LIVE TANTRUM THREAD - how on earth do I deal with this?

(31 Posts)

DS2 - 6 yrs old, had friends in for a few hrs, friends one home to go out. Bedroom is a tip, I gutted it and tidied it yesterday, he's been asked nicely to tidy it up. He's now screaming, kicking things around the room, hurling toy boxes at the wall, swearing. This is a daily occurrence about something he doesn't like. How do I react/handle it because so far nothing is working :'(

Whogivesashit Wed 07-Aug-13 15:19:52

What are you currently doing when he kicks off like this?

Thesimplethings Wed 07-Aug-13 15:20:04

Take toys off him. If he can't treat belongings with respect take them away and return one at time as reward for good behaviour

Whogivesashit Wed 07-Aug-13 15:20:55

What are you currently doing when he kicks off like this?

anklebitersmum Wed 07-Aug-13 15:23:00

Ignore the screaming and swearing and leave him in there until it's tidy. As and when it goes quiet it usually does once they realise you're not engaging tell him it needs to be tidy by bedtime or everything that's not tidy is going into black bags. In the event it doesn't get tidy by bedtime black bag the lot and put it in the garage.

Bit extreme I know but sometimes the shock of 'She actually did it' curbs the tendency to tantrum.

brew for you.

Currently I'm downstairs with the other 2 kids, he is yelling insults down the stairs and throwing things down.

He wants me to go and do it for him but I have told him I will not do it, I will help but when he asks me nicely.p rather than screaming at me and calling me names.

I have tried grounding, taking privileges away, early bed time, reward charts.

Every tiny thing he doesn't like gets this response or just a defiant, no I won't when asked to do anything.

Ignore.

Anything that gets broken doesn't get replaced, if you do that.

When he is completely calm have a chat about how nothing changes if he does this and the only one to get upset is him.

No sanction? I can't help but feel he shouldn't be getting away with this behaviour, it's getting the whole family down.

Some other friends just knocked for him, I told them he wouldn't be out again today and he's screaming, "YES I WILL, you can't stop me, IDIOT" he's 6 for goodness sake sad

Whogivesashit Wed 07-Aug-13 15:35:16

I would remove him from the bedroom and try a time out. Then explain to him that shouting, swearing etc is totally out of order. I would tell him if this behaviour carries on then there will be no fun things or toys etc. Tell him his behaviour will have consequences.

I certainly wouldn't let him be going out to play again today.

Sanctions depend on what affects him. If it's time on the computer then a ban on the session for that day.
If he makes a mess in his room when friends are round, then no friends in the house for 2 days/a week.

Don't take the insults to heart. He's just trying to get a reaction.

anklebitersmum Wed 07-Aug-13 15:46:08

Gently but firmly move him back into his room. With the no-nonsense face and a firm tone tell him that you will not be spoken to like that and that his room needs to be tidy before he goes to bed and shutting the door behind him leave him to it.

Toys that have landed downstairs go in the black bag, which I suspect you're going to need.

DO NOT tidy up with him. He made the mess he tidies up.

Personally I would impose a one day grounding for that kind of abuse too but would have that discussion when he's cooled off.

I can't get near him, I've just had the loft pole hurled down the stairs at my head. I'm going to have to wait for DP to get home and then remove everything from his room. DS3 is 9 months old and is terrified. sad

Cravingdairy Wed 07-Aug-13 15:49:04

How long has this been going on? Is he unhappy about something? Have there been any upheavals? How is he at school?

Upheavals, we've moved house recently and he has a newish baby brother. It's been a problem since we moved. We've tried talking to him, decorating the room to make him feel at home, seen old friends etc. he's fine at school.

anklebitersmum Wed 07-Aug-13 15:51:22

Titsalinabumsquash just wanted to say It's not just you.

We've had the "I hate you's", "You are a horrible Mummy", "I want to live with someone else", "Go away! You're MEAN" 's and others off DS2. He is now 7 and has finally learnt that however tempting it is to scream and shout and bang and throw things Mummy is a stubborn old Moo and just won't have it grin

anklebitersmum Wed 07-Aug-13 15:57:03

Titsalinabumsquash Ideally you have to get up there and stop him hurling stuff downstairs. If you wait for DP and then let him deal you give him the impression that you are fair game for this kind of behaviour.

Is there a neighbour you can call to oversee the little ones downstairs so you can fix your face on 'grim' and get up there? Failing that, when DP comes home you deal with him and DP stay with 9 month old so as not to usurp your authority.

Yes DP will be watching the baby while I deal with him, he's a,ready come down and attacked DS1. I think he's calming Dan new but the upstairs is destroyed.

anklebitersmum Wed 07-Aug-13 16:08:26

Genuinely been there got the t-shirt with this..just stay strong, remember you have lots more practice at stubborn than him and follow through (even if it sets him off again) [eek]

Sending you positive vibes and a [G&T] wink

I'm going to remove the toys and told him he will not be gong out tomorrow.

anklebitersmum Wed 07-Aug-13 16:11:43

Good for you. Hope all is calmer for the rest of the day smile

GummyLopes Wed 07-Aug-13 16:34:58

It sounds awful and maybe getting too confrontational. It might not be worth having a battle about the tidyness of his room when he's probably tired and over-excited. I'd try and do something calming with him, not punishy.

He's calmed now, he's had dinner and I've calmly asked him to stay in his room until we can have a chat a bit later, he's in apologetic, quiet mode now, he knows what he's done isn't on but no doubt he'll do it again tomorrow over something trivial.

GummyLopes Wed 07-Aug-13 17:11:06

Exactly - over something trivial. Fighting about that kind of stuff isn't worth it.

Ok, so how would you deal with today's situation or for instance this morning after swimming..

"ds, can you jump in the car please"

"No, I don't want to go home."

"We'll we have to, wouldn't it be fun if we could stay and swim forever though? Unfortunately we need to be in for the parcel delivery so lets go home and get a drink."

"No, I won't. You can't make me."

This is what I get with everything and anything, I honestly don't know how to deal with it.

anklebitersmum Wed 07-Aug-13 17:20:29

GummyLopes you can't mean just let him throw that kind of tantrum with no consequences just because he doesn't want to do as he's been asked?

The punishment/sanctions have to be on the basis that he acts inappropriately when he does not want to do something. Not wanting to tidy up is fine..sulk and do it slowly. Throwing things, screaming and shouting etc etc in order to avoid doing it is not fine.

Glad he's calmer and 'gets it' Titsalinabumsquash got my fingers crossed for a nice, quiet evening and tomorrow for you grin

anklebitersmum Wed 07-Aug-13 17:22:52

cross posted..

I just used to say "yes I can" and in the car he used to go tantrum and all grin

in the house I'd deal as I said..and I had a portable naughty spot.

I am a mean, mean Mummy wink

This sounds just like my 6yo DS1. Consequences like taking away his computer time or toys don't work on him... I am yet to find something that does sad Good luck OP.

GummyLopes Wed 07-Aug-13 17:39:36

Oh, I don't know. I'm weary.

MissStrawberry Wed 07-Aug-13 17:45:40

I just wanted to say you are not alone flowers.

I have cracked in desperation and started a thread about mine.

My only advice would be to sort this now as it doesn't stop ime.

MyCatIsAStupidBastard Wed 07-Aug-13 18:04:24

In my experience you need to remain tough. I know it wont go down well in some places on MN, but someone throwing things at my head from the top of the stairs would have seen roaring mummy come out, a bloody good telling off and shut in room. After i had taken all the toys out. And no coming out for a good long time until all apologies given and room tidied up.

Sometimes you have to be bloody tough and they have to know they have gone too far.

It is such hard work when they are like that, but if it helps,DD is now 7 and half and we haven't really had one like that for about 8 months i think (but they were daily at one point, so so hard)

newryan Wed 07-Aug-13 20:28:09

OP I feel for you. I have a ds who sounds just like yours. I haven't always handled him well, and I've shouted and smacked sometimes which I'm not proud of. I also have 2 other dcs who are pretty easy to handle. Some dcs are just hard work. My ds is now 10 and could still kick off if he doesn't get things his way, although it is MUCH less frequent these days.

My ds just seems to feel everything to the extreme. When your ds is happy, is it really obvious? He wants control and power in every situation, and his mood dictates the atmosphere for the whole family. I've decided that I'm not taking any blame for the way he is, and also no credit for the improvements we've seen! However, I have found that a calm but firm and consistent approach has been the most effective. I also massively pick my battles. The book 123 Magic has been great - with the getting into the cat situation you described, I would use 123 with a consequence on 3 if he doesn't obey. It would depend on how much of a hurry I was in. Or I might wait until he asks for something he wants, then tell him "sure, you can have/do that as soon as you've done X"

We had an almost-tantrum this evening, just to give you an example of how things improve with these kind of kids as they mature and gain more control of their emotions. We went out for dinner with my parents. DS hardly ate any of his main course. I think he was wishing he'd ordered something different. After giving him a long time and warning him that he wasn't going to be ordering dessert if he didn't eat the main course (my parents paid so I was conscious of that too!) he decided to leave his food. Then he wanted dessert. His sisters had eaten well so they could order it, but I didn't let ds. There was a bit of a scene where he complained loudly and pretended to punch me (cue grandparents looking VERY awkward about people looking at us) then he ran outside to the playground. I think he knew he needed to calm himself down and that I would not give in. A couple of years ago that would have been a major meltdown lasting up to 2 hours. So although it would have been easier just to get him the dessert, I do think it's been the right decision to follow through, even though it's been so hard at times!

That was longer than planned, sorry!

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