6 month old hates me

(64 Posts)
joanna1985 Wed 27-Mar-13 20:45:47

Im a first time mum and My 6 month old is teething and crys with me like he crys with no one else. When its just us two in the house unless i entertain him all of the time he gets irritable then he wont let me put him down. Wants to be held all the time and screams when i put him down. It's making me think i don't give him enough good attention but sometimes i just want to have a minute to read a paper or make a cup of tea. Does that make me a crap mummy? Honestly? Then when i bring him to my mums hes all smiles and laughs and she says i dont know how lucky i am to have a good baby. Today he screamed cos i put him in the pram and walked for 20 mons. I couldnt lift him out cos it was snowing and he got in such a state and was sobbing, my mum was so shocked said dont let him cry like that. Its making me think he must just hate me sad

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Wed 27-Mar-13 20:55:08

He cries more when with you because you're his main person. He thinks you can solve everything!

Just cuddle him as much as possike when he is sad, even if you can't solve the problem he will feel that you care.

Very common for babies to be horribly clingy with mum especially.

He loves you.

CognitiveOverload Wed 27-Mar-13 20:56:17

He doesn't hate you. Do you tend to pick him up every time he cries? Do you feel he cries for attention or do you feel he might be in discomfort? If he is happy with others. It might be that he cries in order to be picked up...because it works. Are you breast feeding? What is your usual response to his crying when youre alone with him?

CognitiveOverload Wed 27-Mar-13 20:57:47

Teething will make him cry for comfort because he feels better when you respond to him. He's only young. Does he sleep and eat ok?

awwwwmannnn Wed 27-Mar-13 21:02:07

oh huni, of course your little one doesn't hate you, he loves you more than anything and you are the one person he relies upon more than anyone else. he likes to be close to you and when you put him down he misses you. wanting a minute to do something for yourself does not make you a bad mother in any way shape or form, your human not a machine!!!

babies are always different around other people then they are with you, its a fact of life, not a sign he doesn't love you. he sees you all day everyday, you are his comfort, his familarity that helps him be who he is. when they see someone else its like wooo hooo more attention.

i used to say the same about my DD, everyone else always seemed to manage to settle her/make her laugh/do things with her better than i could. i swear sometimes she would cry if i wanted to cuddle her.

now (she's 2.4) the bond between us couldn't be any stronger, she's upset or anything and she wants me and i'm perfectly capable of settling her now lol

don't beat yourself up, 6 months is still young and its hard work and stressful at times. maybe your baby is picking up on this a little bit. easier said than done i know but just relax and don't give yourself a hard time, if you do have to put your baby down to do something, put him near you and carry on talking to him or singing to him anything so that he knows you are still around.

big hugs xx

JiltedJohnsJulie Wed 27-Mar-13 21:03:49

It's very common for them to cry for mum and then be smiley when distracted, whether that's with your mum, at a playgroup or with friends.

What are you giving him for the teething? Have you tried ibuprofen and a teething gel like dentinox?

He doesn't hat you either, if he did, why wouldn't he want to be put down? He loves you, you are his world.

MajaBiene Wed 27-Mar-13 21:04:08

Teething 6 month olds want to be carried - it's normal, and doesn't mean he hates you (quite the opposite!).

It's fine to put him down with some toys while you make a cuppa - just put him where he can see you. Have you thought about using a sling? You can put him on your back and still do things round the house.

2BoysAndNoMore Wed 27-Mar-13 21:04:16

Aww he certainly does not hate you! Did you know that babies who cry more for their mum's are atually believed to be more securely attached than those who don't cry? Without wanting to bore you, studies have shown and phsychologists believe that far from hating you, he is showing you he trusts you and knows you are the person to show his true feelings to. Honestly, he does not hate you. Also, they all cry loads, don''t think your baby is the only one. Behind closed doors we're all going through the same thing. My 15 month old has spent the evening grizzling and screaming anytime I put him down or my husband left the room. Different phases, separation anxiety, teething all result in yet more crying and fussing. It will get better. x

joanna1985 Wed 27-Mar-13 21:09:58

I used to pick him up everytime he cried when he was really little so its probably me own fault. My partner said i pick him up too much. it used to be more of a whinge than a full on cry but now its a proper cry and he stops as soon as hes lifted and smiles so i know there is nothing actually wrong with him. ive read all this stuff about never leaving a baby to cry cos they lose trust in you and they need love and attention etc so i feel like shit if i do let him cry..then i feel guilty for being annoyed at him when hes only a baby. You read all this stuff about babys picking up on stress aswell...hes a great eater and sleeps ok too. still takes a bottle in the middle of the night but goes to bed at 7.30/8pm. My mum is really making me feel 100 times worse and he is so so good when around family he never crys so i think they think im exaggerating..

ilovepicnmix Wed 27-Mar-13 21:12:29

He doesn't hate you! Coincidentally I've felt like this today with my 9 mo. I feel like he's bored of me as he's always happier if we're out or if we have visitors. He just wants to be lifted all the time. It's bloody hard having a baby! I reckon the reason he is all smiles with other people is because he knows he is so loved by you and he therefore is v secure.

MajaBiene Wed 27-Mar-13 21:13:04

You are supposed to pick up babies when they cry! That's how they are designed - it's not your "fault".

joanna1985 Wed 27-Mar-13 21:15:21

Thanks awman that makes sense, sometimes i feel like everyone that has babys my age a either super mums or putting up a facade.

Iv been giving him anbesol and ibuprofen , he is in alot of pain, pulling allsorts of weird faces. I just want him to calm down. I think he gets bored with me sometimes nd i am too tired some days to be an entertainer

ilovepicnmix Wed 27-Mar-13 21:16:22

I have never left mine to cry and have never doubted myself about that. If he's consoled by you picking him up then why wouldnt you do that? He's just a wee thing and he's not going to want cuddles for ever. Im no expert but soon he'll be crawling etc and he'll be too busy zooming off!

CognitiveOverload Wed 27-Mar-13 21:16:24

Sounds like...from what you've said that he does it to be picked up. Of course use your own judgement but if he screams and gets picked up then he will continue to do it. At 6 months, you can probably reduce the picking up to allow him to be comfortable to explore with you close by but not in your arms. Maybe try picking him when he is content rather than when he cries. So he learns you will pick him up even if he's not crying...

JiltedJohnsJulie Wed 27-Mar-13 21:17:59

You can't hug a baby too much. You sound like you are doing a really good job, you just need a bit more confidence in yourself and how you look after your baby.

Could you have a talk with Dh and tell him why you cuddle DS? You really haven't made a rod for your own back, there's no such thing. The only baby I know who was left to cry still has anxiety problems and wakes each night at 8, not months, that's years shock

Have you got some time for yourself too (maybe a yoga class smile). Do you go to any groups like the ones at your children's centre? I found mine were less irritable if we got out for a couple of hours and I felt better for being out of te house, having a cuppa and a bit of adult conversation.

joanna1985 Wed 27-Mar-13 21:25:15

Yeah jjj hes way better when we are out for a bit its just if hes stuck in the house with me he gets really irritable. Thats y i was thinking hes starting to hate me. I go to a wee swimming class with him and he loves it!

I know he wants picked up all of the time but i cant hold him at all times can i?, i need to get dressed/ go to the loo and eat and sometimes i dont want to be carrying him every second of the day its exhausting. But thats what he wants.

MajaBiene Wed 27-Mar-13 21:25:17

Babies cry so you will pick them up... because they can't say "Mummy I am tired/sad/bored and really need a cuddle please".

joanna1985 Wed 27-Mar-13 21:27:38

Because picnmix i cant carry him every minute of the day. Sometimes he has to go in his pram and hes even started crying cos he he wants me to lift him out

bvmsmummy Wed 27-Mar-13 21:32:13

My heart went out to you reading this! I know how you feel, I have days when I can hardly lift myself off the floor because my LO is so fussy / clingy / crying - it can really get to me! But he really doesn't hate you. From chatting to other Mums its very common to feel like that but as far as I / my friends can tell its a lot to do with boredom, some babies just like a change of scene.

I had two thoughts that might help a bit. One was with your Mum / other people - is it possible that, even though he is no doubt loving her company and I'm sure she has the very best of intentions, that he maybe gets a bit wound up and over excited? That happens with my DS and he does often have a big melt down afterwards (I always think about being a teenager and not knowing when to stop partying and imagine its a bit like that!?). There might not be much you can do about that except look out for it and feel assured that its not your fault.

The other is - have you read / heard about The Wonder Weeks? Its a book / app that tells you about baby developmental growth spurts i.e. times when they are learning new things and their brain is changing and at these times they can get really, really hard work. The book is based on 35 years of research and I find it insanely accurate and totally invaluable. Every time I hit a point when I think I am going mad with the strain I remember to check and sure enough its exactly the time he is expected to be like this. Therefore I know it will end soon. You can see more here: http://www.thewonderweeks.com/

Good luck!

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Wed 27-Mar-13 21:35:18

You can't cuddle a baby too much, of course you need the loo etc but apart from that, just sit on the sofa and cuddle! The teething will pass.

MorphsMum Wed 27-Mar-13 21:40:30

My first baby wouldn't stand the pram - tried a sling? Lifesaving, you can read the paper, have a cup of tea (carefully!) AND hold baby with a sling!

joanna1985 Wed 27-Mar-13 21:51:06

Bvms i just downloaded the app for that and it said hes going through a fussy period and learning about distances smile that is so weird that its this exact week!

Thank you xx

CognitiveOverload Wed 27-Mar-13 21:52:27

Contrary to popular belief, you are allowed to go to the toilet and leave him to cry. Ultimately your decision but imo at 6 months he does not need to held every minute of the day.

CognitiveOverload Wed 27-Mar-13 21:53:48

At 6 months babies need to start exploring their surroundings...

MajaBiene Wed 27-Mar-13 21:54:21

Of course you can put them down to go to the toilet! I don't think anyone has suggested otherwise.

MajaBiene Wed 27-Mar-13 21:55:04

Babies need the secure attachment to their mothers it order to use her as a base for explorations...

joanna1985 Wed 27-Mar-13 21:56:09

C.O i dont think he should be held all the time either i think i should be trying to teach him to relax on his own in his jumper or highchair .It would stress us both out being permanently stuck to eachother. Im going back to work in june as well so hope he calms down.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Wed 27-Mar-13 21:58:05

Cognitive - I think you are talking old fashioned nonsense, that 'babies cry to manipulate you into picking them up' stuff went out with the ark.

Once he's not teething he will want to explore, til then, what is nicer than a cuddle?

Iggly Wed 27-Mar-13 21:58:19

Sorry cognitive but you make this baby sound manipulative hmm

OP - try and get out of the house as much as you can. You don't have to constantly entertain your baby. I used to go out once a day for reasons of sanity.

Was he warm enough in the pushchair? It's bloody cold so needs wrapping up - imagine how cold you'd be if you sat down outside. So plenty of layers. Make sure he's fed too.

What are his naps like? He could be overtired hence the grumbles.

Iggly Wed 27-Mar-13 22:01:04

Yellow said it better than me!

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Wed 27-Mar-13 22:02:26

Why does a 6mo need to relax on his own? Even if you are going to work he will be cared for by a responsive carer. Babies need to be responded to for a long time.

joanna1985 Wed 27-Mar-13 22:03:39

He fights his sleep a wee bit i try to catch the signs though.

he had just had a nap when he was crying today and had a load of blankets on and his cover n stuff up. Maybe once these two bottom teeth come up he will calm down.

jkklpu Wed 27-Mar-13 22:07:34

Do you have a comfortable sling?

joanna1985 Wed 27-Mar-13 22:09:18

Yellow I want to help him feel relaxed sitting on his own because it will make life easier and happier for us both when he feels content to sit and play while i wash the bottles or what ever ineed to do imstead of a screaming match when i try to do something

joanna1985 Wed 27-Mar-13 22:09:57

No jkk but i think ill invest in one

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Wed 27-Mar-13 22:14:57

But Joanna, this is a tiny phase, it will pass. He will feel better. But you can't make someone else relax! So just wait a bit, save yourself the stress, and try again in a week.

CognitiveOverload Wed 27-Mar-13 22:15:08

Im not in any way saying he is manipulative. It is learned behaviour sometimes. I work with children in a psychological capacity.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Wed 27-Mar-13 22:16:37

It is still old fashioned nonsense even if you do work with children in a psychological cacpacity.


CognitiveOverload Wed 27-Mar-13 22:16:38

Op I agree with you. You know him, do what you feel works.

CognitiveOverload Wed 27-Mar-13 22:17:08

Its evidence based.

joanna1985 Wed 27-Mar-13 22:17:09

Yeah maybe.

i dunno this is my first baby.. I just want him to stop crying at me and being nice to everyone else lol

CognitiveOverload Wed 27-Mar-13 22:19:52

Its not easy... first child is always trial and error. But dont listen too much to us lot. Do what works for you both.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Wed 27-Mar-13 22:21:34

What evidence?

mummybare Wed 27-Mar-13 22:24:41

You could try going down to baby's level and comforting/playing without picking him up to see if that helps him feel more comfortable and maybe realise that he can feel good and have your attention even when he's not being carried. I think this may have had a similar effect on DD when I had a bad shoulder and just couldn't physically carry her around all day. Might be worth a try? (If he's teething and in pain, he will probably only settle for a cuddle, but if he carries on crying to be picked up and nothing seems to be wrong, perhaps...)

CognitiveOverload Wed 27-Mar-13 22:26:08

Do some reseach. Behavioural psychology.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Wed 27-Mar-13 22:28:09

Would you be kind enough to post the links since you know this stuff?

CognitiveOverload Wed 27-Mar-13 22:40:47

I would love to spend time doing your research for you so that you can tell me its a load of rubbish...smile. What you choose research and believe is up to you. I'm only here to give OP support. There's a lot of literature on learned behaviour. Antecedent, behaviour and consequence. ..abc of behaviour may get you started. Used routinely in schools, prisons, hospitals and with children who have SEN. Appears to apply at quite a basic level, even with animals. Its how our nervous systems have adapted to environmental stimuli. Again though, ultimately up to you what you believe.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Wed 27-Mar-13 22:48:45

Thanks for the tips.

Iggly Thu 28-Mar-13 14:29:21

Behavioural pyschology for 6 month old babies confused

Babies main way of communicating is by crying. So you respond by comforting. You don't think "oh that baby is trying to trick me into picking him/her up so I'll teach them" hmm

Or maybe you do.

BlissfullyIgnorant Thu 28-Mar-13 14:34:30

(((((You poor thing)))))

Try singing to him - something with the same rhythm as a heartbeat. He won't care if its out of tune, but he will like your voice.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Thu 28-Mar-13 15:51:55

Iggly - yes, I was hoping to be enlightened but the poster who knows all about this behavioural stuff doesn't want to elaborate.

joanna1985 Thu 28-Mar-13 17:52:48

So my mum took him last night and he was out and about all day today and hes loads better and i feel better to. Think i needed a wee break tbh. Being cooped up in the house together this week with the snow has probably bothered him as much as me! Thanks for all your replies. much appreciated smile

Iggly Thu 28-Mar-13 19:15:05

There's a surprise Yellow grin maybe they were using reverse physicology tactics on newborns or summat.

Glad you're feeling better OP. you really need to get out of the house when you've got a baby!!!! Otherwise you go md.

CognitiveOverload Thu 28-Mar-13 21:17:11

Nothing like a bit of open mindedness. I pointed you in the direction. If you are not interested, just say so. Don't try to put the blame on me. I'm sure you are capable or research. smile oh mn is full of enlightenment.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Thu 28-Mar-13 22:20:04

I am open minded, would happily read more, as you have stated there is loads of research surely you could just share it?

CognitiveOverload Thu 28-Mar-13 22:48:30

Or you could just Google? Its not a new fangled thing. Been around for a while and like I said its evidence based and therefore used widely by professionals.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Thu 28-Mar-13 22:56:10

But presumably you mean the articles that inform your psychological work?

CognitiveOverload Thu 28-Mar-13 23:01:21

Yes. But you have to be a member to access them. Here is a free resource. Dont shoot the messenger. Its accepted knowledge. http://synapse.org.au/get-the-facts/abc-approach-to-behaviour-fact-sheet.aspx

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Thu 28-Mar-13 23:17:10

I read the article but I still do not understand how it is relevant to a 6mo baby with toothache.

Iggly Fri 29-Mar-13 11:36:10

Agree Yellow. Not sure why you wouldn't give a 6 month old baby a cuddle on the premise that they're manipulating you into doing so.

When do babies get a sense of "self"? I thought that came at 9 months +?

joanna1985 Sat 30-Mar-13 09:00:59

Los 1st two teeth have appeared think that must have been making him worse! He seems in much better form

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue Sat 30-Mar-13 10:21:40

Glad he's feeling happier!

JiltedJohnsJulie Sat 30-Mar-13 14:35:09

That's such good news. The discomfort must have affected his behaviour, perhaps a lesson learned for next time? smile

mummy2lola Sat 30-Mar-13 15:27:07

Know ow you feel. My dd (5mo) is teething and has become clingy for me, as well as grumpy, but smiley for others- makes me feel exactly like you described. X

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