School have called me in to talk about DS, 4yo :(

(106 Posts)
wheelsfelloff Tue 26-Feb-13 16:46:21

Am a regular but have name-changed for this. I'm sitting here in tears and shaky, I don't know what to do.

DS is in Reception and is one of the youngest, a last days of August baby (which may, or may not, be relevant). Since he started in September, he is always in trouble and this was also the case when he was in a (private) nursery for mornings for the previous six months. We are talking general not listening, fidgeting, being silly etc. as well as some spitting and the odd bout of hitting and kicking, although my understanding is that there is less of this now. I realise that none of these things are acceptable and I can understand how irritating it must be for the teachers.

He has always been pretty feisty but we have always had boundaries and taught him right from wrong. I'm sure everyone thinks 'it's the parents' fault' but we really have always tried to be consistent. Both DP and I are pretty meek and mild, we don't fight, we never hit each other or the DCs or condone such behaviour in any way. We have seen DS's behaviour improve immensely at home as he has got older and tbh we don't have many problems with him, above and beyond the usual 4 year old stuff. If I take him on playdates or to parties, he behaves well. He can be so lovely, is a nice older brother and is doing well learning-wise at school. But something about school environments seems to drive him a bit bonkers.

At the first parent's evening before Christmas, his teacher told me he was naughty but 'I don't think he's on some spectrum, if that's what you're thinking'. We agreed to a sticker chart which I did for a couple of months but tbh it didn't really feel like it was helping him stop what is essentially impulsive behaviour and also for it to work relied on the teacher reporting back to me every day which didn't always happen or I didn't really know enough about why it was 'not a good day' in order to explain to DS why he wasn't getting a sticker. So it fizzled out.

Yesterday was the first day back after half-term. He was in trouble yesterday for throwing people's things. Today was worse (some spitting and DS said they put him in the nursery) and his teacher has asked me to go in on Thursday to 'talk about how we can support him in school'. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do. I feel like such a crap parent for this to be happening but I just don't know what else to do when I don't really have major problems with him elsewhere. He does go through phases of being particularly bonkers (including the last couple of weeks) after long periods of relative calm; we have looked at food, sleep etc. but there seems to be no obvious cause.

Sorry for the essay and the ranting. I just wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom. I just know I'm going to go in on Thursday and blub, although I really don't want to sad. I want to work with the teachers and I also don't want my DS to be 'crying and bored' in the nursery every day sad.

jenbird Tue 26-Feb-13 17:13:39

Oh you poor thing. I really feel for you. I got called in today for my 7yo ds. It was nothing serious and like you say down to impulsive behaviour rather than premeditated naughtiness but it is still upsetting.
I would be asking questions of the school. If your ds is well behaved at home then why is it that this environment provokes something in him? Is he being stimulated enough? If they expect consistent behaviour from him then they need to deal with it consistently and communication between you and them also needs to be consistent.
Hopefully you going in on thursday will be a positive thing so that you can discuss strategies to make ds and the learning environment for the whole class better.

MandarinTwist Tue 26-Feb-13 17:20:53

It's highly unlikely to be your parenting. It really won't be that.

So the question is, what is it?

The question saying she doesn't think he's on the spectrum rings huge alarm bells for me.

I think you'd be wise to read up on symptoms of ASD, ADHD and dyspraxia and see if you think it's something like that.

Out of all the things it might be (school, home or mild SEN - mild SEN is statistically the most likely.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 26-Feb-13 17:34:00

I would be a bit cross about them putting him into the nursery class.

It is not his, or your, fault that his birthday is so late in the year, and IMO school should have a plan to deal with children who are perhaps too young socially and emotionally to cope well with Reception.
If the school didn't have an attached nursery then that option wouldn't be open to them, and they would have to find a way to deal with it.

I would put the ball in their court. What are they going to do to help him settle and feel comfortable?

lougle Tue 26-Feb-13 17:35:24

This is a huge shock for you, I'm sure.

The alarm bell for me (as a Mum to a child with SN) is that you are seeing markedly different behaviour at home than at school. So, that means one of three things:

a) You and school have different views on 'acceptable' and you are actually seeing the same behaviour at home and school, but through a different lens.

b) Your DS is not coping at school because he's a young for year child who isn't ready to be in a classroom all day

c) Your DS has SN.

If you are confident that you have realistic expectations of behaviour for his age, then you can rule out a.

Then, the question is whether his behaviour at school is arising from b or c.

What did the nursery do to help your DS before transition to school?

Iggly Tue 26-Feb-13 17:35:49

What do you mean by impulsive behaviour? That sounds like you think he can't control it?

Is he getting enough sleep?

pixi2 Tue 26-Feb-13 17:40:23

No answer but I am watching this as I expect the same from my DS next year. He too is a late August baby.

AlfalfaMum Tue 26-Feb-13 17:42:55

I agree with Mandarin, you need to rule out the possibility of Aspergers, ASD, ADHD or dyspraxia. A teacher is not really qualified to say. As a parent of a child on the spectrum, it's often the first thing I think of (although I'm obviously not qualified either blush. every child is an individual).

He may be particularly sensitive to noise/lights/smells in the classroom?

Smudging Tue 26-Feb-13 17:45:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheelsfelloff Tue 26-Feb-13 17:51:33

Thank you for your answers. The easy ones first - he sleeps from about 7.30ish until 6.30ish so seems to get enough sleep. By impulsive behaviour I mean throwing people's hats about or pushing a tower over. The nursery were rubbish - at first they put DS in the lower pre-school 'because he's 3'; he was the oldest and twice the size of most children. His behaviour improved markedly when he was moved into the high pre-school class, where there was a teacher and more structure.

Obviously I have wondered about SENs. I'm no expert - I have looked at ASD, ADHD and dyspraxia. He really doesn't fit into the 'profiles' for ASD or dyspraxia at all. And ADHD - yes, to some extent, sometimes, but then it's difficult to know where the line between being an energetic 4 year old boy is and ADHD begins. As I say, I'm no expert.

I am a bit cross he was put in the nursery and also that they don't seem to have done some of the things that were talked about at parent's evening (teacher talked about a little 'social skills' group for some of the children in the class, for instance). But equally, I understand they are in a difficult position and have 29 other children to consider so don't want to play the blame game.

I am just scared. I don't want the 'naughty' label to follow him through school and life. I don't know the implications of having SENs (I don't mean to offend anyone by saying that, just that all this is new to me).

wheelsfelloff Tue 26-Feb-13 17:53:16

X-posts - yes. He does eat well but interesting what you say about TV as he does tend to watch it in the mornings.

Musomathsci Tue 26-Feb-13 17:57:55

Just a thought, but outbreaks of bad behaviour can sometimes coincide with growth spurts.. might contribute to the long periods of being ok and then having a few weeks of being difficult again.

Perhaps he is bored in school?

CuriousMama Tue 26-Feb-13 18:04:53

He's only 4 bless his cottons.

I really feel for you as ds2 was a nightmare when he started school. Cranial osteopathy helped enormously for him but I know not everyone believes it does?

Is there any chance you could take him out of school for now? What does he say when you ask him about school?

CuriousMama Tue 26-Feb-13 18:06:19

I'm just wondering. You say he likes tv. What about putting a tumble tots dvd on before school. Or something similar. DSS used to love them when that age. It'd burn off some energy too and they're fun.

MandarinTwist Tue 26-Feb-13 18:07:32

The implications of SEN is that there is a reason for his impulsive behaviour etc.

My own belief is that if he does have ADHD its better to be labelled ADHD than to be labelled naughty.

Don't expect school to know whether or not he has ADHD. If you think he might have it then you should ask your GP to refer you to a child development paedetrician.

Make a list of yours, and schools, concerns to take to your GP and paed appointment.

That really is the only way you'll find out if he does or doesn't have ADHD

CuriousMama Tue 26-Feb-13 18:07:54

Here's one that looks good.

wheelsfelloff Tue 26-Feb-13 18:08:41

Are some children affected more by growth spurts then? We have racked our brains trying to find a trigger for when he has a bad pacth.

Interesting you say that CuriousMama as DP's osteopath is dying to get her hands on him!

He loves school. Couldn't wait to get back after half-term, has lots of little friends, is learning to read well, writes little love notes to his teachers smile Then has a bonkers phase again sad

What questions would you be asking on Thursday?

How would you say he is in terms of reading and number work?
It's interesting you say that he was happier in the older nursery group. I wonder if there is less structure again in reception.

wheelsfelloff Tue 26-Feb-13 18:10:27

Mandarin - would a SENCO not know/suspect?

CuriousMama Tue 26-Feb-13 18:10:37

Sounds like he's going to be bright then?

Well the CO worked amazingly for ds2. So much so that teachers asked what had happened grin He did have blips but nothing like the boys he was. His communication wasn't very good tbh.

Your ds sounds adorable.

CuriousMama Tue 26-Feb-13 18:10:56

boys?? boy he was blush

wheelsfelloff Tue 26-Feb-13 18:11:50

Reading work - good, teacher said he was keeping up with or exceeding older children in the class. Numbers - so-so, I would say, he is counting but not much more.

Ah, cross post. I would be asking whether an independent observer could go into the classroom and watch him for a bit. It could be something as simple as that particular school or teacher doesn't suit him.

wheelsfelloff Tue 26-Feb-13 18:12:56

CuriousMama, thank you, he is smile

MandarinTwist Tue 26-Feb-13 18:15:21

The SENCO may or may not know. All schools have to have a SENCO but by and large they're just a regular teacher who has that role as well as other roles.

And if they do know / suspect they may or may not tell you. Either because they're not qualified to diagnose. Or because it's a very hard conversation to have.

I think you should ask them directly so that it makes them easier to tell you.

There are even SENCOs who believe that labels are bad and don't help and so wouldn't tell you.

wheelsfelloff Tue 26-Feb-13 18:17:25

Thank you for that Mandarin, that is helpful. As is the advice about the GP/paed (sorry, finding it hard to keep up with all posts as well as change bums/fill hot water bottles etc.!)

Plomdenume Tue 26-Feb-13 18:17:43

At school, who is he hitting, kicking and spitting at? What do you do if he behaves badly at home? (i.e. what are the consequences) Do they have any other reward chart type stuff at school e.g. being 'on the rainbow' or getting extra choosing time / loosing choosing time at the end of the week?

When you say 'bonkers' and 'feisty' what sort of behaviours are you talking about? And what is he like with friends, does he have particular friends at home or in school?

EmmaGellerGreen Tue 26-Feb-13 18:18:12

They are wanting to talk about how they can support him, not to judge/critisie you or him. They will want to do everything that they can to help him. He is 4, he may just be a young 4 and struggling. There may be more to it, if there is, better to have it identified and plans to support him put in place.

I have been where you are. Yes it is a shock but work with them. They may suggest an IEP, an individual education plan which will lay out where he is struggling and what they plan to do to help. If so, brilliant. Make sure you meet with them regularly to check how he's doing.

Good luck

domesticslattern Tue 26-Feb-13 18:22:35

I think it is interesting that you say that the school "don't seem to have done some of the things that were talked about at parent's evening (teacher talked about a little 'social skills' group for some of the children in the class, for instance)."

This struck a chord as my DD got into a few scrapes at school and they did such a group and it seems to have worked well. Also a sticker chart working towards a present she really wanted (Lego Friends). Very simple and strangely effective, when combined with making sure she is not tired or hungry (when it all falls apart!).

So... what else did they suggest and not follow through? I think it sounds like a good opportunity to go in and talk positively about how you're going to work with them to address the behaviour. There is no need to feel crap - I know you will though smile- this is their job to help different kinds of children settle in school. They will see it every year. They are professionals. It is their job. Try to look at it like that. Can you go with DH too and get him to do the talking if you think you might blub?

domesticslattern Tue 26-Feb-13 18:22:49

DP sorry

I've been asked to go in to talk about DS a couple of times recently and I did find it felt a bit like getting a telling off myself. I think schools have some way to go before they really respect parents as at least in a partnership with themselves regarding children's learning and development.

I think your DS is still very young, and I'd not really be happy with a teacher using a word like "naughty" to describe him. How experienced is the teacher ?
Sending him to the nursery isn't necessarily ideal either, unless it's agreed with everyone that it's an environment better suited to his current needs ie. with a greater emphasis on learning through play and a higher staff ratio.

Lavenderhoney Tue 26-Feb-13 18:27:28

Are there lots of children in the class and are they all well behaved? Does your ds get like this when near other children who are boisterous but is the one getting caught? Is he copying? Or bored as not being engaged with?
Or is he expected to sit on a hard cold scratchy old carpet for circle time? That was an issue at our school til cushions were provided!

The use of the word naughty without explaining what that means and how the teacher is engaging with your ds hasn't helped you. There was a lad like this in my ds class, early August boy. He was very dispruptive. The teacher concentrated on 3 behaviours she wanted and as he wasn't fussed about stickers asked his parents to help with rewards at home too as well as him getting plenty of praise at school. Is he told he is naughty but no other expectation of behavior to him from his teacher? That would not please me, and doesn't help your ds. Is she overwhelmed with children?

How does he behave in the nursery class?

You could ask the teacher how she has dealt with children in the past, her experience of it and does she know of another parent of an older boy who was like this but is now fine on class behaviour.

EnjoyResponsibly Tue 26-Feb-13 18:28:20

I wrote almost your exact post a year ago.

DS (now 5) saw an EdPsych at the time who suggested immaturity (late May birthday).

Now in Year 1 we are about to revisit her. What she comes up with remains to be seen. I've read up on the various SEN, like your son he doesn't seem to fit any specific category.

Also like you DS is great at home, concentrating for hours on his craft projects or toys then just cannot sit still in a classroom as he is very easily distracted. As a consequence he is falling behind.

As others have said, although it is so very hard try to work with the school. IME they LOVE parents that work with them and are willing to support classroom strategies in the home.

In addition I'm also giving DS Omega 3 supplements, I've got him a wiggle cushion and the school are finding him an older boy to act as a mentor.

I've made tonnes of suggestions and they've never once said no.

Small steps and big unMNy hugs.

wheelsfelloff Tue 26-Feb-13 18:32:51

Plom - friends, usually. Sometimes sounds like six of one etc. but not always. Yes they have rainbow/sun/star chart and can lose playtime. At home, consequences can be toy being put away, treat withdrawn etc. Also try to be positive and talk about behaviours, why things not good/right etc. I would say by feisty I meant that he used to hit and kick me when 2ish but not for a long time. By bonkers I mean not listening, running about, not sitting still, being rude, repeating no-nos (chasing cat etc.) This is what we have phases of, not constant. He seems popular with lots of kids at school and there's 4/5 that he's closer too, we have playdates with/go to the park with.

Emma - thank you, did it work out well for you? That is positive advice and from domestic too. That's a good way to look at it.

adoptmama Tue 26-Feb-13 18:33:42

First off lots of children find school difficult at his age; Reception is often quite formal etc and he may simply not be ready for this. How did he respond to being sent to Nursery - perhaps he loved it and if so this could be a big clue to you that he simply is not developmentally ready for Reception.

Don't worry too much about the 'spectrum' comment. As teachers nowadays we have probably all experienced parents who immediately jump to ASD, ADHD etc in panic when hearing their children are struggling. I have no doubt the teacher only said this to reassure you in case you were one of 'those' parents smile

Breathe deeply - they want to support you and your son. The sticker chart would work better if they were giving the stickers in school rather than relying on you doing it at home.

Explain to them the expectations and strategies you have at home, what is working and what is not. Look for potential triggers at school; is he tired after being 'off schedule', having later nights etc and suddenly having to get back up for school. Lots of children struggle the first week or so back after a holiday.

Is his negative behaviour directed primarily at a particular child? If so you may have a friendship/relationship issue. Do they see it more at a particular time of day eg late morning. If so perhaps he still needs a nap time and isn't getting it now he is in Reception. Children are generally much busier at school than at home so even if he doesn't need a nap at home he may need it at school. How is his concentration level? Can he sustain attention for the time required on Reception 'tasks' or does he behave badly when he can no longer sustain attention? How is he developmentally in terms of motor skills (gross and fine), language (receptive and expressive) etc? In other words do you and his teachers feel he is able to meet the expectations of Reception or is he struggling? If so, maybe a further year in Nursery (or repeating Reception) would help. In terms of when he began to struggle at his previous Kindergarten did you find out reasons why (change in staff, routine, change in family circumstances etc.)

I think to be honest the school are really on the ball here and you should approach the chance of a meeting with enthusiasm. They are identifying his need for support and offering you the chance to have an open and honest discussion about the best way you can all do this together. Welcome the opportunity. I do not think for a minute the teachers are thinking it is 'your fault' nor are they wanting to have a confrontational or negative meeting. They want to share their concerns and find ways to work with you to help your son. Ask them tomorrow if they have any particular questions they want to put to you so that you can think about the answers and give them as much detail as possible. Take notes at the meeting, agree targets and time frames and also try to set a date for a follow up meeting to assess his progress and discuss what is and isn't working. If they are introducing a system of rewards and sanctions (not personally a fan of this btw) then agree very clear frameworks for how this will work. If they are offering services and support get a commitment from them of how and when they will start. These meetings are often very emotional from our point of view as parents and teachers understand that too, so don't feel bad if you are upset or Momma Bear is rearing her head smile This is your son, you cannot separate your emotions and concerns and be dispassionate and that is ok too. Allow them to have their say but also be clear about your own point of view and do not be afraid of saying what you do not see at home as this will hopefully help you find out what is in school that is causing him the difficulties. Good luck.

My 5.5yo is similar to your DS I think. I'm constantly getting notes home from the teacher and from after school program about his behaviour, which is generally to a) lash out when frustrated, b) act silly in class c) not listen

We started seeing a therapist to help him. In her words, all of this behaviour is Typical for the age group. She looked like this hmm when I mentioned the letters from the school and asked me what they thought I should do when he acts out at school, when I'm.not.even.there.! So while the school can certainly discuss ideas with you on how to help your DS, they should be coming up with the bulk of it.

We have narrowed DSs troubles to a couple of things. Tiredness, he can't have any late nights whatsoever, so in bed by 8pm at the latest. The other is anxiety/worries. He is a little worrier, and this heightens his anxiety which leads him to misbehave. This is the major thing we are working on with him.

We don't allow any screens before school which has helped a lot.

He also needed to form a relationship with his teacher, which after 5 months of school he finally has, and will now listen to her, but not other adults assisting in the class.

I sent in some sensory type play things for DS to help him stop fidgeting during carpet time for example. Another thing to suggest help with this, is a therma-band that the teacher can tie around his chair legs and he can bounce his foot on it when he feels overenergised (although my DSs teacher sent the stuff home again hmm )

DeWe Tue 26-Feb-13 19:20:47

My year 1 ds is/was similar, but has been much better this year.

When I was called in at a similar time, it was to discuss introducing a "home/school" book which recorded what he'd done over the day.
So it might say:
Carpet time: Listened beautifully.
Activity: took some persuading but did it well.
Break: smile
Reading: Very wriggly at reading.
Lunch: Kicked someone sad
Activity: Refused to do any of it
Story time: Had to be moved because he was poking someone. Then listened well. Well done for good listening!

I could then talk it through with him, what he should have done, (eg asked the teacher if the person in front could move a bit because he felt squashed, rather than poking them to make them move) He also knew that I knew and he minded making me feel sad.

But you saying he behaves fine at home, is like ds. Only thing is one reason why ds behaves at home is because I know him, and can often prempt things that at school they don't have the luxury of doing as they have 29 other children. He's currently reading at my feet, and it's bath time. If I just say "time for bath" he'll get upset at being interrupted. So I'll probably say something like "hey, if we get upstairs quickly then maybe you can have bubbles in the bath!". And he'll be running upstairs as quickly as he can. Teachers don't have the luxury of being able to do that all the time.

cuggles Tue 26-Feb-13 19:44:42

Lots of excellent advice here so I wont repeat but as a teacher (secondary but pastoral head so lots of parent contact) I would just like to say, please don't give a thought to whether you cry or not, you will be neither the first or last and it just demonstrates your concern.
Additionally though, you may feel overwhelmed by what is discussed if it is suggestions for behaviour targets and perhaps, rewards systems etc for home/school to share or SEN assessments and this will be particularly hard to remember if you are emotional which it is natural you will be. I would, therefore, either take another adult with you to "remember" things and/or ask for a written summary of the main points to be given to you at a later date.
He is only 4 bless him, legally doesnt have to even be at school yet so it is going to be a challenge for him, esp. as young for year. My mum taught reception forever and always said the August birthdays found it tough, bet he'll be fine a few months from now!
With regards to ASD or similar, he is pretty young to make that diagnosis I would think but equally you can go down the assessment route and see what is what if you feel you should, if they do "recommend" a diagnosis, as a parent you don't have to accept it formally just yet you can see how things develop. Equally it can give school an idea of tactics etc to help if indeed there is at SEN issue. Good Luck!

cuggles Tue 26-Feb-13 19:47:11

opps cross posted a fair bit with adoptmama...sorry!

projectdoingmybest Tue 26-Feb-13 20:00:12

I have also namechanged for this.

I have huge sympathy for you. I have been in exactly the same position - sleepless nights (and in my case, the teacher indicated that she thought my dc was "on the spectrum" (Developmental Paedatrician thought otherwise). Personally, I think sometimes, they are just too young for formal settings - sitting and doing worksheets and responding to instructions at 4. In my dc's case, they are interested in lots of other things (other than the worksheet) - I think I would be at 4....

I am trying to be rational about it - however, I have huge huge sympathy. Please PM me if I can be of any support/help - I know what this can be like (I didn't sleep for weeks) sad

MrsMushroom Tue 26-Feb-13 20:07:35

From what you say OP he sounds simply young...this bloody country with their silly rules...sticking practical toddlers in formal environments!

My older DD was late July baby...she took a whole year to settle down in school....then she took until year 4 to catch up academically!

She's 8 year 4 and doing well. I used to get called in because of her having a tantrum, her not talking, her not joining in....there was some talk of spectrums....she's not got ANY problems now she's older.

If you ask me, she wasn't ready for school until she was about 6 and half! If only we lived in Switzerland or somewhere eh? grin

If your instinct is that he has no problems ie SEN....then remain calm and try to come up with some strategies with school.

Can I ask about your DS diet? My DD's behaviour improved massively with cutting out all processed foods and crappy sweets. ...and I mean MASSIVELY. It was like a light went on.

Food colouring seems to affect her badly.

You've been given some fab advice here, and I'm a bit useless at that, but wanted to offer you a hand to hold and some thanks

I had to have a chat about my DS' behaviour too. He's 6, and throws himself around and makes random loud noises when he's meant to be quiet (along with other stuff) I was mortified and really worried.

He's been put on a Individual Education Plan, with strategies to help him along, and his teachers are working hard with him to try and help him control himself!

Please don't worry too much, they've not called you in to tell you off. All the best to you and your DS. smile

PandaNot Tue 26-Feb-13 20:20:00

It is unlikely to be anything neurodevelopemntal e.g. ADHD, autism etc if he is markedly different at home than school. Even if the 'symptoms' were not the same in both settings there would be at least some indicators at home. It sounds to be like he's just a young one struggling to cope with the rules and routines of school.

projectdoingmybest Tue 26-Feb-13 20:32:11

It does emphasise to me that the approach of only going to school in the term you turn 5 is better than the current system

wheelsfelloff Tue 26-Feb-13 20:45:20

Gosh, thank you everyone. I went off for bedtime and cooking duties and return to such sage advice and lovely support. Thank you smile I will have a read properly tomorrow but quick answers:

He hated being in the nursery class today. I'm not sure why he was there but it sounded almost like a sort of time-out. He said he was bored and cried sad

Anxiety is an interesting point. One thing we have noticed is that when he has a bad phase, it often coincides with waking in the night and also (this will sound cuckoo, I realise) his imaginary friend turns up, who he bosses about like it's a control thing.

At the nursery, there were definitely friendships/groups that were not good. It was the same names always coming up. They described my DS's behaviour as 'worse than average but not the only one and not the worst.' It was all-round a terrible nursery with low morale and staff changes. Ah, the benefit of hindsight.

His diet is predominantly good but he does have sweets and things so we will try and cut those out. Likewise, the TV before school.

Thanks again. I feel better about it now although it is still 100% that I will blub grin

Stephanie16 Tue 26-Feb-13 21:02:07

Hi I got a daughter similar to your son. She fidgets, does not seem to listen and can't stay still. Had similar problems when she was in reception except that she does not hit etc.. Her main problems is her ability to stay still and listen. She is in year 1 this year and was born a couple days before sept so a young one in her class as well. what probably would happen is your son's school if behaviours carry might suggest he is seen by your gp to be referred. Mine did and they did notice my daughter is hyper but they have diagnosed her but will see again at some point. The reason is her only problems are can't stay still and does not always listen but she is very outgoing and is doing well at school is not disruptive. May be it is worth to get him check or wait till the end of reception to see whether there is an improvement. One thing I have read about lately and have put my daughter on is eye q tablets, have a look at this as apparently they help a lot with concentration etc.. which might help.

Stephanie16 Tue 26-Feb-13 21:04:03

Sorry I meant my daughter has not been diagnosed but will be seen again in some months.

lougle Tue 26-Feb-13 21:17:51

What time does he go to bed, out of interest?

My DD1 has SN (she goes to special school) but it is amazing how much tiredness affects the behaviour of all three of my children. We try to get them in bed and asleep by 7.30 at the latest, and often at the weekend by 6.30. They really do need that extra sleep (although they wake incredibly early because of DD1).

TreadOnTheCracks Tue 26-Feb-13 21:23:45

I think you've had fab advice here.

My DS is yr 1 (6) I cut out TV/any screens in the morning and I think his behaviour has improved. He has Omega 3 too as I don't think it can do any harm.

I hope it all goes well on Thursday.

TreadOnTheCracks Tue 26-Feb-13 21:26:13

My DS can't have any late nights either. In fact at 6 yo he regularly sleeps 13 hrs. What ever else he has always been a great sleeper!

MandarinTwist Tue 26-Feb-13 21:29:05

My DS is in Y7 and this year 2 kids in his class have been diagnosed with ADHD.

Now, obviously these kids have always had ADHD it's just taken to Y7, and a change of school, to diagnose it.

So really, really don't assume that if he has ADHD it'd be diagnosed. Normally it isn't without you pushing for it. And even then it still often isn't diagnosed.........

montmartre Tue 26-Feb-13 22:32:17

I'm another that was going to suggest anxiety. My DD can be like this- yes she loves school, but her behaviour is off the wall when it's time to go back after a holiday, or in the run-up to Christmas, birthday etc, it's all about anxiety.

Keep him hydrated- mine are always thirsty when they come out of school, and I find thirstiness (even though neither could express it at 4yo) made them rude, cranky, and poorly behaved. I also think there is a difference when they've had vitamins with omega oils in (but that could just be a placebo effect!).

Remember- he's only 4. It is very difficult for 4yos (even the particularly composed ones) to control their impulses. My DD has improved with age, we have longer periods of good behaviur between flashpoints now.

I hope Thursday can be a chance for you and school to find a way forward that meets his needs.

cloudhands Wed 27-Feb-13 02:27:29

Hand in Hand Parenting has some great ideas for how to deal with behavioural issues. Do you think he may be missing you a bit and acting up because of that, particularly as he's so young?
One idea Hand in Hand has is doing special one-one time with your child, and how this can help you feel closely bonded with them. It's great to do before a seperation. The suggestions in this article might help. Start School Days with Special time

CressidaFitass Wed 27-Feb-13 03:19:49

I'm just wondering why no one suggests keeping him back a year.

My DS was put back a year at 14 when we moved from England to Scotland (due to GCSE/standard grade not starting at quite the same age) and he absolutely thrived (and got in all the sports teams cos he was one of the bigger ones).

MrsMushroom Wed 27-Feb-13 07:12:23

Well in England that's very rare Cressida. English schools just won't do it unless there are SEN diagnosed.

lougle Wed 27-Feb-13 07:15:12

It's virtually impossible in England. Also, if OP's DS was similar in nursery, it will just be deferring the issue.

bidibidi Wed 27-Feb-13 07:47:36

I don't want the 'naughty' label to follow him through school and life.

Didn't happen like that, ime. I wouldn't worry about that at all. DS was a PITA in school, especially from reception-y2. Quiet spells and then he acts up again in dramatic violent ways. School expressed shock at his latest bouts of bad behaviour (now in yr4), because he hasn't had any major issues since start of y2; "We had assumed he finally matured and settled down" they declared (having previously been "high profile").

I suppose it is possible that he has a terrible reputation with the children and other parents. How would I know?

xigris Wed 27-Feb-13 09:44:57

Um, sorry to be bucking the trend here, but is there definitely a real problem with your DS? I wonder if it's a lot to do with him being so young for his year and being a naturally 'feisty' boy? The way he's described as having sudden 'outbursts' makes me think of testosterone surges and lots of energy. My DS (age 6) is one of the oldest in his year. He's clever, funny, kind and very energetic! At his last parents evening, his very nice, very experienced teacher (she's head of infants) said that he tries so hard to be good and obey the rules bit now and again he just "explodes" and goes a bit crazy. She said that in her experience this was very common in boys and she was not concerned whatsoever but obviously wanted us to be aware. Also, is he being provoked by other children and reacting? DS1's 'best mate' is very aware of how to press his buttons and wind him up. Your DS is only 4. If he'd been born slightly later then he'd still be at home with you. I'm not saying that his behaviour doesn't need to be monitored; I just think there may well be some perfectly reasonable explanations that aren't related to SEN etc. That said, my only qualification is this area is having 3 boys myself, I'm not a teacher or anything like that! One thing that helped DS1 though was fish oils. We give him Eskimo Kids which contains very pure omega 3, 6 and 9. Good luck and please please don't despair!

MrsMushroom Wed 27-Feb-13 09:47:37

xgris you're not "bucking the trend" I believe most people on the thread told the OP that her DS sounds simply "young" for his year and naturally energetic.

wheelsfelloff Wed 27-Feb-13 10:13:29

Thank you all for the suggestions. There was no screen time this morning (harder for us than him I think!) He already has vits with Omega 3 but I think they are pretty weak so will look into some of the brands suggested. And see if I can get him into bed earlier. He was being so good this morning - younger brother had thrown up everywhere and he took it upon himself to help me get breakfast ready etc. and got ready with no fuss.

I spoke to his teacher about when exactly we were meeting and also asked who I was meeting with. She said herself and another lady, who I have found out is the Early Interventions Lead Teacher. She stressed that I didn't need to worry about anything but of course my mind is racing and I keep crying. Know that I need to man up before tomorrow to get the best out of the meeting.

MrsMushroom Wed 27-Feb-13 10:33:06

Wheels don't worry. My DD had some bother in reception and her teacher showed me a big pile of files which were all the children who were having extra help...and it was massive! So many dc need intervention that you really shouldn't's help for get him to where he needs to be.x

DD had an IEP for several years due to her mild dyslexia and therefore perceived problems with reading. However I like to think of it more that her reading progress followed more of an individual learning projectory - or put it another way, she did it in her own time !
Once she discovered first Lauren Child and then Lemony Snicket she was away !
So, basically you could look on an IEP (individual educational plan) as a good thing. In an ideal world every child would be considered as an individual at school and their own strengths and weaknesses addressed to see how best to help them take those next steps on their learning and development journeys
(excuse the jargon ! blush)
DD is now in year 9 and an ardent reader who is now enjoying teasing out the subtleties within "Much Ado About Nothing", and considering English Literature for A level or beyond !
Needing some specific help along the way doesn't have to be a problem smile

MrsMushroom Wed 27-Feb-13 11:29:30

It IS a good thing. It's an individually drawn up plan to help DC make it. Rather like the way my Dad couldn't get a suit off the peg as he was massively tall and slim...he had tailor made suits. They looked better and didn't show his ankles.

It's so worrying when we are made to think our DC may be struggling at something...we all want them to do well in all things and to have an easy path...but hardly ANY DC have a bump free education or social life.

They all have some things..some areas, where they need a hand. It's ok OP...try not to worry and remember your DS is not the only child in his class who will be getting help.

EmmaGellerGreen Wed 27-Feb-13 11:43:06

Wheels, my son is having help with his behaviour. It is very low key and the other children don't notice. He also has some sessions with the eyfs special needs ta, working on social skills. In practise, 3/4 go out of the classroom each day to play somewhere else, always including him. They all enjoy it and benefit from it. Academically, he is doing really well.

How do I know all this is true? I am a governor so in school a lot. I see and know about lots of interventions like this.

They are a positive thing to help your child to do his best.

Good luck tomorrow

dietstartstmoz Wed 27-Feb-13 11:50:20

I feel for you wheelsfelloff, having been through the same with our youngest son. He is also an august baby, and he went to a private nursery 3 days a week whilst I was at work. he was always hard work but issues were never raised by the staff. My DH and I had some concerns but he started nursery at school a few weeks after turning 3, and after about 6 weeks the nursery teacher asked if she could 'have a word'. She had concerns about him being in 'his own little world' and I knew she was implying SEN/ASD. My world fell apart and I cried, a lot. To every health professional for about 2 yrs and every day at home. I started a thread about it on the SN childrens boards at the time, that you may want to look up. Fast forward 2.5 yrs and DS does have a diagnosis of ASD, he is mainstream school with full support and a statement and is making great progress. Its been a tough ride though.
Make a list of questions before you go in;
What strategies are they going to put in place for your DS?
When will they review these? (I would suggest before easter-dont leave it long, and have another meeting)
Who are they going to refer to and for what reason
Do they want you to make any referrals, e.g. to GP etc.

Dont worry about crying, you will be great, if you cry or not. You are the best advocate for your child and you know him best. Best of luck, and come over to the SN children boards if you feel you need to. Lots of fantastic advice and hand holding on there.

DewDr0p Wed 27-Feb-13 11:59:05

You've had some brilliant advice already and don't want to repeat it although was nodding vigorously to lots of posts!

One other thought (kind of already mentioned) is are there any friendship issues? Ds2 is bright and capable and mainly v mature but on and off we've had issues with his behaviour. It's a mix of being drawn to silliness/ naughtiness, showing off, sometimes a lack of self-esteem (although he's bright he's also the youngest in his class and v v conscious that there are other older children who can do more than him) and recently there's been a problem with another child being mean to him which has manifested itself in ds behaving badly.

Please do remember the school is trying to help and that is a good thing. I would try and get them to be v specific about what the issue is though - it's pretty normal for 4 yo boys to be fidgety and struggle to concentrate grin I think you need more details.

littlecrystal Wed 27-Feb-13 12:12:11

I symphatize. My DS1 is almost 5yo, in Reception, and has had issues since early age. I used to think that it is my fault, that I don't have enough of patience for him, guilty for not enjoying motherhood, but after having DS2, I realized the difference between them: DS2 is just normal, easy going child with minimum effort, DS1 at older age still takes our 80% of attention and is such a handful. My DS1 sound similar to yours. He can be lovely and sweet, but more so he is grumpy, negative attitude, terribly silly, impulsive, cross, not interested in learning this, fidgety. He has grown out of the hitting/biting stage, but can push or poke other when cross. He does not engage in charts. The school has established carpet spots and stickers for rewarding behaviour, and he just comes home and says "today I was on a grey spot because I was cross" or "today I was on the blue spot because I was angry" or something along those lines. The fact is the he just does not care. Or if we try to learn reading, writing, cycling, I get so much attitude from him ("why..[silly questions]", "no I will do my way", "I don't want to do it") that any learning stops after 5 minutes and drives me to nuts.

I used to look for reasons, like perhaps he is tired, hungry etc, but when it is so different with DS2, I stopped looking for reasons and realised DS1 is just different.

DS1 is also awkward in communication, he often talks no sense, it looks like he just likes being silly, presenting himself silly, even though we try not to pay attention, and it gets to the point we think what is wrong with his head!!! Then he starts being serious and the common sense is back.

I also notice that DS1 does not like team games like football, e.g. just runs opposite direction, again he understands instructions but often decides doing opposite. Other kids of his age are defo more mature.

I could seek for diagnosis but whatever it is, it is mild, and the school only said "he has his moments" but has not raised any specific concerns, so the diagnosis is not on my agenda. However, it makes our life very full on, and often, miserable...

Anaisa Wed 27-Feb-13 12:31:06

I don't have any words of wisdom as we were in a simillar situation up until a couple of weeks ago. My DS is also 4.5, also born second half of August, in fact you could be describing my DS - fidgeting, not listening, not doing what he is told according to his teacher, but lovely and caring at home or with other kids.

Almost every single day he would come back from school telling us he went on the "sad face" yet again. The teacher felt she had to talk to my DP and pulled him aside to list all the problems she was having with DS - very young for his age, lack of concentration etc etc

Two weeks ago this teacher went on maternity leave and you would not believe the difference. Now he comes home with stickers and certificates praising him for phonics, saying thank you for being a little helper. He could not be happier.

What the other teacher saw as being naughty, the new one sees as being creative. She seems to accept that he IS young and encourages him, rather than punish all the time.

Please talk to the teaching assistants or maybe ask the other parents as to how their children are getting on. You know your child and I do not believe that a child can be well behave at home/outside/with other people, but turn into a "monster" at school.

dietstartstmoz Wed 27-Feb-13 14:15:46

Also meant to say, as others have done so, different teachers do make such a difference to our DC, and he may respond much better to a different approach than the one the school are currently following. Also, ask about the point about him being put into nursery. I really hope this was not as 'time out', as this is extremely poor practice and you must stick to your guns and inform them that you find this unacceptable and will not tolerate it again.

littlecrystal Wed 27-Feb-13 14:30:18

I also agree that the teacher labeling a child "naughty" is very wrong.

CressidaFitass Wed 27-Feb-13 16:22:44

I am shock at not being able to keep children back a year in England.

My DD's best pal was kept back from starting school by her DM who is a teacher so poor DD had to start school in a class nearly all boys (v small school) - it seems such a sensible thing to do.

Goldmandra Wed 27-Feb-13 16:42:45

Some really good advice here and lots for you to think about, OP.

I just wanted to add one more thing for you to consider which I haven't seen on scanning through responses.

Sensory processing difficulties can cause anxiety, fiddling, impulsiveness and ultimately enough stress to trigger unacceptable behaviour.

This video talks a little about proprioceptive issues causing the need to move and fiddle. There are also children who find smells, lights, colours, touch and noise overwhelming all of which are rather in your face in a busy classroom.

It is worth looking at and, if you think it may be an issue for your son, suggesting a sensory audit of his environment as a way to help reduce the triggers for him.

wheelsfelloff Wed 27-Feb-13 19:59:02

Thanks again, everyone, and especially other parents and teachers for sharing your experiences. You are so kind and helpful. smile I started the day in tears but feel much more confident now.

DS had a good day and lots of stickers today and I took him to the park after school with some of his friends; he was so lovely and offered to share his scooter and snacks with the others. Whatever the issues are/n't he is still my lovely little boy. I was also touched by a couple of mums at the schoolgate who I don't really know but asked if everything was okay as they had seen how stressed/sad I looked last night and this morning. They aren't friends but the teacher is never subtle with her feedback so they know he can be a handful in class hmm They took the time to tell me that he's a nice boy and only young, bless them smile

Right, off to write my list of questions now and practice not crying some chance.

montmartre Wed 27-Feb-13 20:39:44

I wish you all the best for the morning wheels- the power of MN is behind you grin

domesticslattern Wed 27-Feb-13 22:09:31

Good luck tomorrow Wheels. Your DS sounds lovely.

ps. I hope you aren't clearing up vomit again tomorrow though!

xigris Thu 28-Feb-13 07:14:39

Best of luck Wheels! You and your DS sound just lovely. Please let us know how you get on thanks

HotheadPaisan Thu 28-Feb-13 08:02:45

Have a look at PDA strategies too, they are often helpful when other approaches aren't working.

DeWe Thu 28-Feb-13 09:57:08

Good luck for today.

wheelsfelloff Thu 28-Feb-13 18:09:53

Well, the good news is I didn't cry smile Have to be quick as family here but it was all quite low key. There was no talk of IEPs or such. The teacher wants to start by focusing on carpet time which is a problem time for DS (wriggling, touching people, calling out) She has made a sticker chart with a sticker for each session (6 total) and if he gets 4 in the day he will get e.g extra lego time, cut and stick time. It will be given to me each day so I can talk about how things have done. Will review at parent's evening in 2/3 weeks and then just before Easter. They started by saying, 'I'm sure you have problems at home with him' so were quite surprised when I said not really actually. I think they also want to work on social skills (some spitting again today) but not do everything at once. I was also surprised to find out they don't have anything to eat in the morning - they said DS is esp bad pre-lunch so I suggested they let him have a snack mid-morning to which they agreed (he would never go 4/5 hrs at home with nothing to eat) Any good snack suggestions?

I specifically asked if we were talking SENs but they wouldn't be drawn either way, just saying 'I think this is the right approach for now' and also at pains to stress there were others in the class with similar probs/charts. They said they had seen an improvement in his levels of concentration since starting which is positive.

So I feel a bit strange now. Don't know what to think.

Thanks for all your suggestions, which I have been looking into. Screen time has been reduced (zero before school), sweets etc. cut out, bedtime brought slightly forward and I will buy fish oils. Thanks so much for all your support. I really think it enabled me to go in with a clear head smile xx

DeWe Thu 28-Feb-13 18:45:23

Sounds similar to ds. Good news is that he's much better this year (year 1). He was worse after lunch (tired) and at lunch time (hearing issues with noise).

Keep working at it and there's a good chance he's on the up. smile

TreadOnTheCracks Thu 28-Feb-13 18:47:47

So how did it go today OP?

Lavenderhoney Thu 28-Feb-13 18:54:46

Welll done for the meeting and nt getting upset- Interesting to hear he's not alone in the class, are all the children doing charts etc?

I mentioned it below, but next time you are in his class ask to see where they do carpet time, and look at the carpet. Sit on it yourself for a bit and see how long before you fidget and wish you were elsewhere- all the kids might need a cushion or something. At our school they replaced the scratch, thin old thing that smelt ( you had to sit on it with bare legs to realise). Plus floors are cold and hard.

borrowedlight Thu 28-Feb-13 19:01:35

Watching with interest as step son has similar behaviour (not just at school though). Snacks? Always think bananas are good and my son loves the oat so simple breakfast bar, it's like chewy flap jack, full of oats to keep him going but feels like a treat.

Lavenderhoney Thu 28-Feb-13 19:01:53

Just read your bit about pre lunch and him not getting a snack! He must be starving as my ds is at snack time - mid morning. as a snack I make flapjacks and ds has that plus a glass or carton of milk. What would he like as a snack? And does he have a big breakfast? Boiled egg and soldiers? Keeps him going ( just!) til lunch. I take him a snack for the car on the way home too, or he is a nightmare.

Perhaps hunger and thirst might be at the root of your worries. If he behaves the way they say he does at school when hungry, tired and thirsty?

SCOTCHandWRY Thu 28-Feb-13 19:07:47

Ds3 had Aspergers dx by age 4 1/2, but we recognised his behaviour as being different from about 12 months. Very active, but not ADHD, and at the milder end of the spectrum.

All the way though primary school we had teachers and the HT telling us our properly diagnosed child was NOT on the spectrum for reasons such as- he smiles, looks into eyes, can speak very well...

The feeling was very much that it was bad parenting IMO, and they refused to believe we had NO behaviour issues with him at home. Home was his safe place, school stressed him hugely.

I'd say a big difference between home and school behaviours does suggest some kind of issue which he may need some help with.

School staff can't diagnose an of these things, if you have concerns speak to your GP about a referral, as if he does have an issue, early intervention can be very helpful

MrsMushroom Thu 28-Feb-13 20:39:11

Wheels that does sound positive. Can I suggest again that you look at his general diet...see if you can replace sweets with something like home made muffins...there are recipies which use honey as a's not that I'm suggesting sugar is all to blame or that he has a crap diet...but I just saw such a difference with my young for her year DD when I cut out processed foods...

I focused on no sweets or squash or fizzy drinks whatsover and tried to reduce things like ice cream, cake and jelly...she was having them about 3 times a week in addition to the odd sweet...but once I got rid of them all, she seemed much more able to focus and happier too....she seemed to "wake up" somehow.

She was very sensitive to colourings and sugar.

IMHO they are probably expecting these young children to sit still and listen on the carpet for too long. It may not suit all of them, especially the younger ones and maybe the boys too.
So, don't be too quick to think all of the problem is with DS. They are meant to be meeting his learning needs in a way that's appropriate for his stage of development.
As they told you today he's not the only one having problems with what's being offered/ expected.
However, we have to work with the school and teachers in the best interests of our children I do accept that.
Hope things settle down for DS and you all ASAP, and he is happy at school with his friends. smile

MrsMushroom Thu 28-Feb-13 20:54:19

Juggling exactly. I helped out in my dds reception the other day and it IS a struggle for many of them, I think reception is too learning driven.

There should be far more free play and the sitting and writing and listening to phonics should be no more than a couple of bite sized sessions unless a child is very keen or able.

adoptmama Thu 28-Feb-13 21:37:20

Bananas are a great snack as they are filling and slow releasing for energy. Bran muffins etc also good. Also have a think about what he is having for breakfast and, if it is sugary cereals etc, see if you can add more into the mix, like weetabix or porridge which are also good for keeping them going. Glad the meeting went well and good luck with your review in a couple of weeks.

mrslaughan Thu 28-Feb-13 21:45:57

The behaviour you describe was very similar to my DS , he has dyspraxia and sensory processing issues (sensory seeking). The behaviour happened for 2 reasons, out of frustration because he was being expected to do things, he couldn't do or because he was in sensory overload.
For the most part we didn't see these behaviours ( except the sensory overload, very occasionally).
Having been through what we have been through - I would not countenance that it is just because he is "naughty" - there is something happening at school, that is making him frustrated, dis-illusioned.... You need to get to the bottom of what that is to help prevent it.
BTW DS is doing fab now, it is all about understanding.

mrslaughan Thu 28-Feb-13 21:56:03

Do not rely on senco for any advice on any form of diagnosis, they are simply not qualified and I believe very dangerous.
DS is sensory seeking (sensory processing disorder) this "looks" like ADHD in many situations - ESP school. Can only be diagnosed by a specialized OT - I had OT's tell me he "definately" had ADHD and advised us to medicate.....
What teacher can do, is observe and look for triggers - what happened just before he spat, hit..... Yes the behaviour is un-desirable, but to help prevent it, you need to work out what happened beforehand......
Was he running around like a mad man , or doing lots of swinging? , was he just asked to sit down and do a fine motor task that he doesn't feel capable of doing? Is he being teased?

SCOTCHandWRY Thu 28-Feb-13 22:55:51

Mrslaugh, shock we also had school staf "suggest" DS needed Ritalin! Several times, different staff.

steppemum Thu 28-Feb-13 23:13:51

OP - if you are in the UK then reception children get a free fruit snack everyday from government. Most schools give this out at playtime.
So where is their fruit snack???

Thewhingingdefective Thu 28-Feb-13 23:29:36

Sorry if this is oversimplifying it, but maybe he is just too young for school.

I am so glad your meeting went well today. I have a 3.5yr old who has had similar problems. The difference is that he is still in nursery. Mine is one of the oldest in his year but all the behaviour you mentioned sounds normal to me, I'm hoping that learning not to be so impulsive in his responses will come with time, and in the meantime there are stickers. My DS has hit other children and obviously this is taken seriously but i think that they often miss the trigger he doesn't behave like that at home (much). You have recieved loads of good advice already but i just wanted to let you know that there are a few of us out here. I definitely think that sleep and a good breakfast make a huge difference in my house.

Iwillorderthefood Fri 01-Mar-13 09:40:49

It's great that the school are not telling you he is the only one with any issues. He is very little, I am fully expecting issues next September with my July born DD. she just seems far too little to be starting school this year.

I have no experience of the special needs aspects that you are concerned with, but 6 times that he is required to sit still and listen in a day seems a lot.

Are you able to take him to play in a park for half an hour before school starts? My older DD used to love this and it seemed to start her off on a good note for the day. Maybe Let him have a snack just before he goes into the classroom too? Not sure what is practical for you, and I am sorry you are going through this. Will keep checking back since as I said I think this will mirror DD2's experience next September.

wheelsfelloff Fri 01-Mar-13 15:04:47

lavender - yes, they said that several other children had similar charts. Interesting point about the carpet. She has also made him a star with his name on it to sit on. she did stress that the carpet sessions were not very long and suited to their age...

He usually has a good breakfast, porridge or cereals and the deal is if he wants Cheerios, he has to have a weetabix too. I have also been tryng to remember to get him to eat a handful of nuts or a banana on the way to school.

MrsM generally his diet is good and he does not like fizzy drinks or squash anyway. But I have cut out sweets - fortunately he likes fruit so there is a mountain of it now for him to choose from!

steppemum - my understanding is that they have milk in the morning break and the fruit in the afternoon. Usually over a 4-5 hour period, even after a good breakfast, DS would probably have a banana and a bit of toast or something so he must be ravenous. He took in a muesli bar to day to eat in the morning.

mrslaughan - yes, I would love to know what the triggers are e.g. about yesterday's spitting, he told me that the other boy had been trying to punch him earlier. Not that that is an excuse but sometimes the dynamics sound a bit more complicated than just my DS doing something out of the blue.

Thanks again everyone - and for those of you giving advice about SENs, I am not ignoring your advice. I think I will see how the next few weeks go. It is hard for me to think he might have a SEN as his behaviour out of school doesn't throw up any concerns but as people have said, perhaps it's because he feels safe here or we can pre-empt his behaviour. I am bearing everything in mind.

You sound a very wise Mum if you don't mind me saying x

Lavenderhoney Fri 01-Mar-13 15:46:44

I found when my ds was in trouble for anything, like pushing in line or something, we ( me and ds and the teacher) sat down together and found out what happened. He doesn't like to get his friends in trouble even if he is, and will take blame. It was always the case that he was retaliating to another child sticking out a tongue or pinching or something. They have to be encouraged to say what happened " to help another child learn how to behave"

The new thing in the reception this year is all reception children play in the reception playground until school starts proper for 15 mins. Teacher and ta's are out there. Parents drop off at the enclosed playground. It encourages children to be on time too- well, to nag their parents to get them to school early!

Sorry skim read - have they given him a carpet square for circle time? Can really help wriggly kids.

wheelsfelloff Fri 01-Mar-13 17:51:23

Well, day one and DS got 3 stickers out of a possible 5 (not 6, as I thought) smile School, on the other hand, forgot to give him his snack and it's still in his book-bag hmm

cuggles Fri 01-Mar-13 19:17:17

well done wheels DS...over half the day was great then! What a fab start! I should ensure you keep a note of the times when school dont do their side of things like the fruit too (and I say that not out to get the school as I am a teacher but I think it is really important that you as a parent and your DS can trust the school to do what they say they will and therefore they need to address it if they aren't). I find it abit worrying that day one after the meeting, this went wrong but maybe he wouldnt eat it or something?
Also, maybe suggest for carpet time he can have something to fiddle with (like a stress ball or similar) - I used to keep 3/4 in my classroom and simply hand them to certain students who were having difficult days - always boys! (secondary though). It is a fact that boys have more fast twitch muscle fibres than girls so they just can not sit for very long at all esp. when new to having to...they have to override their physiology! Good lad!

Lavenderhoney Sat 02-Mar-13 03:24:12

They forgot? That's dreadful - when you drop off make sure you mention it and ask how she will make sure she remembers in future. It's not very supportive is it?

Keep a note of how it goes and what happens, in case you get called in again and forget how many times she forgot his snack and could be linked to behaviour.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sat 02-Mar-13 17:59:22

Out of interest, how do you personally handle the spitting issue?

adoptmama Sat 02-Mar-13 18:34:37

Ask them to write a reminder about the snack on his daily chart so that they do remember. It is easy to do when you are dealing with a busy class with multiple needs.

mathanxiety Sat 02-Mar-13 19:20:31

He needs his snack. He needs to drink. Lack of either or both can result in wacky behaviour and diminished responsiveness to instructions/impulsiveness/aggression.
This doesn't sound like a well managed classroom tbh.

Try fruits and high fibre snacks that are not sugared up for snack.

He is possibly having the normal testosterone surges that can happen at 4-6 in boys.

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