im talking 20/30 mins not hours. I only have the baby in the day- we do baby massage- go to mum n baby groups, I read to him,sing to him play games with him. He has a set bedtime routine ( not that it helps) I have other children I havent had this issue with- they would sit and play with their socks ,feet,toys etc. I cant possibly hold him every minute of every day. I feel that you have taken what I have said the wrong way or I havent explained myself very well.

HoleyGhost Mon 11-Nov-13 18:49:08

Make a complaint about the DIL to the school - if you are not satisfied with their response make it a formal one.

Next time the bully next door knocks, explain that it is harassment and you will call the police if she keeps it up. Get advice and reassurance from your health visitor.

minipie Mon 11-Nov-13 20:16:07

stressed I think Double wasn't criticising you but rather questioning the advice you have been given. I think she's saying that you cannot have caused your eldest sons problems by giving too much attention as in fact the research shows lots of attention is good.

if your baby has possible food intolerances and reflux then it's not surprising he wants to be held and can't entertain himself, he is probably in discomfort... If milk intolerance is suspected then I would ask GP for a trial of nutrimagen formula (if he is formula fed) and keep all dairy out of his diet. in the meantime you can't expect him to be like other babies sadly.

oh and your neighbour sounds completely out of order. stand firm, don't allow your care of your baby to be changed by her.

purrtrillpadpadpad Mon 11-Nov-13 20:23:32

Op, coping with a baby that has colic and reflux sounds wretched, I think you're doing a marvellous job. Reflux is bad enough by itself, and the crying from colic is just horrendous. I feel like coming round and standing guard at your front door, I could quite happily bop your neighbour for basically terrorising you in your own home. Please stand up for yourself, you don't deserve this.

SteamWisher Mon 11-Nov-13 20:31:09

Please don't think your baby is crying fr attention in a bad way. He has reflux - he will be hurting.

I had two reflux babies and picked them up all the time. Yes there were times when I couldn't but on the whole, I would pick up and give a cuddle.

I'd ask for hydrolysed formula from the GP. I'd also use a dummy if you don't already. Have you ever had heartburn? That's what he'll be feeling.

stressed8132 Mon 11-Nov-13 22:59:59

Thanks everyone. I have 2 other lactose intollerant children. Its effected them both in different ways. My eldest used to get diarrhea had really bad eczema and asthma. My other son had the projectile vommiting. My old gp retired and the new one isnt much help. My LO always has hiccups.. cries when he is feeding. He gets constipated then has diarrhea then constipation again. He farts all the time and they stink- and i really mean stink they make me feel sick. Smelly burps too. His stools are green no matter what he eats. He has gaviscon for the reflux. I have tried infacol gripe water and colief. He has comfort formula which helps slightly. He has a dummy-he loves it. Im going to see health visitor on thursday. He eats solids really well ,at the moment im trying to find a pattern with his food and when the colic reflux is bad. I know it will get better- I just panic everytime he cries. I feel like im being judge.

I think that you should speak to the headteacher of your DD's school. Don't go in guns blazing - but explain everything that your neighbour has said and your concern that it has come from her DIL (though you don't have any direct evidence of this) and ask the HT to investigate.

stressed8132 Mon 11-Nov-13 23:32:38

The DIL really helped my daughter. She went the extra mile with her. Im not going to go in all guns blazing. That is the reason I didnt go in today- I wouldnt make a complaint in anger. I dont believe she has said anything in a malicious way but the neighbour has twisted it to her own agenda.I just dont want them discussing my child. I would like it to not happen again. The DiL is a very good teacher- tbh I dont think she gets on too well with my neighbour as she sits in the car when her hubby visits his mum.That said there is only one way she knew about the IEP.

Perhaps you would prefer just to discuss it directly with the DIL - rather than the HT then.

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