love bombing... 15 minutes in and I give up(38 Posts)
7 yr old ds.
I read the book on love bombing, right it would be really beneficial. Ear marked today to give it a go. He's got out of bed moaning, refused every suggestion and attached conditions to the rest. For example, I asked if he wanted to go out for breakfast. Only if I get him a toy when we're there.
He's glued to cartoon network and given free reign that'll be the same all day.
I would get rid of all screens to start with. I think they cause lots of problems, but I am a bit of a crank about this. Maybe for your son, the best thing would be to curl up with him and watch cartoons together.
Do you want to talk about any problems he has been having?
Meltdowns, defiance, and not listening along with some low level teasing at school eating into his self esteem. He has me in tears some weekends with his rude, obnoxious and nasty behaviour. Tells me he hates me, no one likes him. It just feels we're in a negative rut.
Had a great afternoon at the beach yesterday but ended in a meltdown because he kept asking to get on the computer when we got home and I refused.
We've got rid of ps3 time, his tablet etc as he's all or nothing and cannot self regulate and focuses on the chance of getting a shot all the time.
He's got dyspraxia and dyslexia and seems unable to emotionally regulate, goes into end of the world style meltdowns over tiny things.
I haven't read the book, but it sounds like you are giving up at the first hurdle! I think any new parenting technique takes at least a few days to have an effect.
I think one thing is, you can't fake love bombing. It's not about offering 'things' bit still feeling a bit frustrated. It might sound hard, but I'd prioritise just really feeling total unconditional love, when you feel yourself feeling something else, take a breath, drop it, come back to love.
A trick I used on myself was thinking of ds when he was a newborn, for me that was the massive rush of no holds barred, no expectations love. That really helped me.
And the great thing about it is, it feels really good. You let yourself off any pressure, any need for 'results' just for that time. You just give yourself the gift of a really loving, happy experience.
Hi there ILet
Since your DS has some identified additional offer, why don't you come on over to the SN section and ask posters there about love-bombing?
It would never work with DD as her autism has her craving structure and regulation, surprising her with breakfast out and intense days out where the focus was all about her would send her into tail-spin and would quickly descend into shouting, refusing and much more anxiety-induced behaviour.
His screeching and annoying singing is driving me mad. I can't spend ten minutes with out telling him to be quiet.
My instinct would be to get rid of all screens for the whole family (at least till they are in bed) for a good chunk of time. A month. My friend did this and swears it changed the direction her family were heading.
They went from playing DS in the back of the car on the way to school and watching cartoons at breakfast to playing board games after dinner. On a Friday night they had a movie night all together so that tv was a normal part of the week.
She says that they stopped asking on day two. One day she found her son reading on the sofa and her daughter next to him sewing. Before they were fighting over who got to watch what.
At 7, you can still eliminate computers from his life completely. If you are at all interested in doing this, why not give it a try? I really do think it opens up a whole new way of life for people, and it can massively improve moods all around.
I would also go in to school and ask for early intervention with any teasing; it rarely feels "low level" to the victim. Maybe you have already done this, but if you can get the teacher strongly on your side, you may be able to sort out the problem right there. Is it possible that all his problems at home are in reaction to unhappiness at school?
But isn't the point that you only do it for a shorter amount of time, say half an hour. You don't have to do anything special, just do something he wants to do. You could sit and watch his cartoons with him and talk to him about the story/characters. The idea is that it's a short time so that any annoying behaviours you can grit your teeth and think "It's only 20 minutes longer".
I agree with Savoy cabbage.. Just before the summer holidays out sky dish broke.. And I refused to get it fixed. So for the entire summer holiday they had no tv (had some DVDs) so they had to find other things to do. Played outside, met friends etc.
Now the sky dish is fixed but the tv is hardly on now us brilliant.. (I've kept it to be able to watch the things I like to watch but sky plus them... ;) pot and kettle I know.. )
With my 7yr old DS.. He doesn't get a choice if we're going to so something.. I take him. Sometimes he will
Play up as he'll not want to do something but once were there he enjoys it..
Teacher is on side, we're chatting about it a lot. Poor little bugger still wants to invite the main name caller to his party next month as he feels sorry for him.
The tv is a bad habit. It's just on for the sake of being on half the time.
Latest negotiation is "we can go to the soft play as long as I can take Sam or Dylan or.... (anyone he can think of)"
I've came back to bed for lie down. I can't cope with him and I don't want to spend my day negotiating with him or persuading him to do something
What would he want to do if you switched off the tv etc?
Hi ILet, it sounds like you're not ready to do the Lovebombing today.
For those who say it's just half an hour, that's the maintenance. The first step is ideally a whole weekend, which you engage the child in planning. It's special time just with one child and one parent (so no friends).
It sounds like you might have skipped over the planning stage ILet?
I was terrified when I did the overnight away in a hotel with 3.5yo DS, but more desperate. It was really good for me to build my confidence that I could cope with DS.
I don't think dyslexia and dyspraxia would mean that lovebombing wouldn't work. It does sound like there's either something else going on, or you really, really need the lovebombing.
I am naturally laissez faire nd relaxed, but my children ( same SEN as you) crave structure, rules and clear boundaries.
Boring! But it works.
They are allowed 30 mins screen time in the morning and one hour in the aftenoon. I give " 5 minutes to end" warning.
When they complained that they had only had 5 minutes, not half an hour, I started using the egg timer. That felt fair to them. Still use it at times.
Bed time and bed time routine set in stone, pretty much, but always room for a chat and cuddle and a bit more of a cuddle and chat.
Also do thinks as unhurried as possible ( less stress) and with advance warning ( we are leaving in 10 minutes, please get your shoes on, etc).
I don't give them a lot of choice, or negotiations about stuff. I mostly tell them what we are going to do, eat, watch. I find telling, not asking to work well. If they have suggestions, I listen, I am not some sort of dictator, and I might say it is ok ( if it is ) or just" good idea but we are not doing that this time"
I am not saying my way is the only way, just that I figured out being a slightlymore firm parent than I would be naturally works for them.
They know where they stand and they like that.
We don't do endless negotiations, but if they are upset I will sit down and listen and say that I understand that they are upset, but that what they want just is not possible right now.
I'm a bit like that too Parm. We went to dinner at someone's house last night and the dad was asking all the kids what colour plate they wanted then they all started fighting because they were disappointed with what colour they got. Madness.
We have an hour tv at night as part of our bedtime routine. Then they know they are getting it.
I need to do something.
I find him so infuriating. I just want to stop trying. He's always, always pushing for something else. Say if we're going somewhere he wants to take someone. If we agree to watch a film he wants something else on top of it, we go to a castle he's along all the way round for a toy from a shop. He gets 15 minutes on the computer he's pushing for 20. I never enter into negotiations with him but he doesn't stop trying.
I've came back down ans he's tidied up the living room and drawn me a picture. But he's asked 5 times for a shot on my iPad.
The tv has been off since. I first posted, but I'm that annoyed I don't really want to interact with him.
That's infuriating Savoy and we've never went down that route.
If you've given say, the ten minute warning to turn off the computer, do you give him consequences?
Two questions: does het get enough sleep?
Do you have a DP? I find having the back up of the other parent, same rules, helpful. It is harder shen he is abroad for work!
I say a lot but enforce very little. The ten minute warning isn't even timed and there's a lot of shouting ending in me turning it off, him going into meltdown, getting sent to his room and lots of tears.
Which is why I just want to eliminate the temptation of them all together.
Dh works weekends which are my toughest time.
Sleep. Yeah I'd say so. He goes to bed around 7.30 but reads until about 8.30 then up between 7 and 8. Some nights it's a total carry on though a d he can come down 3 or 4 times.
We have charts the ot made us for morning an evening routines which help.
Like now he's tripping over himself to please me, doing craft a d now he's out to pick apples to make a crumble. This was the day I wanted, it's just his behaviour at the start of it has pissed me of so much.
Then my advice is to stop threatening and just keep to the job in hand.
If you need him to stop playing xbox or whatever, because it's time for dinner, actually say 'in ten minutes we are having dinner. You will have to stop doing ... then' give him a clock/timer and let him know what ten minutes time looks like and again tell him this is when he has to stop.
If you then tell him x,y and z will happen, and it doesn't then he has no reason to believe you. If you up the severity of the threats, he could panic about what you really mean and that is where his shouting etc will come in
Forgot to say. DS was pretty challenging for some chunks of the lovebombing weekend we did - eg didn't touch his dinner that he chose on the first night.
But I think this is part of the readjustment you need to happen in your relationship. And the important thing is that DS is getting the message that you love him, no matter what.
Have you tried just saying yes to him, unless it's an actual danger or you can't afford it? It's a huge challenge to start with, but that's the experience that you're trying to have together.
That is lovely- he's being sweet now. Do you know what turned everything around? Was it you taking yourself off for a bit that made him disengage from the power struggle?
Then maybe try giving yourself a timeout when he starts doing things to annoy you. Lavish attention on him in a very low key way (not buying things or doing special trips, which seem to make him demand more and more, but things like reading out loud, playing games, watching a favourite film together, cooking together, etc). I would eliminate sources of negotiation and argument, such as screens and junk food. I would keep talking to school about social problems, and try to help him as much as you can with his dyslexia, so he can gain confidence academically.
I am saying this is what I would do, but I know that all of these things can be difficult, and I would have numerous failures along the way. These are just the things which come into my head after reading your posts-
Still no screens. He's done more craft and played with his brother. And been put playing lots. Dh finishing early so die home soon and were going to do something.
I think I put high expectations on myself as well.
Well done ILet, that sounds much more positive.
It doesn't sound like you're ready to do the lovebombing just yet. You do need to plan it, and find a time when you can give the individual DC your undivided attention (it sounds like his brother has been there all along?).
Good luck getting to a happier footing. It can be tough, but so worth it.
Yeah I'm going to struggle to get complete one to one time with him.
That's tough, ILet, and of course none of us approach Lovebombing in the first place if we aren't completely exhausted with trying everything else and the sheer battle that everyday life feels like.
Could DP take a couple of days off work so that you could focus on DS? I know leave will be precious, but sounds like this is desperate times.
Thanks for all the supportive advice.
Decided that a weekend or night just isn't going to be possible for some time so worked out little sessions. 30 minutes after his brother goes to bed, before his bed time are now known as Super Mummy Time. His name!
We've always used this time for bedtime stories etc but now it's super concentrated on him and what we also is his choice. Which is why I watched 20 minutes if minecraft videos explaining the different types of tnt available last night. The night before was in bed reading beanos! But it's just us, we're cuddled up, I'm swamping him with cuddles and kisses, tucking him I to bed and telling him I love him lots.
I think quality one on one is imporant for boys, it should have a positive effect for both of you
Well done ILet, that sounds like really positive progress .
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