PLEASE HELP serious behavioural issues - mumma at breaking point

(32 Posts)
christiemamaof3 Tue 12-Mar-13 22:34:28

Hi mamas and papas (heres my novel please read although lengthy i need advice)

In this post i am desperate so i am being brutally honest, if you are a "PERFECT PARENT" probablly best not to read as it might offend or create judgement.

I am a mother of three i have a four year old a three year old and a 6 month old, naturally i am busy as a mother of three boys studying full time and being a wife.

However i feel a little more busy than some mums. i have recently started on zoloft 100mg and psychologist visits as i am extremely depressed. some of my symptoms include not being happy to wake up each day not looking forward to my mummy working day, being terrified for hubby to go to work as i dont want to have to deal with another day of my three year old kane.

It all started when he was around age one we noticed behavioural issues but kept writing them off as "fazes" "terrible twos" "middle child" we kept working on strategies and differet techniques to improve kanes behavious we have literally tried everything under the sun (i feel)

recently we have noticed normal changes "jealousy" when bubby nathanael came along etc but things just seem to get worse when one behaviour ends another starts and it has me at breaking point. I dont confide in family or friends because i wont hear anyone speak a bad word about kane (he is our beautil boy) how ever i need some answers, asking on here is "not so personal" i suppose.

some of the behaviours kane has that we are having great difficulty with are as follows.

-Wont wear clothes
-very fussy with foods, will try and will chew but will spit out anywhere.
-Pooing anywhere and everywhere and then smearing it if left alone, squishing into his toys etc, (just this morning he climbed onto the bench and poo'd and wee'd on there.
-obsessed with keys (this morning he got my handbag and keys and jumped in the car like he was ready to go)
-Tantrums and screaming fits as soon as he wakes (some lasting for up to an hour)
-If he wants something his mind is set on it.
-Climbing things - if i say he canot have something in the fridge he will kick punch climb the handles hang of the doors etc]
-Can be very intelligent in certain aspects eg. Can unlock car and start it, he know which keys are for which car.
-Can not transition well from say bath time to hoping out bath and getting dressed. or home now lets hop out of car, or okay we ae going out now lets hop in car. he hates leaving places yet he hates going places, he hated hi car seat so we changed it and got a bigger more comfortable one, and still he hates being in the car, he refuses to get in the car on a trip and kicks and screams bloody murder the whole way, then when we get home and get out he refuses when i finally get everyone inside and get him out he will spend another 45 minutes out side trying to open the handles kicking punching the car and throwing himself on the ground while raging.
-I find he loves to irritate mummy and daddy, he will do things hes not allowed to or he will hit or bite us, we tried the whole( any attention is god attention - what kane wants) so we tried stopping everything we were doing and giving him the attention he so desires this still didnt work.
-His emotions are extremeeeeeeeeee especially RAGE AND SENSITIVITY.
- He picks all the time old sores new sores or he will just make a sore.
- He will throw objects for NO reason phones glasses remote toys
-- Mood can change in secondds and can turn into AN EPISODE.
- Nothing we do will calm kane down, we cant hug or touch him, we have tried time out we have tried spanking and warnings we have tried positive reinforcement etc and nothing.
-He wakes up continuously during the night sometimes for hours. sometimes its as if hes stuck between asleep and being awake and will have fits like hes terrified of mama and papa and will run away from us and scream etc.
- wer have changed his diet to completely organic incase it was an additive he was reacting to, this did not change anything.
-He is repetitive like he wont learn from being told no or why he cant do somethign, despite having enough to eat he will continuously climb into pantry and fridge and freezer we could go back and forth 1000 times he is very head strong i often give up.
- i can clean his poo 3-4 times daily from anywhere and everywhere, he will NOt toilet train (toilet or potty) not even for daycare.
- He does not like to socialize or interact.
-Simply looking at him or saying no or talking to him can set him off into an "episode"
-He can be very cilingy but can also be very quiet and into what hes doing.
-he has a remote control car but wont drive it instead he will turn it upside down and just play with the wheels watching them go around and around.
-Hates doors being closed
-Doesnt learn simple things ie. we have a gravel driveway he constantly runs down and complains of sore feet but will not put shoes on.

Any help will be greatly appreciated.

thornrose Tue 12-Mar-13 22:37:30

Do you have an idea what the problem could be? Have you googled it at all?

stargirl1701 Tue 12-Mar-13 22:42:07

Is he at nursery or in childcare? If so, what does his teacher think?

Have you spoken to your GP? Has your HV observed his behaviour?

Have you looked for support at a Sure Start centre?

Have you considered the possibility of Special Needs?

JiltedJohnsJulie Tue 12-Mar-13 22:44:36

christie so sorry to hear you are depressed and struggling. It might be a good idea to ask Mn to move his thread to the special needs section, you may get a few more responses.

Hope someone comes along soon who can help. While you wait have a brew smile

thornrose Tue 12-Mar-13 22:46:07

Christie - as a rule I don't like giving advice about these things but you did say you are desperate. Have you thought about autistim?

thornrose Tue 12-Mar-13 22:47:25

Oh god, I meant to say autism obviously.

JiltedJohnsJulie Tue 12-Mar-13 22:50:31

X-posted.

thornrose Tue 12-Mar-13 22:52:46

I'll keep this thread on Watch, I do hope you come back, you can get so much help and support here.

Iatemyskinnyperson Tue 12-Mar-13 23:01:56

I think it would be of great benefit to get an Assesment for your ds. You've listed a couple of traits that would definately warrant that. I'm not in uk so can't advise how to begin the pricess, but I'm sure GP or HV could advise how to initiate.
Good luck to you.

hatgirl Tue 12-Mar-13 23:23:46

the things that stand out for me are the picking at his skin thing.... coupled with the irregular sleeping patterns. These are both characteristics of a syndrome called smith-magenis syndrome (link here)

don't get too caught up on the physical characteristics described (unless they jump out at you as being familiar), they are not always present.

christiemamaof3 Tue 12-Mar-13 23:28:13

i have but it could be multiple things i have made an app with paed but we are a low incom family so ca only afford a few visits well actually we cant afford it at all but we have to. we were on the public paed waiting list but thats 9 months

christiemamaof3 Tue 12-Mar-13 23:29:38

child care ive asked his teacher and he does dsplay some of these behaviours there but not all of them and she seems to think he pretty good for her how ever at home its completely different. what is sure start? i am definaely considering special needs

christiemamaof3 Tue 12-Mar-13 23:30:15

thank you i will

christiemamaof3 Tue 12-Mar-13 23:31:52

i have absolutely thought about autism maybe i should ask some parents in special needs section as i will have to wait to see the paed for diagnosis i have seen gp she just referred me : ) what do you know about autism? i have googled a bit and have a little understanding but not a great deal

christiemamaof3 Tue 12-Mar-13 23:33:12

thank you i really am open to everything support and critisism

hatgirl Tue 12-Mar-13 23:33:21

other characteristics of SMS include difficulties with toilet training and all of the behavioural stuff you have described.

Have a good look on the website SMS website and see what you think.

I know a lovely gentleman in RL with smith magenis syndrome but I know his parents found it hard to get a diagnosis at first as it is a relatively new syndrome.

Whether it is SMS or not it might be worth considering some RL professional support for him.

christiemamaof3 Tue 12-Mar-13 23:34:52

thank you very much its definately worth looking into thanks so much for your time

thornrose Tue 12-Mar-13 23:48:27

Christie are you in the UK? Why do you have to pay?
I have a dd with autism, actually Aspergers and I work with children with special needs including autism. I know quite a bit about it.
It's not unusual for children's behaviour at home to be very different than when they are at school. Generally the issues at school are lining up, moving from one activity to another, changes to routine etc. Does Kane play with other children or is he happy in his own company?

christiemamaof3 Wed 13-Mar-13 00:07:39

no im in australia , hes happy with his own play he may play with an adult but not so much children he doesnt like sharing or being interupted what else can you tell me, does this sound lke autism???

christiemamaof3 Wed 13-Mar-13 00:55:16

i have been looking into

Fragile X
Autism
Asperger Syndrome
SMS

and ive also posted this topic in special needs section but no replies : )

Iatemyskinnyperson Wed 13-Mar-13 05:40:09

I have a DS with autism. Some of your DS's traits lept out at me;
Sensory issues
Problems with transitions
Sleep disorder
Socialisation issues
Repetitive behaviour

How is his language? Kids on the autistic spectrum generally have language delay

Whatever it may be you need professional help, urgently. Things will get better for your family & your DS when you know what you are dealing with & how to help/reach him

Sorry your having such a hard time, hope it gets better for you

christiemamaof3 Wed 13-Mar-13 06:05:42

@iatemyskinnyperson

Im new to this sight but its somewhat comforting, i have to say i saw your name and it put the biggest smile on my face smile
My first instinct was autism but im just looking at all avenues before we see paed.
His language is slow he might say 2-3 words at a time and only mama papa and brother can understand him family members and friends generally have no idea what hes saying. im not sure if this is normal for his age.
Thats my main frustration and im sure my DS shares it is that i feel like we dont speak the same language, i feel horrible because i cant understand what he wants or what hes thinking or feeling its devastating at time. He got so raged in the car the other day his older brother said "mummy im scared kanes going purple" well kane was yelling that loud and staring at me with death in his eyes and his eyes looked like they were coming out of his head. i broke down in tears to see my baby that mad... over?? we still dont know what made him so angry. its just awful and quite often afterwards he hangs his head in shame which breaks my heart like he doesnt want to be that person and he doesnt want to react this way. i feel like i need to rescue my beautiful DS

Iatemyskinnyperson Wed 13-Mar-13 06:31:53

I'm so sorry to hear that. Re the car thing, I found it helped to show pictures of our destination - actual photographs. He may not be understanding you or even expressing himself clearly. The world is probably a big scary place to him. When you speak to him try slowing & simplifying your language.

I would suggest maybe finding a site for parents of ASD kids in Australia. You need help negotiating the system there so you can access the right professionals.

There is loads of info online about visual schedules etc that are very helpful, but your first priority should be diagnosis.

The thing that helped me cope is that my DS wasn't naughty or difficult.. He was scared. The world was hard to cope with & he was freaked out most of the time.

Lots of (((hugs))) to you

christiemamaof3 Wed 13-Mar-13 06:37:29

thank you very much and to everyone else who shared some of their time with me. paed app is next tuesday ill let you know the outcome. smile many thanks xo

nannynick Wed 13-Mar-13 06:57:30

Try talking to Amaze 1300 308 699 (9-5, mon-fri) see if they can point you towards getting support, be that a local support group, info on grants/funding, how to get a diagnosis.

Does Kane give you eye contact when he is not n a rage? Does he like his hair being cut? Does he point for things he wants?

The autistic spectrum is wide, he may or may not fall somewhere on it.

Would he be happier in nappies/diapers? I have known children to be happier to have those, though it may not stopmthe smearing. What other textures does he like? You may be able to find food he likes based on texture, porridge for example.

Diet can someones make a difference so you are right to look at that. How much wheat is in his diet? Could itmbe reduced, replacing with rice, oats? Make a list of the things he does eat, see if there is any pattern such as texture, colour, ease of eating. If he is losing weight then foodmis a worry, however if he is not, then do not panic over it. Children go through phases of eating things, then not eating them.

Have you heard of PECS? It is a pictorial communication system. You could use it to help Kane know the structure of the day, and to routine specific tasks/activities. A pictorial sequence to follow. Does Kane like things to be very routine/structured?

Is Kane sensitive to light, sound, temperature? He wakes up and screams, why? Too hot, too cold, sudden change in light level? He may sleep better in pitch black and at 19 degrees C. May be hard to achieve but if you can cool and darken his room, does that help with his sleeping?

nannynick Wed 13-Mar-13 07:40:02

Amaze are Victoria based so may not be near you but they may know similar organisations in your area.

christiemamaof3 Wed 13-Mar-13 09:03:15

Nannynick

Hi there, I have jotted the number down and will be calling them first thing tomorrow.

Yes he does give me eye contact not so much if im telling him something i dont like him doing etc.

He absolutely hates his hair being cut.

Yes he points for majority of what he wants.

He refuses nappies even though i buy them each week for him because he refuses to go potty or toilet and constantly poos and wees anywhere in the house.

He loves mince and yoghurt, he wont eat fruit or veges i have to find other ways of getting him to eat them.

Kanes definately not losing weight but hes not huge either, which interests me you bringing it up actually hes quite short for his age probally a good 30cm than his brother who is one year older and also does between 3-5 poos a day which look like a normal stool but the colour of them is very pale light brown almost cream... sorry i know its a bit gross but if you have any advice there too that would be great.

Kane has to have things routine and structured, literally the minute things rnt done on time his whole world falls apart, i love all these ideas as i havent heard of PECS so will look into it i guess i just get scared too taking on more new things to help kane because my time with ashton and nathanael is already very little and they suffer alot because i dedicate so much time to kane plus studying full time at nights and trying to be a happy wife ;)

Kane is definately not sensitive to temperature i cannot keep clothes on him absolutely nothing evn if its freezing hes naked. He doesnt know how to be quiet he is very very loud everything is done loudly and with force i also find he has the highest tolerance for pain example: he runs down our 200m gravel driveway full pelt time and time again or ran at full force into corner of dining table an egg appeared instantly and all he did was say ow and rub his head.

Kanes sleepin has me stumped when he wakes up sometimes he will just grizzle then go back to sleep or he will be up every hour on the hour and talk to himself (no idea what hes saying) or he will wake up in absolute fear we go in there very soft calm voices trying not to say to much we dont want to overwhelm him and he will literally be screaming like he is scared of mama and papa he will run all over the house away from us the pther night this went on for three hours its like he gets stuck in between waking up and being asleep (kind of like night terrors)

Iatemyskinnyperson Wed 13-Mar-13 10:55:14

Hi Christie
I don't want to preempt a diagnosis, but just to add that Kane seems to have sensory issues. What I mean is that his senses are over-or-under sensitive. He can't bear clothes, faecal smearing, & he seems to be sensory seeking. This is common but not exclusively seen with people on the autistic spectrum.

If I'd understood about the impact of sensory issues when my DS was diagnosed I'd have saved years of heartbreak! Only last year we attended an Occupational Therapist for a 6wk block of Sensory Integration. She gave is what's called a sensory diet, which is basically a list/schedule of activities to help my DS regulate his sensory issues. I'm not exaggerating when I say that it changed our lives! My DS did that faecal smearing which was distressing and disgusting!! After the sensory integration that all diminished & has almost disappeared . I also learned many techniques which are very helpful in calming him down.

Again, I don't want to pre-empt or assume that he will be diagnosed, but if that does happen, then I would definately recommend Sensory Integration. It's the only therapy that I can really say actually helped us!

Good luck again wink

christiemamaof3 Wed 13-Mar-13 12:34:42

Iatemyskinnyperson

Sensory Integration sounds fantastic i might even look into it first thing tomorrow diagnosis or not it cant hurt until we have paed app. ill keep you posted and let you know our diagnosis

nannynick Wed 13-Mar-13 19:01:20

Picto Selector can be handy for creating visual timetables. As Iatemyskinnyperson said, using photos can help for things like destinations.

Sounds like there are various sensory issues. See if you can get advice from Amaze or another organisation in Australia about what you need to tell the paed about, so that you are not dismissed as an overly concerned mother but that your child does need help.

It is good that he points. Hope the appointment with the paed goes well and that you start to get some help for Kane (and you).

Iatemyskinnyperson Wed 20-Mar-13 16:15:28

Hi Christie
Hope your appointment was helpful. IIRC it was today? Best of luck to you& your family

xigris Wed 20-Mar-13 16:35:27

Hi Christie, you sound like you're doing an amazing job under very tough circumstances thanks. One thing stood out to me and that was Kane's light coloured poo; has he ever been investigated for Coeliac Disease? (May be spelt Celiac in Australia). It might be worth googling this. Best of luck!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now