What kind of parent are you?(52 Posts)
As im pregnant with my first child , I often wonder what kind of parenting style ill adopt.
I picture myself being authorative, but I hate the idea of being authoritarian, as in 'you cant have a biscuit because I SAID SO," and will try to reason and compromise the best I can. I believe in being consistent with discipline, and sticking to my word.
However I know this will probably be easier said than done, but this was the way I was brought up.
What kind of parent did you envision yourself being? Liberal? Authorative? Authoritarian? And did you stick to it? Do you bring your children up the same way as you were?
Please dont flame me for having an idea of how I think I would be as a parent- its all part of the fun for me and I appreciate that having children and thinking about being a parent are two different things. Just want to know what im in for
I thought I'd be a lot more authoritarian. I'm not. I'm a proper hippy. My dad is appalled
I allow far more than I ever thought I would.
Heh, me too Mycat - my mum was the "strict-but-loving" type and I assumed I'd be the same. I'm as soft as clarts, it's dreadful, I make myself cringe half the time with my liberal, baby-led indulgent hippy ways!
I don't think you can really know what sort of parent you'll be till your baby's born, and then you may completely surprise yourself.
I have 5 DC and I've found over the years that my style of parenting has changed according to the ages and personalities of my DC.
Also changes have occurred as I've got older and discovered different ways of dealing with situations.
I am one that gets by!
Did have some ideas before my daughter was born ie no choc ie milky bar when a toddler but did !My son fitted in as he was born when his sis was 5 so had to bung him in car for school run etc
They are great kids so glad made it up as I went along,winged it and did not give a .... to what other people say
Think the children are ok!
Had no idea. Still don't and he's 4.
I thought I would be strict and no-nonsense but my children have different ideas.
I think most people just cope. Those who do everything to the letter, with no flexibility, give their children weird issues imo. Everyone just does the best they can with the skills they have as parents - not a lot mostly.
I have a 7 week old and I'm surprised by how I'm parenting her. I knew I'd be protective, but I had read about feeding routines and things when I was pregnant and was keen to put something in place to make life easier. So protective but organised. Or something. It turned out that I couldn't breast feed, so started bottle feeding. Every midwife and my health visitor then said she would need to be fed every 3-4 hours. Riiiiight. Actually my DD couldn't go that long without food and stil can't. And so what. Sod the routine!
I try to explain why they can't, can, shouldn't, should. Just saying no or because I said so isn't enough. If your unlucky you will get an answer for everything child
looking at you DS
I expect manners and help with chores so I would say I'm a reasonable realist authoritarian type, if such a thing exists.
They are all lovely till they get to secondary school and make jokes about lap dancing cats at the dinner table, eyeballing DS again , no such nonsense from DD.
Not as perfect as I planned to be! Less authoritative, and for the first year I was very by the book, but I'm actually a lot more laid back than I thought, whilst still being a bit anxious over development, and not as firm as I should be. And I'm a bit pfb sometimes too!
I'm going to suffer, aren't I!
The opposite of my mum, who made me feel so endlessly, relentlessly criticised. I want my DD to feel unconditional love. So lots more positive reinforcement, a lot less criticism. I hope!
No idea. Wing it mostly and make a mess of it more often than not. No good with routines. I hope they feel loved
DD is only 19 weeks old so I don't know really. I do know I am quite organised as a parent (which is hardly a surprise as I am MRS ANAL in all , other aspects of my life), I try to engage with her as much as possible, but recognise when she wants to be left alone - the signs are obvious, she just avoids my eye.
Authoritarian doesn't sit well with me - I think everyone's different and there's no reason to suppose all children or babies are the same either.
Very hot on manners, blase about routines, not even remotely organised, and try to explain rather than saying 'because I'm bigger/ I said so'.
It amuses me to look back at my pregnant self swearing I'd be 'dark green' - reuseable/no nappies, no toys, long walks in the forest, digging the garden for recreation, hand-made clothes.. Well, we do some gardening, I suppose!
I'm with myliferocks. They need different things as they grow and as you discover just how many things there are for which you have no answer...
I never knew. I thought I'd hate children, the loss of control and so on...and I do hate that, but in terms of style, well, I'm very honest with them. Probably far TOO honest.
I think I overshare. Which I am working on. I also swear a lot, things are very much to the surface, I mean they know when I'm cross and they know when I am happy...we talk about EVERYthing.
So we wing it together really. We meet obstacles and we deal with them, not always in the best way, but we do try. I am always trying to be funny as well, which at present they find quite funny but I know that won't last.
Also I had very laid back parents who never shouted much, never told me what to do, there was some guidance but not enough and I really floundered about hopelessly with my social skills and everything else.
So I intend to give my children the benefit of the knowledge I have now - at nearly 40 - because I learned it the hard, and stupid, way. They deserve someone who will say 'No that is a fucking terrible idea' when they are 17 and want to buy a camper van and live in it.
not that I ever did that, oh no hmmm
Also I forgot to say. My parents never hugged me much. There was again a bit of physical affection but my mum said she couldn't feel any love for me till I was about 20. (she was nice but she didn't feel it iyswim)
So I hug mine a lot, not always at bedtime (too chaotic, there isn't always time before they have crashed out) and not always at other times either but when I want them to know I love them, I don't hold back.
I'm pretty rubbish really. But I'm good at the baby stage, that is VERY much baby led, never left to cry, co sleeping, BF till 4 etc etc. Babies need this stuff the most I think.
With dd1 I read far too many books and listen too well to the people who didn't really know my baby, that went out of the window by 2 months because it just wasn't working... Surprisingly!! We eventually cobbled something of a routine together and although, I'm very strict on behaviour and showing her what I find acceptable and what I expect of her when she is at school/grans etc, the rest I'm pretty chilled with,
Dd2 has been a lesson well learnt. While dd1 never needed sleep training / night weaning / medical assistance with anything other than SALT when she was 3, dd2 has needed so much extra care! Hip problems, problems feeding, weight gain or rather, lack of, problems weaning.... Let's not even start on the sleep issues... It's been rough so I'm winging it, I have a rough routine that generally fits in with life.
I'm 25 wks pg with ds1 and I'm hoping and praying he is like dd1 and not like dd2! Although, considering I've already been in hospital 3 times with this pg, I am not counting my chickens just yet!
I thought I'd be a consistent, warm mum but actually I am better at it than I thought I would be. And I love them SOOOOO much more than I thought I would. Seeing them just melts me and they make both DH and I so happy.
I read all the routine books and I knew (personality wise) that a planned/routine approach would work best for me and DH. And luckily it did. DH and I talked about a lot of stuff up front and knew each other's ground-rules. For example, neither of us were keen on co-sleeping or having a baby in our room, and both of us were comfortable with supplementary formula feeds.
I do most things I thought I would (they had cloth nappies, were exposed to lots of books and music, I went back to work relatively quickly, we used homebased care rather than nursery).
One area of divergence from plan was that I didn't BF my babies as long as I had originally planned. But long enough (11 months).
My mum was a WONDERFUL mum but far more go with the flow than I'll ever be. And a key difference between my approach and my mothers is how much involvement my DH has with our kids (heaps) compared to my dad's (essentially zero, even at weekends).
I try very hard to show my dc affection so lots of hugs, telling them I love them etc. as I never had that growing up.
I do feel that I have to be a parent rather than a friend...they have friends.
They need me to be someone who sets boundaries, reward good behaviour and help them understand that bad benhaviour is not acceptable.
I also try very hard To instill manners and self esteem.
So I would say I am a mixture of both...authoritarian and go with the flow.
Worked for us.
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