Leaving your baby with other people?

(46 Posts)
beckslovestimmy Sun 14-Apr-13 21:05:57

At what age did you start to leave your baby with anyone other than your partner. My mother keeps going on about it to me saying that if I don't do it now my daughter won't want to be with anyone else once she's older. (She's 13weeks old, I will be going back to work when she's a year old). I suspect this is more down to the fact that my mother wants her to herself, which in its self I find a bit strange. What are your thoughts/experiences. AIBU to not want to leave my baby, people keep saying 'you must need a break' I don't, I live being with her??? Sorry for the long post smile

beckslovestimmy Sun 14-Apr-13 21:06:35

Love not live! Stupid phone !

WhatAGoat Sun 14-Apr-13 21:11:29

I have left dd twice since she was born she is now 8 months old. The first time was a 2 weeks ago the second was today. There is something about babies that make people crazy just say you're not ready just yet

marzipananimal Sun 14-Apr-13 21:13:34

your Mum is talking rubbish! I didn't leave DS with anyone apart from DH for ages and hadn't had more than a couple of hours away from him until he was over 1 year old. He's 2 now and spent a whole weekend with my parents recently and was absolutely fine - didn't seem to miss us at all. He loves having babysitters and goes happily to nursery.
Don't do it until you feel ready. There's no rush

I have always let my parents, the inlaws and close family members look after my dc.

MsDeerheart Sun 14-Apr-13 21:19:22

my mum babysat in the evening for a couple of house when DC were about 4 months for a couple of hours - didn't leave them until 6 months or so in the day - there is no rush

Sheshelob Sun 14-Apr-13 21:21:48

What is it about grannies and wanting their grandchildren all to themselves? When my son got older I found it easier to let them have that time together. And it is actually really nice. He might only eat ice cream and go to bed hours too late, but he is blissfully happy and has a real bond with his granny. But he's a toddler now, so ANY time away is wonderful!!

Re: time away - YANBU - 13 weeks is still pretty young. I don't think I left my DS with anyone other than DH before he was three months old, and then only occasionally until i went back to work when he was 6 months old. My thinking was he'd be ok with it when I was ok with it, and that has followed. There is no timescale.

beckslovestimmy Sun 14-Apr-13 21:21:54

Thanks for your replies. I'm certainly not ready, I've left DD with my sister in law twice which has been ok but I get stressed being away from her and just want to get back to her as soon as possible. If I have to leave her with anyone it would be my sister in law as she has 3 young children so recent experience. My parents haven't had any experience with babies for 30years and some of the advice they come out with concerns me. Also my mother questions everything I do with DD so I don't think she'd follow our routine so I feel even having a few hours off would just upset our routine and be harder work when I get home.

FortyFacedFuckers Sun 14-Apr-13 21:22:07

I didn't leave DS at all until he was 15 months and that was only because I had to, just tell your mum you are not ready to leave the baby yet. Don't feel bad and don't let them put pressure on you.

catlady1 Sun 14-Apr-13 21:23:39

My MIL took DD for a couple of hours when she was two weeks old. It felt wrong but I didn't want to say no to her, and thought I might enjoy the peace, but I just sat and cried and watched the clock! That was two weeks ago, she's mentioned having her again but I keep getting DP to fob her off. She's not pushy about it or anything, I think she thinks it's normal and a favour to us but I can't relax when she's not here.

My own mum keeps banging on about having her but neither of us drive, so by the time I'd dropped DD off with my mum, got her settled and got home again (she lives about half an hour's walk away) it wouldn't be worth it, unless she had her all day or all night, which I wouldnt want at the moment.

DD is breastfed at the moment so that limits us a bit anyway. She'll take the odd bottle of expressed milk but it would take forever for me to pump enough for a full day/night worth of feeds, and I wouldnt want to risk her getting too fond of bottles by giving them to her all day. I don't want to always be reluctant to leave her but I definitely feel like it's way too early now.

motherinferior Sun 14-Apr-13 21:24:25

I went back to work when DD1 was four months old. She went to a fabulous childminder three, then four days a week. Had no qualms at all. In fact it was a huge relief to leave her.

nannynick Sun 14-Apr-13 21:24:38

I have cared for babies aged from 3 days old. I have done over-night care of 2 week old twins.

I do not think that any parent finds it easy to leave their child in the care of someone else the first few times they do it, or even once they have done it a few times... it is always a little bit of a worry. It really depends on who you leave them with.

You may find it easier to leave your daughter with a very experienced childcarer, than with your own mum, as your mum may not have cared for a baby for many years, whereas an experienced childcarer may be doing it on a regular basis.

Trust your instincts, do not feel pressured by anyone. If you are going to use childcare at some point, then do introduce it over a period of time if you can - perhaps start with a couple of hours in the evening with a reliable local babysitter who you and your daughter get to know.

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 14-Apr-13 21:30:48

You have to wait until you are ready and feel comfortable with it. I left DS with my sister for about 3 or 4 hours when he was 3 months old, that was the first time I think. Then didn't until he was about 8 months, because I had no reason to.

If you don't feel like someone will follow your preferences then it's best to avoid either until the baby is old enough to cope with a change in routine, or just avoid the times which might be an issue. E.g. I wouldn't have left DS with anyone at bedtime if I thought they might leave him to cry, but now he's 4 it's not an issue any more.

You are EVIL motherinferior grin

DuelingFanjo Sun 14-Apr-13 21:32:34

I started leaving my son with my mum for short periods and building up to a whole day at about 8 months old as I knew I would be returning to work at 10 months and he would be with her for one day a week. We did it gradually and it all worked out fine. My mum didn't pressure me to have him at any point and still doesn't now. If you feel uneasy about it then don't do it.

BackforGood Sun 14-Apr-13 21:32:46

With dc1, I was desparate for some dental work they'd not wanted to do while I was pregnant, so Mum had him then for a couple of hours, a couple of weeks in. I've never had any issues with leaving any of them with trusted people though.

I do wonder - and I'm not having a go - but it often crosses my mind on threads where people say they've never left their child with anyone and the are many, many months, or even years old, what they would do when there is some emergency when they have to leave them, and, at a time when they are already very stressed / upset, they are then adding into the mix the first time that they leave their child ?

motherinferior Sun 14-Apr-13 21:33:28

Franca, I cannot express the sheer feeling of relief strongly enoughgrin

I felt me again.

OpheliasWeepingWillow Sun 14-Apr-13 21:37:31

At 6 weeks I left her with DH so I could get a haircut.

At 7 months I left her with nanny so I could go away for the day.

Otherwise... Never. I work from home and she is with the nanny but I am always just feet away blush

beckslovestimmy Sun 14-Apr-13 21:38:52

I don't like feeling like it, I feel I should be able to trust my mum but I already have issues with her going back to my childhood so that doesn't help. If I had to leave her in an emergency then I would hope DH would be around, if not I'd go to my SIL. In time ill have to leave her with mum as I'm sure she'll help out with child care when I'm back at work but at the mo were just getting used to our routine and DD is sleeping through the night and I don't want to undo my hard work. Almost all DD's care is down to me as DH does shift work. So I'm the one stable factor in her life and I think she needs that.

I soooo understand MI grin.

rrreow Mon 15-Apr-13 14:06:14

About 3 months old with SIL who was also looking after him during the day (upstairs while we worked from home). So he was definitely very comfortable with her. I felt happy leaving DS with her at that point for a few hours (as for all intents and purposes us being out was pretty similar to us being downstairs).

I would definitely say though that this is different for everyone and if you are not comfortable, then don't feel forced into it by anyone. The thing about not being able to leave her with anyone later on if you don't start it now is just absolute nonsense.

In my opinion it's important to let your baby build up relationships with others while you are actually there too.

Jakeyblueblue Mon 15-Apr-13 18:03:23

I left ds twice for about an hour before I went back to work when he was one. Didn't even really leave him with dh. He was totally fine. I was the same as you, plus he was a big hungry boy and wanted the boob every 5 mins. I didn't see the point of keep leaving him with people as I loved being with him so much. I was often quite pressured about it, comments like 'don't you trust us' from the inlaws, but I just did what I felt right.
Work three days a week now and that's the only time I leave him still. Has no effect whatsoever on him, other than he's a very happy, healthy, loving and content little boy. Ignore them.

Chocoflump Mon 15-Apr-13 18:07:16

I have only ever left 3yo DS with my mum, and have never left 8mo DD with anyone apart from DH.

The thought of DS going to pre school in September fills me with dread sadsadsad

amothersplaceisinthewrong Mon 15-Apr-13 18:11:30

Three weeks with grandparents for an evening when DH and I went out for a NY Eve party (years ago)e

About a week old left DS with DH for an afternoon.

At eight weeks left DS for two nights with DH as I had to go to my grandmothers funeral 250 miles away and it was the easiest option!

ButtonBoo Mon 15-Apr-13 19:21:30

I left DD with my Mum for a few hours starting when she was 6mo. I was still bf so it was only whilst I got my hair cut or for my mum to take her for a walk etc.

My mum was a childminder and always said that she'd rather get a child at 6-8 mo as after that they started with the seperation anxiety.

I went back to work when dd was 10mo. My mum has her two days a wk and she goes to nursery on the other days. It was ok leaving her with my mum on those days as by then she was used to her but she took a while to settle at nursery.

Your dd is still so young. Don't worry about it for now!

GiveMeVegemite Mon 15-Apr-13 19:59:58

My son is 10 months and hasn't left my side yet! I dread the day.....

Kiwiinkits Tue 16-Apr-13 03:55:09

At about 4 months old I started leaving my youngest DD for an hour or two at the most. By 6 months she was with her nanny for the entire day. She's 1 and I've never been away from her overnight.
My older DD was 6 months before she was away from me for a day and 17 months before she was away from me for a night.

Twinklestarstwinklestars Tue 16-Apr-13 04:20:36

I've only left ds aged 3.4 a couple of times for a few hours, (and am always with him in the day) he started nursery in jan and was absolutely fine. Do what feels right for you don't be pushed into it.

matana Tue 16-Apr-13 13:58:11

DS was about 10 weeks old i think and i left him with my sister at our house. It was only for an evening for a 40th birthday party. I had to leave him when he was only a few weeks old so i could buy a Christmas present for my DH, but it was for about 1.5 hours with my mum. At 2.5 he has stayed overnight at my parents and sisters about 3 times. I have never left him with anybody other than immediate family because he doesn't know anybody as well as he knows them - and i include my mil in that.

MortifiedAdams Tue 16-Apr-13 14:00:46

So you will leave dd with your dm when she is providing free childcare but not for the sheer joy of one to one time with her grandchild?

Jakeyblueblue Tue 16-Apr-13 14:23:47

Not sure which one of us you were referring to but in my case, yes, that's pretty much it.
I wasn't fortunate enough to be able to be a stay at home mum. Every minute of that first year was precious, and there was no way I was missing any of it if there wAsnt a damn good reason.
Even now I've returned to work, I never leave him outside those hours. I miss out on enough as it is.

daytoday Tue 16-Apr-13 14:54:51

I think its is very natural and wonderful to feel the way you do. I have loved experiencing that solid attachment and wonderful protective, almost animal, need to be close to my children when they are young.

It does fade naturally. But only when you are ready! I really miss it now. Its part and parcel of having a baby.

I have friends who have left very young babies but they felt fine about it. I have friends who rarely leave their teens with anyone - and that is fine too.

Own your own experience of being a mother. Everything will happen very naturally - you do not need to feel bad or convinced otherwise.

WinkyWinkola Tue 16-Apr-13 15:56:05

Just don't if you don't want to.

Don't be pressured.

Goldmandra Tue 16-Apr-13 16:24:19

There is no right or wrong or any particular way you should feel.

If you want to leave your baby with someone because you would like a break or because you're happy to give that person what they want then go ahead. If you're not happy you are under no obligation to do it.

It won't make a jot of difference to whether the baby is happy to go later on or not.

Like nannynick says, follow your instincts.

edwardsmum11 Tue 16-Apr-13 19:34:15

Left edward at 6 months with in laws for a couple of hours and overnight at 14months. Only been left a few times with them other than those times and never with anyone else and he is almost 20 months. I still find it hard to be away from him.

aufaniae Tue 16-Apr-13 19:49:34

I left DS with my sister at 5 months because we'd naively booked tickets to see one of my favourite bands before actually having DS, assuming that 5 months was plenty of time!

My sister lives right next to the gig venue, and I was only gone 4 hours, but it was a big deal! I enjoyed the gig, but I certainly won't be arranging anything that early now DC2 is on the way. I didn't leave DS again till he was about 1 I think (apart from with DP!)

DS is now 4.4. He's a happy, confident little boy who is absolutely happy to be left with other people. The other day for example, we tried out the creche in Ikea (DS has been to both nursery and a CM but I've never left him with a bunch of total strangers before). DP and I both went with him, in case he needed reassurance or changed his mind about going. But he raced through the gate without so much as looking back at us!

I fully subscribe to the idea that the more secure you make your DC feel when little (e.g. lots of cuddles, and generally doing stuff that makes your DCs feel safe and loved but which other people say is "making rod for your own back") the more secure they will be when they're older.

Your mum has an agenda, don't feel rushed! She will just have to wait!
However it's worth considering that you will probably appreciate her keenness when your DD is a bit older. MIL would look after DS in a heartbeat if only she wasn't 500 miles away. My own mum is within traveling distance but rarely wants to help out with babysitting type stuff. As a result we have no informal childcare / family support and therefore no social life to speak of any more! I really wish we did have family nearby who wanted to be involved.

MammaMia8 Thu 18-Apr-13 12:49:55

I left my DD at less than six weeks as we had tickets booked for a show way before I was pregnant only 5 miles from the house. I left her with my Mum and she was fine (both mum and DD!!) My not by law mother in law keeps on saying about leaving DD with her. She is 5 months now and I am still not really comfortable with that. You know in your heart who you are comfortable with and when and you should not let people pressure you or guilt you into it.

sparklekitty Fri 19-Apr-13 17:29:25

Appart from the half hour/hour away at docs or physio today was the first time. I left her for 3 hours and she had an uber meltdown. She's almost 7m. Felt rubbish but I had to go into work so couldn't be helped.

benitsy Mon 22-Apr-13 12:36:20

My Mum had to have my son at 5 weeks old overnight as my partner had a bone scan and baby wasn't allowed to be around the radiation afterwards. It was a long night! Unfortunately my partner has advanced cancer and baby has been left twice with a very close family friend for a few hours whilst we go to appointments. He's now 9 weeks old and will need to be spending a few hours with people other than us and Mum whilst my partner has treatment. I hope this will help baby feel really safe and comfortable as he's growing with our immediate circle of friends.

wiltingfast Mon 22-Apr-13 18:16:18

Hmm, seems just a little extreme to me. But you say you're not ready so fair enough. But I don't think you'd be unreasonable to let your mum mind her for a bit and it is really nice for her to have your dd for a bit on her own. Would develop her confidence too and help ensure your dd will be happy and comfortable with her and have a strong relationship with her when you do go back to work. Esp if you are hoping she will help out with child care.

I don't see anything strange in your mum wanting to do that btw.

So yanbu but you should not dismiss it either!

AmberSocks Mon 17-Jun-13 09:36:08

my first baby when he was about 3 months old,i actually went back to work full time,my mum looked after him,i went to work about 5 hen he was still asleep,he wpke at 7ish,my mum looked after him til 2 ish.I only managed two weeks back at work though as i missed him too much and physically it was too much for me.

He is 5 now and i never left him after that,he started school last year and that was the first time hes ever been away from me!he skipped in,happy as larry!You would think he would be clingy but its had the opposite effect,he seems so confident,and i think it could be because he know i am always there for him.

AmberSocks Mon 17-Jun-13 09:38:20

i hae had 3 others since then and never really left them with anyone,not because im against it or anything,ijust dont feel like i need a break,if i was struggling i would for sure.It just doesnt occur to me?

I dont really get this this thing about mothers "having them" ?is it a northern thing?a class thing?we just dont do that really.it seems odd to me.

Signet2012 Mon 17-Jun-13 09:42:47

Started leaving dd regularly at 8 months. Two hours three times a week with the grandparents.

She wasn't ready before that. She is ebf and was a very clingy baby. Everyone told me I needed her to get used to it but I didn't budge.

Now she goes happily with grandparents and waves and enjoys her time whilst out and about. I am quite certain that I made the right decision.

minitoot Mon 17-Jun-13 22:01:33

I've always left my baby with my parents, and have also left him for an afternoon with very good friends (who have teenage kids) from when he was 6 months. But you should just do what you feel comfortable with, don't let your mum pressure you into something you're not keen on. I don't think she's right that she'll never want to stay with other people, that doesn't make any sense to me. If you love being with your daughter all the time, lucky you, enjoy it! smile

QueenOfCats Mon 17-Jun-13 22:07:11

From a different perspective - my DNephew is 11 months old. I love him to bits, but have never ever been left alone with him or even taken him in the buggy to the end of the road sad

I feel quite hurt, as if DB and DSil don't trust me.

Having said that, I would never let on to them, he is their baby and they must do what THEY feel is right, and if someone (ie me) doesn't like it then tough.

It does upset me tho blush

lovelyredwine Mon 17-Jun-13 22:13:09

It depends what you mean- for a whole day- not until I went back to work and my dd was 12 months. For a few hours- my mil and mum both took her for walks in the pram/sat about with her asleep on them (whilst I slept upstairs!) etc from a few weeks old.

She was ebf and a bottle refuser though, so I couldn't leave her for more than a few hours until she was on cows milk during working hours. She's never stayed away from home overnight and she's 2.5 now.

Do whatever makes you and your dd happy. I have friends whose dc stayed with relatives overnight from a few weeks old, and other friends whose dc have never stayed away from home overnight at 6 years old. All perfectly happy children.

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